REVIEW: Mountain Dew Dewmocracy Flavors (SuperNova, Revolution, and Voltage)

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Read a review of the 2010 DEWmocracy flavors here.

Imagine having the power to make a difference and to change the world in some way. Some of you might be saying that one person can’t make a difference, but I’m here to tell you that one person can, but if you recruit more people, it’s a whole lot easier and if you’re sneaky enough, you might not need to do anything at all and make all those people you recruited do all the work. But if you don’t want to go through that trouble, you can make a difference by voting…for a sugary, carbonated, and caffeinated beverage.

Welcome to Dewmocracy.

Mountain Dew is letting the people decide the new Dew among three flavors: SuperNova, Revolution, and Voltage. Of course, this is slightly retarded since all three flavors are being produced and sold in stores, so technically they are ALL already new. Someone might say that Dewmocracy is about choosing the new permanent Dew flavor, and I would say to them that, it maybe permanent, but technically the winner won’t be new.

The Dewmocracy website, where you can vote for your favorite flavor, keeps track of the votes throughout the United States by state. The whole thing reminds me of all the CNN news coverage and graphics on Election Night, except without Wolf Blitzer’s beard to scare me. Just like American Idol, I’m sure more people will vote in this election than the upcoming U.S. presidential election. Some people might say that elections like these are teaching children the importance of voting. I say nay to those people, for I believe that the elections for Dewmocracy and American Idol teach the importance of voting…for things that don’t fucking matter.

I felt Revolution was the worst, SuperNova was the best, and Voltage was the nerd with the hairy chest. Looking at the Dewmocracy website, my vote for Mountain Dew SuperNova has helped it gain 3% of the vote in my state of Hawaii, which means I am supporting the Ralph Nader of Mountain Dew.

None of the Dewmocracy flavors were repulsive and each of them were sweeter than all the Care Bears holding hands while skipping across a rainbow and singing “Joy to the World.” I enjoyed SuperNova the most because of its unusual strawberry melon flavor, which gave it a nice fruity taste, almost girly-alcohol-drink-ish. It also tasted like a strawberry lemonade, which is weird since it doesn’t have any citrus flavor. Voltage’s raspberry-citrus flavor was good and I thought if Mountain Dew were to make another blue-colored Dew (Taco Bell exclusive Baja Blast was the first blue Dew), this flavor should be it. Finally, the wild berry flavor of Mountain Dew Revolution was decent, but personally wild berries aren’t my thing, because they’re too wild for me.

But my voice is just one and many of you probably disagree with me, so if you want to participate and get an unhealthy amount of high fructose corn syrup, try all three flavors, and vote at the Dewmocracy.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle – 290 calories, 0 grams of fat, 105 milligrams of sodium, 76 grams of carbs, 76 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 91 milligrams of caffeine, and 10 grams of Dewmocracy.)

Item: Mountain Dew Dewmocracy Flavors (SuperNova, Revolution, and Voltage)
Price: $1.25 each (20 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 7 out of 10 (SuperNova)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Revolution)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Voltage)
Pros: SuperNova had a nice fruity flavor. Voltage flavor was good. 91 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine per bottle. Care Bears holding hands while skipping across a rainbow and singing “Joy to the World.” None of the flavors were repulsive. Democracy.
Cons: High fructose corn syrup. Wolf Blitzer’s beard. Having to drink three bottles of Mountain Dew for this review. Having to sign up to have the opportunity to vote for Dewmocracy.

REVIEW: Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond

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OMGYAFC!!! Oh. My. God. You. Are. Fucking. Cute.

I don’t know whether to eat or to hug you, Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond. Look at your face on your packaging. You’re trying to balance an almond on your nose while caramel corn is being thrown at you. Totemo kawaii (very cute). I really don’t want to open you because I afraid I’m going to hurt you. That look on your face looks like you’re prepared for the torture of having your top ripped open by filthy non-cute human hands. Oh how I wish you weren’t cute, like a bag of Ruffles Potato Chips, a trash dumpster, or Ashley Simpson and Pete Wentz’s wedding photos.

But I’m sorry, little guy, I have to open you. If I wasn’t hungry and didn’t need to review you, perhaps I could cuddle you a little longer. Now I have to eat what could be considered your brains. Are you ready, little guy? At least you won’t have to worry about caramel corn being thrown at you anymore and perhaps you can open your eye again. Let me just squeeze you one last time. Hmm…Goodbye, my cute little Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond. Goodbye.

(Opens bag and Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond exhales its last breath)

NOOOO…Oh. You’re not so cute inside. I was expecting bright colors and flamboyant costumes, like being at a gay pride parade, but your innards look like all-you-can-eat fried shrimp from Red Lobster. Not so kawaii. I hope your flavor was worth killing you for.

Oh. You’re like Cracker Jack-flavored Cheetos. Wow, Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond, you’re really tasty and very addicting. You’re so light, fluffy, and crunchy that I didn’t realize I just ate half of you. You may not be cute and happy on the inside, like you are on the outside, but when I eat you, you make me happy on the inside. I guess I’m going to have to find other cute little bags of Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond and kill them too.

(Nutrition Facts – 28 grams (1/3 of the bag) – 157 calories, 9 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 0 milligrams cholesterol, 54 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 0.3 grams of dietary fiber, 16.7 grams of sugar, 1 grams of protein, 1.5% calcium, 0.7% iron, and 100% kawaii.)

Item: Tohato Caramel Corn Roasted Almond
Price: $1.99
Purchased at: PriceBusters
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Fucking addictive. Tastes like Cracker Jacks. Light, fluffy, and crunchy. Totemo kawaii packaging.
Cons: Looks like all-you-can-eat fried shrimp. Probably hard to find for most people since it’s a product of Japan. Having to kill cute things.

REVIEW: Always Mandarin Stride Gum

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I’m not sure if chewing gum helps strengthen the muscles around my mouth, but if it does, I just gave my mouth a workout with the Always Mandarin Stride Gum.

Stride Gum isn’t shy about letting everyone know that their product is “The Ridiculously Long Lasting Gum.” They are much like my ex-girlfriends who aren’t timid about letting everyone they know that I am “The Disappointingly Short Lasting Lover,” which I’m working on by the way with kegel exercises. Because I like to prove ridiculously lame marketing slogans wrong, and it’s been hard to me to disprove my alleged poor sexual prowess, I set forth and made like a cow chewing cud by chomping on a piece of this orange-flavored Stride gum for as long as I could. I hoped that this piece of gum would last shorter than I do.

Unfortunately, the Always Mandarin Stride Gum lasted significantly longer than I ever will, but it also lasted longer than most men ever will, except Sting and his freaky deeky 48-hour Tantric Sex. I chewed on a piece for about an hour. Its initial flavor was kind of weird and it lasted for about 3-4 minutes.

At first, it tasted kind of like orange oatmeal, but after that subsided, it tasted like a really weak diet orange soda with the artificial sweetener aftertaste. The orange flavor really began to disappear after about 45 minutes of chewing and I spit the gum out 15 minutes later.

Is 45 minutes considered “ridiculously long?” In the porn world, not including oral…yes. In the business meeting world…no. In the gum chewing world…that’s pretty good. In my world…I can only dream. I think it’s even better than Extra gum, but my jaw is too tired to actually find out, which reminds me that my ex-girlfriends also aren’t afraid about letting everyone know that I am also “The Disappointingly Little Lasting Licker.”

Hmm…If chewing Stride Gum for long periods can strengthen my jaw, perhaps it can help me shed that label.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – Less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 grams of sugar alcohol, 0 grams of protein, and 45 minutes of saliva production.)

Item: Always Mandarin Stride Gum
Price: $1.29
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent flavor once you get past the weird initial flavor. Closable packaging. Long lasting flavor. Might help strengthen mouth muscles. Kegel exercises.
Cons: Weird initial flavor. Mandarin flavor is not always. It lasts longer than I do. My ex-girlfriends talking about me. 48-hour Tantric Sex marathons. $4 gallons of gas.

Nilla Cakesters

/ / Reviews / 16 Comments

With the introduction of Nilla Cakesters, the milking of the Cakesters brand has begun and we can officially start the countdown to Nutter Butter Cakesters, which is less exciting than a Space Shuttle countdown, but less creepy than a Miley Cyrus 18th birthday countdown website.

It seemed like Nilla wafers were the bastard child in the Nabisco family and not loved at all, until these Nilla Cakesters were introduced. While Oreo and Nutter Butter have lickable cream centers and Oreos come in more variations than women at a quality Nevada whorehouse, Nilla wafers (or Illa Nilla, as the kids like to call them) have been just plain vanilla over the years: no limited edition variation, no chocolate version, and Santa Claus not only rejects them at Christmas, he drags out of bed the kids who left them there, burns their lump of coal in front of them, and then brands the kid’s arm with it.

The Nilla Cakesters remind me of Brooke Hogan because they both have bland looking round golden cakes, white filling, and the inability to spell the word “vanilla” correctly. They also look like the smaller, less-phallic cousin of Twinkies, and much like Twinkies, the Nilla Cakesters had a greasy taste and feel to it. Its greasiness surprised me, since the cake in the Nilla Cakesters was quite dry. A vanilla flavor was pretty much non-existent, unless the greasy flavor is some Nabisco Nutrition Nerd’s interpretation of vanilla, which if it is, that nerd needs to get back into the laboratory and create some better tasting and more realistic processed shit.

Until then, Nilla wafers will continue to be the Rodney Dangerfield of the Nabisco family.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cakes – 220 calories, 10 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 135 milligrams of sodium, 35 milligrams of potassium, 32 grams of carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 22 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 2% iron and 10.56 ounces of illa.)

Item: Nilla Cakesters
Price: $3.00
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Contains polyunsaturated fat and monounsaturated fat, which have health benefits. No trans fat. Nevada whorehouses. Oreos. The Space Shuttle. Weezer’s video for “Pork and Beans.”
Cons: Greasy flavor and feel. Cake was dry. High Fructose Corn Syrup. The chaos when Santa is given Nilla wafers. Miley Cyrus 18th birthday countdown website.

Edge Energy

/ / Reviews / 12 Comments

For many men, and some women, shaving their facial hair is a chore, but for me I don’t consider every shave an unpleasant task, I think of it as an experience for all five of my senses….oh, except taste because licking shaving blades is unpleasant and doesn’t taste good. Most people just want to get it done and over with. I want to embrace the journey and savor every moment like it’s my very last shave. I want to feel each individual hair being cut at the closest possible point; I want to hear the metal blades gently scrape along my skin; I want to smell the testosterone I release into the air that lets me know I am a man without looking between my legs; and I want to see what I look like if I had a white beard.

To reach that level of excitement, it takes more than a can of shaving cream and a disposable razor. You don’t give Leonardo da Vinci just a brush and expect him to create the Mona Lisa or The Last Supper. He needs oil paints, an easel, and a palette. You don’t give Joe Francis a video camera and assume he will create another Girls Gone Wild video. He needs drunk chicks, really drunk chicks, Girls Gone Wild t-shirts, and permission forms that drunk chicks can easily sign.

All you need to get a great shave is a sharp razor blade, some pre-shave oil, a really good shaving cream that doesn’t foam up a lot, hot water, aftershave balm, and some Jack Johnson music. The razor blade, pre-shave oil, shaving cream, and hot water will help glide the blade across your skin and the contours of your face. The aftershave balm will help soothe your skin. The mellow Jack Johnson music will help relax your facials muscles and pores, but don’t get too into it, or else the soothing sounds of Jack Johnson’s voice and guitar strumming will put you into a coma that can only be broken with death metal.

The new Edge Energy shaving gel is not something I would add to my shaving repertoire. First off, I’m disappointed that despite being called Edge Energy and comes in a green color reminiscent of an energy drink, it doesn’t contain anything that might boost my energy, like caffeine, ginseng, cocaine, green tea, testosterone, coffee, or a Richard Simmons Sweatin’ to the Oldies workout. Instead, Energy is the name of its supposed scent, which consists of cedar, leather, ginger and musk. Secondly, it doesn’t lubricate as well as some of the other products I’ve used from companies like the Art of Shaving and the King of Shaves. They are a little pricy, but if you’re going to have to do something every day or every other day, shouldn’t you use something that feels good to use. Thirdly, Edge Energy doesn’t seem much different than all the other Edge shaving gels. On its can, it brags about more aloe and moisturizers, but I really didn’t notice them.

Overall, the shave I got was average and not as pleasant as my usual shave. If you’re already an Edge shaving gel user, then I could recommend this to you, but if you shave every day, you really should move up to something better.

Item: Edge Energy
Price: $3.99
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Gelly then foamy. Cool black can. With more aloe and moisturizers, but I didn’t notice them. My shaving experience.
Cons: Average shave. Doesn’t seem much different than all the other Edge shaving gels. Nothing in it that gives a user energy. Energy scent isn’t really noticeable. Joe Francis is a dick.

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