Prize Drawing Winners Announced…Finally!

To choose the winners for TIB’s Third Anniversary Prize Drawing I thought about dunking my head into a cooler of ice water and use my teeth to pull out the email addresses of those who entered the drawing. I thought about making a gigantic Jello mold with slips of paper with numbers on them, tying my arms together behind my back, digging through the Jello with only my mouth, and pulling out random numbers. I also thought about stripping naked, covering my body with honey, blindfolding myself, stand in front of a fan, throw the email addresses of those who entered the prize drawing at the fan, causing them to blow in my direction and stick onto my body, and then peeling off the winners. In the end, I decided to do something simple. I just randomly picked numbers out of a hat…naked.

So here are the winners.

$25 Threadless Gift Certificate

Comment 124 – EM
Comment 29 – Cass
Comment 130 – Matt Miller

3 Month eMusic Subscription

Comment 76 – The Lazy Canadian
Comment 95 – Rachel
Comment 106 – Onaka suita!

$30 iTunes Gift Certificate

Comment 161 – Lisa
Comment 113 – Rylan
Comment 182 – luckinflux

Congratulations to all the winners! Thanks to everyone who participated!

Berry Burst Metamucil

Hey, y’all. It’s your girl Britney Spears.

I bet y’all have been hearing some things about me in the media and I just want to say for the record that I did do those things, but I want to let y’all know that I’m trying to live a regular, normal life, y’all. I just want to live a regular life with my mom, dad, little sister, dogs, house, bodyguards, maids, butlers, dancers, publicist, and assistants.

Oh, and my two kids. I kind of forgot about them, since I don’t see them much anymore, y’all.

I-I-I just want to be a regular person, like y’all. I want to know what it’s like to have the wind blow across my skin. I want to know what it’s like to love and be loved…Wait a sec, those would make crackin’ lyrics for another album, y’all. I think I’m going to call this song, “I’m Not Yo Bitch No More.”

Yeaaaaa, I’m not yo bitch no more. What do I need you for? I’m not yo bitch noooooo mooore.

Damn, y’all. I need to get into a studio and record that.

Anyway, because I want to be a regular person, I’ve been trying to eat alot of fiber because I heard eating it will make you regular. But it’s been hard trying to eat alot of fiber because In-N-Out Burgers and martini olives have almost no fiber. So here I am drinking this Berry Burst Metamucil. I tried the orange one first because I thought it was going to taste like Tang, but it didn’t. So I switched over to the berry one because it comes in pink, y’all.

It tastes kind of good. It’s got a flavor and texture like non-hardened Strawberry Jello not mixed well. Just like the pictures of my cooch on the internet, it’s a little grainy. Also, you have to drink it quickly or else it turns into sludge. It taste much better than the orange kind, but most importantly with every drink, I’m getting closer to being regular, y’all.

Actually, I’ve been drinking it for a while now and I’m beginning to feel the effects, y’all. Ever since I started I haven’t shaved off all my hair, I didn’t attack any paps with an umbrella, I haven’t been to rehab, and I didn’t marry some random dude off the street. The paps still take pictures of my cooch, but that can’t be helped. I’ve also been crapping alot for some reason and I dropped my new single, “Gimme More.”

(Supplement Facts – 1 rounded tsp – 20 calories, 5 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of soluble fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 0.8 milligrams of iron, 5 milligrams of sodium, 30 milligrams of potassium, and 100 grams of pooptasticness)

Item: Berry Burst Metamucil
Price: $11.14 (23.3 ounces)
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tastes kind of like non-hardened Strawberry Jello. Sugar free. May help lower cholesterol. Better tasting than the orange version. Helps with pooping.
Cons: Fiber from food is much better. Has texture of non-hardened Strawberry Jello. Y’all. Gimme More.

REVIEW: Betty Crocker Warm Delights Minis

Hi, boys and girls. Today, we’re going to learn about sharing. Can you say sharing?

Good job!

Have you ever heard the saying, “Sharing is caring?” Well it’s true, when you share it shows you care. Sharing is fun and cool. Not sharing is bad and evil. Do you know what we call people who don’t share? Take a guess. Poopie pants? No. Meanies? No. People who don’t share are called, “assholes.” Can you say, “asshole?”

Very good!

Here in front of me I have a package of the new Betty Crocker Warm Delights Minis, that come with two 1.23-ounce bowls. They’re much smaller than the regular Betty Crocker Warm Delights.

Now boys and girls, because I have two bowls, can I share it with someone? Yes, I can share it with someone. Who should I share it with? It should be someone who deserves or needs it. A friend? Yes. A family member? Yes. An Olsen twin? Definitely. An entire Ethiopian village? Possibly. Women who walk out of Curves? Most definitely.

Now boys and girls, if you were to give a bowl of Better Crocker Warm Delights Minis to a woman who walked out of Curves after a workout, it wouldn’t affect her too much. It has only 150 calories per bowl, but don’t tell her that, because it’s more fun that way. Let the guilt spread and if they feel bad about it, they can conveniently turn around and walk back into Curves to burn it off.

It’s not evil, boys and girls. It would be evil if you gave her both bowls or if you gave her a bowl of each Warm Delights Minis flavor: Chocolate Raspberry Decadence, Molten Chocolate Cake, and Molten Caramel Cake. The important thing is that you shared it with her, and in return she’ll probably share something with you, like a dirty look or a peek at her leopard leotard covered body. Can you say “tacky?”

Great job!

A bowl of Warm Delights Minis is so easy to make that you could do it yourself without parental guidance, and if you understand measurements. Just empty the cake mix into the bowl and mix well with one tablespoon water plus one teaspoon water. Squeeze the topping pouch ten times, cut off corner of pouch, and squeeze four to six lines of the topping over the batter. Microwave uncovered on high for thirty seconds. Let stand for two minutes.

Now boys and girls, you know how the school bully uses their bad body odor and fat ass to overpower you for your lunch money? It’s sort of like how the raspberry topping for Chocolate Raspberry Decadence overpowers the chocolate cake, making it overly tart and a little too sweet. The chocolate topping with the Molten Chocolate Cake is like the shy kid in the back of the room who doesn’t like to stand out and is an average student. It didn’t really make the chocolatey cake any more chocolatey. As for the Molten Caramel Cake, it’s like a B-grade student, because they’re both good and have the potential to be really good, but for some reason they fall short. The cake in all three of them is light, fluffy, and chocolatey. Not bad for something made out of cake mix and a little water.

So remember boys and girls, sharing is caring, and if someone doesn’t want to share, you should call them an “asshole.” If they still won’t share, punch them in the face and say to them, “I just shared my fist with you.”

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bowl (varies per flavor) – 150 calories, 3.5 to 4.5 grams of fat, 1 to 2 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, zero grams of cholesterol, 160 to 180 milligrams of sodium, 25 to 26 grams of carbs, one gram of fiber, 15 to 17 grams of sugar, two grams of protein, very little calcium, very little iron, and 50 grams of sharing.)

Item: Betty Crocker Warm Delights Minis
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received from nice PR people
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Quick and easy to make. Molten Caramel Cake was the best. 150 calories per bowl. Cake was light, fluffy, and chocolatey. Feeding dessert to women who walk out of Curves. Mini bowls cover my A cup titties well.
Cons: Raspberry topping overpowered the chocolate cake. Chocolate topping didn’t seem to add anything to the cake. Trans fat. Those who wear leopard leotards.

Nabisco Banana Garden Harvest Toasted Chips

Fruits can be fresh, frozen, canned, or dried, but thanks to the new Nabisco Banana Garden Harvest Toasted Chips I can now eat fruits in a crunchy, processed chip form. If you combine the taste of bananas with the look, size, and crunch of Wheat Thins and the shape of Doritos you would have an idea of what Garden Harvest Toasted Chips are like, or you could look at the picture on the right.

According to the revised USDA food pyramid, I should be eating six ounces of grains, two and a half cups of vegetables, two cups of fruits, three cups of milk, and five and a half ounces of meat and beans every day, but who eats like that? Who eats two and a half cups of vegetables and two cups of fruit everyday?

Most likely, people healthier and skinnier than me.

I don’t even know what a cup of fruit looks like. I was going to educate myself and find out how many slices of bread I need to eat to reach six ounces of grains or how many bananas I need to eat to get two cups of fruits, but the McDonald’s Big Mac Value Meal I ate made me sluggish and lazy.

It’s good to have another option when it comes to eating fruit because fruits are a pain in the ass, especially bananas. Fresh fruits, unlike Cher’s face, eventually wilt, rot, or spoil. Picking fresh fruit at the grocery store is also difficult since I get kicked out for smelling, fondling, or slapping fruit a little too much in order to know if they are ripe.

I know that honeydew melon enjoyed it.

I could make my own banana chips by buying some not quite ripe bananas from the grocery store, waiting for them to ripen, cutting them into slices, pulling out my Ronco Food Dehydrator, placing the banana slices on my Ronco Food Dehydrator racks, setting and forgetting my Ronco Food Dehydrator, letting the Ronco Food Dehydrator do its thing, and in a time 1,000 times longer than the time it takes me to walk to the nearest hippie natural foods store and buy banana chips, my homemade banana chips will be ready.

The Nabisco Banana Garden Harvest Toasted Chips taste like the banana chips found in hippie natural foods stores, which I enjoy, and just like Lays Potato Chips, prescription painkillers, a roll of bubble wrap, or a room full of balloons with a needle in my hand, once I pop, I can’t stop.

Despite tasting good, I was disappointed that I couldn’t reach my daily recommended amount of fruit by eating only the Nabisco Banana Garden Harvest Toasted Chips, since a serving of about 16 chips only provides the equivalent of 1/4 cup of fruit.

If you’re too lazy to do the math from eating a McDonald’s Big Mac Value Meal, I would have to eat 2/3 of the six-ounce bag in order to eat a cup of fruit or about 64 chips. I’m pretty sure eating a normal banana would be easier, if you eat them quick enough before they start rotting. Also, bananas are an excellent source of potassium and I was hoping that these chips be another good source, but each serving only has 160 milligrams, compared with a medium-sized banana, which has 400-500 milligrams.

Overall, the Nabisco Banana Garden Harvest Toasted Chips are tasty and they’re healthier than other snacks out there, but aren’t as healthy as an actual banana. But if you’re tired of the rotting with fresh fruits; the opening of cans with canned fruits; the thawing of frozen fruits; or the hippie, treehugger images that goes with dried fruits, you may want to give these chips a try.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 ounce (about 16 chips) – 120 calories, 3 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 60 milligrams of sodium, 160 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and 0 grams of banana peel slipping.)

(Editor’s Note: Read more about the Garden Harvest Toasted Chips at the Junk Food Blog. Then go watch the second version of the Hot Dog Dance)

Item: Nabisco Banana Garden Harvest Toasted Chips
Price: $3.99 (6-ounces)
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tastes like banana chips. Crunchy. Recloseable bag. Naturally flavored. Baked with 100% whole grain. Made with actual bananas. Decent alternative for fresh, frozen, canned, and dried fruits.
Cons: Only one-fourth a cup of fruit per one ounce serving. Not a lot of potassium with this banana product. Rotting fruit. The amount of time it takes to dry fruit in the Ronco Food Dehydrator. Getting kicked out of the grocery store for fondling melons. Bananas can be a pain in the ass.

Betty Crocker Ultimate Fudge Brownies

I have never really been a fan of frosted cakes. Sure, it’s been force fed to me my entire life, but I’ve never really been gripped by its supposedly tasty talons. It’s always been boring and nauseatingly sweet, leaving me with a plate full of uneaten frosting. The only time I plan on enjoying cake is when a stripper pops out of a giant one at a bachelor party. This is why Betty Crocker’s Ultimate Fudge Brownies seemed like it would be a great buy as I combed through the cake aisle.

Brownies are basically cakes for badasses. They are dense, satisfying, and don’t need fifteen pounds of frosting to taste good. Please note the lack of rainbow-colored pastels and shaved coconut. Indeed, these brownies do not fuck around. They are a perfect vessel for real goodies like ice cream and chopped walnuts. When you think about it, why would anyone prefer a plain cake? Would anyone care about the birthday cake if it wasn’t an empty palette that candles fit perfectly on? I would heavily campaign for the “Birthday Brownie,” but I’m afraid it would sound like I was promoting some deviant sexual act.

It comes as no surprise that the good folks at General Mills took the opportunity to pimp out Betty Crocker and have her hock these brownies. If you didn’t already know, Betty Crocker is a fictional character invented in the 1920’s so that housewives would learn their roles and get in the kitchen. I wish I was kidding. The actress portraying her would dispense valuable baking and homemaking advice for the captive audience. In reality, Betty Crocker is just as real as the Chupacabra, Batman, and your favorite porn star’s boobs.

Fake or not, Betty does a pretty good job of preparing a delicious brownie mix. Is it an “ultimate” one? Well, it comes reasonably close. Since little things tend to bother me far more than they ever should, the fact that they even call it “ultimate” is a bit annoying. The flavor of chocolate can never just be “chocolate” any more. No, it has be “double fudge,” “chocoholic,” and even the curiously named “fudge pack” that I’ve steered clear of. Betty Crocker takes this to a new extreme, as the Ultimate Fudge Brownies utilize the cocoa bean in every form imaginable to create the desired effect.

Not only is the brownie mix itself already infused with cocoa powder, but a bag of mini chocolate chips is included in the box. Once all of the ingredients are thoroughly mixed together, an included packet of Hershey’s syrup is squeezed in for good measure. This is because Betty decided that the brownies really needed the extra sugar. It doesn’t say it on the box, but if you have any leftover fondue from last week’s dinner party, they want you to mix that in too.

Despite my complaining about the convoluted preparation, they do come out hot and tasty from the oven. They are very rich and melt in your mouth, as all good chocolate products should. There is a nice hint of molasses flavor which keeps the brownies from being too sweet. With a sippy-cup full of milk, I can mow through quite a few brownies in one sitting. Be careful, though, all of the molten chocolate syrup and chips will almost certainly burn you horrendously if you decide to eat it too soon. I doubt Betty Crocker’s advice would be able to help you then.

Item: Betty Crocker Ultimate Fudge Brownies
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Albertsons
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Brownies are delectable and hot. Miniature packets of syrup and chocolate chips are fun. Strippers that come out of giant cakes. Competent and efficient housewives.
Cons: Amount of chocolate makes you question if eating is worth almost-certain diabetes. Plain cake sucks. Betty Crocker isn’t a real person.

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