REVIEW: Glaceau SmartWater

Marvo: Okay. Whose 1916 U.S. presidential campaign slogan was: “He kept us out of war.”?

Glacéau SmartWater: That’s easy. Woodrow Wilson’s

Marvo: Dammit! You got the yellow wedge!

Glacéau SmartWater: Yeah, that means I’ve got all the wedges and all I need to do to kick your ass again at Trivial Pursuit is get back to the middle and answer one more question.

Marvo: The game isn’t over yet.

Glacéau SmartWater: Oh wait. Let me play you a song.

(Glacéau SmartWater pushes play on the stereo and Wilson Phillips’ Hold On starts playing.)

Marvo: What’s up with the Wilson Phillips? Have you been watching too much I Love the 90s?

Glacéau SmartWater: Do you hear her?

Marvo: Hear who?

Glacéau SmartWater: Do you hear the fat lady singing?

Marvo: Fat lady? Do you mean Carnie Wilson?

Glacéau SmartWater: Yeah, do you hear her singing?

Marvo: Dude, Carnie’s not fat anymore. Actually, she lost a lot of weight and she’s pretty hot now.

Glacéau SmartWater: But she was fat when she recorded the song.

Marvo: You’re being an prick, you know. Just because your first name is in French, doesn’t mean you have to act French.

Glacéau SmartWater: Whatever. Let’s get this over with so you can go crying back to your mamma. Maybe if you actually attended class and read your textbooks in college, I wouldn’t be whooping your ass for the umpteenth time.

Marvo: Well then, roll the dice you arrogant prick.

Glacéau SmartWater: Why do you keep playing against me? Can’t you read? I’m SmartWater.

Marvo: More like SmartAssWater. Anyway, what makes you so special?

Glacéau SmartWater: No water purifies better. No water hydrates faster.

Marvo: Dude, you’re just reading your own label, you corporate shill. Besides how the hell can anyone tell if the water they’re drinking is hydrating them faster?

Glacéau SmartWater: I’m electrolyte enhanced, beeyatch!

Marvo: So you’re like a flavorless and colorless Gatorade?

Glacéau SmartWater: I’m better than Gatorade.

Marvo: Whatever. Just roll the dice.

(Glacéau SmartWater rolls the dice and gets a six.)

Glacéau SmartWater: Oh yeah! Six baby! Back to the middle for the win.

Marvo: Well I get to pick the category.

Glacéau SmartWater: It don’t matter. History. People and Places. Entertainment. Science. Sports. Literature. I know it all. I’m SmartWater.

Marvo: All right, let’s see if you can answer this science and nature question.

Glacéau SmartWater: Bring it!

Marvo: What major Eastern city was the first in the U.S. to boast a bloodmobile for dogs, in 1991?

Glacéau SmartWater: Let me think about that, Silly Willie. Maybe I should sing a little ditty? Is it getting kind of chilly? Oh look at that lily. Really?

Marvo: Shit! You know it, just say it.

Glacéau SmartWater: The answer is Philly, dear Billy. Philadelphia, beeyatch!

Marvo: Dammit!

Glacéau SmartWater: Oh! Do you know what time it is now?

Marvo: Oh shit. Not again.

Glacéau SmartWater: It’s peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time. Where he at? Where he at? Where he at? Where he at? There he go. There he go. There he go. There he go. Peanut butter jelly. Peanut butter jelly. Peanut butter jelly. Peanut butter jelly. Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut putter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat. Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut putter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat.

Marvo: Frickin’ prick.

Glacéau SmartWater: Don’t be a sore loser. You almost had me. At least you answered one question correctly this time.

Marvo: I’m not being a sore loser, you’re being a sore winner.

Glacéau SmartWater: Well maybe if your body was all water instead of 70 percent water, you’d be as smart as me.

Marvo: Oh, really?

(Marvo grabs Glacéau SmartWater opens him and drinks half the bottle.)

Glacéau SmartWater: HEY! HEY! HEY! THAT WAS TOTALLY UNCOOL, MAN!

Marvo: No, that WAS cool…and refreshing.


Item: Glacéau SmartWater
Purchase Price: $1.39 (33.8 fluid ounces)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Refreshing as revenge. Electrolyte enhanced. Pretty bottle. Better tasting than tap water. Peanut butter jelly time.
Cons: Pricey compared with other bottled water in bigger sizes. Sore winner. A total prick. Know-it-all asshole.

REVIEW: Monster Energy XXL

After I quickly chugged down all 23.5 ounces of Monster Energy XXL shotgun-style, I was afraid with all the caffeine in my body, I was going to do something rash, like wrestle a bear, tackle a homeless person, watch Taradise on the E! Channel, or become a Scientologist.

Fortunately, none of that happened, but I was totally wired. Although not as wired as that time I took two Vivarin to pull an all-nighter to study for my Japanese 202 final, which caused my hands to shake constantly through the entire exam.

And let me tell you, it isn’t easy writing complicated kanji characters when my hands are shaking like I’m trying to disarm a bomb or unhook a woman’s bra for the first time.

With the complex art of kanji writing, one mess up could mean the difference between writing, “I think you have nice eyes,” and “I think your eyebrows look like furry minks ready to mate.”

Anyway, I possibly had unhealthy amounts caffeine, taurine, and guarana flowing through my bloodstream and I felt like a kid with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder who forgot to take his Ritalin.

I wasn’t shaking, but I was restless and needed to find something to do to help burn off that energy at 10 o’clock at night. At that point, I wished I had a Playstation 2, a girlfriend, or a bear to wrestle.

In my ADHD state, I cleaned my bathroom, watched an episode of Robot Chicken, separated my socks by pairs, arranged by boxers by color, ironed my t-shirts, and arranged my Playboy magazine collection by blondes, brunettes, and redhead Playmates.

However, despite doing all of that, I didn’t end up going to sleep until three in the morning.

As for the Monster Energy Drink itself, it’s the Impulsive Buy’s favorite energy drink ever, because is doesn’t have that typical medicine-like taste that other energy drinks have and it’s pretty sweet.

A regular can of Monster Energy is 16 ounces, but the Monster Energy XXL is 23.5 ounces. Of course, this means 7.5 more ounces of caffeine, taurine, guarana, goodness.

Yes, the can is impressive, but I think some of you may be more impressed with the fact that the Monster Energy XXL can would make an excellent bong.

But then again, what wouldn’t make an excellent bong?

(Editor’s Note: For more energy drink reviews go visit Jason and Angie at screamingenergy.com.)


Item: Monster Energy XXL
Purchase Price: $2.79
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Excellent flavor. 23.5 ounces of Monster goodness. Aluminum can might make for a great bong.
Cons: Hard to sleep after drinking entire can after 10 pm. Writing kanji with shaky hands. Wrestling with bears.

REVIEW: Koyo Ma Ha Lo Deep Sea Water

I’ve never been down into the depths of the deep-sea, so I’m not too sure what’s down there.

Although from watching Finding Nemo, watching various Discovery Channel shows, and reading various issues of National Geographic (the boring issues without sagging topless women from African tribes), I think I might have an idea to what’s down there.

Apparently, there are creepy-looking fish with spikes and frickin’ huge teeth, Davey Jones’ Locker, pirate treasure, the Titanic, and lots and lots of whale and fish poop.

But who would’ve known that the deep-sea would also contain vast amounts of healthy, pure, mineral-rich drinking water. Maybe if I visited, I would’ve known, but I probably wouldn’t have been able to tell anyone since my head would’ve exploded from the pressure of being at that depth.

Recently, I was able to try the Koyo Ma Ha Lo Deep-Sea Water, which is pumped from 2,000 feet below the surface of the ocean and then desalinized, filtered, and bottled on the Kona Coast of the Big Island.

As you can see from the bottle, it’s printed in Japanese, because apparently desalinized deep-sea water is REALLY big in Japan.

Although I’m not surprised by this because Japan is a country known for their eccentric products, like the boyfriend arm pillow and the girlfriend knee pillow (NSFW).

According to Koyo, the deep-sea water contains ionized sodium, ionized chlorine, magnesium and calcium, which can help with everything from metabolism to circulation. This means the deep-sea water could help people lose weight and, for us guys, help give us boners.

Now you would think that I would love this deep-sea water because the name Marvo means “sea lover” in some ancient language.

Although, I don’t know whether “sea lover” means that I love the sea platonically, or if I enjoy getting it on with the sea.

I REALLY hope that it doesn’t mean I enjoy getting it on with the sea, because thanks to my near drowning experience while bodyboarding at Hapuna Beach, I now know that the sea likes it rough and kinky, and the sea apparently has some weird sexual asphyxiation fetish.

Sorry, but that’s a little too kinky…even for me.

Anyway, the Koyo Ma Ha Lo Deep-Sea Water has a very, very faint salty taste and it seemed more crisp compared with typical bottled water from mountain springs. However, I don’t know if I would be willing to spend four to six dollars for a 1.5 liter bottle of it, and I highly doubt I would be willing to fly to Japan to pick some up, since it’s only available there.

Although, I am in need of a girlfriend knee pillow.


Item: Koyo Ma Ha Lo Deep-Sea Water
Purchase Price: FREE (Retails for $4 – $6 in Japan for a 1.5 liter bottle)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Crisp and refreshing. Mineral-rich. May help with circulation and metabolism. Girlfriend knee pillow.
Cons: Pricey. Only available in Japan, although it might be available in the United States in the future. The sea likes it rough and kinky. My excessive use of paragraphs that begin with an A-word.

REVIEW: Glaceau Vitamin Water

Vitamin Water

I didn’t realize it until recently, but water is apparently making a comeback. Even if it’s been here for years. In bottles and on tap it appears. Making tears and when it rain, it makes mud. Listen to your throat go chug. Dehydration, overpowering. Jump into the bathroom, I’m showering.

Okay, okay, enough with the LL Cool J lyrics. I know, I know, I was stretching it a bit with the “overpowering/showering” rhyme.

Anyway, it seems like everyone is coming out with their own water or selling water. McDonald’s gives us the option of having bottled water with our Big Mac and fries. The Macy’s stores here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean even sell their own brand of bottled water.

With the amounts of bottled water being sold, I’m surprised Lil Jon hasn’t come up with his own brand of water called, Crunk Water.

Not only are there tons of bottled water to choose from, there’s also tons of flavored water to choose from, like lemon-flavored bottled water, berry-flavored bottle water, and orange-flavored water.

One particular brand of water I’ve been interested in is the Glacéau Vitamin Water, which comes in thirteen different flavors, each flavor contains a variety of vitamins and minerals, and each flavor has a different smart-ass label.

Now I was going to try all thirteen flavors, but unfortunately, I couldn’t find all thirteen flavors and I have a fear of the number thirteen. Although, it’s not like the fear/creepiness I had with the number sixteen, after seeing Lindsay Lohan’s picture for the first time, saying she was totally hot, finding out she was only sixteen years old, and waiting for someone to arrest me for saying an underaged girl was hot.

Anyway, I ended up getting just nine flavors, and I’m going to individually talk about each one.

Flavor: Essential
Main Vitamins & Minerals: Vitamin C and Calcium
Taste: Orangy, like a very weak orange soda without the carbonation.
Perfect For: People who want to get some Vitamin C, but hate the feeling they get from drinking orange juice right after brushing their teeth.

Flavor: Rescue
Main Vitamins & Minerals: B Vitamins and Chamomile
Taste: It’s like I’m drinking tea leaves or flowers. Blech!
Perfect For: People wearing leis and want breath to match.

Flavor: Multi-V
Main Vitamins & Minerals: The name says it all.
Taste: Lemonade-ish. Pretty damn good.
Perfect For: People who don’t want to pay 25 cents for a small cup of crappy lemonade from some kid with a stand on the side of the road.

Flavor: Revive
Main Vitamins & Minerals: B Vitamins and Potassium
Taste: Like fruit punch, although significantly less fruity than Tom Cruise.
Perfect For: Anyone appearing on the reality show, Hit Me Baby One More Time.

Flavor: Stress-B
Main Vitamins & Minerals: Vitamins B3, B5, B6, and B12
Taste: Like a watered-down lemon-lime soda, except without the carbonation.
Perfect For: “Runaway Bride” Jennifer Wilbanks before her next wedding.

Flavor: Balance
Main Vitamins & Minerals: Vitamin C and Glucosamine
Taste: Cranberry and grapefruit-ish. Definitely not my favorite.
Perfect For: People who want to make sure they walk in a straight line after being pulled over by a police officer.

Flavor: Focus
Main Vitamins & Minerals: Vitamin A and Ginkgo
Taste: Kiwi-strawberry mix. Pretty good.
Perfect For: People who have to sit through a timeshare presentation and don’t want to get caught spacing out. Or people on weed.

Flavor: Power-C
Main Vitamins & Minerals: Vitamin C and Taurine
Taste: What the heck is dragonfruit and why does it taste weird?
Perfect For: Those who hate oranges, lemons, and limes, but don’t want to get scurvy.

Flavor: Endurance
Main Vitamins & Minerals: Vitamin E and Ribose
Taste: Nice peach-mango taste.
Perfect For: Long distance runners, workaholics, and Sting, before one of his marathon Tantric sex sessions.


Item: Glacéau Vitamin Water
Purchase Price: $1.79 each
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Smart-ass labels. Wide variety of flavors. Good way to get vitamins and minerals. Better than water from a garden hose, unless the garden hose is attached to a slip ‘n slide.
Cons: Pricey. Some flavors weren’t very good. Couldn’t find all the flavors.

REVIEW: Britannia Soliss Pear & Ginger Sparkling Water

Britannia Soliss Sparkling

(Editor’s Note: Today’s review is brought to you by one of the Impulsive Buy’s original readers, Megan, who was kind enough to send me from Germany a bottle of Britannia Soliss Pear & Ginger Sparkling Water. She sent it because she wanted me to know what REAL sparkling water tastes like. Thanks, Megan!)

As many of you already know, my first experience with sparkling water was one I’d like to forget, but unfortunately, it will probably forever haunt me in my dreams…or when I get thirsty.

So it was with some trepidation that I tried the Britannia Soliss Pear & Ginger Sparkling Water from the United Kingdom.

After taking a hesitant first sip of the Britannia Soliss, the first thing that came to my mind was, “What the hell died in the Aquafina Sparkling Water to make it taste so damn horrible?”

The Britannia Soliss was crisp and clean. It went down smooth. It had a nice distinguished pear taste, with a hint of ginger, which gave it some spice. But most importantly, it didn’t make me gag, it didn’t make me want to spit it out, and it didn’t taste like my tongue licked a fire hydrant. In other words, it was waaay better tasting than the Aquafina Sparkling Water.

Ever since taking that first sip, not only has my view of sparkling water changed, my whole view of the world has changed dramatically. The Britannia Soliss has lifted the blinders from in front of my eyes and it has made me see everything in a whole new light.

I no longer consider rain to be dismal and dreary. I now call it liquid sunshine. I no longer read Playboy only for the articles. I no longer see ALL the Baldwin brothers as B-movie actors, just Stephen, Daniel, and William. I no longer think of prostitutes as whores, I now think of them as sex professionals.

It’s like the world is anew.

One of the the things that caught me off guard with the Britannia Soliss was that they actually tell you where the got the water from on the label.

Britannia Soliss is a unique new range of drinks blending natural flavours and extracts with Spring Water drawn from a source at the end of the Pennine chain, with its protected environmental ensuring purity.

I got nothing of the sort from the Aquafina Sparkling. For all I know, some sweaty, hairy dude in adult diapers, sitting in a kiddie pool filled with sparkling water, might be filling each bottle with the water he’s sitting in.

Oh, I hope those bubbles in the water were from the carbonation.

Besides the taste, one of the best things about the Britannia Soliss was the price and size of the bottle. For only 99 cents, Megan picked up a one liter bottle (about 34 ounces).

If the Britannia Soliss and the Aquafina Sparkling were in the same school, the Britannia Soliss would totally be taking Aquafina Sparkling’s lunch money and giving it a wedgie every single day, because it’s much bigger.

Sure the Aquafina Sparkling Water has no calories, but the entire bottle of Britannia Soliss only had 15 calories. I could probably burn that amount while typing this review or…ahem…reading an issue of Playboy.

Of course, if there was one downfall of the Britannia Soliss, it would be the fact that most of us can’t get our hands on it here in the States. But if you happen to be in Europe, especially the United Kingdom, and you’re thirsty, I’d recommend the Britannia Soliss.

Item: Britannia Soliss Pear & Ginger Sparkling Water
Purchase Price: 99 cents (purchased by Megan in Germany)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tastes helluva a lot better than Aquafina Sparkling, but what doesn’t. Crisp and clean taste. Made me change my mindset about sparkling water. Big-ass one liter bottle for less than a dollar.
Cons: Might not be available in the United States, but it’s available in parts of Europe.

REVIEW: Aquafina Wild Berry FlavorSplash

Aquafina FlavorSplash

Everyone has these things they have to do everyday. Some people call them routines, some call them habits, some call them quirks, and some call them obsessive-compulsive actions, but everyone has them.

Here are the three things I have to do everyday:

1. Learn something new – It can be a new word, recipe, world capital, sexual position, or way to make a baby cry.

2. Give an offering to one of my celebrity shrines – I usually give ChapStick for my Angelina Jolie shrine, fresh herbs for my Rachael Ray shrine, an Emmy award for my Tina Fey shrine, and for my Winona Ryder shrine, a Saks Fifth Avenue gift card.

3. Drink enough water to make my pee clear – It shows that I’m well hydrated and when I pee, I don’t have to flush the toilet, because it looks like I didn’t do anything.

Some people say if your pee is clear, it shows that you’re healthy, but for me it also prevents other people from pointing fingers at me when they see “I ♥ Ryan Seacrest” written in yellow snow.

So how do you make your pee clear? You do it by drinking lots and lots of water.

They say everyone should drink eight glasses of water a day and I tried that, but drinking just plain old water got boring really quick. So I’ve been trying to mix it up with different types of water and it’s been sometimes successful and other times, like with the Aquafina Sparkling Water, it was a total disaster, like the Titanic sinking or any recent Ben Affleck movie.

You would think from that experience I would’ve learned my lesson with Aquafina water, but apparently I’m a sick masochistic son of a bitch, because I decided to try the zero calorie, zero carbs, and zero sugar Aquafina Wild Berry FlavorSplash.

Yeah, Aquafina! Give it to me, baby! Oh yeah, I like the way you punish my taste buds! Make me grimace, baby! Make me gag, Aquafina!

So what’s the difference between Aquafina FlavorSplash and Aquafina Sparkling?

Aquafina FlavorSplash contains no carbonation and is artificially sweetened with Splenda, while Aquafina Sparkling has carbonation and all-natural flavors, contains no sugars or artificial sweeteners, and tastes so bad that plants would find a way to spit it out.

I thought the FlavorSplash was going to rock my world…in a bad way. However, it turned out to be not bad. It’s got a very light berry taste and it also tastes like someone dumped a couple of packets of Equal into the bottle and mixed it up.

It’s slightly better than regular water, but waaaay better than Aquafina Sparkling. I guess Splenda is good for something else besides pretending to be cocaine.

I thought I found a decent plain water replacement, until I let the half-full bottle (or half-empty for you pessimistic folks) of Aquafina FlavorSplash sit outside of the refrigerator for a few hours. It turns out that it’s like milk, the longer you leave it out of the refrigerator, the better the chances of you spitting it out.

Well as long as it’s chilled I think FlavorSplash is not bad, but then again, I think former MTV VJ Kennedy is a babe.


Item: Aquafina Wild Berry FlavorSplash
Purchase Price: 89 cents
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Not bad. Cheap. Waaay better than Aquafina Sparkling. Zero calories. Zero sugars. Zero carbs. My celebrity shrines. I like punishment.
Cons: Tastes crappy warm. Most Ben Affleck movies.