Tag: Cereal

Honey Graham Life Cereal

Marvo 28 Comments

Honey Graham Life Cereal

(Editor’s Note: I’d like to thank all of those who sent me well wishes these past couple of days. I’m feeling better thanks to lots of orange juice, Airborne Effervescent, green tea, generic NyQuil, water, quality time with my bed, and apologies to Dr. Phil.)

A few weeks ago Impulsive Buy reader Editrix told me about Honey Graham Life Cereal, which she learned about from the ad in the back of a Cinnamon Life Cereal box. According to Editrix, the box said Honey Graham Life is, “the newest and most surprising Life cereal yet!”

Being someone who likes surprises, except the surprise of finding out the female prostitute I hired has both sexual organs, I had to find out what was so surprising about Honey Graham Life Cereal.

After eating the entire box, I have found there are three things that are surprising about it.

What’s the first thing that’s surprising about Honey Graham Life Cereal?

Mikey likes it, and he doesn’t like anything. However, if you think about and look at the other things Mikey likes, him liking Life Cereal isn’t so surprising.

For example, Mikey’s favorite board game is The Game of Life. His favorite soap opera is One Life To Live. His favorite TV show of all time is The Facts of Life. He also likes reading Life Magazine. Finally, young Mikey also likes to chug down a 40-ounce of Miller High Life Beer.

What’s the second thing that’s surprising about Honey Graham Life Cereal?

Despite looking almost exactly alike, it turns out that Life Cereal and Chex Cereal are in no way related.

Although I have my suspicions that Mr. Quaker and General Mills had the same cereal concubine and had several milky wet threesomes with each other, which probably led to the births of Life Cereal and Chex Cereal.

What’s the third thing that’s surprising about Honey Graham Life Cereal?

Honey Graham Life Cereal didn’t taste like honey or graham. Instead it tasted like some kind of sweet vegetable, although I can’t point out which one.

However, that sweet vegetable taste was surprisingly decent, but still too weird for me to consider buying another box of Honey Graham Life Cereal.

Item: Honey Graham Life Cereal
Purchase Price: $5.99
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Big box (21 ounces). Made with whole grain for my fat ass. Low-fat. Vitamins and minerals. Mikey likes it.
Cons: Weird sweet vegetable taste. Gets soggy quick. Life and Chex are not related (or are they?).

REVIEW: Post Fruity Pebbles with New Bedrock Berry Pink

Marvo 34 Comments

Oh my god, Fruity Pebbles, pink was, like, so 2004.

I don’t know if you, like, got the memo, but pink is, like, no longer the new black.

So why don’t you, like, go back home to your South Beach Diet and listen to the Usher song “Yeah!” on, like, your CD player?

Oh my god, you’re, like, so not current. I bet you, like, still call P. Diddy, Puff Daddy.

I mean, like, where have you been for the past five months? Living in, like, a cave?

Not even singer Pink likes pink anymore. I heard she’s gonna, like, change her name to Fuchia or something like that.

Oh my god, like, look at your shoes! Have you been, like, shopping from the clearance rack?

Pffff… You know what? I had those shoes in, like, 2003. But, like, a week later I donated them to Goodwill, because they, like, weren’t in style anymore. I bet that’s where you, like, got them from.

I bet you, like, also still have acid-washed jeans and Benetton clothing in your closet.

Why are you, like, adding a new color anyway? It’s not like you taste any better or look any better. You could’ve, like, added death black, vomit green, or doo-doo brown, you still will, like, taste the same.

Oh my god, like, you have so many colors anyway, Fruity Pebbles. It’s like you got caught in a tornado with, like, Elton John’s wardrobe.

Why don’t you, like, add marshmallows or something? Those are, like, so hot right now. But, like, if you don’t do it by next week, it’s gonna be, like, so not hot, like that pink outfit you’re, like, wearing.

Oh my god, how about some, like, contrast? You look like a bottle of, like, Pepto Bismol.

I think I, like, need a bottle of it right now, because I’m, like, getting nauseated from looking at how uncool you are.

Anyway, I have to, like, go, because, like, your uncoolness is, like, totally rubbing off on me. I think I have to, like, buy a whole new wardrobe because of you. And, like, I guarantee my new wardrobe won’t have, like, any pink.

Item: Post Fruity Pebbles with New Bedrock Berry Pink
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes just like normal Fruity Pebbles. There’s, like, 10 essential vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Pink was, like, so 2004. Like, so not current. Adding, like, a new color is, like, so not hot. The game on the back of the box was, like, hard.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Star Wars Cereal

Marvo 26 Comments

Star Wars Cereal

With Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith opening tomorrow, The Impulsive Buy decided to review a product that promotes Star Wars. Wait, that doesn’t make sense. Products that promote Star Wars? If there’s one movie that doesn’t need promotional products it’s Star Wars.

Star Wars needs promotion like we need another movie with Paris Hilton. Both are very unnecessary.

Anyway, there are literally hundreds of Star Wars-related products available and deciding which one to review was a hard choice. However, I decided to review Star Wars Cereal because there are marshmallows in it. Yahtzee!

The Impulsive Buy was fortunate to interview Jedi Master Yoda for this review, who just so happened to be on the front of the Star Wars Cereal box I bought.

TIB: Yoda, thank you for agreeing to do this interview.

Yoda: Conan O’Brien you are not.

TIB: Sorry, I’m not.

Yoda: Interviews, doing too many I am. Keeping track I cannot. Fire agent I will.

TIB: Anyway, so how does it feel to have your face on a box of Star Wars cereal?

Yoda: Many things my face is on. Cereal box, potato chips, pencils, candy, endless the list is. Prostituted me Lucas has. On the back of adult diapers, if my face appeared, surprised I would not be.

TIB: You also have a marshmallow in the Star Wars Cereal. Isn’t that pretty cool?

Yoda: Seen the Yoda marshmallow have you? Look like me it does not. Blind Kellogg’s must be. Also, Darth Vader marshmallow, blue it is. Even with eyes over 900 years old, the color of Darth Vader I can see.

TIB: I’ve tried the cereal and I thought it tasted pretty good, like Lucky Charms. Did you try it and what did you think of it?

Yoda: Yes, years ago cereal I have tried. Like it I did.

TIB: Years ago?

Yoda: With lightsaber fight scene with Count Dooku in Attack of the Clones help me it did. Without sugar in cereal, bounce off walls and spin around I could not. To get me hyper, in this small body, not much sugar it takes.

TIB: So the Star Wars Cereal is a limited edition cereal. Can you use your Jedi powers to determine if it will be worth anything in the future?

Yoda: On eBay you wish to sell?

TIB: Yes.

Yoda: Jedi powers for profit? Use I will not. But Britney’s first child, typical trailer trash it will become.

TIB: It doesn’t take the Force to figure that out, Yoda.

Yoda: Hmm…True that is.

TIB: Now on the back of the cereal box, puzzles there are. Dammit, Yoda! Talking like you, I am!

Yoda: No, Jedi mind trick that was. No Jedi powers for profit, but Jedi powers for entertainment, another story that is.

TIB: Well I know you’re busy, so here’s my last question. The last two Star Wars movies weren’t very good. Is the last movie any good?

Yoda: Last two movies, my fault it was not. Puppet I am. Act better than Hayden Christensen in first two movies I did. Besides, watch it you will anyway, because last Star Wars movie it is.

TIB: True. Well Yoda, I’d like to thank you for taking the time to visit with us.

Yoda: Welcome, you are.

Item: Star Wars Cereal
Purchase Price: $2.97
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasted like Lucky Charms. Puzzles on the back of box were easy. Limited edition cereal. It may be worth more than retail price someday.
Cons: Yoda and Darth Vader marshmallows don’t look like them. Hayden Christensen’s acting in the first two Star Wars prequels. Revenge of the Sith is the last Star Wars movie.

Honey Bunches of Oats Banana Nut Cereal Bars

Marvo 21 Comments

Honey Bunches of Oats Banana Nut Cereal Bars

Ever since I started eating these new Honey Bunches of Oats Banana Nut Cereal Bars, I’ve been acting kind of strange. I guess someone could say I’ve been acting “bananas” and “nuts.”

I’m beginning to think that the saying, “You are what you eat,” is actually true.

If you don’t believe me, then listen to the crazy things I’ve done recently.

Many of you know about my insane McDonald’s Dollar Menu binge the other week. Besides Ruben Studdard, what sane person would stuff themselves with all that food in one sitting?

If you don’t think that’s nuts, I watched dangerous amounts of programming on the PAX Network, and when I say “dangerous amounts of programming,” I mean any amount over two minutes.

Still don’t think I deserve a straitjacket? Well how about me watching hours of the Ashlee Simpson Show, then buying her album “Autobiography” from iTunes, playing it over and over again on my iPod, and learning the words by heart, so I can lip-sync them as well as she can.

I guess I should’ve realized something was wrong after eating the first Honey Bunches of Oats Banana Nut Cereal Bar and soon after becoming the winning bidder for underwear on eBay.

However, the cereal bars were good and I saw my eBay purchase as a need for underwear and not as a sign of becoming crazy.

The cereal bars didn’t taste much like the actual Honey Bunches of Oats cereal, even though they had the same crispy flakes and oat clusters the cereal has. I thought it wasn’t as sweet as the cereal. However, these cereal bars were definitely better than the Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Bananas cereal, which The Impulsive Buy reviewed last year.

Besides being good tasting, these cereal bars are also sort of good for you. Each bar has as much calcium as a glass of milk and has nine other vitamins and minerals. However, this isn’t special because the better-tasting Hershey’s SnackBarz I tried a few months ago, with its crispy rice, marshmallows, and milk chocolate, is a good source of calcium, iron, and seven essential vitamins.

Yahtzee!

Plus, the Hershey’s SnackBarz didn’t make me do anything crazy, like eat in one sitting half a bag of Ruffles Light, with the anal-leakage-causing Olestra.

Well I guess I should be glad I didn’t eat any Hostess Ho-Ho’s.

Item: Honey Bunches of Oats Banana Nut Cereal Bars
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Good. Chewy. Calcium. 9 vitamins and minerals.
Cons: May make you go bananas or nuts. PAX Network. Lip-syncing. Olestra.

Post Marshmallow Mania Pebbles

Marvo 16 Comments

While pouring myself a bowl of the new Post Marshmallow Mania Pebbles and after being frustrated with the super difficult What’s Different? puzzle on the back of the box, I remembered the times I spent in front of the television watching The Flintstones.

I also remember being told by my parents that I shouldn’t sit so close to the television or else I was going to screw up my vision.

After I came out of those flashbacks and cleaned my glasses, many questions about The Flintstones popped into my head that I would’ve never thought of as a little kid. For example:

(1) During the credits at the end of the show, when Fred dumped the sabertooth cat outside, the sabertooth cat jumped through the window, dumped Fred outside, and locked him out. Why didn’t Fred just jump through the window like the sabertooth cat, instead of pounding on the front door?

(2) Dino walked on all fours, but he also walked on his hind legs quite a bit. Why didn’t he just choose one way and stick with it? Why did he have to showoff?

(3) How could someone as hot as Wilma be married to a fat oaf like Fred?

(4) Was The Great Gazoo gay and was that the real reason why he was exiled to Earth?

As I pondered these questions, I began to chow down on the Marshmallow Mania Pebbles. After a few spoonfuls, the taste of the Marshmallow Mania Pebbles stopped my train of thought. The artificial vanilla-graham flavoring and the marshmallow-flavored sprinkles on the cereal didn’t have much taste. It made the cereal kind of bland and it disappointed me, like both of the live-action Flintstones movies, except for the scenes in the first movie with Halle Berry.

The only things that saved this cereal were the marshmallows, which have been known to make many things better, like hot chocolate, yams, campfires, the movie Ghostbusters, and William Hung’s singing, when you stuff the marshmallows in your ears.

Now the marshmallows in the cereal were supposed to be in the shapes of Fred, Barney, Dino, and Gazoo. After examining them, I have to say the only way anyone would think the marshmallows looked like any of those characters was if they were high.

Really high, like double-barrel-bong high.

Despite the large cast of character marshmallows, I really wished there were Wilma and Betty marshmallows, because I would love to eat those two.

Item: Post Marshmallow Mania Pebbles
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Marshmallows. Low-fat. Marshmallows. Vitamins and minerals. Marshmallows.
Cons: Cereal part was kind of bland, even with its artificial vanilla-graham flavoring and marshmallow flavored sprinkles. No Wilma or Betty marshmallows. What’s Different? puzzle on the back of the box was super hard.