Tag: Cereal

Kellogg’s Tiger Power

Marvo 12 Comments

Tiger Power

Tony the Tiger, why have you turned into such a pussy…cat?

Have you sold out? Have you been pressured by consumer groups who think your cereals are fattening children? Is someone trying to blackmail you with a sex tape of you with a hippopotamus? Or are they blackmailing you with a secret, like you’re actually a zebra with extensive plastic surgery?

Geez, it’s not like you’re the only cereal spokesperson who has secrets. For example, Toucan Sam is gay. Why do you think they call it Froot Loops? It’s definitely not because of the fruity flavors.

Then there’s the Trix Rabbit, who was a kinky, cross-dressing, role-playing prostitute, before he got the Trix gig. He could fulfill anyone’s fantasy…for the right price. Why do you think he’s so good with disguises?

Whatever it was, at least tell me why you have unleashed your “lightly sweetened” Tiger Power cereal upon the masses?

Fiber, calcium, and protein? Whatever happened to sugar, sugar, and sugar? It’s worked for you in the past. You’re the man…ur…zebra…ur…tiger that brought us such wonderful, sweet cereals as Tony’s Cinnamon Crunchers, Banana Frosted Flakes, Cocoa Frosted Flakes, and the original Frosted Flakes.

Okay, actually, Tony’s Cinnamon Crunchers sucked big time.

However, this Tiger Power sucked even more. It was so bland, it’s like you purposely wanted it to taste like fiber, calcium, and protein. Although it didn’t take away the title of World’s Worst Tasting Cereal from the Carb Well cereal I tried a few months ago.

Despite the bland taste, I was hoping I could somehow make the cereal edible. I didn’t want to give up on you and your Tiger Power cereal, as quickly as that 7:30 a.m. accounting class during my freshman year in college, because I owe you and Frosted Flakes a lot for providing me the energy in elementary school to survive until recess.

The first thing I tried to do to make Tiger Power edible was add sugar…lots of sugar. Unfortunately, I realized that it wasn’t working too well and I was probably killing my liver.

I then tried chocolate milk, which helped a lot with the taste, but in the end I still think Tiger Power sucks.

Oh, Tony the Tiger. You have claws, stripes, and, apparently, really big balls, because you had the courage to release a crappy cereal, which probably ruined your reputation as a Sugar Daddy.

I’m so disappointed in you.

(Editor’s Note: Our friends at The Message Whore also did a review of this cereal, go read their review here.)

Item: Kellogg’s Tiger Power
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: Fiber. Protein. Calcium.
Cons: Bland. Bland. Bland. I no longer believe in Tony the Tiger.

Frosted Mini-Wheats Vanilla Creme

Marvo 13 Comments

Frosted Mini-Wheats Vanilla Creme

Aaah, the smell of vanilla from this box of Frosted Mini-Wheats Vanilla Creme, it brought back such wonderful memories.

The pleasant memory of my mother baking chocolate chip cookies on a warm, breezy Spring day. The breeze would circulate the delicious aroma of the baking cookies throughout the house. That smell would guide me from my bedroom to the kitchen, where I waited, armed with a chilled glass of milk, to devour the freshly-baked goods.

Now I’m not a fan of regular Frosted Mini-Wheats because the “wheats” part of the name makes it sound too healthy. I’m not too fond of many healthy cereals, because they just don’t taste very good.

Although with this cereal, the vanilla aroma made me think it might turn out pretty good. I quickly poured myself a bowl and added some skim milk. I took another whiff of the cereal and it reminded me of another memory.

It reminded me of a time when I made sweet, sweet love with a lover in a bath surrounded by dozens of vanilla-scented candles. The illumination from the candles reflected off of the water and our wet skin. My lover and I caressed each other, making our hearts beat as one.

We laughed as our lovemaking caused violent waves in the bath, splashing several of the candles and extinguishing them. Although the heat from those candles were no longer there, my lover and I did not notice, for we made our own heat.

Now I don’t know if that flashback took too long, but when I took that first bite of the cereal all my hopes and dreams for it quickly went out the door, like the mailman when he gets caught sleeping with someone else’s wife.

First off, the cereal was damn soggy. It’s like each Frosted Mini-Wheat was a milk sponge. Also, the wonderful vanilla aroma didn’t become a wonderful vanilla taste. If it weren’t for the frosting, this cereal wouldn’t have a redeeming quality.

Also, to add injury to insult, my jaw began to get tired from chewing on these “milk sponges.”

After I finished the bowl, I opened the box and pulled out a piece of cereal. I looked at it and wondered why something that smells so good, doesn’t taste so good. I took another whiff of the vanilla aroma and I was again reminded of another memory.

This memory involved a lover lying face down on her bed, which was covered with petals of red roses. I poured warm vanilla-scented oil on her naked back and rubbed it all over, which, along with the moonlight coming in from the window, created an elegant shine.

My hands firmly massaged her tense muscles, attempting to massage her troubles away. She moaned erotically as I pushed my thumbs up her spine. My soft lips followed my thumbs with light kisses on her back, which caused her to moan much louder.

After that flashback, I popped the cereal in my mouth. When I started chewing, I instantly realized what was wrong with the Frosted Mini-Wheats Vanilla Cream. Milk does not do the Frosted Mini-Wheats Vanilla Creme good. Without the milk, they’re damn good.

I think I just found a new way of getting some fiber in my diet.

Before closing the box, I took one last whiff of the cereal and another memory popped into my head.

This time it reminded me of the intoxicating vanilla perfume worn by a stunning woman named Kristi, who was an expert dancer. Her flexibility and strength were her greatest assets as she danced around a pole.

I told my friend, who brought me there, that Kristi smelled astounding. He replied, “Yeah, I love the Scent of a Stripper,” as he put a five dollar bill in the crotch of Kristi’s thong.

Oh wait, now that I think about it, this memory was actually a combination of a dream and an episode of HBO’s G-String Divas.

Item: Frosted Mini-Wheats Vanilla Creme
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tastes great when eaten straight out of box. Excellent source of fiber. Frosting. Wonderful memories with vanilla.
Cons: Gets soggy quick. Doesn’t taste good when milk is added. Chewing for a long period of time may make your jaw hurt.

REVIEW: Chocolate Lucky Charms

Marvo 14 Comments

Chocolate Lucky Charms

Over the years, I’ve probably eaten my body weight in Lucky Charms. Also, I’m probably at my current body weight because of Lucky Charms.

Nevertheless, it’s probably one of my favorite cereals of all time, not only because of its marshmallow goodness, but also because I believe there’s a slim chance that Lucky Charms will someday bring me good luck.

With all the Lucky Charms I’ve eaten, I’m expecting enough luck to last me for the rest of my life. Oh how great it would be to have that much luck.

I imagine a life where I would find twenty dollar bills on the ground every day, hit a jackpot on each slot machine lever I pull, marry a supermodel/doctor, and sleep on the finest leopard-print Chinese silk sheets around.

Now I have to admit, I wanted that luck to come to me soon, because I didn’t know how long I could keep eating Lucky Charms. When you’ve eaten your body weight’s worth of it, you tend to get tired of them, including all the green clovers, purple horseshoes, blue moons, rainbows, and whatever other marshmallows they have.

However, this boredom with Lucky Charms stopped, while shopping at the national grocery store chain I usually shop at. There I saw the most titillating thing I’ve ever seen. It was so heavenly that you should’ve seen my eyes light up, like a teenage boy flipping through an issue of Playboy that he stole from his father’s “secret” stash, when my eyes gazed upon the boxes of Chocolate Lucky Charms on the shelf.

I picked up the box and stared at it, like I had found the Holy Grail of Cereals. Then I turned the box over and read in big, bold letters, “The Secret is Out!”

Then I thought, “Secret? Out? Holy crap! Lucky the Leprechaun is GAY!”

Chocolate Lucky Charms

Well I read the rest of it and it turns out that he’s not, but my gaydar says he is. Come on, rainbow marshmallows?

So what’s Chocolate Lucky Charms?

Imagine combining the marshmallows from Lucky Charms with the cereal part from Count Chocula. That delicious combination gives us Chocolate Lucky Charms, or what I’m now calling, “Heaven in a Bowl.”

It’s so good, I can’t contain myself.

Oh my goodness, the marshmallows!

Oh my goodness, the chocolatey milk!

Oh my goodness, why didn’t they come up with it sooner?

Oh my goodness, I ate a whole frickin’ box in two days!

Oh, those geniuses at General Mills. I would kiss them all on the lips, if they were all in my room, if I weren’t munching on a mouthful of Chocolate Lucky Charms, and if they were all women.

But for that to happen, I’d have to be lucky.

Item: Chocolate Lucky Charms
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: DAMN good. Made with whole grain. Chocolatey milk. Marshmallows.
Cons: No luck, despite the pounds of Lucky Charms I’ve eaten. Why didn’t they come up with this idea sooner? Lucky the Leprechaun is still in the closet.

Carb Well Golden Crunch Cereal

Marvo 18 Comments

Carb Well Golden Crunch

You know how some people go through a traumatic experience and then totally forget about the incident because it was so traumatic? Well I think I experienced that with this Carb Well Golden Crunch cereal.

It all started one glorious morning when I opened the cupboard and noticed the box of Carb Well cereal. I remember buying it a long time ago, but I didn’t have a chance to eat it, thanks to a particular crappy cereal that doesn’t turn my milk chocolatey.

Since I had nothing else around to eat for breakfast, I decided to try it.

When I pulled the box down, I noticed that the box was open. Even the package inside was opened and sealed with a clothespin.

I thought it was strange, because I didn’t remember opening the box. I figured it must have been my roommate, but then I knew he never touches my food. I shrugged it off and poured myself a bowl.

As the golden nuggets poured into my bowl, I could smell sweetness of the Carb Well cereal. What makes this cereal special is the fact it has very little carbs (9 grams), a whole lot of protein (11 grams), and a bit of fiber (5 grams).

It smelled pretty good, so I assumed it would taste good.

Let me tell you, I couldn’t have been more wrong.

After I took that first spoonful of the Carb Well cereal, horrible memories that were repressed began spilling out of my subconscious. It all came back to me, all the memories of opening the box of Carb Well cereal and trying to eat a bowl two weeks earlier.

I remember the dryness of the cereal; the lack of taste; the way it seemed to soak up my saliva like sponges; the way I spit it out of my mouth; the pouring of what was left in my bowl down the drain and running the garbage disposal for a good minute to make sure the Carb Well cereal was dead; and wondering whether or not the dry dog food I once ate was worse tasting.

Oh, the horror! The horror! Mommy!

I guess I was so traumatized from the experience that I unconsciously just put the box of Carb Well cereal away and tucked away those memories deep into my mind.

After I calmed down from reliving those memories, I wanted to throw the rest of it away, but my cheap bastard side wouldn’t allow me waste the $2.50 I spent on it.

So I tried to overcome the blandness the best way that I could, by sprinkling sugar on top. It worked for Corn Flakes, Shredded Wheat, and Total, so I figured it would help.

However, with the Carb Well cereal, the sugar didn’t help at all.

For you Mary Poppins fans, I’ll explain it to you like this:


Many spoonfuls of sugar won’t help the Carb Well go down
The Carb Well go down-wown
The Carb Well go down.
Many spoonfuls of sugar won’t help the Carb Well go down.
Not in a delightful way.


Editor’s Note: Originally, I had put down the Sound of Music, instead of Mary Poppins, because I am an idiot. Thanks to all the readers/Julie Andrews fans who pointed this out to me. I need sugar.

After I realized the sugar wouldn’t help, I decided I had to get rid of the Carb Well cereal or else it would haunt me forever. So I poured the rest of the box down the drain and killed them all with the garbage disposal.

Note to self: Do not be tempted by the prices of Reduced For Quick Sale items. Especially meat, poultry, and dairy items.

Item: Carb Well Golden Crunch Cereal
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Low carbs and high protein. I might eat it if it were the last remaining food on Earth.
Cons: The horror! Oh, the horror! May cause traumatic experience. No amount of sugar will help with its taste.

Reduced Sugar Cocoa Puffs

Marvo 10 Comments

Where the hell is Sonny? I want to barbeque his orange-feathered ass.

What’s up with this 3/4 less sugar in his Cocoa Puffs?

Doesn’t Sonny realize he’s ruining the lives of grade school children everywhere? Sending them to school without adequate sugar levels is a recipe for failure in the classroom.

I hate to imagine where would I have been without sugary breakfast cereals? I probably wouldn’t have survived grade school. I wouldn’t have paid attention to my teacher, gotten good grades, completed my math worksheets before anyone else, gotten gold stars on my progress chart, become the tetherball king of the playground, or be able to handle the beating I received for being the biggest nerd, geek, dweeb, and dork.

For me, sugar was like steroids. It made me a better student. Sure I was a little “husky,” but I excelled in school and that’s all that really mattered. It’s better to be a smart “husky” kid than a stupid “husky” kid.

For a while the cereal companies had it right by adding more. They were adding more chocolate, more marshmallows, and more rainbow fruity colors.

But now the trend is to have less. So eventually is there also going to be less chocolate, less marshmallows, and less rainbow fruity colors?

Where’s the neural stimulant that kids are going to need to make it through lunch? They can’t drink coffee, because no grade school child can afford Starbucks everyday and I don’t think any of them are willing to risk stunting their growth.

So what else does all this loss of sugar get us?

It gets us Cocoa Puffs that doesn’t turn the milk chocolatey. You heard me. No chocolatey milk.

What’s to blame for this? Splenda, that’s what.

Damn you, Splenda! Damn you!

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It’s where we all get the energy to make it through work and school. For many adults that energy comes in the form of caffeine. For kids that energy comes in the form of sugar.

With 3/4 less sugar, I don’t think kids are going to go cuckoo over these Reduced Sugar Cocoa Puffs.

Editor’s Note: If you’re an astute Impulsive Buy reader, you may have noticed that today’s review is almost identical to a review we did in September for Froot Loops with 1/3 Less Sugar.

Item: Reduced Sugar Cocoa Puffs
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Chocolate. On sale.
Cons: Reduced taste. Splenda. Doesn’t make chocolate milk anymore. I’m not cuckoo for these Cocoa Puffs. We sort of recycled a review.