REVIEW: Doritos Crunch Nuts

Doritos Crunch Nuts  Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch

Doritos has two new products — the Crunch Mix and Crunch Nuts. Not since Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Tacos have I ever been so excited for a new Doritos-branded product to hit the market.

My fellow reviewer was pleased with the new Doritos Crunch Mixes, but how does the star items in those, the Crunch Nuts, stand on their own? A Doritos Locos Taco home run? Or a Doritos Loaded strikeout?

Regardless of how they are, they do have cool packaging. It’s futuristic looking with a unique shape that’s square at the bottom but then tapers to completely flat at the top. Its shape and design makes it perfect for snacking in the car.

Upon opening up each container I got blasted with a strong peanut aroma. I could tell right off the bat both flavors have a significant amount of seasoning. The Nacho Cheese is intensely orange, while the Cool Ranch is a lighter tan with a few dark speckles. Each Crunch Nut has an outer crunchy coating that’s covered with seasoning and then an inner portion that’s a full peanut.

Doritos Nacho Cheese Crunch Nuts

With both varieties, they nailed the Doritos flavor as each one tastes exactly their chip counterpart. Also, the name Crunch Nuts isn’t a misnomer as the crunch on them is epic as well. I found the best way to eat these is to soak up the seasoning a bit on your tongue so you get the full flavor and then swing for the fences with your teeth to get the crunch.

Doritos Cool Ranch Crunch Nuts

Once you get to the peanut part, though, it starts striking out. It completely overpowers the shell. It’s as if the Doritos essence vanished and never happened. I mean, I love peanuts as much as anybody, but the flavors together for these aren’t working. The Cool Ranch ones fare a little bit better as the flavor lasts longer and seems to meld better with the peanut, but with Nacho Cheese, not so much. The more I ate, the stronger the peanut flavor got and so I could only eat a few before it bored me.

Doritos Crunch Nuts are nowhere near a home run. They’re more of a line drive that looks like a double and you run past first base on your way to second but then have to quickly shuttle back to first as you realize your hit wasn’t as deep into the gap as you thought.

(Nutrition Facts – about 3 Tbsp – Nacho Cheese – 130 calories, 8 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 11 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 4 grams of protein. Cool Ranch – 130 calories, 8 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 12 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $1.99 each
Size: 3 oz.
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Nacho Cheese)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Cool Ranch)
Pros: Futuristic packaging. Plentiful seasoning and great crunch. Baseball analogies.
Cons: Overpowering peanut flavor. Cheese flavor and peanuts not quite having a beautiful marriage. Not suited to be a solo act.

REVIEW: Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight

The Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight is missing something, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Oh yeah, that’s right.

It’s missing the grease that real tacos at midnight would have, which lubricates the body so that the shame from the evening of debauchery can pass through easier. The tacos themselves also help by replacing the regret of whatever you did earlier in the evening with the shame of eating cheap, fast food tacos that will make you fart in your sleep.

The grease is necessary to wash away things like the regret of giving your cell phone number to the crazy, borderline homely person at the bar who keeps texting you about how special you are to them because you bought them a drink, which they mistook as a gift of courtship, but was really a pity drink after he/she told you their depressing story about how they got dumped on Valentine’s Day and the restraining order they received shortly after, all of which happened after you two accidently met on the dance floor while the DJ was playing “your jam” — a sped up mashup of Technotronic’s “Pump Up The Jam” and Joe Budden’s “Pump It Up.”

You don’t remember that person’s name, but you do know what they look like because you’ve received 20 or so text messages from them since you left the club an hour ago, and with every text their strobe light-lighted picture you took on your cell phone about 90 minutes ago when you were a lot more inebriated shows up on your phone’s screen. In your more sober state, you think to yourself, “Not even the poor lighting makes him/her look better.” Also at that point, you regret having your phone’s text messaging alert set to the chorus of A Tribe Called Quest’s “Hot Sex.”

The Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight may not have grease, or a simple name, but it does taste like a fast food taco and they’re tasty. Although its flavor specifically reminds me of a Jack in the Box taco, which isn’t my favorite fast food taco. But for some it’s the taco of choice for those who want to forget the embarrassment of drunk making out with someone who smelled like burnt hair and cigarette ashes, wore a lot of polyester and didn’t have all their teeth. You can point at the dark red powder that covers the chips for that flavor and you can also blame that powder for the slight spice of the chip and for making your fingers look like they contracted a nasty sexually transmitted disease.

The similarities between the Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight chips and Jack in the Box tacos don’t stop with flavor. Just like a Jack in the Box taco, when you burp after eating these Doritos you get to savor its flavor all over again. But without the grease found in regular tacos, these triangular chips won’t help the next time you find yourself in the back seat of a car, hopefully not a Mini Cooper, with someone who you think is of the opposite sex, but really isn’t.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – 150 calories, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 240 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, 2 grams of protein,

(Note: The Onion’s AV Club also reviewed them, along with the Doritos Late Night Last Call Jalapeno Popper. Phoood reviewed these, along with Everyview.)

Item: Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight
Price: $3.00
Size: 13 7/8 ounces
Purchased at: The-Blue-Superstore-Behemoth-That-Must-Not-Be-Named
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. If you like Jack in the Box tacos, it tastes like them. The grease from tacos. Forgetting things that will prevent you from running for office. Restraining orders.
Cons: Doesn’t contain the grease that real tacos have. Tastes like Jack in the Box taco, which aren’t my favorite. Anything bad that happens when you’re inebriated. Retasting it after you burp. Any mashup that contains Technotronic’s “Pump Up The Jam” and Joe Budden’s “Pump It Up.” Giving your phone number to a scary stranger.