REVIEW: Subway Chicken Pizziola

Ah…Subway, the only chain restaurant publicly endorsed by a formerly fat guy. I especially love their new marketing gimmick advertising the $5 footlong where everyone shows five fingers and then parts their hands about a foot apart. But I think that we all know what that “foot long” really represents: the male wang. And is it mere coincidence that the average wang is around 5 inches? I think not and I’m damn proud to say I have an average phallus. But you didn’t come here to hear me rant about male phallus conspiracies or penis euphemisms.

The Subway Chicken Pizziola sub supposedly fuses the awesome powers of chicken and pizza flavors. Of course, when you consider that Subway uses bland chicken and isn’t a pizza shop whatsoever, well, expectations fall flatter than a flaccid wang. It also doesn’t help that the full 12 inches is packing enough salt to kill a platoon of tough snails and has 32 grams of fat, which is probably why Jared isn’t anywhere near this sandwich. God bless his tiny little khakis.

This toasted sandwich comes standard with one of their breads, chicken, pepperoni slices, a cheese, and a marinara sauce as well as any extra toppings. I had mine outfitted with black olives, green peppers, and red onions. The marinara sauce was a little too sweet and overpowering, dominating the bland chicken and weak pepperoni slices. The fact that its papery condom came with red oily streaks is also a bit of a downer. Still, the bread was decent (certainly better than the kind that comes with a twisty tie or a plastic toe tag) and retained its toasty crunch after a short transport from the Subway to my cubicle at work. The veggie add-ons also provided some crunch and kept some of their flavor, thanks to the cheese’s protective barrier. It also helps that this sandwich is big enough to silence a hungry sex machine with a real footlong and it’s only five bucks before taxes.

The Subway Chicken Pizziola is not a bad sandwich, but certainly not a good one either. I think I’ll stick with their chicken bacon ranch footlong as my default Subway sandwich for the time being, even if it’s packing enough fat to shrink my wang into the folds of my flesh.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 footlong – 880 calories, 32 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 160 milligrams of cholesterol, 3040 milligrams of sodium, 96 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugar, and 61 grams of protein.)

Item: Subway Chicken Pizziola
Price: $5.30
Size: Footlong
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Big enough to satisfy a hungry sex machine. Being proud of having an average “footlong” Penis euphemisms. The awesome powers of pizza and chicken, tiny khakis, and sex machines. $5.
Cons: Male phallus conspiracies. Overpowering sweet tomato sauce. Bland chicken. Weak pepperoni. 3,040 milligrams of sodium. Flaccid and shrinking wangs.

REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Guacamole Bacon Burger

When I looked at the Carl’s Jr. Guacamole Bacon Burger, which consisted of a beef patty, guacamole, two strips of bacon, melted pepper jack cheese, red onions, tomatoes, and lettuce on a toasted sesame seed bun, it reminded of three things: my hardening arteries, the movie Ghostbusters, and Christmas.

This avocado lovin’ burger reminded me of the movie Ghostbusters because the guacamole is the same color as the ectoplasmic goo that made up the green gluttonous ghost, Slimer, and just like the ectoplasmic goo, the guacamole is messy and ends up everywhere. The Guacamole Bacon Burger also reminded me of Christmas because of its excessive use of red and green ingredients. It was like walking through the Christmas decoration aisles at Wal-Mart. The red strips of bacon were like red strips of ribbon, the leaves of green lettuce were like leaves of green wrapping paper, the red onions were like the red tinsel wrapped around the a Christmas tree, and the green guacamole was like the puke from Santa’s overworked, sweatshop elves.

Although the burger did remind me that there are only a little more than ten weeks until Christmas and it used an excessive amount of holiday colors that made me wish I was colorblind, it was one of the tastiest burgers I’ve had in a while and if the Grinch tries to steal it from me, not even Dr. Seuss will be able to save his ass from the beating I would give him. The burger was quite tasty, thanks to the guacamole, which wasn’t too avocado-y and didn’t overpower the other ingredients, like Kim Kardashian’s ass does to other riders in an elevator. The green topping also surprisingly brought a little heat to the burger. The strips of bacon were decent-sized and had a smoky flavor that complemented well with everything else.

The only major thing I didn’t like about the Carl’s Jr. Guacamole Bacon Burger was that there were too many cold ingredients in it. The patty was well cooked, but the vegetables and the guacamole brought down the overall temperature of the burger, which was kind of weird when you’re expecting a hot sandwich.

Beyond its taste, what I also liked about this burger was Carl’s Jr.’s willingness to add ingredients that other fast food places wouldn’t have the balls…I mean, cojones to use. They’ve added a pineapple to their Teriyaki Burger and I think they were the first ones to add jalapeno peppers to a burger.

I just hope the next burger they try to make will remind me of Halloween, perhaps orange tomatoes, black mushrooms, and purple eggplant?

Get on it, Carl’s Jr!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – 850 calories, 55 g of fat, 16 g of saturated fat, 105 mg of cholesterol, 1430 mg of sodium, 55 g of carbohydrates, 10 g sugar, 4 g dietary fiber, and 32 g of protein)

Item: Carl’s Jr. Guacamole Bacon Burger
Price: $3.59
Size: Single
Purchased at: Carl’s Jr.
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Really tasty. Guacamole added a nice flavor and some heat to the burger. Guacamole didn’t overpower the other ingredients. Carl’s Jr. having the balls to use ingredients that other won’t. The movie Ghostbusters.
Cons: Too many cold ingredients brought down overall temperature of burger. Guacamole makes the burger extremely messy. Excessive use of Christmas colors. Great source of sodium. Great source of saturated fat.

Del Taco Crispy Jalapeno Rings

“Why would we fry a jalapeno?”

That was the response I got from the first Del Taco I went to. And it pretty much sums the crazy world of the fast food arms race that we live in. It took me four Del Taco’s and a gallon of gas before I finally arrived at a location that sold these mysterious treats. The Del Taco’s that don’t sell these looked at me like I was either insane or pulling a stupid prank. The Del Taco that did sell these things pimped them out like Christmas had come early. They are red and green, I suppose.

After realizing that I put far too much time and effort into finding something that most stoners have already made at home, I was finally able to try one of these crispy rings. My first mistake was popping one in my mouth while I was driving back home. Not only did the oil scorch my soft palate, but the combination of heat and fat managed to squeeze through my blood within a matter of seconds. I clutched at my heart as I felt a sharp sting run through my chest, nearly barreling off the road.

Don’t eat these while you’re driving.

I somehow made it home and opened the bag to find a meager box of deep-fried jalapeno slices that looked pretty sad and lonely in there. I looked through the rest of the bag incredulously, wondering why I paid $1.79 for what amounts to three jalapenos and a tablespoon of flour and water. I eventually got over it and ate a few more pieces before my body forced me to stop. The slices have been pickled, so you’ll get some moisture once you bite past the crispy-as-advertised outer batter. Other than that, they’re just fried jalapenos that will almost certainly give you nausea or a stomachache if you eat the whole thing.

I should note that it comes with what is advertised as a white “secret sauce” that looks and tastes just like Trader Joe’s tahini sauce. That is to say, it pretty much tastes like watered down yogurt. I would tell you what it tastes like with some ranch dipping sauce, but Del Taco doesn’t have that and basically shut me down when I asked. Bastards!

Stick with jalapeno poppers for now. They might not come in festive colors, but at least you’ll have some cream cheese to cheer your up.

Item: Del Taco Crispy Jalapeno Rings
Price: $1.79
Purchased at: Del Taco
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Batter stays extremely crispy for a while. Jalapeno slices are plenty spicy. Comes in two colors.
Cons: Pricey for the amount you get. Special sauce does not taste very special. The feeling inside of your body after consuming deep fried jalapenos.

REVIEW: McCafe Tuxedo Brownie

The idea of getting a fancy pastry from McDonald’s is like getting your entertainment from MTV, it’s best to have low expectations because of its source, which should’ve stuck to their roots instead of branching out into other areas.

The Golden Arches has been trying to take advantage of Starbucks’ popularity by introducing in some of their McDonald’s restaurants the McCafe, which offers coffees, coffee drinks, fruit smoothies, and pastries, like the McCafe Tuxedo Brownie.

Just like all Mike Myers’ films after “So I Married An Axe Murderer,” I had low expectations for the McCafe Tuxedo Brownie, which consisted of a fudge top, a chewy brownie middle, and a crunchy bottom that seemed to consist of Oreo crumbs and white chocolate.

It reminded me of something I would find in Chili’s or Applebees, except without the obligatory scoop of vanilla ice cream and the boring restaurant decor. The design on top of the Tuxedo Brownie looked like cappuccino art and brought back memories from those times I spent trying to perfect my curly brackets in trigonometry class.

The box it came in was significantly bigger than the pastry itself and it also came in a fancy schmancy McCafe brown paper bag with paper handles, which will be recycled and used as a gift bag filled with dog poop, set on fire, and given to someone I don’t like.

You know who you are.

The Tuxedo Brownie was as dense as the words that come out of Spencer Pratt’s mouth whenever he opens it. As a matter of fact, it was so dense that I couldn’t eat the whole thing in one sitting, but that denseness made it chewy, which is just how I like my brownies.

Unfortunately, it didn’t really taste like a brownie because the fudge top overpowered the rest of it. Overall, it was good, which surprised the hell out of me, although I could probably do a better job with some fudge, brownie mix, chocolate chips, macadamia nuts, an Iron Chef, and a degree from a half-decent French culinary school.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Kylie for recommending the McCafe pastries for review. I think I still feel it in my gut.)

Item: McCafe Tuxedo Brownie
Price: $2.75
Purchased at: McDonald’s McCafe
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good. Chewy. Seems inexpensive. Looks fancy. Comes in a fancy schmancy brown paper bag with handles. “So I Married An Axe Murderer.” MTV when they played music videos.
Cons: Doesn’t really taste like a brownie. Denseness may turn off some. Comes in huge box. Not available at all McDonald’s. Unknown nutrition facts. Spencer Pratt. Trigonometry. MTV today.

REVIEW: IHOP Who-Cakes

At a table in the back is a parent who doesn’t care.
Their child is giving them their spoiled glare.
They whine and swear about how it’s not fair.
“I WANT WHO-CAKES!” is what they blare.
Others in the restaurant hear it, then stop and stare.
So the parent orders IHOP Who-Cakes out of despair.

The impatient kid slams the utensils in a hissy fit.
I mutter a little whit, “Fucking spoiled little shit.”
Loud brat has me thinking vasectomy, I will admit.
This child’s parent is unfit, just like that bitch Brit.
When the Who-Cakes came, I thought it’ll quiet for a bit.
But that little annoying bundle of hell wouldn’t quit.

The Who-Cakes are something no child should eat.
The frosting colors seem unnatural and sweet.
It’s like a volcano spewing M&M’s and clown excrete.
I won’t consider it a meal on its own, it’s more like a treat.
I know having one could make diabetes and me meet.
So I pray for the best, order the Who-Cakes and feel replete.

I can’t believe these IHOP Who-Cakes is what I crave.
There are so many things about it that makes me afraid.
Blue and pink berry frosting made to look like a cascade.
A pink lollipop stabbed through, so no pancake strayed.
Because of this, Dr. Seuss’ body is rolling in its grave.
It also did that after the Cat in the Hat movie was made.

I only ate half of the IHOP Who-Cakes on the plate.
There wasn’t enough of the frosting on it to regulate.
It tasted like pancakes with blueberries that were fake.
M&M’s in breakfast food seems weird to partake.
The bubblegum flavored lollipop was its best trait.
The sugar in this dish will probably add some weight.

Even the noisy, spoiled little punk couldn’t eat it through.
Fortunately, overdosing on sugar caused him to be subdue.
This mountain of hot cakes and candy isn’t worth it to pursue.
I can’t believe IHOP had a movie tie-in for Horton Hears A Who.
Thankfully, once the movie stops playing we will bid it adieu.
So until then, please consider making the Who-Cakes taboo.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Caroline for suggesting the IHOP Who-Cakes and subjecting me to children who were like little bundles of joy, if joy were a swift kick to the head.)

Item: IHOP Who-Cakes
Price: $4.99
Purchased at: IHOP
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Bubblegum flavored lollipop. NKOTB reunion.
Cons: Tastes like artificial blueberry pancakes when eating with unnatural colored frosting. Not a complete breakfast. Not enough frosting crap on it. Candy + pancakes = possible diabetes. Frosting colors don’t occur in nature. No nutritional facts on website.