REVIEW: Fiber One 80 Calories Honey Squares Cereal

Fiber One 80 Calories Honey Squares

Eating high-fiber cereal has turned me into a cranky old lady. I’m not a fan of Fiber One cereal as a brand, so I wasn’t exactly excited to try this new variety, Fiber One 80 Calories Honey Squares. To be frank, this breakfast item’s only drawing power is the fact that it’s 80 calories per serving. So now it helps you shit and keeps you fit. We are indeed living in a golden age.

The problem I have with this brand is simple: Contrary to the ads, I can actually taste the fiber in Fiber One cereals. With this particular version, I had taken my cue from the appearance of the little cereal squares and was expecting something more along the lines of Golden Grahams, but alas, it was healthier than that. Much, much healthier. Which means not as delicious.

Fiber One 80 Calories Honey Squares may slightly mimic the flavor of Golden Grahams in much smaller-sized pieces, however, it looks a lot better than it tastes. The texture is grainy, bordering on cardboard. However, there is a light sweetness that almost rescues it from the depths of blandness. But what did I expect? It says right on the box that each serving contains 40 percent of your daily value of fiber. They ain’t Frosted Flakes.

I shouldn’t complain. Eating hearty, fiber-rich cereal will prolong my life, but dagnabbit, I really don’t care for the weird after-taste. It seriously ruins the experience. The more I chomp on each crunchy piece, the faster the sweetness evaporates, and I’m left with a mouthful of flavorless ground-up wheat particles. Ugh. Not to mention the other thing this cereal does. You know what I’m talking about. I’ll just say this — If you need that much help eliminating waste from your body, you have some serious problems that no amount of eensy-weensy golden fiber squares will fix on their own. Just… go take a freaking walk or something every now and then. Drink some water and eat a goddamn vegetable. Sorry, poop talk also brings out the grouch in me.

Fiber One 80 Calories Honey Squares Bowl

Which brings me to another point… Is there truly a need for Fiber One cereal that’s under 80 calories? I mean, you certainly can’t eat more than one serving of the original kind, and this leaner version is no different. You won’t get away with packing away half the box in one sitting. Try eating more than one serving of this cereal and see how long you can go before you’re doubled over with stomach cramps as the 10+ grams of fiber scour their way through your intestinal tract, leaving everything in their wake as clean as a whistle.

Fun times. In the john. On the bright side, you’re certain to feel much lighter. Wheee! Dieting is so easy! Now get off my lawn.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup – 80 calories, 5 calories from fat, 1 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams polyunsaturated fat, 70 milligrams of potassium, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 10 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 1 grams of protein, 40% calcium, 25% iron, and lots of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Fiber One 80 Calories Honey Squares Cereal
Price: $2.99 (on sale)
Size: 11.75 ounces
Purchased at: Pavilions
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Chock-full of fiber. Shaped liked fun mini squares. Only 80 calories per serving. Slightly sweet with Golden Grahams-like flavor.
Cons: Cardboard-like texture. Cannot (and must not) capitalize on its low number of calories by eating more of it. Not as delicious as Golden Grahams. Cranky old ladies. Good for weight loss, but the first pounds you drop may be in the can.

REVIEW: Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch

Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch

I thought the new Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch was going to be this generation’s Post Oreo O’s.

Not familiar with the discontinued Post Oreo O’s because you’re too young to remember or you avoid all things awesome? Well let’s just say Post created an Oreo-branded cereal that really didn’t taste like Oreo cookies but was still so damn good that I wish I owned a DeLorean with a flux capacitor so that I could go back in time, fill said DeLorean with boxes of Post Oreo O’s, and then spend the next couple of weeks in a sugar-induced comatose.

If you’re too lazy to do a Google Image search to see what this cereal among cereals looks like, I’ll describe it to you.

Imagine an O-shaped cereal, like Apple Jacks. Now remove the red cinnamon spots on the cereal and replace it with a whole lot of white sugary spots that’ll make it look like it was in the spittle range of someone who sneezed on a pile cocaine. Next, replace the green or orange color of the Apple Jacks cereal with black. Yes, the color of death (and Oreo cookies). However, in this case it’s the color of chocolatey deliciousness.

Yes, I just spent the first 200 words of this Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch review describing another cereal. But I brought up Post Oreo O’s because the high expectations I had for that heavenly cereal are the same I had for this cereal. Seriously. Think about it. Doesn’t Oreo cereal sound like one of the greatest ideas for a cereal? If you’re saying no, you’re lying to yourself and your sweet tooth. Now, doesn’t Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch also sound like one of the greatest ideas for a cereal? Cocoa Puffs PLUS brownies!?! The name alone makes me go a little cuckoo.

Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch may sound like one of the greatest ideas for a cereal, but, sadly, it’s far from a great cereal.

Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch Naked

What disappoints me the most is that, despite being a cereal that appears to be different than regular Cocoa Puffs, Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch tastes like regular Cocoa Puffs. Actually, it starts off kind of tasting like Cookie Crisp and then ends up tasting like Cocoa Puffs, but that’s still disappointing. It makes me want to stuff Sonny the Cuckoo Bird into an oven and have him as part of my complete breakfast.

Also, speaking of Cookie Crisp, the pieces of Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch with their tiny bits of chocolate attached to them look like the burnt square rejects from the Cookie Crisp factory.

There were only two things about this cereal that impressed me. It did take awhile for it to get soggy in milk and if you leave the cereal wading in milk long enough, it does turn the milk chocolatey. Although, it’s kind of scary it stays crunchy in milk for as long as it does because it makes me wonder what’s keeping it from getting soggy.

Now if you go read the reviews of this cereal on mommy blogs, every single one of them will say that they and their kids enjoyed it. But if the children of those mommy bloggers could taste what my taste buds experienced with Post Oreo O’s, they would push away their Dora the Explorer or Ben 10 bowls filled with Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch cereal and demand for something better.

Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch isn’t a horrible tasting cereal. It tastes like Cocoa Puffs, which I enjoy, but it shouldn’t taste like Cocoa Puffs. If General Mills can get their hands on a DeLorean with a flux capacitor they should go back to the year 2000 to pick up a box of Post Oreo O’s, then go forward in time to 2010 when they were developing Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch and use the cereal from the past as the flavor template for their future Cocoa Puffs spinoff cereal.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup (cereal only) – 110 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 130 milligrams of sodium, 80 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 11 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch
Price: $3.49
Size: 12.2 ounces
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Stays crunchy in milk. Turns milk chocolatey. Fortified with vitamins and minerals. Post Oreo O’s. The Back to the Future trilogy.
Cons: Tastes like Cocoa Puffs, which it shouldn’t. Doesn’t come close to tasting like brownies. Looks like burnt square rejects from a Cookie Crisp factory. No longer having Post Oreo O’s.

REVIEW: Cinnamon Burst Cheerios

Cinnamon Burst Cheerios

I think I’m psychic.

I feel like the Miss Cleo of predicting new products because I envisioned in my sleep the new Cinnamon Burst Cheerios. Actually, to be honest, I foresaw a cinnamon-flavored Cheerios called Cinnamon Charged Cheerios, but I’m close enough. Even the greatest psychics can’t get every detail right.

I’m not exactly sure how it happened, but I think because I’ve been reviewing foods that I shouldn’t be eating for so long that, perhaps, my brain is now wired to accurately predict new products. If only Las Vegas, an offshore gambling website or an underground gambling operation in Chinatown had odds on which new Pop-Tarts flavors Kellogg’s will be released next, then I could profit from my ability. By the way, I predict the new flavors will be pomegranate, coffee or Neapolitan Ice Cream.

Or maybe I have The Force. Or maybe the folks at General Mills are scanning my brain at night for ideas via my WiFi wireless router and ripped the idea from the mind.

ARRRGH! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! TAKE MY IDEAS FOR FRUITY CHEX CEREAL, CHOCOLATE KIX, AND HUNGARIAN HAMBURGER HELPER, AND JUST LEAVE MY HEAD! BUT PLEASE LEAVE THE SEXY IMAGES OF HELEN MIRREN IN A MRS. CLAUS SUIT.

Speaking of icons that have been around since the mid-1940s and are covered in something red, the Cinnamon Burst Cheerios give me another option that keeps me from eating plain Cheerios to help me lower my cholesterol, which, by the way, has made my tongue weep every time I’ve eaten it.

Cinnamon Burst Cheerios Closeup

Cinnamon Burst Cheerios is flavored with real cinnamon that’s been baked into each piece of cereal. The cinnamon flavor is noticeable, but just like other flavored Cheerios it’s not sweet enough to have it mistaken for a cereal that’s meant for eight-year-olds who hold their spoon as though they’re gonna stab someone with it. So I don’t know whether I would call the amount it contains a “burst.”

On a scale of 1-10, with one being the cinnamon that falls from Isla Fisher’s red hair whenever she scratches her cute head and ten being the spoonful of cinnamon used to attempt spoonful of cinnamon challenges, the Cinnamon Burst Cheerios would be a four. If this cereal has a burst of cinnamon, then I wonder what the more cinnamon-y Cinnamon Toast Crunch has? An inundation of cinnamon? An overload of cinnamon? Double D’s of cinnamon?

When eaten sans milk, Cinnamon Burst Cheerios makes for a tasty, crunchy snack. When eaten avec milk, the cinnamon flavor holds up and it becomes a delicious part of a complete breakfast, an appetizing part of an I-don’t-really-give-a-shit lunch or a pathetic part of a depressing dinner alone. If you’re eating it as part of a sad dinner alone, you should know that some of the cinnamon ends up floating in the milk, so when you’re left with just the milk to slurp up…CINNAMON BONUS!

High five!

If you’re tired of regular Cheerios, Honey Nut Cheerios, MulitGrain Cheerios, Banana Nut Cheerios, Chocolate Cheerios, Berry Burst Cheerios, Frosted Cheerios, Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, Fruity Cheerios, and Yogurt Burst Cheerios, Cinnamon Burst Cheerios is a worthy replacement for any of them.

And, in the future, you’ll be able to add Peanut Butter Cheerios to the list.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 110 calories, 2 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 65 milligrams of potassium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 13 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Cinnamon Burst Cheerios
Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Good, mild cinnamon flavor. Great with or without milk. Stays crunchy in milk for a good amount of time. My ability to predict new products. Worthy replacement for any other Cheerios flavor. CINNAMON BONUS! I learned a new French word.
Cons: Not sure if I would call the amount of cinnamon it has a burst. No gambling odds for new Pop-Tarts flavors. Would make for a pathetic part of a depressing dinner. Attempting spoonful of cinnamon challenges.

REVIEW: Chocolate Cheerios

Are you a young homie trying to impress a young hottie?

Pushing her to the ground or teasing her are first grade tactics and ain’t going to work. I’ve got a third grade solution for you — necklaces.

You know they work because you’ve seen your daddy give your mommy necklaces all the time. He purchases one for Valentine’s Day, their wedding anniversary and after they end up on either Maury and Cheaters. Now you can’t afford the necklaces your daddy buys your mommy because you don’t have an allowance, which probably happened because your daddy buys so many necklaces. So I’m gonna teach all you young homies a cheap way to make your own necklace using the new Chocolate Cheerios.

Why Chocolate Cheerios and not the regular stuff or Honey Nut Cheerios? Well I think it’s one of the better tasting and sweeter Cheerios varieties and using the other stuff will make you look cheap. Also, if you use the good stuff, you can use the line, “I want to give something sweet to someone sweet.” I guarantee that line will get her to share her applesauce with you in the school cafeteria. You can’t pull that shit off with regular bland Cheerios or the not as sweet Honey Nut Cheerios.

In order to make the necklace, you’re going to need a bowl of Chocolate Cheerios and about two feet of thread. If you don’t know how long two feet is, ask your mommy or daddy to cut the piece of thread for you. If your mommy and daddy are having make up sex after he gave her a necklace, use the Chocolate Cheerios box to measure the length since it’s about one foot high.

Try to clean the table before you start, but if you can’t, don’t worry about it since you won’t be eating the cereal anyway. Lay the string on a table and start adding Cheerios to it. Alternate the different colors and she’ll know you put some thought into it. Once you’ve covered the entire string with Chocolate Cheerios, tie the two ends together and you’re done. Pour yourself a bowl of Chocolate Cheerios to celebrate, or if your parents are having make up sex, to feed yourself because they’ll be awhile.

Chocolate Cheerios isn’t quite as sweet as chocolate-flavored children’s cereals, but it does have a decent level of chocolate flavor, thanks to the fact that it’s made with real cocoa. Actually, its chocolatey-ness is exactly where I expected it to be since it’s a health conscious Cheerios product. But if it were any sweeter, I’d expect to see a cartoon character printed on the front of the box, some kind of puzzle on the back and it would be popular with 35-year-old virgins who live in their parents’ basements. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it, but I was more surprised by the chocolatey milk that was left after eating the cereal, which tasted like something that only Cocoa Puffs could leave behind. I have to say that Chocolate Cheerios is my favorite Cheerios variety.

If the young hottie rejects you, but keeps the necklace, an 11.25 ounce box of Chocolate Cheerios can easily make several necklaces, as long as you don’t eat the entire box within three days like I have. If you need another line when you present it to the next hottie, you can use, “I got a neck-lace for your pretty face.”

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup without milk – 100 calories, 1 gram of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 60 milligrams of potassium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 13 grams of other carbohydrates, 1 gram of protein and a bevy of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Chocolate Cheerios
Price: $3.99
Size: 11.25 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: The best tasting variety of Cheerios. Made with real cocoa. Creates a chocolatey milk. Makes a nice necklace to impress a hottie. Fortified with vitamins and minerals. Made with whole grains. 100 calories per serving. May reduce the risk of heart disease, unless you eat it with lard.
Cons: Needs to come in a bigger box. Only 1 gram of dietary fiber. Pushing or teasing a hottie to get her attention. Ending up on Maury or Cheaters.

REVIEW: Fruity Cheerios

Cheerios are enjoyed by so many people and I think the reason why Cheerios are beloved is because there are so many varieties. Just like 24-hour news networks, reality shows, and crazy publicly drunk celebrities to hate, there’s a type of Cheerios for everyone.

The varieties include, Honey Nut Cheerios, Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, Multi-Grain Cheerios, Frosted Cheerios, Berry Burst Cheerios, and Yogurt Burst Cheerios.

Because of all these varieties, Cheerios are adored by children, parents, firefighters, police officers, clowns, stoners, account executives, pimps, college students, financial planners, dog trainers, Oprah audience members, Buddhists, professional lacrosse players, telemarketers, the people who rip your ticket when you enter the movie theater, World of Warcraft players, Bittorrent seeders, fluffers, flight attendants, Hookah bar patrons, bums, street performers, towel boys, and shopping cart retrievers.

The love of Cheerios spreads out to Disneyland employees who wear costumes, backseat drivers, sanitation workers, volunteer art class nude models, NASCAR pit crew window cleaners, daytime strippers, spa treatment hair removal waxers, mechanical engineers, indie band drummers, MAC Cosmetics salespeople, Dungeon Masters, coupon clippers, starving people, Felix the Cat, AOL members, porta-pottie cleaners, big rig drivers, Olympic synchronized swimmer alternates, old folks who greet you at the Wal-Mart entrance, internet porn downloaders, 40-something year old pizza delivery guys, quasi-product review blog editors, crossword puzzle creators, dysfunctional former child stars, Colombian drug traffickers, astronauts, reality show contestant losers, loan defaulters, hip-hop artist entourage members, National Spelling Bee incorrect spellers, old school Reebok Pump wearers, and professional nose hair trimmers.

Despite the numerous groups of people who like Cheerios, there has been a small minority group that has been ignored by Cheerios…zombies. That’s right, the living dead hasn’t liked any of the previous incarnations of Cheerios, but thanks to the new Fruity Cheerios it appears there’s a Cheerios out there that appeals to zombies.

No wonder zombies went around killing people and eating their brains and raw flesh. They didn’t have a Cheerios to call their own.

If you don’t believe that zombies like Fruity Cheerios, check out the back of the Fruity Cheerios box, zombie hater. On the back of the box is one happy zombie, with its yellow skin and white pupils. Believe me, I’ve played enough Resident Evil to know what zombies look like, and that my friends is a zombie on the back of the box.

Who knew that Fruity Cheerios would have the power to turn a bloodthirsty zombie into a happy, smiling zombie? But then again, after trying Fruity Cheerios, I can kind of understand why zombies are happy. It’s not as sweet as Fruity Pebbles or Froot Loops, but Fruity Cheerios is pretty good, thanks to the fact that it’s flavored with real fruit juice.

The colors of Fruity Cheerios were pleasant and bright, and powerful enough to turn the cold, empty heart of a zombie into a heart filled with love, compassion, and twelve essential vitamins and minerals.

I hope they don’t get rid of Fruity Cheerios, because I’m not going to be the one to explain it to the zombies.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Tony, Meredith, and all the people who suggested I try Fruity Cheerios. Now I’m going to go kill some zombies with fire so they don’t eat all the Fruity Cheerios.)

Item: Fruity Cheerios
Price: $4.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Loved by zombies, which prevents them from eating human flesh. Good fruity taste. Nice color. Flavored with real fruit juice. Less sugar than leading fruity cereal. 12 essential vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Not as sweet as Fruity Pebbles or Froot Loops. Pissing off zombies if Fruity Cheerios are discontinued.