You know how when you feel shitty and you want to get yourself in the fetal position, put on something starring Ryan Gosling and cradle a carton of ice cream? That’s not me. In fact, I kind of find ice cream boring. Don’t get me wrong, I love the occasional soft serve vanilla (with rainbow sprinkles) or spumoni, but ice cream just normally doesn’t do it for me. To be honest if I am feeling a bit down, the idea of planting myself on the couch and eating ice cream sounds dreadful and suffocating.

However, like all things in life, the universe and everything…there is always an exception. How else to explain that Jesus Jones still has a recording contract? Two men who are probably the Antichrist (or at least Gozer and Vigo from Ghostbusters) are Ben and Jerry. You see I cannot help myself when it comes to their ice creams.

I have to say most of their flavors are consistently good. I have eaten their tried and beloved ones like Cherry Garcia to some oddball varieties like Late Night Snack. I cannot think of one I really disliked except Boston Cream Pie, but that’s totally my fault. I don’t like Boston cream pie but for some sadomasochistic reason I bought it.

It is an understatement to explain how ecstatic I was when I found Ben & Jerry’s Limited Batch Pumpkin Cheesecake flavor. Where were you during the sullen holidays? It doesn’t matter. I grabbed one of the few remaining pints and ran to the checkout lane. I haven’t been this excited since I found out my wife may be deported.

Brushing off the frost that has collected, I smiled to no one in particular and let it sit out exactly twelve minutes. These scant minutes will allow the ice cream to have the perfect consistency where it should slightly give as the spoon cuts into it smoothly. When that buttery richness slowly goes down your throat, it is ninth level of bliss. The only thing I can compare this to is a longing kiss from someone you love who is NOT a mail order bride, the first sip of a cold and floral gin martini or looting that ubersword with 1,500,003 hit points in Diablo II. It is obvious that my expectation for Ben & Jerry’s are set very high.

I am happy to say that Pumpkin Cheesecake exceeds it enough where I want to eat the whole pint. Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream comes complete with swirls of graham crackers. Ben & Jerry, as usual do a great job of incorporating all of its ingredients. Each spoonful is a harmonious symphony of all its flavors to recreate the taste of eating a pumpkin cheesecake.

Immediately, the taste of slight cinnamon from the graham cracker crumbles makes its presence. The texture is so pleasant since the “crust” is actually a fine powder. This mixes very well with the rich cream. The graham crackers hit your taste buds hard but leave immediately like a shank to your back for not sharing your toilet bowl moonshine.

Here is what Ben & Jerry’s does so well. The cinnamon flavor quickly fades off into the rich and creamy taste of the pumpkin cheesecake. The flavors are so thoughtful. You taste the pumpkin pie before the recognizable taste of cheesecake takes over and finally sends you off to another spoonful. The ice cream itself is dense, creamy and buttery but I wouldn’t expect otherwise. It’s like a well-choreographed burlesque show, sure there’s boobies but you’re captivated by the music as well as the dance.

The ingredients, as always, are of high quality. The great thing about the cheesecake is it doesn’t have that off-putting cream cheese taste some cheesecakes are prone to have. That’s a sign of quality cheesecake and only emphasizes that this ice cream, while is sweet can also be a bit savory. You can just feel the pounds adding on that will later be filled with remorse as you weigh yourself. But wasn’t it worth it? Hell yes, sweat pants are cheap anyhow.

My only complaint is the pumpkin taste could be more intense. I felt that the cheesecake part sometimes would override the pumpkin depending on my spoonful but that is a minor quibble. Ben & Jerry are very good at balancing flavor with that seductive texture we all love about ice cream. This limited batch is no exception.

So on a shit day when everything goes wrong, would I find myself on the couch burying myself with ice cream and Ryan Gosling? No, unless you have Blue Valentine or Drive playing. However, I probably would still find myself clutching a glass of cognac while unfurling the West Elm or Pottery Barn catalogs to wind down, but Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream would come in at a close second.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 290 calories, 13 grams of total fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 25 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein)

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Limited Batch Pumpkin Cheesecake Ice Cream
Price: $3.59
Size: One pint
Purchased at: Publix Supermarket (the one where there’s a Publix liquor shop next to it so I can buy pork rinds and rum in one shopping trip.)
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Even the most petulant towards ice cream may smile at this one. It is buttery, creamy, dense and seductive. The texture is as good as the flavor. Jesus Jones was ahead of its time in the nineties, especially the Perverse album. The ice cream is exactly what you expect it to taste like, freakin’ Pumpkin Cheesecake! Ryan Gosling’s Drive (and I admit Crazy Stupid Love).
Cons: This is a limited Batch and being after the holidays, it may even more difficult to hunt down. The pumpkin flavor could be a bit stronger. Jesus Jones hasn’t aged well today but you cannot deny wanting to sing along to “International Bright Young Thing.” Ryan Gosling’s The Notebook, I laugh uncontrollably during the dementia scenes which makes me an asshole.

Hi, everyone.  I’m Drew, and you’re reading The Impulsive Buy.  Well, the holiday season is almost here, and if you’re not an avid Delicious Dish listener like me, you may have missed this tidbit: frequent guest Pete Schweddy has sold his Season’s Eatings bakery to ice cream chain Ben & Jerry’s.  This is good news for consumers nationwide who have long dreamed of enjoying those famous balls, but were prevented by distance from doing so.  Thankfully B&J’s didn’t leave us hanging, developing a new flavor that Mr. Schweddy has repeatedly expressed a desire to dip his balls into.  And now it’s finally ready to be thrust upon the general public.
 
Even so, don’t think it was easy.  Schweddy Balls was released over a month ago, but it proved surprisingly hard to find.  I had to visit a lot of places, some less savory than others; but finally my persistence paid off and I was able to get my hands on Schweddy Balls.  Let’s give it a once-over, shall we?

The first thing that jumps out at you about Schweddy Balls is the color — very, very white, with just a few visible black spots that might concern you at first.  No worries though, as closer inspection reveals them to be malt balls and fudge-covered rum balls.  Yes, that’s right: B&J’s subscribes to the notion that if one ball is good, two are clearly better. The texture, as you’d expect, is quite different between the two varieties.  The rum ones, though lent some firmness by the fudge, are still fairly soft and squishy.  In contrast, the malt balls are quite hard and (be warned) make a loud noise when chewed.  No lie, my wife was actively annoyed by how loudly I was crunching my balls next to her.
 

Noise aside, both kinds of balls are pleasing to the tongue, the fudge and rum melding into a nice richness and the malt balls being… well, basically just regular malt balls.  They’re smaller than you might’ve expected, perhaps due to the cold.  In addition, they’re spread quite liberally throughout the mixture, so if you were worried about there not being enough balls to go around, think again.
 
The other thing you’ll notice right away about Schweddy Balls is the smell — if you put your nose right up there, you can really detect the rum fragrance.  Unfortunately, that also leads me to the biggest problem: the aroma is far stronger than the taste.  Perhaps in fear of overwhelming their audience, B&J’s made the hint of rum much less than a hint.  It’s barely detectable on its own, so you’re essentially just eating vanilla ice cream with balls in it.  Plentiful balls, to be sure, but not so much so that you’ll have one in every bite.  Probably half of your spoonfuls will just be vanilla ice cream; and while B&J’s know how to make a decent vanilla, it still could’ve benefited from a fudge swirl or something to keep things interesting.  You have to feel bad for Pete Schweddy, with the entire weight of the dish resting on his balls.
 
I’d be remiss if I didn’t briefly mention the durability of Schweddy Balls.  This may be a non-factor for most of you, but I purchased a carton on my lunch break, stored it in the work freezer, and then took a 40-minute car ride to a van rental place, a 10-minute wait, a 5-minute drive to a furniture store, 10 minutes of loading a table and chairs into the van, and a 5-minute drive to my house before it saw the inside of a freezer again.  Yet when I opened the carton the next day, there were no signs it had melted even a little.  Give them credit, those balls held up remarkably well.
 
I really wanted to give this flavor a higher score, because of both the salacious name and those panties-in-a-bunch parent groups protesting it being in stores while their kids are home viewing the original sketch on Hulu.  But while I’d love to tell you there’s no beating these balls, that’s just not true — they can be beaten, and beaten soundly, by many of B&J’s other flavors.  Weighted against average, everyday ice cream, this holds up pretty well.  But we’ve come to expect a lot more from those gentlemen from Vermont, and unfortunately their Schweddy Balls just don’t quite measure up.  It’s not terrible, but with the exception of the titular item, is just somewhat underwhelming.
 
Mmmm, balls!

(Nutrition Facts — 1/2 cup — 270 calories, 140 calories from fat, 15 grams of total fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of total carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 26 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Other Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls reviews:
Junk Food Guy
Foodette Reviews
On Second Scoop

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls
Price: $3.39
Size: 1 pint
Purchased at: Wegman’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Obscure “The State” references FTW.  The longer you search for Schweddy Balls, the more satisfying it is when you find it.  Carton references the “racy double entendres” of the original skit.  Plenty of balls to go around.  Plaid logo = nice little touch.  Rum/fudge balls are succulent and rich.  I got paid money to make fifty ball jokes — deal with it.
Cons: Malt balls make loud, annoying sound when chewed.  Kind of bland when you don’t get a ball in your mouth.  Doesn’t 26 grams of sugar just mean they dumped an entire jar of sugar in the carton?  Missed opportunity for “Waffle Coneheads” and “Chocolate Chip in a Box” cross-promotions.  Rum scent more powerful than rum flavor.  Ball jokes stopped being funny after the first three.