Trojan Elexa

I have never wanted a clitoris before, but ever since I got these Trojan Elexa products, I wish I could grow one.

The new Trojan Elexa line was created from a woman’s perspective, thankfully not from the perspective of Angelina Jolie, because while the condoms would’ve prevent unwanted pregnancies, they might have caused excessive adoptions and many adopted kids with mohawks.

When I received the box of Elexa products, from Impulsive Buy reader Robert, I was surprised to see more than condoms. There was also a box of Intimacy Gel, Freshening Cloths, and a Vibrating Ring.

The first thing I decided to test was the condoms. I received three varieties: Natural Feel, Stimulating, and Ultra Sensitive. They all looked like normal condoms, but the Natural Feel condoms has a premium water-based lubricant that works with a woman’s natural lubrication, the Stimulating condoms are ribbed and contoured, and the Ultra Sensitive condoms are ultra thin.

Without a girlfriend or enough money to buy a girlfriend for the evening, I had no way to find out if they were stimulating, ultra sensitive, or felt natural.

Not even using them to deep throat a banana would’ve been helpful. However, I could test the claim on the boxes that they all have a low latex odor by conducting a condom smell test, which is very similar to the game, “Whose Armpit Are You Smelling Now?”

I grabbed one of the Elexa condom and a condom from my “Just in case I get some. Oh, who the hell am I kidding, I’m not getting any” stash. I ripped open the packaging for both condoms and took a whiff of each. The Elexa condom did have a significant lower latex odor than the other Trojan condom I smelled.

I really wish Trojan would make all their condoms with a low latex odor, because it’s not sexy having my hands smell like latex gloves when I pay…Um…I mean, when I want a woman to suck on my fingers…and maybe my elbows.

The next product I tested was the Intimacy Gel, which would’ve been more fun to test if I could grow a clitoris or had access to a clitoris. Instead I put some on one of my palms and began massaging it with my other hand’s fingers. I could feel the warmth of the gel and it felt nice, kind of like when I put on sunscreen from a bottle that’s been sitting in the sun.

Oh, if only I had a clitoris.

Also, I have to say, the instructions for the Intimacy Gel are the sexiest instructions EVER printed on a product: “Apply a small amount of Elexa Intimacy Gel, about the size of a dime, onto the tip of the finger and gently massage the clitoral area. The gentle warmth from applying the gel enhances the pleasure of an intimate physical touch. Repeat as desired. Oh yeah! That’s the spot. Repeat, baby! REPEAT!”

It’s like a Penthouse Letter, except much shorter.

Next up were the Freshening Cloths, which look like handiwipes from KFC, but smell like potpourri. The purpose of these are to help a woman feel fresh and confident down below.

However, I could also see men using these, because I’m sure women don’t like it when their man’s “roll of quarters and loose change bag” are smelling kind of funky and they’re going down to receive a withdrawal.

Flowery-smelling is better than funky-smelling.

The final product I received was perhaps the most intriguing member of the Elexa line. The Vibrating Ring is basically a small vibrator attached to a soft silicone ring. Slide it on a “roll of quarters,” turn it on, and then turn her on.

I didn’t read the instructions so it took me awhile to turn on the Vibrating Ring, but now that I think about it, I also have trouble turning on women and televisions without remote controls.

How well does it vibrate? Well here’s a video of me putting it into action. (Quicktime required for video.)

According to the instructions, the Vibrating Ring’s battery should last for about twenty minutes or so, which means I can use it about twenty times before the battery dies.

Now the surprising thing about the Trojan Elexa line is that you won’t be able to find them at the usual “Wall of Condoms” at your favorite store. These products are only available in the feminine hygiene section.

Oh, except maybe the Vibrating Ring, which can’t be sold in eight states.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Robert, who has Trojan as a client at the PR firm he works at, for the Elexa products. I would also like to thank Robert for reminding me that I’m not getting laid, but the vibrating ring will have to suffice for now.)


Item: Trojan Elexa
Purchase Price: FREE
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Condoms have a low latex odor. Freshening cloths have a nice light scent. Vibrating Ring looks like fun. Wide variety of products to help women increase their pleasure. My excessive use of the word clitoris.
Cons: Women get condom boxes that don’t look like condom boxes, while guys have condom boxes that yell condom boxes. Took me awhile to figure out how to turn on the Vibrating Ring. My lack of a clitoris. What? No taint vibrator for men?

42 thoughts on “Trojan Elexa

  1. Best line ever!!! “their man’s “roll of quarters and loose change bag” ”

    And I think you should hold a race between the vibrating ring and the vibrating toothbrush… I think you might get some interesting results ;)

  2. Throw in the vibrating razor too. It can be a relay.

    I got two rolls of quarters yesterday. From the bank. No loose change though. Damn.

    Marvo, this was GREAT! You are hilarious. I have no clue what’s wrong with the women in Hawaii. You should have hookers, I mean women, lining up for you!

    flowery is always one up on funky. Good luck on growing a clit. I think if you work real hard on it, you can do it.

  3. I’m afraid that your excessive use of the word clitoris was cancelled out by that one usage of the word taint. But I will definitely never regard a roll of quarters the same way again.

  4. Marvo, if I recall correctly from my visit to Hawaii, there’s no shortage of hookers in Hawaii. However, you seem to be popular with your female fans, so I see no need for you to waste money on prostitutes. Simply have another prize drawing, and offer yourself as the prize, restricting the contest to your female readers. The winner would pay your airfare and recieve a personal visit from Marvo and an in-real-life Trojan Alexa demonstration. Heck, if the winner lived where they had a Hardees, you might even be able to get a Monster Thickburger out of the deal!

  5. Somehow I missed the whole fact that you are from Hawai’i. Doh! I had to go back and read the FAQ. Now I know why you have no Target. I remember that feeling — after graduate school, I returned to Honolulu for a few years, before I realized that the oceans don’t make up for the lack of a Target, nor do they make up for the low-paying jobs. I moved to the Mainland, and I make at least one trip a week to Target, sometimes more often when I stressed.

    My comment has nothing to do with your review. Sorry. But if you ever need things from Target, let me know. I will trade them for Aloha Shoyu and crack seed.

  6. So…do you get a ring thingy in each box? So you just throw them away after 20 mins? disposable vibrators? interesting…

  7. Marvo, I know a few clitorises up here in Indiana that would have let you at least test the gel. ;)

    This review was hilarious though. A much appreciated laugh.

  8. you’re hilarious =) the packaging is so pretty and it’s “novel” that i want to try it out… but no man at the moment… you shoulda fielded an open call for product review participants before this product… sit back, and watch the offers come in…. =D

  9. Amazing, marketing condoms to women. I can’t believe no one ever thought of that till now, Trojan’s gonna be raking it in till Durex comes out with their copy cat line. Also, that’s totally awesome that they’re now selling honest to god sex toys, even disposable ones, in drug stores. That’s a whole new awkward “mommy, what does this mean?” conversation.

  10. My main question is how many prototypes were created for the vibrating ring, or did someone “nail it” on the first try? Also, even though it was free, it might be important to know the price, the premium bonus material is like the Xbox 360 with hard drive and hi-def cables. Ok, maybe not, but that’s the best this geek could come up with on short notice. Man, that’s a lot of innuendo in one comment.

  11. I was expecting the video to be a lil more, uh, non-work-friendly, but was surprised and laughing that it looked so nonsexual. Too damn funny, as always.

  12. Ayesha97 – Well I did race it again my vibrating razor, but it didn’t go so well. You can see the result in this video

    ga girl – Maybe it’s better that you didn’t have loose change, because the problem with a loose change bag is that it might hit you in the face. As for growing a clit, I think I’ll ask Michael Jackson if he has one and if he does, how does he like it.

    Mir – I either refer a roll of quarter that way or I consider it a goldmine of laundry money.

    Chuck – Let me tell you something about myself. I am a cheap bastard. When the occasion calls for a dozen roses, I’ll get half a dozen. If the occasion calls for an expensive dinner, I’ll pitch in the extra money for an extra container of Chicken McNuggets sauce.

    AmberLB – Oh, the things I want from Target. It’s a lot and I would probably have to send you two gallons of shoyu and like ten pounds of li hing mui, wet and dry, to make it an equal trade.

    caitlin – The Vibrating Ring is something you purchase separately. The battery isn’t replaceable, so i guess it’s disposable, unless you’re an electronics whiz and can hook it up to a nine volt battery or something.

    Jenn – But I have to go all the way to Indiana and I don’t have warm clothing. ;-) Thanks for the compliment.

  13. wyn – Thank you for your kind words. I was thinking about just asking random women if they want to help me test these products, but I felt saying, “Hey, wanna help me test out these condoms,” sounded too much like the worst pick up line EVER.

    Webmiztris – I thought it would make for a wonderful cockring, but the silicone is a little too stretchy, which doesn’t make for a really good cockring, unless the man schlong is as big as my arm.

    ga girl – But none in HI. :-(

    Lucy – Are you a lightbulb? ;-)

    Genny From the Burbs – I was watching Best Week Ever a few weeks ago and they did a segment about how Wal-Mart will be selling sex toys. I feel a possible review coming up. Oh wait, that’s just the Vibrating Ring in my pocket.

    KENT – I think snakes have two penises.

    Damon – Oh, the wife will be happy, unless you live in one of the states that can’t sell the Vibrating Ring.

  14. Karen – Thanks!!

    taikoG – At least it wasn’t the video of me stripping again.

    dramastically – Well then, you’re missing out, because the video is quite moving.

    Dain – And don’t forget, quite moving.

    klew – I have several questions: Who tested the prototypes and were the Trojan scientist and engineers watching them test the prototypes? Did they record it on video? Can the general public view or buy the video?

    Jae – I was thinking about making the video a little more risque, but Paris Hilton wasn’t around.

  15. Marvo, you keep getting all these things that you need to test with a woman! We need to find you a girlfriend. Or a friend with benefits. Or something!

  16. ga girl – The second video should be working now. If not, your suspense killed the link. ;-)

    Pel – Well my friend has just started a campaign to get me one. She sent out an email to her friends and is now my pimp.

    Melissa – Thanks! If you haven’t read the archives, you should read the other condom review I did. Also, if you decided to go through the archives, avoid the Kazaam Crunch review, because that one blew chunks.

  17. If you had a clitoris, just think of all of the other things you’d have…PMS…lower wages….birth control pills….a “girly” voice….the lack of ability to throw a ball….etc.

  18. If you fly me out to Hawaii (after may. I wanna graduate first) I’ll help you test things out! :D :D :-*

    and
    if you could have your friend send a pack my way.. and send a man my way, too. I’d be much obliged.
    :)

    also, It’s not THAT hard to grow a clitoris. Hell, I grew one BEFORE I WAS BORN! It can’t be that hard! I did it when I was a fetus, and I’m not even smart enough to grow two kidneys!

  19. klew – Did some research and found out that the Vibrating Ring costs between 5 and 10 dollars. I don’t know if $10 is worth it. I’d really like it if it was $5.

    Carrie – If you start your own quasi-product review blog, he might send you one. ;-)

    nat – Hey! I know some folks who have a clitoris that don’t have a “girly” voice and can throw a ball better than I can, but then again I do throw like a girl.

    TheWarden – I think I’m going to patent that idea, and I’m going to be rich because of the taint vibrator.

    KT – I don’t know. Flying you out here would be pretty expensive. I think getting a prostitute here would be significantly cheaper. Wait! Do I have to tip a prostitute? Because if I tip at 20 percent, it’s going to add up. I gotta think about it. ;-)

  20. I see how it’s gonna be. You’ll post the clitoris covered post, but won’t post my review of the Cajun stuff because I said boobies.

    I’m going to go weep in the corner.

    Melanie

  21. question: does the vibrating ring have replaceable batteries or will there be a dump FULL of them in a few days?

    *scratches chin*

    maybe there’ll be a “vibrating ring” settlement like the iPod one. I’ll be rich! :)

  22. Holy Schmidt – Did you say BOOBIES!?! Where? BOOBIES!!!

    Trish – It’s also got a celebrity sex tape quality to it as well. Just add night vision…

    ga girl – Yes, thank goodness. I would’ve had to make another video and that Vibrating Ring seems to have a mind of its own.

    kt – No replaceable batteries and if there is a dump full of them in a few days, I definitely will not have contributed any Vibrating Rings to the dump.

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