Dragon Fire Gum

I don’t know about you, but when I was growing up I didn’t want to have Superman’s superhuman strength, Flash’s lightning quick speed, or Wonder Woman’s stupid lasso that made people tell the truth. I wanted the special ability of shooting fire out of my mouth.

Perhaps this desire was influenced by the many Godzilla movies I watched. Or maybe I wanted to be able to roast marshmallows whenever or wherever I wished. Or maybe I wanted to be the reason why people yelled, “The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire! We don’t need no water let the motherfucker burn!”

I also came up with a cool name if I ever had the ability to shoot fire out of my mouth. I would’ve called myself, “Hellmouth.”

Although now that I’m older and wiser, I realize that this name would either put fear into the hearts of criminals or make everyone think I had bad breath.

When I received a can of Dragon Fire Gum from Impulsive Buy reader Akiko, who picked it up during her journey to the exotic land called Los Angeles, I thought it would allow me to have the fire-shooting breath to destroy a miniature version of Tokyo that I would’ve built using Legos and Jenga pieces. Instead it allowed me to have cinnamon smelling breath.

Inside the can of Dragon Fire Gum was a slip of paper with the words:

According to ancient oriental beliefs, dragons breathed fire to protect treasures from evil spirits. Dragon Fire’s intense hot cinnamon taste will protect you from evil breath spirits. Each piece of gum is loaded with hot imperial cinnamon and then singed to seal in the hot cinnamon flavor.

Yeah, right. And Calgon laundry detergent is an ancient Chinese secret.

So bad breath is caused by evil spirits and not by garlic, onions, smoking, having food debris trapped in your mouth, or kissing a hooker with missing teeth?

If that’s the case, I don’t need gum or toothbrushes, I need either Holy Water or the Ghostbusters.

The dragon design on the outside of the can was cool. However, the gum on the inside, not so much.

Each Dragon Fire gum looked like a red peanut M&M with wrinkles. It also looked like it had a hard shell, but it didn’t have one.

Remember the “intense hot cinnamon taste” printed on the slip of paper in the Dragon Fire Gum can? Well it was there…sometimes. Some pieces made my mouth feel like there was a party going in it, with fireworks and strippers. However, other pieces also made my mouth feel like there was a party going on in it, except with tea, crumpets, and fully-clothed nuns.


Item: Dragon Fire Gum
Purchase Price: FREE (Received from Impulsive Buy reader Akiko)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Sugarfree. Cool looking can. Dragon would make a cool tattoo. Parties with fireworks and strippers.
Cons: Inconsistent cinnamon bite. Looks like it has a hard shell, but doesn’t have one. Parties with fully-clothed nuns. My inability to shoot fire from my mouth.

30 thoughts on “Dragon Fire Gum

  1. sounds like you got a dud. i’ve been hooked on orbit gum. it’s absolutely the best! i love bubblemint and cinnamint. i highly recommend it.

  2. Wrinkled M&Ms? Ewwwwwwww. Poor Marvo. Makes me want to send you a bag of Atomic Fireballs just to make up for your pain.

  3. Sounds like you got a crappy batch–this gum is my favorite! It is one of the strongest cinnamon-flavored gums I’ve tried. Also good: Dentyne Fire.

  4. “I wanted the special ability of shooting fire out of my mouth.”

    And I wanted the special ability of shooting fire out of my ass.

    Which I can now do when I eat Indian food.

  5. I’ve been turned off to cinnamon flavored breath fresherners since my dentist squirted cinnamon mouthwash into the hole left after I got my wisdom teeth out. Now that is when you breath fire. Still, sucks that you got insufficiently flavored gum, better luck next time!

    And Happy Halloween!

  6. Marvo!!! i love this gum. Been buyin’ it for a while!! Didn’t know you didn’t have it o’er there on your rock in the middle o’the Pacific. But i’m easy like Sunday morning… i’ll chew any cinnamon gum there is… ORBIT cinnamint is grand as is Extra cinnamon.

    Roses are reddish
    Violets are blueish
    if it wasn’t for Xmas
    we’d all be Chewish

  7. Ohh! I’ve had this stuff before! it’s AWESOME!
    2 out of 5? you’re crazy man, CRAZY!
    MMMMMmM!!!!!

    yeah, it was pretty crappy, I give it a negative 3 out of 10. Ew.

    It has a sweet tin, though.

    Happy Halloween, Marvo!! :):)

  8. At least it’s sugarless. Chewing gum and breath mints with sugar are just feeding the bacteria that cause bad breath with food (sugar). The effect is very temporary and the bad breath will come back worse afterwards. Science rules! This has been brought to you by the letter “e” and the number “e” (only math geeks will get that).

  9. megan – I’ve never tried Orbit gum because I’m afraid that my teeth might get too white. Have you seen the commercials? When the people chewing Orbit gum smile, their teeth sparkle. The only time teeth should sparkle like that is when you’ve got bling in yo’ teeth.

    Mir – Wouldn’t the spice of Atomic Fireballs add to my pain? Anything called Atomic Fireballs, I assume, would be painful.

    wyn – Yeah, I agree. Not everything lives up to their promise, like the career of Gary Coleman.

    mai – Well, at least some nuns show a little ankle.

    Chuck – Oh yeah, I temporarily blocked that out of my mind. Traumatic experience ya know.

    Webmiztris – No, each piece of gum didn’t have tiny little fortunes in them, but if they did, I bet one of them would say, “You have very good eyes.”

    Ralph Wiggum – Yeah, Dentyne Fire was good. If they made a Dentyne Mui Caliente, I bet that would be even better.

    Bryan – Happy Halloween to you!

  10. Toni – Please. No pictures…Or video.

    Lucy – Happy Halloween to you too!

    nat – I have to settle for roasting marshmallows over a lit matchstick.

    Jay Nickola – Damn, I feel old for remembering that commercial.

    Genny From the Burbs – Did your dentist do that on purpose? That sadistic bastard/bitch! (Sorry, I don’t know if you have a male or female dentist, so I decided to cover all my bases.)

    Karen – Hey, if we were Chewish, would we all be hairy seven-foot Wookies?

    kt – Yeah, the tin is pretty sweet. It’s perfect for storing iPod earbuds or cocaine.

    klew – Damn my English degree! Damn you!

  11. i have seen the commercials, a long long time ago lol. i dont get commercials any more. 🙁 they are replaced by cheesy informational spots made by the military. craziness. but i promise, no sparkling. your mouth will feel clean and all, but no sparkling.

  12. XLR8 energy chews.

    forget that they have freakin’ dale jr on the package… you’re already at target… blend in..
    THEY have so much of the fabulous goodness that is caffeine you will not stop talking and will feeeeeel as if you are spewing fire. try them! function – not form…

  13. You mean that Calgon ISN’T an ancient Chinese secret? But… that’s what they tell me at the laundrymat!!! 🙁

  14. megan – You have convinced me. I shall chew the Orbit…No matter what.

    rfduck – Don’t forget the biting off of animal heads and the incoherent sentences.

    Sasha_Kitty – Holy crap! That was an awesome link! Thanks!

    Velma – Mmmm…Sweet, sweet caffeine.

    jinhamasaki – This gum would be better if it came with caffeine and/or matches.

    JMo – Calgon isn’t a secret, Chinese, or ancient. But if it is, it’s doing a horrible job.

  15. I wonder how this would compare to the new Big Red Fireball gum? Very creative site – like a toned down version of yongfook.com.

  16. Mellie Helen – I think I might need stinkin’ gum for my stinkin’ breath after I eat some stinkin’ garlic or stinkin’ peanut butter.

    *akiko* – Yes, I am superficial. It’s all on the outside that counts.

    CK – Haven’t tried the Big Red Fireball. Yongfook.com sounds like a good site.

    Jen – Maybe they’re cold.

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