Dragon Fire Gum

I don’t know about you, but when I was growing up I didn’t want to have Superman’s superhuman strength, Flash’s lightning quick speed, or Wonder Woman’s stupid lasso that made people tell the truth. I wanted the special ability of shooting fire out of my mouth.

Perhaps this desire was influenced by the many Godzilla movies I watched. Or maybe I wanted to be able to roast marshmallows whenever or wherever I wished. Or maybe I wanted to be the reason why people yelled, “The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire! We don’t need no water let the motherfucker burn!”

I also came up with a cool name if I ever had the ability to shoot fire out of my mouth. I would’ve called myself, “Hellmouth.”

Although now that I’m older and wiser, I realize that this name would either put fear into the hearts of criminals or make everyone think I had bad breath.

When I received a can of Dragon Fire Gum from Impulsive Buy reader Akiko, who picked it up during her journey to the exotic land called Los Angeles, I thought it would allow me to have the fire-shooting breath to destroy a miniature version of Tokyo that I would’ve built using Legos and Jenga pieces. Instead it allowed me to have cinnamon smelling breath.

Inside the can of Dragon Fire Gum was a slip of paper with the words:

According to ancient oriental beliefs, dragons breathed fire to protect treasures from evil spirits. Dragon Fire’s intense hot cinnamon taste will protect you from evil breath spirits. Each piece of gum is loaded with hot imperial cinnamon and then singed to seal in the hot cinnamon flavor.

Yeah, right. And Calgon laundry detergent is an ancient Chinese secret.

So bad breath is caused by evil spirits and not by garlic, onions, smoking, having food debris trapped in your mouth, or kissing a hooker with missing teeth?

If that’s the case, I don’t need gum or toothbrushes, I need either Holy Water or the Ghostbusters.

The dragon design on the outside of the can was cool. However, the gum on the inside, not so much.

Each Dragon Fire gum looked like a red peanut M&M with wrinkles. It also looked like it had a hard shell, but it didn’t have one.

Remember the “intense hot cinnamon taste” printed on the slip of paper in the Dragon Fire Gum can? Well it was there…sometimes. Some pieces made my mouth feel like there was a party going in it, with fireworks and strippers. However, other pieces also made my mouth feel like there was a party going on in it, except with tea, crumpets, and fully-clothed nuns.

Item: Dragon Fire Gum
Purchase Price: FREE (Received from Impulsive Buy reader Akiko)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Sugarfree. Cool looking can. Dragon would make a cool tattoo. Parties with fireworks and strippers.
Cons: Inconsistent cinnamon bite. Looks like it has a hard shell, but doesn’t have one. Parties with fully-clothed nuns. My inability to shoot fire from my mouth.

30 thoughts to “Dragon Fire Gum”

  1. XLR8 energy chews.

    forget that they have freakin’ dale jr on the package… you’re already at target… blend in..
    THEY have so much of the fabulous goodness that is caffeine you will not stop talking and will feeeeeel as if you are spewing fire. try them! function – not form…

  2. You mean that Calgon ISN’T an ancient Chinese secret? But… that’s what they tell me at the laundrymat!!! 🙁

  3. megan – You have convinced me. I shall chew the Orbit…No matter what.

    rfduck – Don’t forget the biting off of animal heads and the incoherent sentences.

    Sasha_Kitty – Holy crap! That was an awesome link! Thanks!

    Velma – Mmmm…Sweet, sweet caffeine.

    jinhamasaki – This gum would be better if it came with caffeine and/or matches.

    JMo – Calgon isn’t a secret, Chinese, or ancient. But if it is, it’s doing a horrible job.

  4. I wonder how this would compare to the new Big Red Fireball gum? Very creative site – like a toned down version of yongfook.com.

  5. Mellie Helen – I think I might need stinkin’ gum for my stinkin’ breath after I eat some stinkin’ garlic or stinkin’ peanut butter.

    *akiko* – Yes, I am superficial. It’s all on the outside that counts.

    CK – Haven’t tried the Big Red Fireball. Yongfook.com sounds like a good site.

    Jen – Maybe they’re cold.

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