Month: December 2005

Year-In-Review + December Prize Drawing = Crazy Delicious!!!

Marvo 118 Comments

Well this will be the last Impulsive Buy post for the year, but it’s a Year-In-Review/Prize Drawing post.

First off, I just want to wish everyone a Happy New Year and I also want to thank everyone who reads the Impulsive Buy regularly. It’s a lot of fun trying to come up with new ways to make you laugh, make you nauseous, and make you watch a video of me stripping.

Also, I guess a Year-In-Review post wouldn’t be complete without a list of some of my favorite reviews over the past year. So here they are in no particular order:

10. Carb Well Golden Crunch Cereal
9. Canon PowerShot A85
8. Girl Scouts Thin Mints
7. Full Throttle
6. Del Monte Carb Clever Sliced Pears
5. BK Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch
4. iPod Shuffle
3. Poop Water
2. Star Wars Cereal
1. Glaceau SmartWater

Aaah, good times. Good times.

Well on to this month’s prize drawing. I don’t know what I’m going to give away, but the theme of this month’s prize drawing is, “A Month’s Supply.” The theme means that whatever the prizes are, the winners will receive a month’s supply of it.

THREE lucky Impulsive Buy readers will each receive a month’s supply of something I reviewed in the past year. However, I guarantee it’s not the Carb Well Golden Crunch Cereal, because I believe they don’t make it anymore.

To enter this month’s prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with the words “Happy New Year, Sucka!” in it and whatever else you would like to say.

Please fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, I’ll take care of it.

The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Tuesday, December 27, 2005 and stop accepting entries on Sunday, January 1, 2006. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States, US Military APOs, and Canada. (To the rest of the planet, I’m sorry.)

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about making money by filling out surveys. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you information about seminars that will help you manage people better or improve your grammar skills. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, Johnny Damon going to the Yankees, or the destruction of the Earth at midnight on January 1st.

Jones Soda Whoop Ass Energy Drink

Marvo 11 Comments

Whoop Ass Energy Drink, eh? You’re more like Whoop-De-Doo or the one-hit wonder, “Whoop! There It Is!”

You maybe the champ now, but when Wrestle Wreckage IV on pay-per-view passes, that title belt you have is either going to be around The Reviewer’s waist or around your neck.

Don’t take The Reviewer lightly, Whoop Ass Energy Drink.

The Reviewer ISN’T Gene Shalit! The Reviewer ISN’T Roger Ebert! The Reviewer ISN’T Dustin Rowles!

But The Reviewer IS going to kick your ass at Wrestle Wreckage IV.

The Reviewer doesn’t care if you bring your caffeine, taurine, inositol, ginseng, and guarana. It’s enough to give The Reviewer energy when The Reviewer is reviewing, but it’s not enough to kick The Reviewers ass. Heck, bring your donkey, hippopotamus, elephant, and duckbilled platypus, because it’s still not enough.

There’s no doubt that I will beat you at Wrestle Wreckage IV. The odds of me winning the World Championship belt from you are better than the odds that either Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, or Luke Wilson will be in the next Ben Stiller movie.

You don’t impress me with your 310% thiamin, 310% riboflavin, 100% niacin, and 260% vitamin B6, because the only numbers that really matter are these two 12-inch guns I have right here.

Oh yeah!

With these two 12-inch guns, I’m going to bitch slap the green color right out of you. And speaking of things coming out, your citrus taste is more like a spit-this taste. It tasted bitter and sweet, like I was sucking on a Louie-Bloo Raspberry Otter Pop plastic tube.

Finally, what’s up with the red and white stripes? Are you a candy cane? Are you a barber shop pole? Are you a candystriper? Well you’re going to need candystripers when I’m done with you after Wrestle Wreckage IV on pay-per-view.

You may think you have The Reviewer’s spirit down after you attacked The Reviewer the other night with a steel chair and slammed The Reviewer through a table when The Reviewer was wrestling The Wall, but I reviewed your poor attempt at bringing me down, and I have to say that it sucked worse than a Creed CD.

But the next time you step in the ring, you better watch out, because The Reviewer will be watching with a steel chair. Also, here a little nugget for you to remember, steel is stronger than aluminum.

But you know what? When we get to Wrestle Wreckage IV, it doesn’t matter whether it’s steel or aluminum, bitter or sweet, candy cane or candystriper, or donkey or platypus, because when The Reviewer gets you into The Reviewer’s finishing move, The Final Verdict, The Reviewer is going to crush you.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Jim for sending me a can of Whoop Ass and for not opening a can of whoop ass on me, because I’m pretty sure he could totally kick my ass, hang me on a hook by my underwear, and have people pay one dollar to throw eggs at me.)

Item: Jones Soda Whoop Ass Energy Drink
Purchase Price: FREE (Thanks, Jim!)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: My finishing move, The Final Verdict. Lots of energy, but not enough to kick my ass. My two 12-inch guns.
Cons: Bitter taste. “Whoop! There It Is!” Steel chairs.

Airheads Mystery Slurpee Flavor

Marvo 28 Comments

I really was hoping that the Airheads Mystery Slurpee Flavor would taste like Mr. Pibb and Red Vines, because I hear it equals crazy delicious.

Unfortunately, I have no idea what Mr. Pibb tastes like, so just like the number of licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop, the number of licks it takes to stop a Timex from ticking, and the number of licks it takes to have a woman say my name in the heat of passion, I will probably never know the answer.

I will also probably never know what the mystery flavor is for this Airheads Slurpee. I could try to solve the mystery, but I don’t like food that makes me think, especially a Slurpee, because it’s hard to think when I’ve got brain freeze.

When I have brain freeze, I’m not in any condition to solve a mystery. Maybe if I had a groovy Mystery Machine, some meddling kids, a dumb dog, and Scooby Snacks, I could solve the mystery, but I don’t.

However, I knew that not knowing what the mystery flavor was would peck at my brain like trying to figure out the name of the fourth musketeer or being subjected to a Chinese water torture.

So to figure out what the mystery flavor was, I did exactly what I do when I’m faced with multiple choice questions or when approaching “women” with slight facial hair and large hands…I tried guessing.

I figured if I used my five senses I could figure it out.

Using my sense of touch, I determined that the Slurpee was cold, which was pretty much a waste of time because my sense of sight could’ve of told me that.

Using my sense of sight, I determined that the Slurpee was yellow, which got me thinking, just like the Impulsive Buy puts the “ew” in product review, maybe this flavor puts the “pee” in Slurpee.

Using my sense of smell, I determined that the Slurpee had a fruity flavor, which caused my sense of hearing to hear, “No shit, Sherlock!”

Finally, using my sense of taste, I tried to come up with familiar fruity flavors. The flavor was very good, but my tongue gave me a variety of answers, like grape, strawberry-banana, cherry, and strawberry. So not only is my tongue a sex toy without much stamina, it also has some messed up taste buds.

Well I may not know what flavor the Airheads Mystery Slurpee Flavor is, but I do know that it equals crazy delicious.

Item: Airheads Mystery Slurpee Flavor
Purchase Price: $1.39 (40-ounce)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Good fruity taste. Crazy delicious. Refreshing on a hot, sunny day. Velma.
Cons: Not being able to figure out the mystery flavor and not know how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. No Mr. Pibb for me. Yellow snow.

Pick Your Poison!!! Beverage Product Election!!!

Marvo 109 Comments

It’s been awhile since I had a product election here at The Impulsive Buy, which allows you, the readers, to decide what product The Impulsive Buy reviews next. The product election also allows me to clean up my apartment which currently has empty bottles of products strewn all over the place.

Fortunately, they are mostly empty bottles of soda and water. However, if they were all empty bottles of beer, I could sing the “99 Bottles of Beer On The Wall” song or Fox could shoot an episode of Cops in my apartment.

Anyway, over the past few months I’ve tried various beverages. A few of them are sweet, one is pure, one is healthy, and one gets me so wasted that it will make me think the TV show Joey is actually funny.

In this product election, you will be able to choose from six “poisons”:

1. Oxygen Water

2. Island Fruit 7Up Plus

3. Mountain Dew MDX

4. XS Clearly Fruit Punch Sports Drink

5. Odwalla Superfood

6. Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka

The candidate with the most votes will be declared the winner. The winner will be reviewed and the other candidates will either be recycled or turned into spittoons.

To vote, just leave a comment for this post with your choice. Only one choice and vote per person.

I’ll be accepting votes until Sunday, December 25th. Shortly after the 25th, I’ll post the review of the winning product.

Now go vote like it’s the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel

Marvo 28 Comments

There probably have been thousands of ideas in the history of ideas that have looked good on paper, but in the end never really turned out to be very good. For example, dnL, Cowboy Troy, and Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.

Oh wait, I’m sorry. All of those things pretty much also sucked on paper. But you get the idea.

Now we can add the new Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel to the list. Usually, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups have the ability to make women orgasm more quickly than any man (Or woman. Or vibrating object. Or picture of Brad Pitt.) could.

However, after eating a couple packs of this new Reese’s variation, I can safely say that women will not orgasm after eating it, because the caramel is apparently a culinary cock block.

I really like caramel. I like them on apples. I like them in Twix. I like Eva Longoria.

But the caramel in the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel seemed to overpower the flavor of the peanut butter.

It’s kind of like how Star Jones sometimes overpowers the rest women on The View, not only because she’s loud and obnoxious, but also because I think the other women are afraid to say anything because Star might eat them.

There’s a reason why Barbara Walters doesn’t sit next to her, and that reason is…Appetizer.

The Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel were good, but the caramel made the peanut butter cups a little too sweet for my tastes. It also made the peanut butter cups is a little too unstable for my tastes.

With normal Reese’s, the top and bottom are pretty firm when you pinch them. However, because the caramel, which is underneath the peanut butter, has more of a liquid consistency than peanut butter, the chocolate at bottom of each peanut butter cup is kind of soft, which could easily crack, cause a gooey caramel-ly mess, and make you more edible for Star Jones.

Item: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel
Purchase Price: 53 cents
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good, but not as good as the original. Eva Longoria. Caramel apples.
Cons: Star Jones. Caramel dominated the peanut butter flavor, making it a little too sweet. Caramel on the bottom makes the peanut butter cup less stable. Using the word “because” three times in a sentence. Star Jones when she’s hungry.