It seems like every time I wear one of my shirts from Threadless, women want to look at my chest.

They’ll say, “What does your shirt say?” or “I’m just reading your shirt.” But I know that it’s just some excuse to look at my chest. It’s so obvious.

I feel so cheap and dirty. I feel more like an object, than a person.

Hey women, I’m up here, not down there. The last time I checked, my chest can’t hold a conversation.

I guess the least they could do is be a little more secretive when staring at my chest, like wear sunglasses or make strategically placed holes through a newspaper.

I’m not a piece of meat. I’m not their Brad Pitt to ogle and drool over. I have feelings, beliefs, dreams, compassion, intelligence, and a heart in this body of mine. There’s more to me than just my chest.

I wonder how women would like it if I stared at their chests?

Wondering if they’re fake or real?

Wondering if their nipples are pierced?

Wondering if they would like it if I said, “honk, honk,” while squeezing their chest?

Wondering if they like having their nipples twisted like they were radio dials?

I bet women definitely wouldn’t like it if I stared at their chests.

Although I will admit, my chest is probably my best physical feature. If you saw the rest of me, you’d probably agree. I guess doing five pushups a day has really helped. Although, my chest is only my best feature when I have it covered with a shirt. Without a shirt…Well, let’s just say, you really don’t want to see that, especially if you’ve eaten something.

Now some of you maybe thinking that I should stop wearing the Threadless shirts so that women won’t have an excuse to look at my chest, but I like these shirts because some of them are really clever and funny. But it’s not just clever and funny shirts, there are also very cute, artsy, meaningful, and unusual shirts at Threadless. Although, those are usually too hip for me and would probably draw even more attention to my chest.

At Threadless, shirt designs are submitted by talented, mostly unknown designers and artists from all over and Threadless members get to vote for the shirt designs that will be printed. It’s like American Idol, except without Paula Abdul’s weird clapping and Simon Cowell’s asshole-ness.

Shirts cost $15 each, plus shipping, but several times per year Threadless has a $10 sale on all their shirts to get rid of older stock. Speaking of stock, all the shirts that Threadless prints are limited-edition. So if they run out of a particular design, it’s usually gone for good, unless a whole bunch of people ask for another printing of the shirt.

Since I won’t stop wearing Threadless shirts, I guess I’ll let women continue to stare at my chest, but I still don’t approve of it. Hopefully, women will grow to appreciate what’s inside, instead of what’s on the outside.

Item: Threadless.com
Purchased Price: $15 per shirt (Except during the $10 sale)
Purchased At: Threadless
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Very original designs, created by some very talented unknown people. Semi annual $10 sale. Appreciating someone for what’s on the inside. My chest with a shirt.
Cons: Some shirts are just too hip for me. Women staring at my chest. Being an object of desire rather than of a person of intelligence. Asshole-ness. My chest without a shirt.

What would I do for a Reese’s Klondike Bar?

I think I’d do a lot for one, because they are pretty damn good with their Reese’s Peanut Butter-flavored ice cream and milk chocolate coating. They also apparently have Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup pieces in the ice cream, but I didn’t see any in all of the six bars I had.

Unless, there weren’t pieces of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Maybe there were molecules or atoms of Reese’s instead. Or perhaps quarks. Whatever amount of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups were in each Klondike Bar, it didn’t help make it taste much like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. If it had visible pieces though, I think it probably would’ve tasted more like a one. Even though it didn’t taste like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, as I said before, it’s pretty damn good.

It also would’ve been cool if the Reese’s Klondike Bar was shaped like a giant peanut butter cup. Instead it came in the typical missionary-position-boring Klondike Bar block shape.

Besides the lack of pieces of Reese’s, another thing I didn’t like about the Reese’s Klondike Bar was the fact that it melted pretty quickly while I ate it. But then again, I do live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and it’s 83 degrees outside, so I should’ve expected that.

Overall, I do think the Reese’s Klondike Bar rocks and I think the best way for me to explain how much I like these Reese’s Klondike Bars would be to sing a song. Just to let you know, my voice has the power to break windows. Although the reason why windows break whenever I sing is because of the people breaking them to quickly get far away from me as possible. In other words, I can’t sing.

So I’ll just write a song and you can make your own melody and sing it at your office, house, or American Idol audition.

The Reese’s Klondike Bar Song

For just one Reese’s Klondike Bar I probably won’t do much.
If I were a woman, “first base” is all I would let you touch.
For one, I’d let Kate Moss do lines of coke off my butt.
I’d even buy K-Fed’s CD and then kick him in the nuts.

That’s what I would do for a Reese’s Klondike Bar.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Anthony for letting me know about the Reese’s Klondike Bar.)

Item: Reese’s Klondike Bar
Price: $4.00 (on sale – Box of six)
Purchased At: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Damn good, despite not tasting like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. Thick ice cream bar. Great to eat when it’s hot or when you’ve had your heart ripped out by an ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend. Actual Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
Cons: Didn’t see pieces of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Gets messy when eating them on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Almost all the things I would do for a Reese’s Klondike Bar. My inability to sing.

Right now, The Impulsive Buy is being bombarded by visitors from somewhere unknown Kim Komando’s Cool Site of the Day. I just want to welcome those visitors from somewhere unknown Kim Komando’s Cool Site of the Day and hope you enjoy your stay here.

The Impulsive Buy is dedicated to providing humorous quasi-reviews about various consumer goods. Each review goes off on some tangent, but almost always comes back to complete the review. If it didn’t, we wouldn’t be a quasi-review website. Instead we would be some quasi-babbling website.

The Impulsive Buy USUALLY posts two or three reviews a week. About one in every fifty are actually any good.

The staff of The Impulsive Buy are not experts, but they do like to try anything that has any of the following words on the product: new, improved, new and improved, better tasting, reconditioned, less fat, fat-free, best-selling, less calories, reduced for quick sale, limited edition, free toy, 50% off, or now with Olestra.

If you want to take a look at the complete review archive, click here.

Thanks for visiting.

Marvo
Editor
The Impulsive Buy

PS – Where the heck are you folks coming from?

‘Cause this is thriller, thriller night/There ain’t no second chance against the thing with forty eyes/You know it’s thriller, thriller night/You’re fighting for your life inside of killer, thriller tonight

Hee, hee!

Oh, hello there! Michael Jackson here. When I’m thirsty from dancing with the Elephant Man’s bones, chasing my chimp Bubbles around, or playing “What’s In Your Mouth?” with my sleepover friends, I like to pick up a Snapple Green Apple White Tea.

There are many reason why I like it. One reason is…

Because it’s good, it’s good – come on/You know it’s good, it’s good – you know it/You know it’s good, it’s good – come on, you know/And the whole world has to answer right now/Just to tell you once again,/It’s good…

Aaow!

It has a nice and crisp light green apple taste that is mixed well with the equally light white tea taste, and it’s very refreshing after a long day in the recording studio or courthouse. Compared with other Snapple products, it has about 33 percent less calories and sugar.

The entire 17.5-ounce bottle contains 120 calories, zero grams of fat, 30 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbs, 30 grams of sugar, and 40 percent of your recommended daily allowance of Vitamin C. Plus, each bottle has 105 milligrams of antioxidants.

Antioxidants are you okay/So, antioxidants are you okay/Are you okay antioxidants/You’ve been hit by/You’ve been struck by/A smooth criminal

Whoo!

Another thing I like about the Snapple Green Apple White Tea is that it’s all-natural, just like me.

No wait, I meant to say, just my nose.

No, that’s plastic.

Um…It’s all natural like my skin.

No, that’s not natural either.

Um…Latoya’s face?

No.

Janet’s boobs?

No.

Jermaine’s Jheri curls?

No.

Having little boys sleep in the same bed with me?

Yeah, that’s it.

Just beat it, (beat it), beat it, (beat it)/No one wants to be defeated/Showin’ how funky strong it’s your fight/It doesn’t matter who’s in my bed tonight/Just beat it

Shomon!


What I like most about the Snapple Green Apple White Tea are the young white tea leaves that help give it a naturally light taste and high antioxidant content.

What is white tea? According to the bottle, “It’s a baby tea leaf that is plucked when it’s young so it’s light in flavor and high in antioxidants.”

I love drinking those delicious young white tea leaves. I love playing with young supple white tea leaves. I love having young white tea leaves over for sleepovers. I love having young white tea leaves sleep in the same bed with me. I also love playing “What’s In Your Mouth?” with young white tea leaves. Hee, hee.

But, if you’re thinkin’ about my baby tea leaves, it don’t matter if they’re black or white

Ho!

(Editor’s Note: Congratulations to Muneer and Misha, who are the winners of this month’s prize drawing. They will each receive a box of Eggo Cereal, which they can use to either feed themselves or the starving children in a small village in a third world country. Thanks to everyone who participated.)

Item: Snapple Green Apple White Tea
Price: $1.69 (17.5 ounces)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Nice light and crisp green apple taste. All-natural. High in antioxidants. No preservatives. Real frickin’ sugar. Pre-Thriller Michael Jackson.
Cons: Decaffeinated. Hee, hee. The game “What’s In Your Mouth?” Sleepovers with Michael Jackson. Post-Thriller Michael Jackson.

Oh yeah! I’d like to rub some EVOO all over you, baby!

Oh! Hi there! I’m just watching the Rachael Ray cooking show 30 Minute Meals on my iPod.

I love my new iPod, not only because it can play videos, hold 7,500 songs, and carry my calendars and contacts, but also because it totally replaced my old Rachael Ray shrine.

If you saw my old Rachael Ray shrine, the first thing you would probably think to yourself is, “Damn! That Rachael Ray shrine must take a lot of time to set up before the ceremonial rubbing of EVOO all over the body can be started.”

You’re totally right about that! Also, my old Rachael Ray shrine took up so much space. First, there was the 11″ x 17″ Rachael Ray collage I made using screenshots from her various television shows. Then there was the OTHER 11″ x 17″ Rachael Ray collage I made by superimposing her head on random body pictures of hot women in bikinis and lingerie.

Then there was the rosemary-scented candles and sage-scented incense. Then there was the bowl where I put the fresh herbs and spices into as an offering to the Rachael Ray shrine. Then I had to get a bottle of EVOO, which as I said before, was used to do the ceremonial rubbing of it all over my body. Finally, there was the DVD player and TV which played one of her DVDs in a continuous loop.

With my new iPod, I can get rid of some of these things. I can break up the collages into individual images and play them in a nice slideshow on my iPod, or with a special cable, I can watch the slideshow on my TV.

As for the DVD player and TV, I can load my 30GB iPod up with every episode of $40 A Day, Rachael Ray’s Tasty Travels, and Inside Dish, but it doesn’t have room for all the episodes of 30 Minute Meals, and it also definitely doesn’t have room for her upcoming syndicated talk show.

Maybe I should’ve gotten the 60GB iPod instead.

However, without all the episodes of 30 Minute Meals, I do have room for more Rachael Ray photos, like that sexy photoshoot she did for FHM. I got one word for that photoshoot…Yum-O. Also, I’ve added some scanned images of her from her cookbooks and her magazine called Everyday with Rachael Ray. How good is that?

The iPod’s screen is bright and sharp, and all the TV shows play smoothly. The 2.5-inch screen was small at first, but I got used to it. There are other features, like games, a stopwatch, and a screen lock, all of which I don’t really use. However, I do use the notes feature to carry Rachael recipes around.

Since my iPod has helped me condense my Rachael Ray shrine, I have some closet space again, which means I now don’t have to keep inflating and deflating the blow up doll I have with a picture of Rachael’s face taped to it. So now I won’t be out of breath when I do my ceremonial extra virgin olive oil body rubbing Rachael Ray chant, which goes like this:

“30 minute meals I will make. I preheat the oven so I don’t have to wait. Got my garbage bowl and EVOO. I’m ready to eat something that’s Yum-O!”

Despite how great my iPod is with condensing my Rachael Ray shrine so that it is good to go, I’ve had some problems with it. First, the iPod scratches too easily. It’s as fragile as Michael Jackson’s face and his will power around little boys. Although the scratches aren’t noticeable when I’m watching videos.

Another concern I have is the battery life when playing only videos. My iPod can play only videos for about two hours, which is enough for only five commercial-free episodes of $40 A Day. So unless I’m near an outlet, I can only get through half of the ceremonial EVOO body rubbing.

The rubbing of my nipples alone takes thirty minutes.

Item: 30GB Apple iPod (5th Generation)
Price: $299
Purchased At: Apple Store
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: It plays music and video. Bright and sharp screen. Thinner than my old iPod. A great Rachael Ray shrine replacement. Holds my calendars and contacts. Notes feature is great for carrying around Rachael Ray recipes. Ceremonial rubbing of EVOO all over my body.
Cons: Scratches damn easy. Not enough space for all the episodes of 30 Minute Meals. Battery life when playing video is short. Need to buy separate power adapter to plug into power outlet.

Have your parents ever tricked you to eat something you didn’t like?

Mine did and that something was liver.

On that fateful day, I knew something was up because I could smell the stench of deceit from my room. It smelled like rotting meat.

I asked my parents what they were cooking for dinner. They told me it was steak. I knew it wasn’t. They told me to eat it. I didn’t want to. They continued to tell me it was steak. I still didn’t believe them. They told me they cooked the steak a different way. I kind of believed them. They told me to try it. I did. They asked me how it was. I spit it out on to my plate to prevent me from throwing up. They told me to put on some ketchup. I knew it wasn’t going to help. They ate it for me. I ate cereal.

Of course, things could’ve been worse. If they tried to make me drink coconut milk by telling me it was regular milk AND feed me peas by telling me they were green Sixlets, that would’ve been the terrible tasting torture trifecta.

From that moment on, everything I thought and believed came crashing down around me.

I soon discovered my parents were Santa, putting the toys into my Christmas stocking. Then I realized my parents were the Tooth Fairy, putting quarters under my pillow. Then I found out that wearing Underoos in the fifth grade was not cool. Then I discovered that knowing New Kids on the Block dance moves did not make me a good dancer.

Oh, if only they had the Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna back in those days, because then my parents would’ve had an easier time trying to trick me to eat something that was healthy for me — and maybe the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus would still be alive in my head and not just in my heart.

The Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna looks like lasagna. It smells like lasagna. It tastes like lasagna. It can stain clothing in a food fight like lasagna. However, there’s no meat in the Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna, just soy products that tastes sort of like meat.

It’s hard to believe the Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna was low-fat and low-cholesterol, because it tasted pretty good. It had a nice little spicy tomato taste and I honestly couldn’t tell there wasn’t any meat in it. Although, the cheese looked like it could be used for Barbie plastic surgery, but it added a little more flavor to the lasagna.

Oh, if only Garfield the cat was real and not a comic strip character created in the mind of Jim Davis, then we would find out if Garfield could tell the difference between the Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Lasagna and the usual meat lasagna.

But then again, Garfield looks like he would eat anything — even liver.

Item: Boca Chunky Tomato & Herb Meatless Lasagna
Price: $4.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Can’t tell there isn’t meat. Low fat. Low cholesterol. Lots of protein.
Cons: A little pricey. Just enough lasagna for a single quasi-product review blog editor. Plastic looking cheese. Liver. Parent trickery. My NKOTB dance moves. The stench of deceit.

Let me tell you, this bottle of Coca-Cola Blãk sucks.

No, no, no. Not the coffee and cola fused Coca-Cola Blãk inside, just the bottle itself sucks.

Why does it suck?

Because I can’t use it in a bar fight.

What good is a glass bottle if I can’t break it and use it as a shiv to stab some guy messing with my woman or when my bitches ain’t payin’ me my money? Also, forget about christening a ship with it.

I made a little video to show you how strong these bottles are. Check out the video here.

Come on, when you got to stab someone with a broken glass bottle, it needs to shatter on the first whack on the edge of the bar, maybe two whacks at the most.

Because if it doesn’t, you’re in danger and you can expect the following things to happen to you: someone stabs you with their own broken glass bottle shiv; someone hits you from behind with a barstool; or your body gets dragged across the bar, clearing everything off of it.

Now you’re probably asking yourself, “Couldn’t he just take someone else’s bottle?” I don’t want to take someone else bottle and shatter it, just to stab someone, because that’s just plain rude, especially if they just opened it. That’s a total waste of alcohol, unless it’s a light beer, then that’s a totally different story, because they may not realize it, but I’m doing a favor for that person I took the light beer bottle from.

The reason why the Coca-Cola Blãk bottle won’t shatter is because there’s this wrapper around it, which has all the fancy graphics and the nutritional information. Coca-Cola could’ve just put a sticker with the fancy graphics on the bottle like every beer does, because beer companies know that beer bottles make great shivs.

Also, you don’t really need nutritional information, because there really isn’t much nutrition in Coca-Cola Blãk. There’s 45 calories, zero grams of fat, 30 milligrams of sodium, 12 grams of carbs, 12 grams of sugar, and zero grams of protein per eight ounce bottle.

That’s another problem with the Coca-Cola Blãk bottle, it’s too damn small. I wish it came in a bigger bottle, because that means more Coca-Cola Blãk and a bigger shiv, unless it shatters and all you have left is the bottleneck, then it doesn’t really matter.

As for the Coca-Cola Blãk itself, it was surprisingly really good. When I opened the bottle there was pleasant spicy and coffee scent, which really grabbed me and punched me in the nose. If I was able to shatter the bottle and stab some guy in the face with it, he would definitely notice that pleasant spicy and coffee scent.

After drinking it, I was surprised by the fact that the coffee taste didn’t overcome the cola. After all, coffee is strong enough to overcome drug sniffing dogs when trying to smuggle cocaine into the country. Also, I was surprised by the lack of the typical coffee bitterness.

Overall, Coca-Cola Blãk definitely creates a very delicious fusion of coffee and cola.

But the bottle still sucks.

(Editor’s Note: The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible if you attempt to shatter the Coca-Cola Blãk bottle and injure yourself due to the bottle shattering or any other accident. The editor of The Impulsive Buy was stupid to try to shatter a glass bottle, so please don’t be stupid.)

(Editor’s Note #2: Hmm…It seems Coca-Cola Blãk is a popular product in the product review blog world today. Go check out Lord Jezo’s review at The Message Whore here. Then go read Tanya’s review at I.Ate.A.Pie.Net here. Then go read TG’s thoughts at NYCE here.)

Item: Coca-Cola Blãk
Price: 50 cents (8-ounces) (it was definitely on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Surprisingly really good. Nice fusion of coffee and cola. Nice spicy and coffee scent. Zero grams of fat. Low calorie. Glass bottles that break on the first whack.
Cons: Small 8-ounce bottle. Glass bottle won’t break, so it can’t be used as a shiv. Quasi-product review blog editors who try to shatter glass bottles. Light beer. Bar fights.

For this month’s prize drawing, I’m going to leggo a few Eggos.

Oh wait. For some reason, that doesn’t sound right.

It sounds either perverted or painful.

Anyway, two lucky readers will each win a box of Eggo Cereal, which The Impulsive Buy reviewed last month. Eggo Cereal is great for those who love waffles, but bad for those who hate spoons.

To enter this month’s prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with the words “Leggo my Eggo” and whatever else you would like to say.

Please fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, I’ll take care of it.

The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Tuesday, April 11, 2006 and stop accepting entries on Sunday, April 16, 2006. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States, US Military APOs, Canada, and Guam. (To the rest of the planet, I’m sorry.)

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam asking if you want to meet later. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you information about seminars that will improve your business relationships. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or you waking up with The King.

I am human.

I have faults, like sometimes not using a plate to eat toast, not wearing underwear because I’m too lazy to do laundry, or always using the handicap restroom stall, even if all the other stalls are empty.

I have idiosyncrasies, like making smiley faces with my fingers on the fogged up doors in the frozen food section of the grocery store and putting stuffed animals in provocative positions whenever I’m in a toy store.

I also have fears.

Believe me, I have many fears. For example, spiders, mutant killer rabbits, Naomi Campbell holding a cell phone, the Whitney Houston’s song “I Will Always Love You,” women who wear jackets with huge shoulder pads, being in the audience of a hip-hop awards show, Scientologists, and rectal thermometers.

However, perhaps my biggest fear right now is waking up with The King.

Not Elvis or B.B. King. I’m talking about this guy on the right.

Can you imagine waking up next to The King with that big smile on his face?

If I were to wake up with The King, the first thing that would pop up in my mind is, “Am I The Queen?” Then the next thing I would wonder is, “Why is The King smiling at me?”

Now when a guy wakes up next to a woman and she has a big smile on her face, that probably means she got some sweet, sweet lovin’. Of course, I’m assuming this because that’s never happened to me. If I were to wake up next to The King with a big smile on his face, all I would hope is that it wasn’t because of sweet, sweet lovin’.

So I am afraid of The King and I feel the only way to prevent me from waking up with The King is to eat breakfast at Burger King. It’s much like how I’ll try products to please the Advertising Gods, so that a product’s irritating commercial will go away.

(Note to self: Remember to pick up Ice Breakers Ice Cubes to help get rid of the Duff sisters Whoa! commercial.)

So recently I tried the new Burger King French Toast Sandwich, which consists of two slices of cinnamon and maple-flavored French Toast bread (which look like hash browns), one folded omelet egg, melted American cheese, and either bacon, ham, or sausage.

The concept is very similar to the popular McGriddles breakfast sandwich from McDonald’s, which uses pancakes instead of French toast. I decided to try the sausage one, since that is the one thing I am not hoping for if I wake up next to The King.

The first thing I noticed about the Burger King French Toast Sandwich was how small it was. It was about four inches in diameter. However, the same can be said about the McGriddles.

The French toast bun wasn’t fluffy like normal French toast, instead it seemed like they were deep fried. Heck, the eggs were fluffier than the French toast bun. As for the taste, I liked it very much. There was a nice combination of sweet and salty with every bite. Unfortunately, because of its size, there weren’t many bites.

So now that I’ve had my Burger King breakfast I hope I won’t be waking up with The King with that big smile on his face. If I do, I really hope he’s smiling because he either put a Sharpie pen mustache on my face or put my hand in warm water while I was asleep.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Sasha_Kitty for letting me know about the BK French Toast Sandwich.)

Item: Burger King French Toast Sandwich
Price: $2.89
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Nice sweet and salty combination. Having a choice between sausage, ham, and bacon. Smiley faces on frozen food section doors.
Cons: Small in size. Waking up next to The King. Spiders, mutant killer rabbits, Naomi Campbell holding a cell phone, the Whitney Houston’s song “I Will Always Love You,” women who wear jackets with overly huge shoulder pads, being in the audience of a hip-hop awards show, Scientologists, and rectal thermometers.

Mmm…Water.

Up to 60 percent of our body is made up of it, it covers over 70 percent of the Earth’s surface, and it’s used in 99 percent of the world’s wet t-shirt contests.

Experts say that we should drink about eight 8-ounce glasses of water per day, which is enough to keep a person well hydrated and enough to have a four minute peeing session. There are so many ways we can get water into our bodies, like our kitchen faucets, bottled water on our store shelves, the water cooler at work, our neighbor’s garden hose, or wringing out t-shirts from a wet t-shirt contest.

However, the water from all those sources taste pretty much the same and sometimes that taste gets a little boring, like doing the missionary position ALL THE TIME.

Just the plain old missionary position, not even with a pillow under her hips to adjust the angle. No doggie style, reverse cowgirl, wild orchid, wheelbarrow, helicopter, playing of the cello, drilling for oil, or fettucini alfredo.

Or blossom flower, butterfly, peace sign, octopus, froggy, Italian chandelier, black bee, threading the needle, camel ride, T-square, or the Seventh Posture of the Perfumed Garden.

Fortunately, there are other beverages we can drink to get the water we need that don’t taste like the missionary position. For example, there’s coffee, tea, soda, sparking water, fruit juice, iced tea, lemonade, beer, milk, hot chocolate, and whatever comes out of Jack Lalanne’s Power Juicer. These are the doggie-style and Italian chandeliers of the beverage world, definitely different and a whole lot more fun.

However, sometimes doing it doggie-style or a helicopter can be either physically tiresome or it involves too much acrobatics, but despite this, we still want a little sweet, sweet lovin’. With the various beverages, sometimes we don’t want the sugar or the caffeine that comes with it, but want something with a little flavor.

Enter Hint Water.

I think the sexual position that best describes Hint Water would be spooning, because it’s simple, slightly different, and satisfying.

Each Hint Water is lightly infused with either a fruit or vegetable flavor, a “hint” of flavor, if you will. Just like the legs and armpits of hippie mountain women, the flavor is all natural.

I tried the cucumber, lime, apple, pear, and peppermint flavors. They were all refreshing. Each of them definitely had a hint of flavor to them, not enough to be considered a juice, but enough to not be considered regular bottled water. The flavors I tried tasted exactly how they should. In other words, they didn’t taste artificial. It’s like they took the soul of each fruit and vegetable and mixed it with the water.

Did I just blow your mind with that line?

Anyway, out of all of the flavors, the peppermint one was surprisingly my favorite.

At about two dollars per 15-ounce bottle, they’re smaller and pricer than 20-ounce bottles of regular bottled water, but if you’re bored with the missionary position and too tired to do anything from the Kama Sutra, I think spooning would be satisfying.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Kara, Hint Water CEO, for sending me sample bottles of Hint Water.)

Item: Hint Water
Price: FREE (Retails for about $2 per bottle)
Purchased at: Received free from Hint Water
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Refreshing. Definitely better than plain old bottled water or water from wet t-shirt contest t-shirts. Peppermint flavor was surprisingly refreshing. No sugar, artificial sweeteners, or calories. No artificial taste. Pretty bottles. All-natural, like hippie mountain women.
Cons: Significantly smaller and pricier than a regular 20-ounce bottled water. Must drink ice cold. Plain old boring missionary position.