REVIEW: Cocaine Energy Drink

Cocaine Energy Drink

I NEED A YAK RIGHT NOW, SO I CAN WRESTLE IT!

There’s been a lot of hype surrounding the new Cocaine Energy Drink, which doesn’t contain any illegal cocaine, but supposedly does try to recreate some of the feelings one would receive after doing a few lines of yeyo, which is Kate Moss’ favorite past time. For the past few hours, I’ve been feeling — and yelling — the effects of it.

I AM WOMAN! HEAR ME ROAR!

The makers of Cocaine Energy Drink claim that it has 350 times more energy than Red Bull, giving drinkers energy that lasts for up to five hours, and doesn’t make you crash after those five hours are up. With 280 milligrams of caffeine per 8.4 ounce can, it almost has three times the amount of caffeine in a can of Red Bull. I’m typing this at 3 o’clock in the morning and I’m frickin’ wired.

ROMY AND MICHELE’S HIGH SCHOOL REUNION IS THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER!

Although, I don’t know if the wired feeling I’m having is because of the 280 milligrams of caffeine, 750 milligrams of taurine, 100 milligrams of inositol, B vitamins, 50 milligrams of L-Carnitine, 250 milligrams of D-Ribose, and 25 milligrams of guarana, or because of the slight burning sensation in my mouth, throat, and chest. I didn’t even drink half of the can yet.

I’M WALKING ON SUNSHINE, WOOAH! I’M WALKING ON SUNSHINE, WOOAH! I’M WALKING ON SUNSHINE, WOOAH! AND DON’T IT FEEL GOOD!

After opening the can, there’s a definite cherry scent to it and after the first sip I took it had kind of lame cherry flavor to it, but once the burning/numbing feeling started in my mouth and throat, all sips after that didn’t really have a taste to them. It was like the Cocaine Energy Drink numbed my taste buds. But once the burning/numbing feeling went away, I could taste the cherry flavor again.

I’M A LITTLE TEA POT SHORT AND STOUT! HERE IS MY HANDLE! HERE IS MY SPOUT! WHEN I GET ALL STEAMED UP HEAR ME SHOUT! TIP ME OVER AND POUR ME OUT!

The burning/numbing feeling is not the only weird effect I’m having with the Cocaine Energy Drink. On several occasion, while sipping from the can, I would cough for some strange reason. Once in awhile my heart feels like it’s going to explode. Also, my nose feels runny.

I AM XENA, WARRIOR PRINCESS! AI YAI YAI YAI YAI YAI!

Earlier in the day, I decided to drink about a third of a can before I went for my afternoon jog, since there have been studies that show caffeine has an effect on athletic performance. It turned out to be one of best jogging sessions I’ve had in awhile.

I AM A NIPPLE AND I AM TOTALLY PERKY RIGHT NOW!

I just finished the 8.4-ounce can of Cocaine Energy Drink, but I didn’t drink it at a normal pace. I’ve been nursing it for over three hours and I finally finished it by mixing it with some vodka, which turned out all right. I have three cans of Cocaine Energy Drink left, but I don’t think I’ll be drinking them for a while, because I’m tired of yelling.

NICKLEBACK AND CREED ARE THE GREATEST BANDS EVER!

Item: Cocaine Energy Drink
Price: $17.50 (for 4 cans – not including shipping)
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Definitely gave me energy. Loaded with caffeine. Doesn’t contain high fructose corn syrup. Decent with vodka. Supposedly there’s no energy crash. Helped with my afternoon jog.
Cons: Overhyped. Doesn’t taste very good. Burning/numbing effect. No yaks around to wrestle. Had to buy them off of eBay. Caused coughing, heart exploding feeling, and a runny nose feeling. Creed and Nickleback. Yelling nonsense.

The Shopping Cart #4

The Shopping Cart takes a quick look at things that I’ve bought, but am too lazy to write a full review for.

What I’m Addicted To That Comes From Thailand, But Isn’t Heroin or Male Prostitutes

When I think of Thailand, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t, I wonder many things, mostly its popularity as a sex tourism destination and if it’s a great place to get Thai spicy eggplant in garlic sauce.

Recently, Thailand pineapples have been on my mind, because I’ve been eating a lot of bags of the Mariani Pineapple Tango, which are dried mango-flavored Thailand pineapples. According to the all-knowing, but sometimes incorrect, Wikipedia, Thailand is a major exporter in the world rice market, and it’s also a big producer of tapioca, rubber, grain, sugar, and pineapples. It’s also a major importer of middle-aged, creepy, horny Caucasian men, looking to be loved long time.

Although the Mariani Pineapple Tango has an artificial mango taste, it tastes pretty gosh darn good. It looks like dried mango, tastes like dried mango, but it’s not mango, which sounds like some of the prostitutes in Thailand, which look like a woman, smell like a woman, but it’s not a woman.

With no fat, no cholesterol, and two grams of dietary fiber, it makes for a somewhat healthy snack. But the 25 grams of sugar per serving is a good reason to eat the Mariani Pineapple Tango with moderation. However, if you’re on a sex tour in Thailand, please do not use condoms in moderation, because where you go, is probably where dozens, possibly hundreds, have already been.

At $3.49, it’s a little pricey for a six-ounce bag of dried fruits here in the United States, but in Thailand that same $3.49 will get you a $3.49 hooker, unless it’s a male hooker, then it costs wayyyy more.

How do I know this?

Um….Wikipedia?

What I’m Eating That I Wish I Weren’t Eating

There are times that I regret being a quasi-product review blog editor.

One of those times happened after trying the Limited Edition Lucerne Chai Latte Light Yogurt, which I purchased from Safeway for 60 cents. After being disgusted by its horribly gross tangy spicy taste, I thought about walking away from the quasi-product review blog game, because I didn’t know whether my taste buds or my stomach could handle the punishment of another shitty product.

But after recovering from said shitty product, I thought if I’m not around to protect the innocent from horrible products, then who will?

Who will?

At first I thought the Limited Edition Lucerne Chai Latte Light Yogurt would be decent because its smell kind of reminded me of egg nog. However, a spoonful later, I really felt like gagging and going to the bathroom to pray to the porcelain gods.

As you can see on the packaging, it says “Chai Latte with other natural flavors.” I tried to figure out what those “natural flavors” were by dipping my spoon into the yogurt again and again, trying to consume as little yogurt as possible. Believe it or not, the taste was actually familiar to me and I began going through all the “natural” things I’ve put in my mouth over the years, including tree bark, pine cones, grass, dirt, leaves, twigs, and berries.

As I continued to ponder what was so familiar about the taste of the Limited Edition Lucerne Chai Latte Light Yogurt, I noticed the car air freshener that my friend Lana gave to me, which says, “Donating Blood Makes ‘Scents’” After the hamster in my head started running in its wheel, I quickly realized that the horrible spicy Chai Latte yogurt tasted almost exactly like how that car air freshener smells.

Sure it’s fat-free, has low-cholesterol, low-sugar, is a decent source of calcium, and contains live and active cultures, but it’s also got Splenda and it tastes like a car air freshener. I bought two of them, but both will be either thrown away or given to my worst enemy in a brown paper bag and set on fire on their doorstep.

Firefox 2.0

Firefox 2

Recently, a new version of Firefox, one of the most popular web browsers, was released into the wild. TIB was fortunate enough to sit down with Firefox and discuss the new version. Unfortunately, I don’t speak fox, so a translator was brought in.

Marvo: Aww. Awwoooo.

Firefox: Grrrr!!!

Firefox’s Translator: I’m a fox, not a fuckin’ wolf!

Marvo: Sorry about that. Anyway, Firefox 2.0 was recently “released into the wild,” how excited are you to be finally out there for the public?

Firefox: Grrrr!!! Grrrr!!! Yap. Yap. Bark. Yap. Bark. Yap.

Firefox’s Translator: – Oh. “Released into the wild,” like I’ve never heard that one before, you unoriginal bastard. Anyway, I’ve been downloaded over 200 million times and I’m totally excited about all the new features available.

Marvo: So what are some of the new features?

Firefox: Grrrr!!!! Grrrr!!! Bark. Bark. Yap. Yap. Bark. Yap. Yap. Bark. Bark.

Firefox’s Translator: I was just about to get into the new features until I was rudely interrupted. Who are you? Bill O’Reilly? Now where was I? Oh yes. First off, there’s improved tabbed browsing. By default, I will open links in new tabs instead of cluttering your monitor with new windows. Each tab will also have a close tab button.

Marvo: I like having a close tab button on each tab, just like in Apple’s browser, Safari.

Firefox: Grrrr!!! Grrrr!!! Ptwooie!!!

Firefox’s Translator: Safari…whatever! I can chew up Safari and spit it out. Ptwooie!!!!

Firefox: Yap. Yap. Bark. Yap. Yap. Yap. Bark. Bark. Bark. Bark. Yap. Bark. Yap.

Firefox’s Translator: You can also scroll through all your tabs, which is perfect for all the porn sites you visit, Marvo.

Marvo: What? Porn? Me? No.

Firefox: Grrrr!!! Bark. Grrrr!!! Yap.

Firefox’s Translator: I’m Firefox and I know what you’ve been downloading.

Marvo:: Whatever. Anyway, one of my favorite new features is Session Restore, which restores all the tabs and downloads in-progress after a crash or if you need to be restarted for any reason.

Firefox: Grrrr!!! Bark. Bark. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap. Yap.

Firefox’s Translator: Crash? If you didn’t visit so many porn sites, like Asian Persuasion, Asian Babes, Asian Angels, Asian Happy Fun Time, Asian College Girls, Asian Ecstasy, Asian Girls, Asian Funhouse, Asian Pleasure, Asian Beauty, Big Asian Girls, Asian Grandmas, Asian Hos, Busty Asians, Asian Dreams, Asian Booty, Asian MILFs, Asian Holes, Asian Gratification, Asian Massage Parlor, Asian Office Workers, Asian Love, Asian Bondage, and Big Asian Dudes, I probably wouldn’t crash at all.

Marvo: You must be mistaken about all those sites, especially Big Asian Dudes.

Firefox: Grrrr!!!

Firefox’s Translator: Really?

Marvo: Anyway, another feature that I like is the built-in spell check, which comes in really handy when I’m leaving comments at other blogs.

Firefox: Yap. Yap.

Firefox’s Translator: Porn blogs?

Marvo: Geez, forget about the porn already! Don’t make me get Bob Barker to get you spayed or neutered.

Firefox: Grrrr!!!

Firefox’s Translator: Bring it, Sperm Sprayer!!!

Marvo: Let’s just finish this interview. One feature that I probably won’t use much, but could see being useful for my parents is the built-in phishing protection. Identity theft is a big problem and hopefully it will help the less educated from becoming victims. Can you tell us a little about it?

Firefox: Yap.

Firefox’s Translator: By default, phishing protection is on, and what it does is warn users if they have visited a possible phishing site, like a fake eBay, Paypal, or online banking site that someone could visit through a fake bank email, Nigerian scam email, or hot girl-on-girl email.

Marvo: One of my favorite things about you is the ability to add extensions and themes to enhance the Firefox experience. My favorite extensions are EditCSS, which allows me to preview cosmetic changes I make to TIB, and Download Statusbar, which is great for seeing the progress of large downloads.

Firefox: Yap.

Firefox’s Translator: Like porn?

Marvo: Enough with the porn. Anyway, there have been many additions to you, but none of them seem really revolutionary, more evolutionary. Tabbed browsing which was revolutionary in Firefox 1.0, is now better, and the same can be said of how you handle RSS feeds. Overall, you’re still a very solid web browser and I hope you continue to get better.

(Editor’s Note: If you’d like to download Firefox 2.0, go to Spreadfirefox.com. Also, TIB reviewed Firefox 1.0 a few years ago. You can read that review here. Warning: If you’re easily offended by corn, please do not click the link.)

Item: Firefox 2.0
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Downloaded at Spreadfirefox.com
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Still a fast browser. Better management of tabs. Session restore. Built-in spell check. Phishing protection. Extensions and themes.
Cons: New features seem more evolutionary rather than revolutionary. Foxes and wolves don’t really sound alike. Downloading on dial-up will take awhile. Some extensions and themes might need to upgraded to use with Firefox 2.0.

KFC Famous Bowl

BRING IT, GRIM REAPER!!! YOU AIN’T GONNA BRING ME DOWN WITH YOUR SCYTHE!!!

I’ve been feeling invincible since the earthquake the other week that rocked these rocks in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Sure, there weren’t any serious injuries, but it felt like death was coming to my door, but I just slammed the door in its face, like it was an insurance salesman, trick-or-treater, Jehovah’s Witness, or Girl Scout.

Although having twelve hours without electricity felt like death, since I was extremely bored and forced to do things like read a book. Also, don’t get me started on taking a dump in the dark because it’s hard to see if you wiped enough.

Ever since then, I’ve been doing crazy things to try and cheat death.

On Tuesday, I drank a cola and ate Pop-Rocks AT THE SAME TIME, but it didn’t blow up my stomach like I was Star Jones at a Thanksgiving buffet.

On Wednesday, I called 1-900-BIG-BUTY and 1-900-HOT-MILF from my cell phone while pumping gas and it didn’t blow up the entire gas station.

On Thursday, I chanted “Bloody Mary” thirteen times in my dark bathroom facing the mirror and I didn’t get my face ripped off by Bloody Mary. Actually, she appeared, but I scared her away when I used this poem to try and pick her up, “Blood is red, my balls are blue. Love making between a human and ghost is not taboo.”

On Friday, I played Black Sabbath albums backwards, but I didn’t hear the Satanic messages that would make me want to kill myself, bite the head off of a bird, or buy a Kelly Osbourne album.

On Saturday, I played Paris Hilton’s album forward, but her breathy singing voice also didn’t make me want to kill myself. Although I will admit that I had thoughts of ignoring the old saying that you shouldn’t put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear.

On Sunday, I tried the not-so-new-although-they’re-advertising-them-as-new KFC Famous Bowl, which consists of 690 calories, 31 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 4.5 grams of trans fat and 2,110 milligrams of sodium. Basically, it’s a possible acute myocardial infarction in a five-inch diameter and two inch-deep plastic bowl.

Oh, but what a tasty possible acute myocardial infarction in a plastic bowl it is. The combination of a generous serving of cream mashed potatoes, a layer of sweet corn, bite-sized pieces of crispy chicken, three shredded cheeses, and KFC’s signature home-style gravy dumped on top, is dangerously delicious.

Along with it’s great taste, another good thing about the KFC Famous Bowl was the plastic spork and its six grams of dietary fiber. Although the 4.5 grams of really bad trans fat probably negates it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go eat a spinach salad.

(Editor’s Note: If there aren’t any reviews after this one, please split my belongings among my three siblings. Also, I’d like a 24-carat solid gold urn.)

Item: KFC Famous Bowl
Price: $5.29 (combo)
Purchased at: KFC
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Dangerously delicious. Filling. Six grams of dietary fiber. The spork. Love making between a human and ghost is not taboo. 1-900-BIG-BUTY and 1-900-HOT-MILF.
Cons: Totally unhealthy. 4.5 grams of trans fat. The corn seemed unnecessary. I probably won’t eat it ever again. Strange people who come to your door. Playing Paris Hilton’s album forward.

3 Musketeers & Milky Way Slammers

Copying, cloning, imitating…it seems so easy to do, because it is.

Xeroxing your ass at work, Dolly the Sheep, shitty boy bands, and the midterm exams of anyone who sat next to me in my physics, chemistry, and math classes in college are all examples of how easy it is to copy things. Although, I have to admit that I earned C’s and D’s in my physics, chemistry, and math classes, so I apparently sat next to the wrong people.

Sometimes copying is so easy that you can cut and paste a review from a quasi-product review blog, add your own lame comments, and then claim you wrote the whole damn thing by yourself.

(Editor’s Note: There was a link for the comment above, but I decided to remove it, since he admitted to it and apologized. To be honest, he actually seems like pretty decent guy. So all is good.)

Without copying, imitating, plagiarism and Cliff Notes, I probably wouldn’t have my English degree.

Now if it’s so easy copy things, why is it that these 3 Musketeers and Milky Way Slammers don’t really taste much like actual 3 Musketeers and Milky Way candy bars. I tested it by drinking a swig of a Slammers and then took a bite from the candy bar it was supposed to imitate. They both taste good as chocolate milks, but neither one came really close to tasting like their solid brethren.

It’s sort of like Tito Jackson not being able to match the success, weirdness, and child molestation charges of his brother Michael.

I don’t know about the Milky Way Slammers, but as for the 3 Musketeers Slammers, I think there’s only one reason why it doesn’t really taste like a 3 Musketeer candy bar.

That reason is Splenda, which has been the reason for the war in Iraq, Scientology, Jen and Brad breaking up, spam emails, freeway traffic, white guys who act black, holes in the ozone layer, AFLAC commercials, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, internet porn addiction, Limp Bizkit cover bands, welfare abuse, Madonna adopting children, the lack of laws to protect copyrights in China, my hairy palms, why rappers keep getting shot, dropped calls on cell phones, spinning rims, and for some reason it’s the catalyst that makes me dance when I hear the Duran Duran song, “The Reflex.”

The one thing that surprised me about both the 3 Musketeers and Milky Way Slammers is the fact that they don’t need to be refrigerated, despite containing milk. Of course, after you open it, it is necessary to refrigerate what you don’t drink.

I don’t know about you, but that’s scary AND exciting. It’s as scary and exciting as placing an ad in the “Curious” section of your local alternative newspaper.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Matt Freeman from Edelman for sending me the free samples. Tanya at I.ATE.A.PIE.NET also reviewed the Milky Way Slammers last year. Oh yeah, TIB reviewed the Starburst Slammers last year. That one I didn’t get free.)

Item: 3 Musketeers & Milky Way Slammers
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received from PR Firm
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tastes good as regular chocolate milk. Vitamins and minerals, but not really significant amounts. No child molesting for Tito Jackson. Despite it being made with milk, it doesn’t need to be refrigerated until after opening it or if you want it cold. Low and reduced fat.
Cons: Really doesn’t taste like the actual candy bars they’re named after. Everything Splenda is responsible for. Jacko. Placing an ad in the “Curious” section of your local alternative newspaper.