Tylenol GoTabs

Do you suffer from headaches caused by your child’s desire to watch the same frickin’ Barney DVD EVERY SINGLE DAY and because of it the only thing you hear in your head during the quiet moments of your day is an internal verbal tapping of your forehead consisting of Barney singing the lyrics, “I love you. You love me. We’re a happy family. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you. Won’t you say you love me too” in a seemingly never-ending loop which feels like those lyrics are being tattooed on the frontal lobe of your brain?

Or do you have menstrual cramps that are compounded by your boyfriend/husband/life partner’s inability to understand the pain and wave of emotions you’re feeling, their inconsiderate desire for a BJ to release their sexual tension since you’re not riding his boystick, and their total inability to realize that the chocolate they are too lazy to buy for you will help you cope with the pain?

You could let nature take its course and wait for the throbbing pain to subside, but just like all Mel Gibson-directed movies, natural healing can take a lot longer than we really want. Thank goodness for drugs, which can relieve pain quicker than liquor and in either pill, injectable, or enema form.

If you suffer from any of the aches and pains listed above, perhaps Tylenol GoTabs could be your tiny savior in chewable tablet form. Each of the Tylenol GoTabs has 500 milligrams of acetaminophen magic to temporarily dull the unpleasant sensations you have so that you don’t have to worry about the pain anymore and can concentrate on important things, like setting up an eBay listing for that frickin’ Barney DVD and sell it to some poor unknowing sucker who will experience the pain you went through.

Since they’re kind of inexpensive, you’ll think about adding a box of Tylenol GoTabs with the eBay listing to help with the pain the winning bidder will experience after a week of listening to a stupid purple dinosaur sing songs about manners and family, but you’ll give it a second thought and decide that the pain experienced will make the bidder a better parent and help them realize that perhaps the minivan with the DVD player in the ceiling isn’t the best idea.

Personally, Tylenol GoTabs helped me recently when I found myself as a passenger in a car driven by a fanatical tone deaf American Idol fan who likes to sing at the top of her lungs and has an iPod full of nothing but songs by anyone who’s appeared on the show, including William Hung. If you ever find yourself in that situation, two Tylenol GoTabs will help with the headache caused by their horrible singing and the pain you’ll experience when you jump out of their moving car to escape their horrible singing.

The two Tylenol GoTabs helped relieve my headache pain within twenty minutes, but not the nightmares of Carrie Underwood I’ve had since. Since they’re chewable I didn’t need to drink water with them, but I wish I did because they’re very chalky, like an equally-sized Tums antacid. Its minty flavor was much better than the bitterness of regular aspirins, but definitely wasn’t good enough to freshen breath.

So the next time you’re in the middle of nowhere and have muscular aches that are the result you trying to prove numerous consecutive times that you can do that Kid ‘n Play dance move that involves jumping over your leg with your other leg, but instead you end up tripping over yourself and falling on the hard floor time and time again, making Kid’s hi-top fade hairstyle drop and sag in disappointment, a couple of Tylenol GoTabs will help ease the pain, but not the shame.

Item: Tylenol GoTabs
Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Longs Drugs
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Chewable. Minty. 500 milligrams of pain relieving goodness in each tablet. Portable. Kind of inexpensive. Relieves pain within 20 minutes. Getting rid of Barney DVDs on eBay. The sadistic joy you’ll receive from knowing someone is suffering from the Barney DVD you just sold them on eBay.
Cons: Barney. Only six tablets per pack. Barney. Chalky. Barney. Still need water to consume to get rid of chalkiness. Barney. Unable to relieve shame. Barney. An iPod full of nothing but songs by American Idol contestants and hopefuls. Barney. Menstrual cramps. Barney.

21 thoughts on “Tylenol GoTabs

  1. Wow, an Ipod-full of American Idol songs. I think I would have jumped out into traffic, even if I was travelling at 75 MPH in heavy traffic. Either that, or started using heroin. Unfortunately, heroin isn’t available in chewable tablet form.

  2. Super! I can deal with the chalkiness if that means that I can treat my husband-induced headaches anywhere without hunting down a water fountain.

  3. “If you’re an adult or a child over the age of twelve, each of the Tylenol GoTabs has 500 milligrams of acetaminophen magic…”

    So how many milligrams are there if you are a child of 9? =)

    Sorry – the pain of Barney signing in my head made me do it.

  4. Let the rain fall down and wake my dreams!
    Let it wash away my sanity!
    ‘Cause I wanna feel the thunder, I wanna scream!
    Let the rain fall down
    I’m coming clean, I’m coming clean

    Oh wait…Hilary Duff was never on American Idol, was she? Sorry for the headache, Marvo, but the music lives inside me.

  5. I’m sorry, but for the really bad ass menstrual cramps you need a cocktail of a 200mg Ibuprofen and 200mg Naproxen Sodium. The first is because it kicks in faster, the second is because it lasts longer. My angry uterus laughs in the face of acetaminophen. Chocolate and caffeine do help also. Boyfriends bitching about “just cause you can’t get any doesn’t mean I should have to suffer” do not.

  6. You’re clearly making the Barney thing up, marvo.

    Everyone knows that upon the tenth repeat of a Barney DVD, your brainwaves start to change and you find yourself inexplicably humming along with the rest of the Barney hivemind, no matter what your Barney stance was originally.

    Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

  7. Did you say “Go, go gadget tabs!” while rippin’ into the box and chowin’ down? No? I’m sure you’ll have another chance soon.

    Too bad they don’t freshen breath while curing headaches. I need that kind of convergence in my life. And if it’s important to me, then it is to you, too.

  8. Johnson and Johnson keeps pushing the envelope is getting us completely addicted to their product. First they make Tylenol PM into a pleasant vanilla scented pill (who the hell needs their pills to have a scent and flavor? You swallow them whole!) and now they make the daytime stuff into a wonderful to eat mint tablet. I can’t wait for the Tylenol Slow Release Skin Patch that will give us the ease and convenience of Tylenol in a simple set it and forget it fashion. It’s coming, I know it.

    So evil.

  9. Now all you need to test are the chewable birth control tablets. :D

    All kidding aside.. maybe it’s all these energy drinks you review? :p caffeine gives me a headache.

    How is match.com going?

  10. Lord Jezo – It would be like a Tylenol-Ronco joint venture – the Set It and Forget It Ultimate Pain Reliver. And if you call and order in the next 10 minutes they’ll give you free shipping, make one of your payments, double your order and throw in a set of steak knives.

    I’ve got to get Ron Popeil on this one. Fantastic idea!

  11. Chuck – If you really wanted to you could probably chew heroin.

    Peachy – I think hunting a water fountain also helps with husband-induced headaches, because it takes you farther away from your husband.

    Clevegal42 – Yes, that was part of a paragraph that went horribly wrong and it involves priests.

    Abi Jones – Two for the headache and the rest are waiting for the day when I accidently find myself at a GWAR concert.

    Webmiztris – I think it really depends on the shoes you’re wearing and how much you weigh.

    Ace N. – If the music lives inside of you, don’t ever let it come out. Keep it there…forever.

    Genny – I am glad I am not a woman.

  12. Wednesday – No, I will not be assimilated. I’m going to go back in time and protect John Connor so he can lead the resistance against Barney.

    Sep – Mmm…Diarrhea. Cha-cha-cha.

    Domokun – You could chew gum and chew on a Tylenol GoTab at the same time.

    Lord Jezo – I wonder if you stick the patch on your forehead it will make a headache go away faster.

    Rukia – Match.com??? It’s going…that’s all. Been on a couple of meetings. Nothing to really talk about yet.

    Josie – You could totally chew one while in the middle of a run. That’s convenience!

  13. Actually, 2 bucks for 3000 milligrams of acetominophin is a pretty weak deal.6 in a box? You can get a bottle of like 100 generic non-chewables for about 4 dollars.But I suppose that’s the point,isn’t it; theyre not chewable. Meh, I’ll just chew some gum and swallow pills with minty saliva like I’ve already been doing for years anytime I’m without water.

  14. Frankly and a few months (heck, days even) of Barney DVDs on repeat, who needs water?! The pain in your head is not going to wait for you to find a beverage, or for your favorite painkiller to come out with chewable versions. Be a man (er woman) and dry swallow those pills!

  15. zac – Oooh, the rattling of non-chewables in a bottle. It makes me feel like a drug dealer.

    Barb – Despite my heterosexual deep throating abilities, I don’t swallow pills very well.

  16. And I would chew one…except like Pringles, who can stop at just one? I’d need two, four…no ten! I’d stop running and just demand more ‘yummy pain killers’ before I took another step. No no…gotta stay away. Must stay away.

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