Oh, wook at the wittle doggie on the packaging for the Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E.

Who’s a cute, wittle doggie? You’re a cute, wittle doggie. Yes you are. You wike to wick my nose with your wittle tongue, don’cha. You wook so soft and cuddwy, wittle doggie. If you were here I would use your soft wittle fur to wipe my warge ass.

Don’t bewieve me? Just ask the Snuggle bear.

How could I not buy toilet paper with a cute, wittle doggie on its packaging? It’s hard for me to resist things with cute doggie woggies on them. It’s the reason why I’ve got an unused bag of Puppy Chow, a whole lot of Clifford the Big Red Dog books, every sheet from the 365 Puppies A Year tear-away daily desk calendar from the last five years, and why the website Daily Puppy is at the top of my RSS feed reader.

I was hoping that the Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E would be soft and fluffy like the fur of that cutsy wootsy doggie woggie on its plastic wrapper or the lyrics of Jewel song. I was also expecting it would be so soft that I would intentionally eat Ex-Lax just so I could use it more.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t as soft as a doggie woggie, but it felt as good as my usual two-ply Costco toilet paper I get in the über 36-pack that takes me over a year to go through, even after my annual tradition of dressing up as a mummy.

Like Ruffles potato chips or Jabba the Hut’s chin, each sheet of the Cottonelle Toilet Paper has ridges. I thought it glided better over my bunghole compared with other toilet papers I’ve used. I don’t know if the aloe and vitamin E had something to do with reducing roughness, but if they did, I need a shirt made with aloe and vitamin E so that my nipples don’t chafe when I go running. Sure, I enjoy rubbing the Neosporin on them afterwards, but overall, raw nipples aren’t fun.

Oh, if only I were rich or in Europe, I would have a bidet. Or even better, if I were rich, I would be wiping my ass with either the finest Asian silks, 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, or $100 bills. Although, now that I think about it, money can be just as dirty as an Amy Winehouse heroin needle and it’s a pain to wash fine Asian silks. I think I’ll settle for two-ply toilet paper.

Unfortunately, the Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E is only one ply. The one ply is thick, but just like Jabba the Hutt, it choked when around my “Great Pit of Carkoon.” It tore in non-perforated areas often while ripping away sheets from the roll and while cleaning my undercarriage. This is not acceptable because I didn’t want to accidently have my finger slide up into me. If I’m going to have a finger slide into me, I want it to be the finger of someone I paid to do so.

Unless it starts packaging an actual cute wittle doggie woggie with it, I don’t think the Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E is worth it. It’s one ply, seems to tear easily, is just as soft as the two-ply stuff I get from Costco, and is pricey per roll. The aloe and vitamin E do seem to add less roughness to the toilet paper, but unless you have a bad case of diarrhea or get OCD when it come to wiping your ass, you probably won’t really notice it.

Item: Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E
Price: $6.37 (12 rolls)
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Cute wittle puppy on the front. Sewer and septic system safe. Aloe and vitamin E do seem to make paper less rough. Clifford the Big Red Dog. Rubbing Neosporin on nipples. Daily Puppy.
Cons: Seems to tear easily. One ply. Pricey for the amount of rolls. Their “double rolls” look like normal rolls. Paying more than $100 to have someone slide a finger into me.

The night started off innocently enough. But then again, so did OJ Simpson’s acting career. I looked in the mirror and declared that I would stay cool. You don’t want to do anything crazy at a Halloween party. You never know what can happen once you get going. Or what you will buy.

After hitting the dance floor, I soon found myself with a cute girl in a skimpy tiger costume. After adjusting her beer goggles with a few drinks, I decided to try out a few of my patented moves. I went for the Wisconsin Bulldog and the Orange Creamsicle, but had my hand knocked away when I went for the Magic Bullet. I briefly thought to myself, “Does enjoying this make me a furry?” but then proceeded to get my groove on. I soon realized that I dance the same way I make love…very, very awkwardly.

One thing led to another and I ended up in her place with a massive hangover. I had no idea about what had gone on since we were last on the dance floor.

“Did we…did we do it?” I asked, hoping that I totally did it with her.

“Uhh…no,” she said. “Don’t you remember? You said you’d rather go shopping for food. Kept mumbling something about becoming god of all internet reviewers and the dancing queen.”

“Well, that does sound like something I’d do,” I remarked. “But then why am I naked and handcuffed to the bed?”

“I’m not sure, I left you alone after we came back,” she answered.

Hmm…she had a point. That is how I sleep every night. But I wish she hadn’t seen me like this. After I freed myself, I figured that I might as well raid the fridge. I needed something substantial to keep my head from throbbing. What I found was more than I was prepared to handle…

“Oh…my…god…What the fuck is this?!” I asked.

“I don’t know, I think you bought it,” she replied.

I stared at the box and slowly shook my head. Son of a bitch, I even hate myself when I’m on a drunken food purchase binge! I either secretly want to kill myself or have become such a diabolical genius that I went insane. This bowl was by far the scariest thing I had seen all weekend.

It was an unholy bowl of bacon, eggs, potatoes, and cheese — all mixed together so you can eat it like the failure that Jimmy Dean thinks you are. Did I mention that there’s a lot of fucking bacon in this thing? There’s like a ridiculous, enough-salt-to-melt-an-iceberg amount? I couldn’t really imagine ingesting it, but I didn’t have many options. It was either this or some ramen flavor packets that she had saved up. Seeing as it is Halloween season, I figured that I had a duty to myself and for the fine readers to indulge my morbid curiosity.

This bowl has no practical reason for existing other than as a product of a dare at some marketing department, so I tried to alleviate my fears by thinking the situation through. I’m sure it had to be quality tested. Some tasters actually had to survive long enough to give this thing the thumbs up. And at a mere 8 ounces, it didn’t seem like much of a meal. It couldn’t make me feel that bad, right? This was all before realizing that it would be healthier if I ate a tub of Crisco.

I eventually got around to microwaving this bad boy and watched it rotate for the full 3 minutes. By minute two, the air had been permeated by the nauseating scent of grease and cheese. I opened the plastic film to take in the beauty of the bowl’s contents. Oh, did I say beauty? I meant brain-exploding hideousness. The cheese had ceased to resemble anything appetizing and clung to the eggs like melted plastic. The potatoes had the glossy shine of a mint condition baseball card. The eggs were essentially pieces of yellow Styrofoam tossed together with chopped bacon.

This is the breakfast that 8-year-old children cook for their mothers’ birthdays. They fumble around in the kitchen, throw everything together, and then microwave the shit out of it so they can serve breakfast in bed. The mom will take two bites and make an exaggerated “mmm…” sound while vigorously rubbing her stomach. The child will then run off and laugh as she proceeds to dump the contents of the bowl in a trash can and begins to manually induce vomiting.

I tried a few bites. It was strange, but it wasn’t completely awful. Salty, greasy, and stiff, but still kind of edible. I’ve probably had worse breakfasts. I’m not sure why I’d pay $2.99 for this when I could have a small, possibly mentally challenged child make me the same thing at a fraction of the cost. As I was trying to justify my purchase, however, I started to wonder why I was suddenly nauseous.

The back of the box had my answer. Hmm…33 grams of fat, 1490 mg of sodium, 132% of my daily cholesterol allowance. Why don’t they include a complimentary vial of poison while they’re at it? And why exactly is an individual serving of a meal allowed to exceed 100% of something that can kill me? Well, at least it has 2 grams of fiber so I can stay regular after I collapse face first as I suffer a heart attack trying to walk down at set of stairs at school. Maybe I’ll wake up naked in a hospital bed with handcuffs on. That won’t be weird at all.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 Bowl – 520 calories, 33 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 395 mg of cholesterol, 1490mg sodium, 21 grams of carbs, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 30 grams of protein, 20% Vitamin A, 6% Vitamin C, 25% Calcium, and 15% Iron)

Item: Jimmy Dean Bacon Breakfast Bowl
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Stater Brothers
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Not completely inedible. The possibility of getting laid at Halloween parties. When children are thoughtful even when they are incompetent.
Cons: Horrible mixture of horrible-for-you foods. Food gets overcooked and therefore stiff after microwave nuking. Enough cholesterol to kill you 1.32 times in a day. Not getting laid at Halloween parties. Waking up naked with handcuffs and not finding it unusual.

To choose the winners for TIB’s Third Anniversary Prize Drawing I thought about dunking my head into a cooler of ice water and use my teeth to pull out the email addresses of those who entered the drawing. I thought about making a gigantic Jello mold with slips of paper with numbers on them, tying my arms together behind my back, digging through the Jello with only my mouth, and pulling out random numbers. I also thought about stripping naked, covering my body with honey, blindfolding myself, stand in front of a fan, throw the email addresses of those who entered the prize drawing at the fan, causing them to blow in my direction and stick onto my body, and then peeling off the winners. In the end, I decided to do something simple. I just randomly picked numbers out of a hat…naked.

So here are the winners.

$25 Threadless Gift Certificate

Comment 124 – EM
Comment 29 – Cass
Comment 130 – Matt Miller

3 Month eMusic Subscription

Comment 76 – The Lazy Canadian
Comment 95 – Rachel
Comment 106 – Onaka suita!

$30 iTunes Gift Certificate

Comment 161 – Lisa
Comment 113 – Rylan
Comment 182 – luckinflux

Congratulations to all the winners! Thanks to everyone who participated!

Hey, y’all. It’s your girl Britney Spears.

I bet y’all have been hearing some things about me in the media and I just want to say for the record that I did do those things, but I want to let y’all know that I’m trying to live a regular, normal life, y’all. I just want to live a regular life with my mom, dad, little sister, dogs, house, bodyguards, maids, butlers, dancers, publicist, and assistants.

Oh, and my two kids. I kind of forgot about them, since I don’t see them much anymore, y’all.

I-I-I just want to be a regular person, like y’all. I want to know what it’s like to have the wind blow across my skin. I want to know what it’s like to love and be loved…Wait a sec, those would make crackin’ lyrics for another album, y’all. I think I’m going to call this song, “I’m Not Yo Bitch No More.”

Yeaaaaa, I’m not yo bitch no more. What do I need you for? I’m not yo bitch noooooo mooore.

Damn, y’all. I need to get into a studio and record that.

Anyway, because I want to be a regular person, I’ve been trying to eat alot of fiber because I heard eating it will make you regular. But it’s been hard trying to eat alot of fiber because In-N-Out Burgers and martini olives have almost no fiber. So here I am drinking this Berry Burst Metamucil. I tried the orange one first because I thought it was going to taste like Tang, but it didn’t. So I switched over to the berry one because it comes in pink, y’all.

It tastes kind of good. It’s got a flavor and texture like non-hardened Strawberry Jello not mixed well. Just like the pictures of my cooch on the internet, it’s a little grainy. Also, you have to drink it quickly or else it turns into sludge. It taste much better than the orange kind, but most importantly with every drink, I’m getting closer to being regular, y’all.

Actually, I’ve been drinking it for a while now and I’m beginning to feel the effects, y’all. Ever since I started I haven’t shaved off all my hair, I didn’t attack any paps with an umbrella, I haven’t been to rehab, and I didn’t marry some random dude off the street. The paps still take pictures of my cooch, but that can’t be helped. I’ve also been crapping alot for some reason and I dropped my new single, “Gimme More.”

(Supplement Facts – 1 rounded tsp – 20 calories, 5 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of soluble fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 0.8 milligrams of iron, 5 milligrams of sodium, 30 milligrams of potassium, and 100 grams of pooptasticness)

Item: Berry Burst Metamucil
Price: $11.14 (23.3 ounces)
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tastes kind of like non-hardened Strawberry Jello. Sugar free. May help lower cholesterol. Better tasting than the orange version. Helps with pooping.
Cons: Fiber from food is much better. Has texture of non-hardened Strawberry Jello. Y’all. Gimme More.

Hi, boys and girls. Today, we’re going to learn about sharing. Can you say sharing?

Good job!

Have you ever heard the saying, “Sharing is caring?” Well it’s true, when you share it shows you care. Sharing is fun and cool. Not sharing is bad and evil. Do you know what we call people who don’t share? Take a guess. Poopie pants? No. Meanies? No. People who don’t share are called, “assholes.” Can you say, “asshole?”

Very good!

Here in front of me I have a package of the new Betty Crocker Warm Delights Minis, that come with two 1.23-ounce bowls. They’re much smaller than the regular Betty Crocker Warm Delights.

Now boys and girls, because I have two bowls, can I share it with someone? Yes, I can share it with someone. Who should I share it with? It should be someone who deserves or needs it. A friend? Yes. A family member? Yes. An Olsen twin? Definitely. An entire Ethiopian village? Possibly. Women who walk out of Curves? Most definitely.

Now boys and girls, if you were to give a bowl of Better Crocker Warm Delights Minis to a woman who walked out of Curves after a workout, it wouldn’t affect her too much. It has only 150 calories per bowl, but don’t tell her that, because it’s more fun that way. Let the guilt spread and if they feel bad about it, they can conveniently turn around and walk back into Curves to burn it off.

It’s not evil, boys and girls. It would be evil if you gave her both bowls or if you gave her a bowl of each Warm Delights Minis flavor: Chocolate Raspberry Decadence, Molten Chocolate Cake, and Molten Caramel Cake. The important thing is that you shared it with her, and in return she’ll probably share something with you, like a dirty look or a peek at her leopard leotard covered body. Can you say “tacky?”

Great job!

A bowl of Warm Delights Minis is so easy to make that you could do it yourself without parental guidance, and if you understand measurements. Just empty the cake mix into the bowl and mix well with one tablespoon water plus one teaspoon water. Squeeze the topping pouch ten times, cut off corner of pouch, and squeeze four to six lines of the topping over the batter. Microwave uncovered on high for thirty seconds. Let stand for two minutes.

Now boys and girls, you know how the school bully uses their bad body odor and fat ass to overpower you for your lunch money? It’s sort of like how the raspberry topping for Chocolate Raspberry Decadence overpowers the chocolate cake, making it overly tart and a little too sweet. The chocolate topping with the Molten Chocolate Cake is like the shy kid in the back of the room who doesn’t like to stand out and is an average student. It didn’t really make the chocolatey cake any more chocolatey. As for the Molten Caramel Cake, it’s like a B-grade student, because they’re both good and have the potential to be really good, but for some reason they fall short. The cake in all three of them is light, fluffy, and chocolatey. Not bad for something made out of cake mix and a little water.

So remember boys and girls, sharing is caring, and if someone doesn’t want to share, you should call them an “asshole.” If they still won’t share, punch them in the face and say to them, “I just shared my fist with you.”

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bowl (varies per flavor) – 150 calories, 3.5 to 4.5 grams of fat, 1 to 2 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, zero grams of cholesterol, 160 to 180 milligrams of sodium, 25 to 26 grams of carbs, one gram of fiber, 15 to 17 grams of sugar, two grams of protein, very little calcium, very little iron, and 50 grams of sharing.)

Item: Betty Crocker Warm Delights Minis
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received from nice PR people
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Quick and easy to make. Molten Caramel Cake was the best. 150 calories per bowl. Cake was light, fluffy, and chocolatey. Feeding dessert to women who walk out of Curves. Mini bowls cover my A cup titties well.
Cons: Raspberry topping overpowered the chocolate cake. Chocolate topping didn’t seem to add anything to the cake. Trans fat. Those who wear leopard leotards.

Fruits can be fresh, frozen, canned, or dried, but thanks to the new Nabisco Banana Garden Harvest Toasted Chips I can now eat fruits in a crunchy, processed chip form. If you combine the taste of bananas with the look, size, and crunch of Wheat Thins and the shape of Doritos you would have an idea of what Garden Harvest Toasted Chips are like, or you could look at the picture on the right.

According to the revised USDA food pyramid, I should be eating six ounces of grains, two and a half cups of vegetables, two cups of fruits, three cups of milk, and five and a half ounces of meat and beans every day, but who eats like that? Who eats two and a half cups of vegetables and two cups of fruit everyday?

Most likely, people healthier and skinnier than me.

I don’t even know what a cup of fruit looks like. I was going to educate myself and find out how many slices of bread I need to eat to reach six ounces of grains or how many bananas I need to eat to get two cups of fruits, but the McDonald’s Big Mac Value Meal I ate made me sluggish and lazy.

It’s good to have another option when it comes to eating fruit because fruits are a pain in the ass, especially bananas. Fresh fruits, unlike Cher’s face, eventually wilt, rot, or spoil. Picking fresh fruit at the grocery store is also difficult since I get kicked out for smelling, fondling, or slapping fruit a little too much in order to know if they are ripe.

I know that honeydew melon enjoyed it.

I could make my own banana chips by buying some not quite ripe bananas from the grocery store, waiting for them to ripen, cutting them into slices, pulling out my Ronco Food Dehydrator, placing the banana slices on my Ronco Food Dehydrator racks, setting and forgetting my Ronco Food Dehydrator, letting the Ronco Food Dehydrator do its thing, and in a time 1,000 times longer than the time it takes me to walk to the nearest hippie natural foods store and buy banana chips, my homemade banana chips will be ready.

The Nabisco Banana Garden Harvest Toasted Chips taste like the banana chips found in hippie natural foods stores, which I enjoy, and just like Lays Potato Chips, prescription painkillers, a roll of bubble wrap, or a room full of balloons with a needle in my hand, once I pop, I can’t stop.

Despite tasting good, I was disappointed that I couldn’t reach my daily recommended amount of fruit by eating only the Nabisco Banana Garden Harvest Toasted Chips, since a serving of about 16 chips only provides the equivalent of 1/4 cup of fruit.

If you’re too lazy to do the math from eating a McDonald’s Big Mac Value Meal, I would have to eat 2/3 of the six-ounce bag in order to eat a cup of fruit or about 64 chips. I’m pretty sure eating a normal banana would be easier, if you eat them quick enough before they start rotting. Also, bananas are an excellent source of potassium and I was hoping that these chips be another good source, but each serving only has 160 milligrams, compared with a medium-sized banana, which has 400-500 milligrams.

Overall, the Nabisco Banana Garden Harvest Toasted Chips are tasty and they’re healthier than other snacks out there, but aren’t as healthy as an actual banana. But if you’re tired of the rotting with fresh fruits; the opening of cans with canned fruits; the thawing of frozen fruits; or the hippie, treehugger images that goes with dried fruits, you may want to give these chips a try.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 ounce (about 16 chips) – 120 calories, 3 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 60 milligrams of sodium, 160 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and 0 grams of banana peel slipping.)

(Editor’s Note: Read more about the Garden Harvest Toasted Chips at the Junk Food Blog. Then go watch the second version of the Hot Dog Dance)

Item: Nabisco Banana Garden Harvest Toasted Chips
Price: $3.99 (6-ounces)
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tastes like banana chips. Crunchy. Recloseable bag. Naturally flavored. Baked with 100% whole grain. Made with actual bananas. Decent alternative for fresh, frozen, canned, and dried fruits.
Cons: Only one-fourth a cup of fruit per one ounce serving. Not a lot of potassium with this banana product. Rotting fruit. The amount of time it takes to dry fruit in the Ronco Food Dehydrator. Getting kicked out of the grocery store for fondling melons. Bananas can be a pain in the ass.

I have never really been a fan of frosted cakes. Sure, it’s been force fed to me my entire life, but I’ve never really been gripped by its supposedly tasty talons. It’s always been boring and nauseatingly sweet, leaving me with a plate full of uneaten frosting. The only time I plan on enjoying cake is when a stripper pops out of a giant one at a bachelor party. This is why Betty Crocker’s Ultimate Fudge Brownies seemed like it would be a great buy as I combed through the cake aisle.

Brownies are basically cakes for badasses. They are dense, satisfying, and don’t need fifteen pounds of frosting to taste good. Please note the lack of rainbow-colored pastels and shaved coconut. Indeed, these brownies do not fuck around. They are a perfect vessel for real goodies like ice cream and chopped walnuts. When you think about it, why would anyone prefer a plain cake? Would anyone care about the birthday cake if it wasn’t an empty palette that candles fit perfectly on? I would heavily campaign for the “Birthday Brownie,” but I’m afraid it would sound like I was promoting some deviant sexual act.

It comes as no surprise that the good folks at General Mills took the opportunity to pimp out Betty Crocker and have her hock these brownies. If you didn’t already know, Betty Crocker is a fictional character invented in the 1920’s so that housewives would learn their roles and get in the kitchen. I wish I was kidding. The actress portraying her would dispense valuable baking and homemaking advice for the captive audience. In reality, Betty Crocker is just as real as the Chupacabra, Batman, and your favorite porn star’s boobs.

Fake or not, Betty does a pretty good job of preparing a delicious brownie mix. Is it an “ultimate” one? Well, it comes reasonably close. Since little things tend to bother me far more than they ever should, the fact that they even call it “ultimate” is a bit annoying. The flavor of chocolate can never just be “chocolate” any more. No, it has be “double fudge,” “chocoholic,” and even the curiously named “fudge pack” that I’ve steered clear of. Betty Crocker takes this to a new extreme, as the Ultimate Fudge Brownies utilize the cocoa bean in every form imaginable to create the desired effect.

Not only is the brownie mix itself already infused with cocoa powder, but a bag of mini chocolate chips is included in the box. Once all of the ingredients are thoroughly mixed together, an included packet of Hershey’s syrup is squeezed in for good measure. This is because Betty decided that the brownies really needed the extra sugar. It doesn’t say it on the box, but if you have any leftover fondue from last week’s dinner party, they want you to mix that in too.

Despite my complaining about the convoluted preparation, they do come out hot and tasty from the oven. They are very rich and melt in your mouth, as all good chocolate products should. There is a nice hint of molasses flavor which keeps the brownies from being too sweet. With a sippy-cup full of milk, I can mow through quite a few brownies in one sitting. Be careful, though, all of the molten chocolate syrup and chips will almost certainly burn you horrendously if you decide to eat it too soon. I doubt Betty Crocker’s advice would be able to help you then.

Item: Betty Crocker Ultimate Fudge Brownies
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Albertsons
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Brownies are delectable and hot. Miniature packets of syrup and chocolate chips are fun. Strippers that come out of giant cakes. Competent and efficient housewives.
Cons: Amount of chocolate makes you question if eating is worth almost-certain diabetes. Plain cake sucks. Betty Crocker isn’t a real person.

When I first heard about the new Yoplait Go-Gurt Fizzix a few months ago, the first things that popped into my mind were, “Carbonated yogurt?” followed by “Oooh, I think that would perhaps make the perfect food sexual aid.”

Over the years I’ve dreamt of all the lickable food items I could use in the bedroom, but found a fault with each of them. Canned whipped cream…way overdone, thanks to the movie Varsity Blues. Peanut butter…smell isn’t arousing. McDonald’s BBQ Chicken McNuggets sauce…doesn’t taste well with body sweat. Melted chocolate…possible first degree burns. Pudding…a little too much sugar. Ice cubes…melts too easily. Mustard…too spicy. Ice cream…too cold, could cause frostbite. Nesquik powdered chocolate mix…takes too many licks to get it all and may cause irritation in certain areas. Maple syrup…too sticky. Thousand Island salad dressing…too chunky. Tabasco…doesn’t feel good on a nipple. Mayonnaise…too oily. Ranch dressing…not enough viscosity. Ketchup…it looks like blood.

Another problem with all of these items is how messy things can get. Many of these items slide down the body easily. Sure, it’s okay to get messy once in awhile, but having to wash your bed sheets EVERY NIGHT can get tiresome.

Fortunately, the plastic sheets I have from my mid-20s bedwetting phase would help with the cleanup, but I don’t like speed bumps whenever I make sweet, sweet lovin’ since I already have enough sexual speed bumps to worry about. Putting on a condom is a speed bump. Putting leather masks on each other is another speed bump. Fishing pubic hairs out of my mouth is another speed bump. So in the heat of passion, I just don’t have the time to put on plastic sheets.

The Yoplait Go-Gurt Fizzix’s carbonation and ability to stay on the body are the major reasons why I think it would make a great food sexual aid. I also like it because it’s cold and comes in an easy-to-apply-to-the-body tube form with a top that can easily be ripped off with my teeth. The Fizzix is also good for you, being that it’s healthier than any of the things I listed above. Get some potassium while licking it off an ass for fun. Or get some Vitamin D while you’re sucking it off of some D cups.

I thought the carbonation of the Fizzix would add a little tingle if applied to nipples, inner thighs, lips, a forehead, or armpit, but after applying it to my nipple, the only sensation I could feel was the coldness of the yogurt and none of the fizzing. In my mouth, I could feel the carbonation, but it was weaker than I expected. It’s significantly less fizzy than a regular soda.

Each box of Fizzix comes with eight 2.25-ounce tubes in two flavors. I tried the Strawberry Lemonade Jolt and Wild Cherry Zing. Both flavors tasted sweeter and less healthy than the usual Yoplait yogurt in the six-ounce cups. The cherry flavor was good and wasn’t too tart, while the more sweet than sour strawberry lemonade was my favorite between the two. With these being marketed to kids, I can understand why it’s sweeter than normal yogurt. There aren’t any fruit chunks in it, which is good because having fruit chunks in certain body crevices isn’t fun.

I guess the Yoplait Go-Gurt Fizzix isn’t the great food sexual aid I thought it would be since the carbonation didn’t add any tingle to my skin, but nonetheless, it is good and I will add it to the top of my repertoire. It’s cold, won’t slide off the body easily, can be licked clean without too much effort, and it tastes good, although you can also get that with regular Yoplait Go-Gurt.

However, it’s hard to truly determine the effectiveness of the Fizzix’s carbonation until I use it in action, but unfortunately I can’t test it, since I’m single, I can’t reach my nipples with my tongue, and I don’t have a dog who will lick anything.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 tube – 80 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 35 milligrams of sodium, 100 milligrams of potassium, 13 grams of carbs, 11 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 6 percent RDA of Vitamin A, 10 percent RDA of calcium, 6 percent RDA of Vitamin D, 4 percent RDA of riboflavin, 6 percent RDA of phosphorus, and 100 grams of sexual kinkiness.)

(Editor’s Note: Here are two more Fizzix reviews if you need more of a Fizzix review fix. Gigi Reviews and Cheap Eats.)

Item: Yoplait GoGurt Fizzix
Price: $3.39
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Both flavors were good, but the Strawberry Lemonade Jolt was better. Sweeter than regular healthy yogurt. Doesn’t slide off of the body easily. Can easily be licked clean off the body. Plastic sheets for messy lovemaking session. Tube form with rip top makes it easy to apply to the body in the heat of passion.
Cons: Carbonation not as strong as I hoped. No tingling sensation on the body. Inability to reach my nipples with my tongue. Fruit chunks ending up in body crevices. Plastic sheets for mid-20s bedwetting phase. Sexual speed bumps.

Bad news: I didn’t find true love on Match.com.

Good news: I’m still an eligible bachelor…ladies. (Sprays Binaca in mouth and gives a wink)

I do a lot of things over the internet, like check the balances in my bank accounts, Google ex-girlfriends, read up on current events on CNN.com, self-diagnose any psychological symptoms via WebMD, download music through iTunes, and learn how to please a woman through the millions of search results found by typing “how to please a woman” at my favorite search engine. So it only seems natural that I find a date over the internet.

Sure I could do it the old fashioned way and walk up to a complete stranger, introduce myself, tell her she’s beautiful, ask her if she would be interested in a date, she replies “With you?,” I say “yes,” wait during an awkward pause while she thinks of a good excuse, and then says, “I’m sorry, I already have a boyfriend” or “I’m sorry, I’m not into guys,” but getting a date via an internet dating site is so much easier because, if you do your search correctly, women on these sites are most likely single and not a lesbian.

Match.com offers a very simple solution to get you into the dating scene, unlike competitor eHarmony which makes you fill out a SAT-long questionnaire that’s hard to do in one sitting. With Match.com all you need to do is come up with a username that isn’t already taken and then fill out your profile, which consists of normal things like hobbies, likes, dislikes, job description, describing yourself, and describing what you look for in a date.

(Tip: In your profile, do not add any fetishes you may have or put down the number of cats you own, if that number is above three.)

You can sign up at Match.com for free, but that only allows you to “wink” at potential dates which lets them know you’re interested, but you won’t be able to contact them or visa versa. This is somewhat like the digital equivalent of the rule at most strip clubs, “You can see, but you can’t touch.” In order to contact a potential date you have to subscribe to the Match.com service, which you can do for one month, three months, or six months. The longer plan you subscribe to, the cheaper it is per month. I chose six months, which cost me $101.94, because I enjoy buying things in bulk.

Once you’ve become a subscriber, you can now contact potential dates and get rejected electronically, which I admit stings much less than being rejected face-to-face. A wink is a good way to let someone know you’re interested, but contacting them via email is even better and more effective. Don’t worry, the service doesn’t use your actual email, instead they create one specifically for Match.com using your username.

(Tip: If you contact a potential date via email and they don’t reply, please don’t send them another email asking them why they didn’t reply. That is fucking creepy and irritating. Just accept the fact that they’re not interested in you and move on. They were probably out of your league anyway.)

You can search for potential dates and also narrow your searches down to be more specific. So if I wanted to find a 5′2″ Asian woman with a college degree, makes $50,000 a year, and is a sexual Scorpio, I could. The service allows you to save three searches, which I found wasn’t enough for me. I created a search for all the women of Asian persuasion, a search for those who are within five miles from me, and one for those who could become my Sugar Momma, making more than $100,000 a year.

(Tip: The more specific your searches are, the smaller the pool of potential dates gets. Stop being so fucking picky. Go out on some dates and have fun.)

With your profile, you have the option of putting up a picture or two or a dozen or more, depending on how vain you are. While searching for potential dates, about 70 percent of profiles didn’t have a picture. The profiles without a photo are given a plain generic image with the words, “Ask me for my photo” over it, all of which could be considered the digital equivalent of putting a brown paper bag over their faces. I did put up a picture with my profile, because in the particular picture I put up, I look fucking hott. The blurriness of the photo definitely makes me look better, like beer goggles would.

(Tip: Putting up your picture greatly increases the attention you’ll receive. Unfortunately, it also increases the attention you receive from people you don’t want attention from. However, Match.com does offer to block specific users from contacting you. Also, if you’re not interested in someone, you can have Match.com send the other person a nice “No, thanks” for you.)

Within the first few days I received over a dozen winks, which was a total ego boost, although most of them were from women either from the Philippines, Romania, or Indiana. I believe those were spam since their usernames were made out of random letters and numbers, like they slammed their head against their keyboard. These same “women” also had profiles that went something like this:

I the romantic girl, like to have fun, but I have no harmful habits. At me quiet character and before that that to make I all over again I think. I the good friend who always will help a difficult minute. Certainly I have lacks as well as any person, but concerning them I not a complex To me such person will be necessary which to love me and to understand, which will live in the big city and which will not have children I will need to move the man a bark with me on life and to not give in insult.

As the months in my subscription went by, I got fewer and fewer of these blatant spam winks.

(Tip: Do not put in your profile, “I’m shy at first, but I’ll open up as we get to know each other.” So many people use that line that it’s become a cliche. Use “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours…personality, that is.”)

During my six-month subscription, I dated four women. I could tell you about each of them, but I’m a gentleman and we gentlemen don’t talk about our dates…also, some of them read this blog (Hi, Tricia, Terri and Jen!) I enjoyed the dates I went on and all of the women were really nice and a pleasure to talk to. However, none of them turned out to be long-term material because I just didn’t feel that strong of an attraction to any of them and I’m kind of a picky mutherfucker.

Dates were fun, but sadly, perhaps the most entertaining part of the whole Match.com experience was deleting women from my searches, which made me feel like the anti-Cupid, pointing my arrow-shaped mouse cursor at their delete button and breaking their hearts without them even realizing it.

If she had the word “gypsy” in her username, I deleted her. If her username had the words “happy” or “smile” in it, but she’s not smiling in her profile picture, I deleted her. If she typed “a lot” as “alot,” I deleted her. If she looked like she could kick my ass, I deleted her. If her entire profile was done with the CAPS LOCK button on, I deleted her. If she looked like someone who has way too many stuffed animals in her car, I deleted her.

(Tip: Deleting profiles can be more fun if you follow every deletion by saying out loud, “You ain’t good enough for me” or “You ain’t gettin’ none of this.”)

Despite not finding true love, I had an overall positive Match.com experience and renewed my subscription for another six months, which was ten dollars cheaper than the first six months. I think it was successful because I went on more dates in the last six month than the six months before joining Match.com.

There were a few downsides. Being in a smaller market here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, new profiles don’t show up as often as I would like and there are many profiles that have been inactive for three weeks or more, making the pool of women even smaller. Also, many profiles didn’t have pictures, making some dates nervously exciting like a blind date or a Craigslist meetup.

(Tip: When meeting a blind date or someone on Craigslist, meet in a very public area or carry a weapon with you.)

If you’re not a bar or nightclub person this would make a great option to meet new people and perhaps find love. It’s cheaper than most other popular online dating services and you don’t have to fill out a long questionnaire. Just because it didn’t work for me, doesn’t mean it won’t work for you.

So again, ladies, I just want to let you know that I’m still available.

Item: Match.com
Price: $101.94 for six month subscription
Purchased at: Match.com
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Great way to meet people. Easy to get started. No long questionnaire to fill out, like eHarmony. Cheaper than most other popular online dating services. The internet. Deleting profiles.
Cons: Didn’t find love. Most profiles didn’t have a photo. Free account only allows you to wink at others, but not send emails. Only able to save three searches. Some wink spam.

Kid Cuisine is the only nationally sold frozen dinner brand that is marketed towards, and most likely made by, latchkey children. It’s only fitting that a person like me with the attention span of a child would review one of its meals. You can never accuse Ace of not loving the kiddies.

Wait, that came out wrong. I meant to say that I love making young children happy…(fuck! Abort! Abort!). Damn it, you know what I mean.

Kid Cuisine was on ultra-clearance at the local supermarket. At about a third of their regular price, I couldn’t help but be curious enough to pick a few boxes up. Most people would see this as a bad sign of things to come, but not me. This is mainly because I’m an idiot, but I also had the thought that perhaps these meals were so good that it would be a crime to keep them on the shelves. I mean…the penguin looks like it’s having so much fun swinging on the jungle vine. Sure, it’s absurd, but is it any more ridiculous than a movie about surfing penguins? This is the stuff I think about as the meal heats up.

Hunger and low self-esteem are a great combination for frozen dinners, so I was actually anticipating its arrival out of the microwave. Unfortunately, the meal is not fantastic fare. Even as far as processed chicken nuggets go, these rank pretty low on the ladder. These are the chicken nuggets that other chicken nuggets beat up on the playground.

The fact that they feel the need to take on the form insects is obviously a case of severe overcompensation. By the time they come out of their microwave cocoon, they are dry and flavorless. I guess all is not bad, though. Mothers can find solace in the fact that the chicken is real “white chicken breast nuggets” and none of that filler crap. Never mind the fact that it’s shaped like a fucking butterfly — as all natural and wholesome foods are.

I would bet everything I own that there was a frozen food convention some years back where it was decided that macaroni and cheese had to be 95% water and 5% soggy mealworms. Kid Cuisine does their best to conform to the standards and offers up a meager helping of the orange and runny mess that they insist is pasta. Iron Chef Mario Batali must be rolling over in his grave. Well, he’s not actually dead yet, but judging from his expanding beltline I’m banking on this review being accurate within the next 10 years.

Kid Cuisine meals are never complete without one or two hilariously gimmicky ideas that are used to make the meal fun. Only Kid Cuisine can try and make ketchup cool, and they do their best by putting it in a sealed plastic pouch that is supposed to be used for nugget decoration. People…IT’S A FUCKING KETCHUP PACKET.

How they managed to pitch this idea as a selling point is beyond me, but I guess that’s why I’m not making six figures a year doing marketing. It’s almost as gimmicky as if they released Michael Jackson onto the reality show Kid Nation and let the pieces fall where they may. Along with the ketchup, some bug-shaped gummy snacks are included to ensure that the children learn how to ingest insects at an early age.

The best thing I can say about Kid Cuisine is that they appear to have good intentions. They keep me sane because they don’t spell their name Kid Kwizine. They have mazes and other games for kids on the boxes. Until their penguin becomes a sexually suggestive Bratz-like mascot, and you better believe this will happen, they deserve to be commended. Just not on their food.

Item: Kid Cuisine Bug Safari Nuggets
Price: 2 for $1.67
Purchased at: Stater Bros.
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Kids will probably like it. Edible even though it’s not the greatest. Fun and wholesome mascot that apparently encourages dangerous physical activity.
Cons: Bland and dry nuggets. Passing off a ketchup packet as a cool treat. Encouraging children to eat insects. Michael Jackson on Kid Nation. Bratz.