Betty Crocker Ultimate Fudge Brownies

I have never really been a fan of frosted cakes. Sure, it’s been force fed to me my entire life, but I’ve never really been gripped by its supposedly tasty talons. It’s always been boring and nauseatingly sweet, leaving me with a plate full of uneaten frosting. The only time I plan on enjoying cake is when a stripper pops out of a giant one at a bachelor party. This is why Betty Crocker’s Ultimate Fudge Brownies seemed like it would be a great buy as I combed through the cake aisle.

Brownies are basically cakes for badasses. They are dense, satisfying, and don’t need fifteen pounds of frosting to taste good. Please note the lack of rainbow-colored pastels and shaved coconut. Indeed, these brownies do not fuck around. They are a perfect vessel for real goodies like ice cream and chopped walnuts. When you think about it, why would anyone prefer a plain cake? Would anyone care about the birthday cake if it wasn’t an empty palette that candles fit perfectly on? I would heavily campaign for the “Birthday Brownie,” but I’m afraid it would sound like I was promoting some deviant sexual act.

It comes as no surprise that the good folks at General Mills took the opportunity to pimp out Betty Crocker and have her hock these brownies. If you didn’t already know, Betty Crocker is a fictional character invented in the 1920’s so that housewives would learn their roles and get in the kitchen. I wish I was kidding. The actress portraying her would dispense valuable baking and homemaking advice for the captive audience. In reality, Betty Crocker is just as real as the Chupacabra, Batman, and your favorite porn star’s boobs.

Fake or not, Betty does a pretty good job of preparing a delicious brownie mix. Is it an “ultimate” one? Well, it comes reasonably close. Since little things tend to bother me far more than they ever should, the fact that they even call it “ultimate” is a bit annoying. The flavor of chocolate can never just be “chocolate” any more. No, it has be “double fudge,” “chocoholic,” and even the curiously named “fudge pack” that I’ve steered clear of. Betty Crocker takes this to a new extreme, as the Ultimate Fudge Brownies utilize the cocoa bean in every form imaginable to create the desired effect.

Not only is the brownie mix itself already infused with cocoa powder, but a bag of mini chocolate chips is included in the box. Once all of the ingredients are thoroughly mixed together, an included packet of Hershey’s syrup is squeezed in for good measure. This is because Betty decided that the brownies really needed the extra sugar. It doesn’t say it on the box, but if you have any leftover fondue from last week’s dinner party, they want you to mix that in too.

Despite my complaining about the convoluted preparation, they do come out hot and tasty from the oven. They are very rich and melt in your mouth, as all good chocolate products should. There is a nice hint of molasses flavor which keeps the brownies from being too sweet. With a sippy-cup full of milk, I can mow through quite a few brownies in one sitting. Be careful, though, all of the molten chocolate syrup and chips will almost certainly burn you horrendously if you decide to eat it too soon. I doubt Betty Crocker’s advice would be able to help you then.

Item: Betty Crocker Ultimate Fudge Brownies
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Albertsons
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Brownies are delectable and hot. Miniature packets of syrup and chocolate chips are fun. Strippers that come out of giant cakes. Competent and efficient housewives.
Cons: Amount of chocolate makes you question if eating is worth almost-certain diabetes. Plain cake sucks. Betty Crocker isn’t a real person.

16 thoughts on “Betty Crocker Ultimate Fudge Brownies

  1. My favorite of Betty Crocker brownies is the Triple Chunk. They disappear in under a day. And it’s $1.89!

    The only good icing is chocolate icing. On a spoon. 😀

  2. Ace, I am on your team, brownies are far superior to cake. Frosting is only good for one thing and it usually requires a set of sheets you don’t mind tossing out.
    great review!

  3. I always feel like a tool when some nice person hands me a big plate of heavily-frosted cake, because I have to scrape all the frosting off and pretend to be interested in eating it.

    I make brownies all the time and those are my favorites. Of course I have to mess with the mix and add Heath bar bits, but that’s just me.

  4. I couldn’t agree more, Ace. Cake is so overrated. Brownies beat out cake any day.

    I just bought some brownie mix, but the frozen tube kind by Pillsbury, not the mix it yourself kind. For my lazy ass, that’s too much work.

  5. Marvo – But then again, they eat their own crap.

    Chuck – I didn’t have to, but you can never be too sure.

    meech – If you have a diet without brownies, life isn’t worth living anyway.

    Gabs – Thanks, maybe if I continue to buy stuff that people like, my reviews will seem a lot better than the drug-induced ramblings that they currently are.

    Zenne – I used to remember when double chunk was wacky and wild. I don’t know if I could handle triple.

    Gigi – And you are now my new favorite person ever.

    bikerbabeee – I am not 100% sure about what you mean, but it sounds like a good time. Thanks for the support.

    Melonie – What is this “cooking from scratch” that you speak of? People…cook…food? Without a microwave? This concept has eluded me.

    demondoll – Frosting needs to go to Hell. Whipped cream can stay.

    Diana – Seriously, you and I are kindred spirits. The generic frosted cakes suck!!!

    Karen – Only if you want me to fall madly in love with you.

    Brie – That is quite lazy, but it must be fun to devour straight from the can when it’s 2 in the morning and you hate yourself. I need to pick some up next time I go shopping.

  6. Congratulations, Ace, on your first post where no one called you “Marvo” by mistake! If brownies = hardcore pornstar sex and cake = making sweet love, then what dessert is “fudgepacking” equal to?

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