The fast food apocalypse shall soon be upon thee! Flee now to high ground and thou lives may be spared from obesity and being pillaged and robble, robble, robbled by the evil Hamburgler.

I am not a witch, nor a soothsayer, but in the back cover of my hardbound printing of “Fast Food Nation,” there is a message written in what I first thought was blood, but later found out was ketchup, that said, “When the four burritos of the rising sun meet, the fast food apocalypse shall drown the Earth.”

With the introduction of the McDonald’s McSkillet Burrito, I fear the worst is one step closer to being a reality. Hardee’s unleashed their 920-calorie Country Breakfast Burrito earlier this year. Jack in the Box recently brought into this world their Sirloin Steak & Egg Burrito. If Burger King, brings forth a breakfast burrito, I can only presume the fast food apocalypse will follow.

What would a fast food apocalypse be like?

I imagine kings and clowns will battle for supremacy; big, dumb, purple Grimaces will fall from the sky; Jack in the Box antenna balls will come to life and mess with your radio reception or tell you how shitty of a driver you are; Jared Fogle will weigh 425 pounds again; and zombie Colonel Sanders will roam the Earth, eating human flesh and proclaiming that it tastes like chicken. It may seem like a big bad dream that could only be caused by licking a toad or Amy Winehouse’s skin, but if one more breakfast burrito hits the market, the world is doomed…DOOMED I TELL YOU!!!

The possibly world-ending McDonald’s McSkillet Burrito contains cheddar cheese, jack cheese, American cheese, skillet potatoes, chunks of sausage, bell peppers, onions, scrambled eggs, and salsa all wrapped up in a soft tortilla. All of those ingredients equal a decently hefty burrito that could be a part of a complete non-nutritious breakfast. The salsa pretty much dominates the flavor of the burrito, which of course makes it quite spicy and makes me like it a lot. On a scale of one to ten, with one being pussy mild and ten being the burning sensation caused by unprotected sex with Paris Hilton, I would rate its spiciness a six.

I was hoping that the potatoes were crunchy like their hash browns, but unfortunately they weren’t and didn’t really add anything to the burrito. Another problem I had with the McDonald’s McSkillet Burrito was the fact that there weren’t enough “Mc’s” in its name. I think the McDonald’s McSkillet McBurrito has a nice McRing to it. Finally, as hefty as it was, I wish it were huge like a Chipotle burrito (Warning: slightly annoying flash animation, if you click the link), but then again if it was, the fat and sodium content would probably kill me before the fast food apocalypse could.

(Nutrition Facts - 1 burrito - 610 calories, 36 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 410 milligrams of cholesterol, 1390 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 27 grams of protein, 20% Vitamin A, 10% Vitamin C, 20% calcium, 25% iron, and -5 minutes of life.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Molly for letting me know about the McSkillet Burrito, but if the fast food apocalypse comes, I won’t be glad she did.)

Item: McDonald’s McSkillet Burrito
Price: $3.29 ($2.49 in other places)
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Good and spicy. Heftier than I thought it would be. Nice variety of ingredients. Kings and clowns killing each other.
Cons: Could be a little bit bigger. Not enough “Mc’s” in its name. Trans fat. Potatoes might’ve been better if crunchy. If you’re not into spice, this might not be nice. Fast food apocalypse. Being robble, robble, robbled.

As we delve deeper into the ball-numbing coldness of winter, I have noticed that my pants fit a bit tighter and my shirts are suddenly more revealing in the nipple region. This is a terrible, terrible development for pretty much every single person on the planet. I can only assume that this is a direct result of my diet and lack of exercise. Like a hibernating bear, I have decided to forgo almost all physical activity and sleep as if my life cycle depended on it. I can’t even be bothered to walk to the liquor store when it’s less than 60 degrees outside.

Because of all of these things, I have recently decided to try to eat healthier by going to places such as Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s. I used to figure that anything organic from these places would be healthy until I checked the nutritional facts on falafels and cream sauces. As it turns out, even the most ethically grown and sold produce can turn me into a fatass. While this is discouraging, it also forces me to put more thought into what I buy.

I scanned the impeccably clean aisles at Trader Joe’s and weaved through the hipsters and nice gay couples, finally stumbling upon the pasta section. I tried my hardest to ignore the plethora of cheeses that seemed to taunt me and instead focused on the intriguing Lobster Ravioli box. I figured that I couldn’t beat $2.99 for lobster, so I gave it a shot. Even if I could find a deal that beat $2.99, I would not dare eat it out of fear that it would be horrifically contaminated.

After riding my new wave of moral supremacy and self-satisfaction home, I took a closer look at the ingredients. What I saw was promising − lobster was the first ingredient in the filling, followed by ricotta cheese. This nearly knocked me to the floor, because almost everything else I eat is made out of high fructose corn syrup and corn oil. I had almost forgotten what food tasted like.

I followed directions and boiled the ravioli until they floated. After boiling, I found that they were still a bit gummy and dense. Plus, as you can see from the picture, I was saddened, but not surprised, at the lack of lobster chunks. You get plenty of lobster flavor, but none of that firm lobster flesh that my friend so unappetizingly referred to as “muscley.”

Luckily, I am a resourceful and clever man who always keeps a frying pan under his pillow. I sautéed it with some imitation butter and garlic and it made the pasta tender and tasty. I then tried it with Trader Joe’s organic pesto and had myself a fine little lunch. As I took the last bite of my methodically rationed portioned, I felt as though I was indeed a superior person who would soon be able to fit into his clothes once again. That would be well worth the $2.99 I paid for the box. Until then, the world will have to be comfortable with my nakedness.

(Nutritional Facts - 1 cup - 260 calories, 4 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 mg of cholesterol, 170 mg sodium, 42 grams of carbs, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 12 grams of protein, 4% Vitamin A, 2% Vitamin C, 8% Calcium, and 10% Iron)

Item: Trader Joe’s Lobster Ravioli
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Trader Joe’s
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Made with real food like lobster and ricotta cheese. The feeling of superiority I feel when I shop organically. Great price for a lobster product.
Cons: No chunks of lobster to be found inside the ravioli. Ravioli has to be sautéed in order to taste good. Any part of me being more exposed than it has to be. The laziness I feel whenever winter rolls around. My arrogance when I feel superior because I shop organically.