Cafe Latte Slurpuccino

Consider the Slurpuccino the closest thing Slurpologists at 7-Eleven could come up with that might be considered an adult Slurpee without adding alcohol. By its name you can figure out that this here Slurpee has a coffee flavor to it, much like the sweat that comes out of pores of Britney Spears’ cigarette and Starbucks-addicted body after jiggling her pudgy frame through a dance routine for “…Baby One More Time.”

I wish that 7-Eleven came up with this idea sooner, because I will admit, it seems a little weird for a 32-year-old quasi-product review blogger man to be walking out of a convenience store with a strawberry, banana, or Coke Slurpee in his hand. Sure it is even weirder because I suck on the straw a little too provocatively and because of that parents usually pull their children a little closer to them to protect them from the grown man who loves Slurpees — apparently a little too much. However, a coffee-flavored Slurpee would help with this awkwardness.

Unfortunately, the coffee flavor of the Slurpuccino was like Madonna’s British accent — it was extremely artificial. Just like actual coffee, there was a slight bitterness to it, but that bitterness was overcome by the excessive fake creme flavor. Sweet, sweet caffeine might’ve made up for its flavor, but I couldn’t find anything about caffeine content on the Slurpee website.

You would think that a national convenience store chain that serves millions of gallons of coffee every year to truck drivers, office workers, college students, and people who did not want to wait in line at Starbucks and will settle for something less could make a pretty good coffee Slurpee, but it seems those years of coffee experience were not used well or at all.

Fortunately, it is a limited edition Slurpee that will be available only throughout February and March. This timeframe makes it a great Valentine’s Day gift for the one you want to break up with. Just buy one right before the break up and stick on it a card that says, “This Slurpuccino was very artificial, just like your personality. This Slurpee will quickly melt away, just like my love for you has.”

Item: Cafe Latte Slurpuccino
Price: $1.49 (32-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: It is cold. Being a Slurpologist. Not having to wait in line at Starbucks. Adult Slurpees. Adult diapers.
Cons: Extremely artificial latte flavor. Horrible fake cream flavor. Headache from brain freeze. Headache from caffeine withdrawals. Great tool to use to break up with someone. Madonna’s British accent. Britney Spears’ coffee-smelling bodily fluids. Sucking on a straw in a provocative manner.

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23 thoughts on “Cafe Latte Slurpuccino

  1. Chuck – I’m guessing there’s probably a Circle K near you.

    Red Icculus – On the bottom of my Slurpuccino there probably is because I like to backwash.

  2. Marvo, you are correct, there are Circle K’s where I live. However, since I worked at one when I was in college, I tend to avoid shopping there…bad memories. However the experience did help me to greatly appreciate the movie “Clerks.”

  3. Slurpaccino.. oh thats just … gross.
    coffee can be iced or turned into an ice cream treat.. but i agree with Megan.. slurpees are supposed to be fruity and fun so all you have to do is add your favorite spirit and an umbrella and you have what we call a ghetto Mai Tai in my hood.

  4. Why do people always have to find new ways to abuse coffee.

    Just drink coffee the way it’s supposed to, black pure no sugar, Espresso preferred.

    Love your reviews by the way, especially the way you describe things that leave little to be imagined. ^^

  5. Yowza, I gotta get me one of those! I ain’t got no shame in carrying around Slurpees–even at my age, which I’m not saying, but it’s definitely older than you.

  6. No 7-11.
    No Circle K.
    Swain’s sells Slush-Puppies, but they aren’t nice.

    Maybe 7-11 is making a common granita?

  7. I work at 7 Eleven, and I’ve sold hundreds and hundreds of Slurpees; many to adults, and many of these adults have gotten Coke or various fruit flavors. Never once has it occurred to me that this is “weird,” though. That Wild Cherry Slurpee is delicious, and I will drink it until the day they stop making it. The Slurpuccino is definitely disgusting, though. Not nearly enough coffee taste. As for the caffeine content, if anyone is interested, I can check it out when I go to work tomorrow.

  8. megan – Slurpees are also meant to be rubbed all over my body.

    Alisha – Not if I’m around children and their parents.

    Chuck – 36 dicks…In a row.

    Shannon – I say get a real coffee instead.

    liz – I hope to never receive one.

    bikerbabeee – A beer with crushed ice seems more ghetto.

    Bokkie – Oh, I could definitely find new ways to abuse coffee, if you know what I’m saying, nudge, nudge, wink, wink

    Domokun – Don’t get brain freeze.

    Nevis – Holy decapitated cats sounds even more gross.

    demondoll – I’ve never had a Slush Puppy…or just a regular puppy.

    Ana – Oooh, that Wild Cherry Slurpee sounds good.

  9. Slush Puppies are no where near as good as slushees. They are in their own slushy type league, but not one that is comparable to slushees. In Canada they’re called Frosters, and they sell them at Mac’s.

  10. Nevis – Actually, if God kills a kitten every time I masturbate, then I’d rather do it that way.

    IamKateness – The Slush Puppies dog scares me.

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