Maxxed Energy Pop

I think I’ve found the perfect “magic trick” for David Blaine, because it is neither magic nor a trick and it might kill him. I would like to see him consume every possible type of “energy” product at one time — drink an energy drink, swallow a Vivarin, suck on energy mints, wear energy lip balm, chew on energy gum, wash with energy body wash, apply caffeinated body lotion, eat energy candy, and suck on the Maxxed Energy Pop.

Oh, if only there were energy enemas and energy condoms.

Why would I want to do such a thing to a creepy illusionist? I want to do it for the children. A famous crackhead once said, “I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.” I want children to realize that caffeine, like the 40 milligrams of it in the Maxxed Energy Pop, is bad for them. Just like alcohol and anything after 11 p.m. on Cinemax, it’s meant for mature people.

I worry about the children, although I don’t really worry about their health. I worry about how hyper and annoying they could get with all those energy boosting products flowing through their bloodstream. Possibly so annoying that parents might spend evenings taking college science and engineering courses so that they can build a time machine to go back in time to get their tubes tied. Remember, children are our future. No children, no future.

Usually putting things into kids’ mouths will shut them up, but putting the radioactive green-colored Maxxed Energy Pop into a child’s mouth will do the opposite, if they can fit it into their mouth, since it’s roughly twice the size of a Tootsie Pop. After sucking on it a little bit, the smooth texture of the lollipop turned into coarse sandpaper, which was kind of off-putting. It was like the lollipop grew a five o’clock shadow in my mouth. Its flavor was sweet and little tart, which I enjoyed. What I didn’t enjoy was the packaging it came in. It maybe the treehugger in me talking, but it seemed kind of wasteful to have a lollipop come in a fake energy drink can made out of cardboard.

The two things I liked most about the Maxxed Energy Pop are the same two reasons why the erectile dysfunctional enjoy Viagra — they both are able to get us up and to sustain it for a good amount of time. I got a good energy kick from the caffeinated lollipop, which surprised me, since it only has 40 milligrams of caffeine. I think because it’s a lollipop, I’m able to slowly consume the caffeine and other energy elements, causing a sustained boost of energy. It took me about 30 minutes to suck down the entire Maxxed Energy Pop, which is a lot longer than it takes for me to consume an energy drink.

If I’m able to get a decent kick out of it, imagine what a little kid could do powered by a Maxxed Energy Pop. They could comb Barbie’s hair a little too rough, go a little too fast on their Heelys, and cause a Buddhist monk to break their decade long vow of silence by annoying the monk by singing the same Dora The Explorer song in a continuous loop. With those abilities, if I do see a kid sucking on a Maxxed Energy Pop, I will do what’s best and take it from them — and if they’re holding a balloon, I’ll pop that too. Oh, I’ll also tell them that Santa Claus isn’t real and they were an accident.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pop – 90 calories, 0 grams of fat, 5 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 16 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 45% niacin, 30% vitamin B12, 120% vitamin B6, 15% pantothenic acid, 500 milligrams taurine, 50 milligrams of D-Glucuronolactone, 40 milligrams of caffeine, 6650 micrograms of guarana, 6650 micrograms of panax ginseng, 50 micrograms of inositol, and 0.9 ounces of green)

Item: Maxxed Energy Pop
Price: $1.15
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Sweet and tart flavor. Sustained energy boost because it’s a lollipop. Sweet, sweet caffeine. Long lasting pop. Cinemax after 11 p.m.
Cons: Coarse sandpaper texture. Overpriced for a sucker. Wasteful packaging. Children consuming caffeine. David Blaine. Listening to a kid sing the same song over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

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16 thoughts on “Maxxed Energy Pop

  1. I’d sure like to see the children zipping around all extra boosty on the Heelys with these Poppers sticking out of their mouths. Preferably in a department store with smooth floors. Guaranteed one will have a horrible yet thrilling bloody accident, be maimed for life, and Heelys’ll finally get the suing they’ve got coming.

  2. So how many licks did it take to get to the center of the Maxxed Energy Pop? Enquiring minds want to know.

    I’m sure all your lady fans were happy to see you get practice on your licking skillz.

  3. It’s not a lollipop flavored soda? Never have I seen such a waste of packaging since…uhh…frick. I can’t think of anything. OH wait! Not since Britney Spears! Zing.

  4. Hey at least cardboard can be recycled, instead of those little plastic wrappers candy usually comes in.

  5. yes.. coffee enemas… you could blog about that next! :)

    Heelys are the worst invention but think of all the chiropracters that will be reach once those kids become adults..cause you know their backs will be screwed.

    I like energy drinks, I usually buy the full throttle cause it’s harder to slam back then sobe mini cans are.

    This might be interesting to try but does it rip open the top of your mouth when it grows the 5 o’clock shadow??

    I am waiting for one of the little indigenous tribes that david blaine shows his magic too, to put him on a spit and roast him.

  6. ‘A famous crackhead once said,…’ Comedy gold!!

    I’m very tempted to try these. I normally avoid energy drinks, because even though I love my caffeine, after one too many espressos I feel like my heart’s going to come out of my chest Alien-like.

    I’m scared to think what I’d be like hopped on energy drinks.

  7. angry bob doesn’t think “mature people” are really the intended audience for anything on Cinemax. Also, what’s a Heely?

  8. Coffee enemas? Oh, I looked it up. Why would anyone waste good coffee by using it THAT way? More importantly, what is going to be on my mind while I make coffee tomorrow morning?

    Also, the packaging on this energy pop is ridiculous. Really.

  9. ahahahahahaha………

    speaking of waste of packaging…. oh man you dont even want to hear half my rants! ….

    but anywho i want one of these!

  10. This “energy” thing has now gone too far. All of these products are bad for you and don’t really do what they claim.. just hop you up on the caffeine and sugar.
    Off the soapbox again.. Marvo you should also tell the kiddies you take the candies from that the boogieman IS real and they are next on his list.

  11. I’m somewhat concerned that the phrase “…putting things into kids’ mouths will shut them up…” has stayed in my head for so long now after reading that.

  12. Domokun – We should just sue Heely’s for being lame.

    Chuck – I like my tongue so, licking it would probably wear it away.

    Reprobate – She is a waste of space.

    luckinflux – I choose not to. For fear of anal leakage from fear.

    Lorien – But there’s a plastic wrapper around the lollipop in the can. See even more wasteful.

    Lex – Unless you suck it hard, I don’t think it would rip open the top of your mouth. I am not going to try.

    StephanieS – As long as you don’t hump furniture while on caffeine, it should be okay.

    angry bob – Heelys are rollerskate wannabes. It’s a shoe that kids wear with a wheel on the back of each heel which allows the wearer to roll. I’d like them banned.

    Gabs – Oh the coffee farts much be really bad.

    brendababe – I found mine at a convenience store, but I’m sure you could find them at a candy store or grocery store.

    Shannon – The sucker did give me energy.

    Bikerbabeee – The boogieman is real. We hang out once in awhile. He’s cool, but kinda creepy. He has this thing about bunk beds and that’s why he likes hanging out on the bottom of kids’ beds.

    Terry – If there’s no TV, it’s the American way to have kids shut up.

    IE – But expensive for this lollipop. It’s 50 cents in most places.

    Jeremy – Check out convenience stores. That’s probably the best place.

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