Month: February 2009

REVIEW: Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef

Marvo 31 Comments

I just want to make clear that the Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef and its other flavors are not part of some big conspiracy for Asian Domination.

Oh wait.

Why did I capitalize the D in “Domination”? It makes it look like a code name for something, which it is totally not. If I had typed “Operation Asian Domination,” and something cryptic along with it, like “All salamanders in apples need some Rogaine under leggy eyes,” then maybe it might look like all the Asians, except North Korea, are coming together to take over the world. But that IS NOT the case.

The Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef is just an easy-to-make dish and the eyebrows on the Hamburger Helper glove are not slanted eyes, his eyes are not nostrils, and his nose is not a gigantic zit. All you need is a pound of ground beef, 2 3/4 cups of hot water, and, of course, the ingredients contained in the box. Within 20 minutes, you’ll have a dish that native Mongolians will not recognize at all, because the Mongolian Beef dish is an American creation.

Betty Crocker is not trying to deceive you, just like Asians aren’t trying to swindle you by infiltrating various aspects of society to bring it crashing down two weeks from today. People love Jackie Chan, the number one golfer in the world is half-Asian, there’s a Korean on Grey’s Anatomy, my doppleganger is on CBS’s The Mentalist, there are Japanese players in Major League Baseball, Olivia Munn is half-Chinese, there are over a thousand Panda Express locations across the United States, Rob Schneider is half-Filipino, sushi and karaoke bars are all over, and many women learned a new Japanese word, Harajuku, but all of that does not equate to Asians wanting to rule the world and force everyone to drive fuel-efficient Toyota, Honda, Kia, or Hyundai cars two weeks from today.

Besides, how can the Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef be part of an Asian conspiracy to take over the world when it doesn’t taste Asian. It was all right tasting, but it tasted more like Hamburger Helper Beef Stroganoff than any Asian dish. The pasta noodles were gummy and the addition of freeze-dried peas and carrots seemed unnecessary since they didn’t add anything to the flavor.

So to all the non-Asians out there, you don’t have to worry about an Operation Asian Domination because it’s just silly to think Asians would want to take over the world. To all the Asians out there, All salamanders in apples need some Rogaine under leggy eyes, two weeks from today.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/3 cup prepared – 270 calories, 11 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 700 milligrams of sodium, 330 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 3 grams of sugar and 20 grams of protein.)

Item: Betty Crocker Asian Hamburger Helper Mongolian-Style Beef
Price: $3.50
Size: 6 ounces
Purchased at: Don Quijote
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting if you like Hamburger Helper Beef Stroganoff. Easy to make. Ready to eat in about 20 minutes. Two weeks from today. Olivia Munn.
Cons: Not Asian tasting. Noodles were gummy. Conspiracies that involve Asians wanting to take over the world. Not Mongolian. Freeze-dried peas and carrots were useless.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s 20% Fiber Frosted Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts

Marvo 22 Comments

Remember when low-carb foods were the big food trend?

You couldn’t walk down an aisle in your local supermarket without running into a food that claimed it was LOW-CARB in, ironically, fat letters. But the oddest thing about this craze was finding low-carb versions of items that were nothing but carbs, like low-carb pasta and low-carb bread.

That trend fortunately died, or lost so much weight with its own low-carb diet that it can no longer be seen, but it seems in its dying moments it passed the food trend torch to high-fiber foods, like the Kellogg’s 20% Fiber Frosted Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts, which I feel is extremely dangerous because, as we all know, too much fiber can lead to flatulence and too much flatulence near a torch leads to a flamethrower.

Despite the pyromaniacal possibilities with high-fiber foods, I’m excited about the fiber content in these Pop-Tarts. Although it’s sad the fiber it provides excites me more than the fact that it’s a frosted chocolate fudge Pop-Tart. If I were 20 years younger, I’m sure the focus of my delight would be reversed and I would shrug my shoulders to the five grams of fiber in each Pop-Tart while I chomp my way through its toasted, gooey goodness.

With this particular version of Pop-Tarts, Kellogg’s has successfully made them slightly healthier, without making them taste healthier. They attempted the same thing last year with their line of whole grain Pop-Tarts, which were good, but had a slightly off-putting, grainy texture. This Pop-Tarts variation doesn’t have that same texture, despite having the same amount of whole grains, but its crust did seem a little more fragile.

Even with five grams of fiber and 16 grams of whole grains, it tasted exactly like regular Frosted Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts. It had a great chocolate flavor and if you were to give one of these to a 13-year-old version of me, I definitely wouldn’t know that it has 20% of my daily recommended intake of fiber. Although if I ate all eight pastries in one sitting, I would definitely know I consumed 160% of my daily recommended intake of fiber. And so would the people around me.

If that does happen, I hope I’m not near a torch.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 190 calories, 5 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, and several vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s 20% Fiber Frosted Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts
Price: $3.79
Size: 8 pastries
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like regular Frosted Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts. Great chocolate taste. Sixteen grams of whole grain in each pastry. Provides 20% of my daily intake of fiber in each pastry. Vitamin and minerals.
Cons: Contains high fructose corn syrup. Crust is slightly more fragile that regular Pop-Tarts. Being excited about fiber. Eating an entire box of these Pop-Tarts. Low-carb pasta and low-carb bread. Flatulence and fire.

NEWS: Lean Cuisine Continues To Reproduce At A Rate Greater Than Nadya Suleman

Marvo 7 Comments

Lean Cuisine frozen meals reproduce at a rate that would cause rabbits to be appalled. The chefs at Lean Cuisine recently helped give birth to four new flavors of their frozen meals that appeal to dieting women, people who can’t boil water and the folks who run frozen/microwaveable food review blogs. The new varieties are:

Sun-Dried Tomato Pesto Chicken – Tender white meat chicken with cavatappi pasta, zucchini, black olives and Parmesan cheese tossed in a sun-dried tomato pesto sauce. (290 calories and 9 grams of fat.)

Pasta Romano with Bacon – Delicate bow tie pasta in a flavorful fire roasted tomato sauce with smoky bacon and topped with Romano cheese. (280 calories and 7 grams of fat.)

Linguine Carbonara Linguine – Pasta with savory bits of bacon, flavorful red and green peppers, peas and basil, all tossed in a creamy Parmesan sauce. (300 calories and 8 grams of fat.)

Beef Chow Fun – Tender strips of beef over bed of flat noodles with snap peas, red peppers and water chestnuts tossed in a sweet and spicy Asian-style sauce. (320 calories and 5 grams of fat.)

All of them should be available now at your local grocery store in the frozen food aisle with the 50-something other Lean Cuisine meals.

REVIEW: Hello Kitty Rice Seasoning Mix

Marvo 14 Comments

Death by Hello Kitty is not how I hope to leave this Earth, but the Hello Kitty Rice Seasoning Mix has the power to make it happen with its 2,739 milligrams of sodium per package.

Although that’s not how I imagined Hello Kitty would truly off me.

I figure if Hello Kitty wanted to end me, she would use Hello Kitty chloroform or Hello Kitty roofies to knock me unconscious, restrain me with Hello Kitty handcuffs or Hello Kitty duct tape, keep me silent with a Hello Kitty gag rag, throw me in the back of a Hello Kitty van, drive me to the nearest Sanrio shop, secure my body to a Hello Kitty torture rack, pour water all over me with a Hello Kitty bucket, wake me up via electrocution with Hello Kitty jumper cables connected to a Hello Kitty car battery, break my nose with the butt of a Hello Kitty M-16 assault rifle, place several connected sticks of Hello Kitty dynamite around my body with a long fuse, light the fuse with a Hello Kitty blowtorch, say to me “Goodbye, Kitty,” walk away and I blow up moments later.

The Hello Kitty Rice Seasoning Mix (or furikake for those of you who like to keep it real) is made up of Hello Kitty-shaped pieces of dried seaweed, strips of dried seaweed, rice crackers, bonito powder, monosodium glutamate and a shitload of salt and cuteness, both of which can cause high blood pressure.

When I first received the product, I expected it to contain nothing but kawaii Hello Kitty-shaped pieces of seaweed, but it came with all of the not-so-cute ingredients and only 5-7 Hello Kitty-shaped seaweed in each of the three packets. The amount is enough to satisfy a casual Hello Kitty fan, but not enough for a Hello Kitty maniac who would probably use the pieces to create an extravagant stop motion video and post it on YouTube to prove that she is THE Ultimate Hello Kitty Fan.

Each packet has enough to sprinkle over 3-4 bowls of rice or, if you’re feeling lucky, one-soon-to-be-very-salty bowl of rice. The product was much like other rice seasoning mixes I’ve had. It had a fishy and salty taste, although it was significantly saltier than others, but I guess it should be since salt is the first item listed in the ingredients list. I’m surprised that my blood pressure didn’t rise by just having it in my apartment. The rice crackers added a little crunch, but didn’t add to the taste since the salt and MSG overwhelmed everything, like the smell of a stripper after receiving a lap dance. Even with its disappointing taste, I can see Hello Kitty fanatics buying this to make their bowls of rice more adorable.

Besides increasing blood pressure, the Hello Kitty Rice Seasoning Mix proves that the people who own the license to Hello Kitty have no shame and love the money from licensing Hello Kitty to any company who is willing to dish it out. If Hello Kitty wanted to, she could probably get rid of those greedy bastard by using the second cutest way to die, which is Sailor Moon hair strangulation.

(Nutrition Facts – 16.5 gram package – 36 calories, less than 1 gram of fat, 0 grams saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 0 milligrams cholesterol, 2739 milligrams of sodium, 7 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Hello Kitty Rice Seasoning Mix
Price: FREE
Size: 3-pack
Purchased at: Received from sister
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Cute. Dried seaweed shaped like Hello Kitty. Rice crackers add crunch. It’s from Japan.
Cons: Extremely high in sodium. Contains MSG. Not a lot of Hello Kitty-shaped pieces of dried seaweed. No pink. Sailor Moon hair strangulation. Death by Hello Kitty. The whoring of Hello Kitty.

REVIEW: Ore-Ida Steam n’ Mash Garlic Seasoned Potatoes

Marvo 18 Comments

Eating mashed potatoes is a rare treat for me. I eat a lot of rice because I’m Asian and I’m afraid if I don’t eat enough of it my ancestors’ spirits, who were probably rice farmers in Japan, will come and take away my chopsticks and slanted eyes.

Of course, getting my RDA (Rice Daily Allowance) is easy here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean because rice is by far the number one starch. It’s rare to have the option to consume mashed potatoes, even at Thanksgiving or on August 19th, which is National Potato Day. The only times I get to enjoy mashed potatoes are at nice steak restaurants, buffets or after I accidently step on my Wendy’s baked potato.

It’s been awhile since I’ve had mashed potatoes, so I was looking forward to trying the Ore-Ida Steam n’ Mash Garlic Seasoned Potatoes, which is made of up a bag of frozen cubes of potatoes that you steam in the microwave and then mash to your heart’s content in a bowl. This product not only allows me to nosh on the butchered and crushed relatives of Mr. Potato Head, it also provides the missing link that enables me to describe my work ethic in terms of mashed potato preparation.

I can be mashed-potatoes-from-scratch diligent, Ore-Ida-Steam-n’-Mash somewhat reliable, instant-mashed-potatoes lackadaisical or accidently-stepped-on-my Wendy’s-baked-potato lazy.

There isn’t a lot of physical labor with the Ore-Ida Steam n’ Mash, compared with making mashed potatoes from scratch, which involves washing, peeling, cutting, boiling and other actions that infomercial gadgets promise to do. I just heated the bag in the microwave oven for ten minutes, let it sit for two minutes to cool down, poured its contents into a bowl, added 2/3 cup milk and then mashed it like a cockroach.

Its taste was bland, despite the garlic. If it weren’t for the addition of several tablespoons of butter, I probably would’ve made my rice-growing ancestors smile by throwing it away or making naughty sculptures with it. Its texture wasn’t too fluffy and there were a few raw, uncooked potato chunks here and there, which were unpleasant to bite my teeth into, but that was probably because I mash things instant-mashed-potatoes lackadaisically.

The Ore-Ida Steam n’ Mash Garlic Seasoned Potatoes are convenient and can be more than decent if you add other ingredients to the mix. It’s not close to smashed spuds made from scratch, but it’s better than instant mashed potatoes and a Wendy’s baked potato I accidently stepped on.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup – 110 calories, 4 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 330 milligrams of sodium, 250 milligrams of potassium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 2 gram of protein, 2% Vitamin A, 0% Calcium, 15% Vitamin C and 2% Iron.)

Item: Ore-Ida Steam n’ Mash Garlic Seasoned Potatoes
Price: $4.50
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Convenient. Easy to make. Tastes better when butter is added. Better than instant mashed potatoes. Allows me to describe my work ethic in terms of mashed potato preparation. Being mashed-potatoes-from-scratch diligent.
Cons: Bland. Still had a few chunks of uncooked, raw potatoes. Not close to being as good as mashed potatoes made from scratch. My mashing abilities. Being accidently-stepped-on-my Wendy’s-baked-potato lazy.