We are smack dab in the dog days of summer.
I always wanted to know why they called them that. Maybe itâ€™s because when itâ€™s almost 100 degrees and the humidity is thicker than a Shamrock Shake (and sometimes the same color if youâ€™re in an urban area) humans tend to stick out their tongues like canines (or 30-year-old virgins watching Megan Fox do anything) to alleviate excess heat from their bodies. I actually donâ€™t know if this is true, because Iâ€™ve never seen anyone who is considered mentally stable do it in public. However, in the privacy of their home it might be different.
If you do pant like a dog, perhaps you might want to try the new Dunkinâ€™ Donuts Grape Coolatta flavor to help bring your body temperature to a level that doesnâ€™t require an ice bath or a cold water wet t-shirt contest. Sadly, to TIB readers not from the East Coast, these flavors are unavailable since Dunkinâ€™ always stays true to their roots and test markets new products in their backyard, but even though these flavors are allegedly available where Iâ€™m from, they are harder to find than Painite.
I went to five DDâ€™s (you would think thatâ€™s a lot, but not when theyâ€™re on every single damn street) to try and find this slushy beverage. The first three sold out, and the fourth didnâ€™t get their shipment of, I guess, the sugary syrup. When I reached the last Dunkinâ€™ Donuts, I was very parched, and when I asked if they had the new flavors, I almost thought I was suffering from the heat which was melting my brain when the Dunkinâ€™ Donuts employee said through a muffled speaker, “Yes, (mumble) we (mumble) Grape Coolatta.”
I finally had my frozen concoction in my possession. The color was a nice deep purple, which looked bold in DDâ€™s clear cups. Then the moment had arrived, the moment that I was waiting for. I sucked on that straw, it hit my lips, then my taste budsâ€¦.and it tasted just like a grape ice pop.
Not a total let down, not a total shocker, but there was some disappointment. I will sound like someoneâ€™s 80-year-old grandmother who used to chew on melted tar, because they couldnâ€™t afford Big Red, when I say this, but you can purchase a huge bag of those double popsicles (or Siamese Ice Pops for you politically incorrect people) for the price of one medium or large Grape Coolatta.
Oh, itâ€™s not the consistency you want? Take them off of the stick and dump the ice pops in the blender. Bingo. Grape Coolatta.
As a fan of the other Coolattas (Coffee, the newly resurrected Vanilla Bean and the Tropicana Orange), Iâ€™m confused why they picked grape to be a new flavor. If they were going with the ice pop motif, you would want to go with the most popular flavor — cherry.
Grape ice pops are good, but theyâ€™ve always been the last picked in my freezer and when we would get Fla-Vor-Ice at school on hot days. Maybe Dunkinâ€™ felt bad about this. Every dog has his day, even if itâ€™s one thatâ€™s hot as an aging biker chick with a lower back tattoo. Wait, that isnâ€™t hot at all. Actually, thatâ€™s kind of gross.
(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – 240 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 59 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber and 58 grams of sugar.)
Item: Dunkinâ€™ Donuts Grape Coolatta
Price: $2.99 (price may vary depending on location)
Size: 16 ounces (small)
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Cools you off on a hot day. Double ice pops. Dunkinâ€™ Donuts around every corner in my area. Stays cold for a long time. Vanilla Bean is back.
Cons: Too expensive for what it actually is. Tastes like plain old grape ice pops. Old people saying the phrase “When I was a kid.” Only available for a limited time in a limited area. No Cherry Coolatta. Every calorie coming from sugar. Aging biker chicks with lower back tattoos.