REVIEW: Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee

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Update: Click here to read our review of the caramel version

There’s only one problem with the Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee — I can’t watch a cute barista make it for me.

Unless I steal a Starbucks employee apron and make one for myself in front of a mirror; or I kidnap a cute Starbucks employee and have her brew one for me.

If I do decide to abduct a hot barista, I won’t have her captive for long because making a Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee is quick and extremely simple. All the barista would have to do is rub the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again. Oh wait, I meant to write, it pours the packet into 16 ounces of cold water, stirs and then adds in ice cubes, up to four, or else it gets the hose once more.

When I made one myself, I had to vigorously stir for about 45 seconds to completely dissolve the coffee. You can also pour the packet into a bottle of water and shake it like you’re trying to get rid of your flabby underarms with a Shake Weight.

Each packet contains instant and microground arabica coffee and cane sugar, and it’s bigger than the original Starbucks VIA instant hot coffee packet. I didn’t know anything about arabica coffee, so I decided to do a quick Wikipedia search.

I discovered the coffee gets its name because it’s indigenous to the mountains of Yemen in the Arabian Peninsula, and not from one of the places the Beach Boys sang of in their song “Kokomo.” However, while it originates from Yemen, the arabica coffee is from Colombia.

The flavor of the iced coffee tastes almost like the Colombia Starbucks VIA Ready Brew, which is also made with arabica coffee. However, unlike the hot version, the iced version is lightly sweetened with cane sugar, which made it easier for me to drink. Of course, you can add any amount of your favorite sweetener to it or perhaps pour milk from your favorite animal teat. So far, I prefer mine with an ounce of vanilla milk from a soy teat.

I’m surprised by how much I enjoyed the Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee, because I’m not much of a coffee drinker. It doesn’t have a bold flavor, which if it did, would probably turn me off, instead it’s quite smooth and refreshing. And it also gave me a nice energy boost. Go coffee!

I see myself buying the Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee on a regular basis because I’m getting Starbucks iced coffee without the Starbucks iced coffee price. Sure, it would be nice if a cute barista also came inside the box and if I didn’t have to wait for water to freeze before I can put ice cubes in it, but I really love its combination of flavor, price, the fact it’s easy to make and its versatility. Since I’m able to add whatever I want, I could mix the instant iced coffee with chocolate sauce, milk and ice in a blender and make myself a mocha Frappuccino.

Or kidnap a cute Starbucks barista to make it for me.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 packet (13.3 grams) – 50 calories, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 12 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein)

Read other Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee reviews:
Drink What
Orange County Register
Pulpconnection
Possessed by Caffeine
Coffee Cup News (YouTube)
Wandering Foodie (YouTube)

Item: Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee
Price: $5.95
Size: 5-pack
Purchased at: A Starbucks inside of a Safeway that’s inside of a shopping center
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Very good. Inexpensive when compared with regular Starbucks. Easy to drink. Lightly sweetened. Easy to make. Versatile. Gave me a boost of energy. Shake Weight commercials.
Cons: Takes a lot of vigorous stirring to make the coffee dissolve completely. Doesn’t come with a cute barista. Coffee purists may not like it. Waiting for water to freeze. Kidnapping people.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Frappe (Mocha & Caramel)

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McDonald's Frappe

I’m waiting for Starbucks to snap their fingers and say, “Oh, no you didn’t,” in response to the McDonald’s Frappe, which is McDonald’s take on Starbucks’ Frappuccino.

After that point, I hope they get into a shouting match that involves verbal jabs that use their menu items as replacement terms for the violent acts they’re going to do to each other, like “I’m going to go all Grande Espresso on yo’ ass!” or “I’m going to Big Mac yo’ McNuggets!”

The McDonald’s Frappe is the company’s latest product to entice Gap/Banana Republic/J. Crew-wearing Starbucks drinkers into their restaurants. With this new addition to the McCafe menu, you and I will no longer need to wait in long lines, while smelling coffee beans being ground, at Starbucks for our ice blended coffee drink fix.

Instead, we can now wait in the long lines at McDonald’s and smell strips of potatoes being deep fried.

I like my coffee the same way I like my ice cream sundaes, made with ample amounts of cream, sugar, chocolate, caramel and whipped cream, and both the Mocha and Caramel Frappe provides all of that to mask the bitterness of coffee for me. Each Frappe is blended with ice and either a mocha coffee or caramel coffee base, then it’s topped with whipped cream and drizzled with either a chocolate or caramel syrup.

With the Frappe, McDonald’s does an excellent job at combining the flavor of their coffee with the nutrition facts of their burgers. While the Starbucks Frappuccino has more of a coffee flavor, the Frappe has a very strong cream taste. Both flavors were delicious, although I felt they were a bit too sweet. The Caramel one had a flavor that reminded me of coffee ice cream. While not slush-like, both blended beverages contained enough ice granules to provide me the opportunity to crush them between my teeth, which is a simple pleasure of mine, like watching the sunset or plucking the hair to separate my unibrow.

Another difference between the Frappuccino and Frappe are their nutritional values, which in some cases are quite significant. For example, a small Mocha Frappe has 170 more calories, twice the saturated fat, contains trans fat and 20 grams more sugar than a small (Tall) Mocha Frappuccino. Although to be fair, despite being “healthier” than a Frappe, a regular Frappuccino would not help you if you’re trying to fit into your wedding dress or win The Biggest Loser.

The McDonald’s Frappe are a good addition to the McCafe menu. They may have the same amount of calories and fat as a McDonald’s Double Cheeseburger, but I guess that’s to be expected since a Frappe is considered a dessert-type of beverage…and because it’s from the Golden Arches. Both flavors are delicious and I’d probably wait in a line at McDonald’s, with the smell of french fries in the air, to purchase another while wearing a Banana Republic outfit.

(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounces (small) – Mocha – 450 calories, 20 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 62 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 56 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 20% calcium and 2% iron. Caramel – 450 calories, 20 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 62 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 57 grams of sugar, 6 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 20% calcium and 2% iron.)

Item: McDonald’s Frappe (Mocha & Caramel)
Price: $2.79
Size: Small (12 ounces)
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Delicious. Reasonably priced. If you enjoy a Frappuccino, you’ll probably enjoy this. Caramel Frappe tastes like coffee ice cream. Using fast food menu items as replacement terms for the violent acts. Plucking eyebrows. Banana Republic Outlets.
Cons: Might be a bit too sweet for some. Worse nutrition facts than Starbucks Frappuccinos. Contains trans fats. Buying clothes at full price at Banana Republic. Waiting in long lines.

REVIEW: Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream

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Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream

As a place that is known for its calorie-filled coffee concoctions, I wasn’t surprised that Starbucks has their own line of calorie-filled coffee ice cream concoctions, although these pints of ice cream can’t be bought in one of the dozens of Starbucks locations within a 10 miles radius of you.

The new Starbucks Ice Cream line replaces the old Starbucks Ice Cream line made by Dreyer’s and features milk and cream that’s free from recombinant bovine growth hormones (rBGH). It comes in four different flavors and I chose the plain ol’ coffee flavor because I wasn’t feeling very adventurous at the time of purchase to try any of the other flavors — caramel macchiato, mocha frappuccino and java chip frappuccino — all of which are apparently brought to us by the letter O.

The Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream is made up of coffee and espresso ice creams. If you look closely at it you can see the swirls the two ice creams make and if you listen very carefully to the ice cream you might be able to hear the sounds of jazz or easy listening music playing, just like you’re sitting in a Starbucks location.

To be honest, I’ve consumed more water out of a rusty pipe than Starbucks coffee (although some people might say they taste the same), so I can’t tell you if the ice cream tastes similar to its insulated cupped brethren. But I do know that I’ve had better tasting coffee ice cream. While it has an adequate coffee flavor, it isn’t as creamy or as rich as other coffee ice cream I’ve had in the past, like the Haagen Dazs Coffee ice cream. Perhaps the use of espresso ice cream is the reason for that or maybe the it’s the “Starbucks Coffee Concentrate” that’s listed among the ice cream’s ingredients, which sounds like something Starbucks should start selling in a cup — straight up.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 210 calories, 13 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 19 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A and 10% calcium.)

Item: Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream
Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: One Pint
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting. Made with milk and cream that’s free from recombinant bovine growth hormones (rBGH). It’s size is one pint, unlike Haagen Dazs. The number of Starbucks locations.
Cons: Not as creamy or rich as other coffee ice cream I’ve had. Drinking out of a rusty pipe. Falling asleep to the music played in a Starbucks. Starbucks Coffee Concentrate sounds scary. The number of Starbucks locations.

REVIEW: Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Cinnamon Dulce Energy Drink

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As I type this, my heart is beating faster than usual.

It could be the 146 milligrams of caffeine I just consumed with the Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Cinnamon Dulce Energy Drink. Or it could be the alluring eyes and flowing hair of the twin-tailed siren in the Starbucks logo that is making my heart flutter and drawing me towards her to, perhaps, lead me to my watery grave or to wait in line at one of her stores to spend five dollars on a coffee made lovingly by a cute barista named Jennifer.

No! I must not give into her come-hither looks or else I will either end up in Davy Jones’s Locker or waste ten minutes of my life waiting in line listening to compilations of musicians that I have never heard of for a cup of coffee or a bottle Ethos Water.

Why, twin-tailed siren, must the company you represent make delicious, pricey coffee beverages? Why couldn’t you have represented a company that I wouldn’t have any contact with, like an inferior fish company on the East Coast or Circuit City?

I consumed an entire can of the Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Cinnamon Dulce Energy Drink. Does my ingestion of a creamy Starbucks product not satisfy you, she-fish? I even enjoyed it and it gave me such a good boost of energy that if there was a rickshaw nearby, I would be pulling it to wherever the caffeine, guarana, ginseng, and B Vitamins desired.

The red cinnamon and white vanilla made it feel like someone was celebrating Christmas in my mouth. It had a nice balance of cinnamon and vanilla, but together they did not make the coffee flavor their bitch, unlike what you’re doing to me with your cleavage between your flowing locks. I think they’re natural, but I must not look to find out if they’re real or else you will lure me into the underwater world of Snorkland or convince me purchase a Starbucks Rewards Card so that I can get two free consecutive hours of Wi-Fi every day.

What will it take for you to leave me alone and not convince me to drink more of your caffeinated beverages today, Starbucks logo? Tell me, fair maiden, so that I may bid you adieu.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – 200 calories, 3 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 770 milligrams of potassium, 33 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 28 grams of sugar, 12 grams of protein, 8% Vitamin A, 50% Vitamin C, 40% Calcium, 20% Vitamin D, 200% Riboflavin, 200% Niacin, 200% Vitamin B6, 100% Vitamin B12, 2000 milligrams of maltodextrin, 1800 milligrams of taurine, 450 milligrams of L-carnitine, 180 milligrams of inositol, 325 milligrams of panax ginseng, and 90 milligrams of guarana.)

(Editor’s Note: Look for this flavor in stores sometime in February. Thanks to the nice PR folks who sent this to us. Also, we reviewed the original Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Energy Drinks last year.)

Item: Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Cinnamon Dulce Energy Drink
Price: FREE (Retails for $2.59)
Size: 15 ounces
Purchased at: From nice PR people
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: It’s like Christmas in my mouth. Nice balance of cinnamon and vanilla, which doesn’t overpower the coffee. 146 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine gave me a good boost. No high fructose corn syrup. The Snorks.
Cons: Pricey (but isn’t everything from Starbucks). It’s 15 ounces and not 16 ounces. The alluring eyes, flowing hair, and cleavage of the twin-tailed siren in the Starbucks logo. Ending up in Davy Jones’s Locker.

Jack in the Box Caramel Iced Coffee

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Coffee superpower Starbucks has made a significant impact in the world. For some, it’s hard to imagine a world without Starbucks, so for those people I’ll use my imagination to give them an idea of it would be like. Without Starbucks, people wouldn’t spend days of their lives waiting in line for something called a Frappuccino; the term “Starbucks Run” wouldn’t exist, except in Battlestar Galactica; Borders and Barnes & Noble book stores would have more room for books; and we wouldn’t have mediocre iced coffee drinks from fast food restaurants that want to hitch onto the Starbucks coffee train, like the Jack in the Box Caramel Iced Coffee.

Flavored iced coffee was created for people who say they love coffee, but put so much cream and/or sugar in it that it turns the coffee into something that’s culinarily considered a dessert. I expected Jack in the Box to eventually come out with their own take on iced coffee, since both McDonald’s and Burger King each introduced an iced coffee within the past year.

It’s like these three fast food establishments are playing a game with consumers called Fat Fuck that involves one of them introducing a product and the others coming up with a variation of it, hoping that patrons will try all of them and choose the better one, which in turn causes the consumer to eat fast food more than they should, turning them into a fat fuck. It’s like the opposite of The Biggest Loser.

The Jack in the Box Caramel Iced Coffee, made from a blend of French roast coffee, had probably the least amount of caramel flavor legally possible before you can’t call it “caramel,” because I could hardly taste it. That lack of flavor made the beverage significantly more bitter than sweet, so it tasted pretty much like a normal iced coffee, which is another flavor Jack in the Box offers, along with vanilla. I tried the caramel one at two different Jack in the Box locations and both of them had an extremely light caramel flavor. Perhaps the only item that stands out about the Jack in the Box Caramel Iced Coffee is its inexpensive price, which makes Starbucks look like Neiman Marcus.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – 90 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 250 milligrams of potassium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, and one more fast food chain trying to hitch onto the Starbucks train.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Molly for suggesting to subject my taste buds to this mediocre iced coffee.)

Item: Jack in the Box Caramel Iced Coffee
Price: $2.19 ($1.69 at most other JITB)
Size: 16 ounces
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Inexpensive. Low fat. It’s cold. Ice cubes. 90 calories for 16 ounces. It comes in a cup. Putting it on my nipples will give me a wonderful sensation.
Cons: Extremely light caramel flavor. Not for those who like their iced coffee to be more sweet than bitter. The efforts of fast food companies to hitch a ride on the Starbucks train. Playing Fat Fuck. The word Frappuccino.

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