REVIEW: McDonald’s Frappe (Mocha & Caramel)

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McDonald's Frappe

I’m waiting for Starbucks to snap their fingers and say, “Oh, no you didn’t,” in response to the McDonald’s Frappe, which is McDonald’s take on Starbucks’ Frappuccino.

After that point, I hope they get into a shouting match that involves verbal jabs that use their menu items as replacement terms for the violent acts they’re going to do to each other, like “I’m going to go all Grande Espresso on yo’ ass!” or “I’m going to Big Mac yo’ McNuggets!”

The McDonald’s Frappe is the company’s latest product to entice Gap/Banana Republic/J. Crew-wearing Starbucks drinkers into their restaurants. With this new addition to the McCafe menu, you and I will no longer need to wait in long lines, while smelling coffee beans being ground, at Starbucks for our ice blended coffee drink fix.

Instead, we can now wait in the long lines at McDonald’s and smell strips of potatoes being deep fried.

I like my coffee the same way I like my ice cream sundaes, made with ample amounts of cream, sugar, chocolate, caramel and whipped cream, and both the Mocha and Caramel Frappe provides all of that to mask the bitterness of coffee for me. Each Frappe is blended with ice and either a mocha coffee or caramel coffee base, then it’s topped with whipped cream and drizzled with either a chocolate or caramel syrup.

With the Frappe, McDonald’s does an excellent job at combining the flavor of their coffee with the nutrition facts of their burgers. While the Starbucks Frappuccino has more of a coffee flavor, the Frappe has a very strong cream taste. Both flavors were delicious, although I felt they were a bit too sweet. The Caramel one had a flavor that reminded me of coffee ice cream. While not slush-like, both blended beverages contained enough ice granules to provide me the opportunity to crush them between my teeth, which is a simple pleasure of mine, like watching the sunset or plucking the hair to separate my unibrow.

Another difference between the Frappuccino and Frappe are their nutritional values, which in some cases are quite significant. For example, a small Mocha Frappe has 170 more calories, twice the saturated fat, contains trans fat and 20 grams more sugar than a small (Tall) Mocha Frappuccino. Although to be fair, despite being “healthier” than a Frappe, a regular Frappuccino would not help you if you’re trying to fit into your wedding dress or win The Biggest Loser.

The McDonald’s Frappe are a good addition to the McCafe menu. They may have the same amount of calories and fat as a McDonald’s Double Cheeseburger, but I guess that’s to be expected since a Frappe is considered a dessert-type of beverage…and because it’s from the Golden Arches. Both flavors are delicious and I’d probably wait in a line at McDonald’s, with the smell of french fries in the air, to purchase another while wearing a Banana Republic outfit.

(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounces (small) – Mocha – 450 calories, 20 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 62 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 56 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 20% calcium and 2% iron. Caramel – 450 calories, 20 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 62 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 57 grams of sugar, 6 grams of protein, 15% vitamin A, 20% calcium and 2% iron.)

Item: McDonald’s Frappe (Mocha & Caramel)
Price: $2.79
Size: Small (12 ounces)
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Delicious. Reasonably priced. If you enjoy a Frappuccino, you’ll probably enjoy this. Caramel Frappe tastes like coffee ice cream. Using fast food menu items as replacement terms for the violent acts. Plucking eyebrows. Banana Republic Outlets.
Cons: Might be a bit too sweet for some. Worse nutrition facts than Starbucks Frappuccinos. Contains trans fats. Buying clothes at full price at Banana Republic. Waiting in long lines.

REVIEW: KFC Fiery Grilled Wings

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The new KFC Fiery Grilled Wings aren’t covered in a sauce, like KFC’s other chicken wing alternatives. Instead they’re marinated in peppers and then grilled. I like the idea of having a sauceless spicy wing because it’s less messy. Although I really do enjoy cleaning my fingers when they’re covered in sauce, because when I do it, it’s not a chore, it’s an art.

Starting with my thumb, I lick the entire length of my finger, from the bottom to the top. When I reach the tip, I flick it with my tongue a few times and then lick around the tip, moving my tongue in a circular motion. I count “one Mississippi” in my head to time each circular lick. Then I wrap my entire mouth around my finger, tightly sealing my lips around my finger’s base.

While my finger is in my mouth, I push my tongue up against the underside of my finger to help make sure I’m getting every little morsel off of it. As I slowly pull my finger out of my orifice, I tighten my grip around it with my lips and then count, “one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi, five Mississippi.” When my lips reach the tip, I smack my lips and then slowly lick them from one side to the other to make sure all the flavor is in my mouth and not anywhere else. Then I repeat the process with the other fingers.

When I want to shake things up a bit, I’ll stick two or three fingers in my mouth at one time. When I’m feeling really adventurous I’ll stick four fingers in. And when I’m under the influence of something, I’ll attempt to fit my entire fist in my mouth.

But again, since the KFC Fiery Grilled Wings aren’t covered in sauce, I won’t need to do any sucking, licking or Mississippi counting.

I enjoyed KFC’s Kentucky Grilled Chicken and I like this smaller, spicier version just as much. However, if you don’t like spicy hot food in your mouth and then coming out your other end, you should avoid these because they will light your ass on fire. On a scale of 1-10 with three being the heat generated by putting your laptop on your lap and 10 being the burning sensation while peeing due to a night of unprotected sex with someone/something you shouldn’t have had unprotected sex with, I feel the KFC Fiery Grilled Wings come in at a seven.

The hot spices also add just enough flavor to not overpower the taste of the Kentucky Grilled Chicken that I know and love. The combination of hot spices with the regular spices added to the grilled chicken make for a delicious bird limb.

If there’s one thing that bothered me about them, it’s the lack of wing pieces. As you can see in the photo above, I received one wing piece and the rest were drumsticks. Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t know if it’s really a negative, since I prefer drumsticks over wings because they’re easier to eat.

Overall, I really liked the KFC Fiery Grilled Wings and if you enjoy spicy wings, you’ll probably like them too. But if you enjoy the sensation of sucking and licking sauce off of your fingers in a NSFW way and/or don’t like spicy food, I wouldn’t recommend these chicken wings.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 wing – 70 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber and 7 grams of protein.)

(NOTE: Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, the KFC Fiery Grilled Wings are slightly more expensive than most places. Their advertised price is $3.99 for five pieces. Also, check out Junk Food Betty’s review.)

Item: KFC Fiery Grilled Wings
Price: $4.99
Size: 5 pieces
Purchased at: KFC
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Delicious bird limbs. Spicy hot. Flavorful. Lack of sauce makes it cleaner to eat. Being able to spell Mississippi correctly. Sucking and licking sauce-covered fingers in a NSFW way.
Cons: Spiciness might be too much for some eaters. Lack of wing pieces might be a problem for some. Those who enjoy sucking and licking sauce-covered fingers will be disappointed.

REVIEW: Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Nuggets

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Prior to the creation of chicken nuggets, the only nuggets I’d ever known were those that have either the word “gold” or “nose” attached to them. When chicken nuggets first appeared on my sectioned school lunch tray, I was confused because I was told, unlike gold and nose nuggets, one didn’t need to do any digging in order to obtain them.

Since then, I’ve seen chicken nuggets more often than the others. This is probably due to nose nuggets being contained in Kleenex and gold being mostly seen in rapper chain/tooth form than in nugget form. As for chicken nuggets, I see them every time I walk through the frozen food aisle and, recently, whenever I pass by a Wendy’s, thanks to the huge window decal for their new Spicy Chicken Nuggets.

The Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Nuggets are made from white breast meat chicken, coated with Japanese-style breadcrumbs (panko) and packed with a number of spices like red peppers, chili peppers, turmeric, paprika and ground mustard seeds.

This orgy of spices may sound like the result of a McCormick spice factory explosion or Remy the rat from Ratatouille cooking while high on heroin, but the combination does give these chicken nuggets a nice amount of spice.

The heat didn’t immediately hit me, but instead slowly built up as I chewed my way through the carton of deep fried panko-ed goodness. If you’ve had Wendy’s Spicy Chicken sandwich, you’ll know how spicy these chicken nuggets can get. I was hoping the spices would provide the nuggets with enough flavor so that I wouldn’t need to use a dipping sauce, especially because of the use of ground mustard seeds, but that wasn’t the case.

The spices may not provide much flavor, but their heat does complement well with the variety of dipping sauces Wendy’s offers. They also have great crispy outside texture and were tender on the inside, much like their regular ones.

While I still personally prefer McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets with Hot Mustard Sauce when it comes to spicy chicken nuggets, I have to say these Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Nuggets are a tasty second option.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 pieces – 230 calories, 15 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 690 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein, 4% vitamin C and 2% iron.)

Item: Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Nuggets
Price: $1.49 (Paid with a gift card I received from Wendy’s)
Size: 6-pieces
Purchased at: Wendy’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice amount of heat. No trans fats. Crispy exterior. Tender interior. Kleenex. Finding gold nuggets. Eating chicken nuggets.
Cons: Spices didn’t provide flavor. Remy high on heroin. Spice factory explosions. Eating nose nuggets.

REVIEW: Burger King Funnel Cake Sticks

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Thank goodness for carnivals and circuses.

They give us the opportunity to consume foods we normal wouldn’t eat anywhere else, like cotton candy; something deep fried that shouldn’t have been, like a Snickers, Oreo or Twinkie; and you can eat funnel cake, which has a shape and look that makes it appear to be poop that got snowed on.

Carnivals also allow you to upchuck those foods, thanks to rides with names like “The Zipper,” “Gravitron,” “Twister,” “Tilt-A-Whirl” and the appropriately named, “Vomit Comet.”

Like beauty and the fame from being the first person booted off of a reality show, getting to enjoy carnival food is fleeting, unless you’re a carny or follow the carnival from town to town, sort of like an overweight Deadhead, except a carnival follower’s munchies aren’t caused by smoking weed.

Sure you could make your own funnel cake, but you know it won’t be as good as the stuff at the carnival, because you lack carny magic. If you’re hoping the new Burger King Funnel Cake Sticks are a good substitute for carnival funnel cake, think again…or think about growing a long beard, if you’re a woman, or working on your throwing accuracy with knives so that you can have your own tent to show off your freakish beard or pinpoint knife flinging.

The BK Funnel Cake Sticks come with nine pieces and a container of white icing dipping sauce. Each stick is 3.5 inches long, is covered in powdered sugar and has almost the same consistency as Burger King french fries — a slightly crunchy outside and soft inside.

The funnel cake sticks without the icing didn’t have much flavor, unless you count greasiness and my salty tears of disappointment. It didn’t remind me of funnel cake, instead it reminded me that I don’t really care for what Burger King produces in deep fried stick form, like their french fries and Chicken Fries.

Not even the container of icing helped make it sweeter and taste better because it just couldn’t subdue the greasiness. Adding more sugar might improve it. Or maybe casting some carny magic.

(Nutrition Facts – 9 sticks – 300 calories, 11 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 49 grams of carbohydrates, 30 grams of sugar and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Funnel Cake Sticks
Price: $2.49
Size: 9 sticks
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Comes with 9 sticks. Crunchy outside, soft inside. No trans fat. Comes in a convenient box that hold the sticks and dipping icing. Carnival rides. Carny magic.
Cons: Really greasy flavor. Didn’t remind me of funnel cake. Icing didn’t help with the greasy flavor. The Vomit Comet. How quickly people forget the first person kicked off of a reality show. Fried Twinkie/Oreo/Snickers. Carnival rides after eating carnival food.

REVIEW: Sonic Holiday Mint Blast

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Even before you have your second round of Thanksgiving leftovers, the flavor of the season changes. Pumpkin makes a graceful exit and peppermint takes over. I’m a pumpkin fan, but how can you not like a flavor that’s able to mask the boozy smell of cheap vodka and settle your stomach after a tray of gingerbread cookies at the office holiday party (or “special” brownies if you’re employed by High Times).

The Sonic Holiday Mint Blast gets into the spirit of the season without having to fight off overweight moms at superstores trying to get the hottest toy of the season, or without having to sit on the lap of a questionable man in a Santa suit. The Sonic Holiday Mint Blast’s color scheme is like a traditional candy cane, however the candy on top of it, which gives it its “holiday personality,” aren’t crushed candy canes, they’re little pieces of Andes Peppermint Crunch.

Although it appears like this dessert isn’t packing a lot of crunchy pieces, it’s what’s inside that counts. Chock-full of candy pieces swirled around delicately flavored peppermint soft serve and whipped topping (I know that sounds like a line of bullshit fast food restaurants use to describe their subpar food, but the Holiday Mint Blast can be described in such a flowery manner), the Holiday Mint Blast is a great treat that tastes like mint chocolate chip ice cream.

The “whipped topping” is a little bit too much; the first five spoonfuls are the just the topping and a few crunchy pieces. Even though looking like a candy cane can be festive, I wish they tossed some green in it. Put a dash of food coloring in the mix and BAM it oozes even more holiday spirit. But if you work at the High Times, I’m sure you can add your own green later.

The Sonic Holiday Blast is a deal at $2.99 for a regular, especially for those slightly skinny Santas out there who need to pack on the pounds quickly so they can fill out their red suits. Unfortunately, if it becomes a staple of their diet, they won’t be able to fit into their civilian clothes once the season is over.

(Nutrition Facts – Regular size – 695 calories, 28.7 grams of fat, 20.9 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 62 milligrams of cholesterol, 187 milligrams of sodium, 102 grams of carbohydrates, 93 grams of sugar, 0 grams of fiber, 7 grams of protein, 11% vitamin A, 30% calcium and 6% iron.)

Item: Sonic Holiday Mint Blast
Price: $2.99
Size: Regular
Purchased at: Sonic
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Plenty of wonderful Andes Peppermint Crunch. Peppermint flavor doesn’t get sickening. Oozing holiday spirit. Regular is large enough for two servings.
Cons: Skinny Santas. Loaded with fat, cholesterol, trans fats etc. etc. Green color isn’t added to the mix. Getting work done at the magazine High Times.

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