REVIEW: Ben & Jerry’s Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road

Ben & Jerry's Limited Batch Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road

Ben & Jerry’s latest creation, Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road, honors Sir Elton John’s first-ever Vermont appearance in 2008. If Elton John wanted to honor the ice cream that honors him in lyrical form, I believe it might go something like this:

Goodbye skinny jeans
Though I never really used you at all
You had the strength to hold yourself
While my gut pushed out like a wall
It oozed out from over the top
and it looked like you were baking bread.
I really need to run on a treadmill
Because I have 20 pounds I need to shed.

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like plastic bag in the wind
Never knowing what to cling to
When my fat ass came in
And I would have liked to have used you
But I was just too big
Your stitches tore out long before
Your buttons ever did.

Now if Ben & Jerry wanted to honor themselves for honoring Elton John for honoring the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream that honors Elton John in song form, I believe it would go like this:

Hey kids, mixing ingredients together
The freezer freezing something
that’s been known to change the weather.
We’ll milk the fatted calf tonight
so stick around.
You’re gonna taste creamy goodness
that will make you round.

Say, Cherry and Garcia, have you seen them with dairy.
Ooh, but they’re so spaced out, B-b-b-bennie and the Jerry’s.
Oh, but they’re weird and they’re wonderful.
Oh Bennie, he’s really all right.
He’s got plastic spoons, hippie tunes.
You know I read it on their website. Oh ho.
B-b-b-bennie and the Jerry’s

Now if I wanted to honor Ben & Jerry for their limited edition Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road ice cream that honors Elton John, I would say that it’s a pretty good ice cream that would make Sir Elton John happy, or gay, if you will. And why wouldn’t it? Because it consists of a hodgepodge of ingredients that would make most people giddy. It has chocolate ice cream, peanut butter cookie dough, brickle candy pieces and white chocolatey chunks.

The chocolate ice cream had the typical Ben & Jerry’s creaminess to it; the peanut butter cookie dough added a slight nuttiness; the brickle gave it a nice crunch and caramel flavor; and the white chocolatey chunks added…um…actually, I didn’t think they added anything, but they were big chunks and there were lots of them. Each spoonful had at least one of the added ingredients.

Of course, like most premium ice creams, the Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road is extremely high in saturated fat, providing 50% of your daily recommended intake of saturated fat in a half cup serving. But I ate an entire pint within a week and…

Don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever did.
Eating an entire pint of ice cream, eating it like a little kid.
I’m still standing after all the grinds.
Picking up my body even with all the fat you caused on my hind.

I’m still standing. Yeah yeah yeah.
I’m still standing. Yeah yeah yeah.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 280 calories, 15 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 95 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 26 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 10% calcium and 8% iron.)

(Note: If you don’t know which Elton John songs I referenced in this review, the first one was “Candle in the Wind,” followed by “Bennie and the Jets,” and ending with “I’m Still Standing.” On Second Scoop also reviewed it, but didn’t like it as much and didn’t reference any Elton John songs.)

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road
Price: $5.39
Size: One pint
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Pretty good. Chocolate ice cream was creamy. Peanut butter cookie dough added a slight nuttiness. Brickle add crunch and caramel flavor. Each spoonful had at least one of the added ingredients. Big white chocolate chunks. Elton John.
Cons: Big white chocolate chucks were bland. High in saturated fat. Limited batch. Eating an entire pint in a day. Butchering Elton John songs to match the theme of this review.

REVIEW: Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream

Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream

As a place that is known for its calorie-filled coffee concoctions, I wasn’t surprised that Starbucks has their own line of calorie-filled coffee ice cream concoctions, although these pints of ice cream can’t be bought in one of the dozens of Starbucks locations within a 10 miles radius of you.

The new Starbucks Ice Cream line replaces the old Starbucks Ice Cream line made by Dreyer’s and features milk and cream that’s free from recombinant bovine growth hormones (rBGH). It comes in four different flavors and I chose the plain ol’ coffee flavor because I wasn’t feeling very adventurous at the time of purchase to try any of the other flavors — caramel macchiato, mocha frappuccino and java chip frappuccino — all of which are apparently brought to us by the letter O.

The Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream is made up of coffee and espresso ice creams. If you look closely at it you can see the swirls the two ice creams make and if you listen very carefully to the ice cream you might be able to hear the sounds of jazz or easy listening music playing, just like you’re sitting in a Starbucks location.

To be honest, I’ve consumed more water out of a rusty pipe than Starbucks coffee (although some people might say they taste the same), so I can’t tell you if the ice cream tastes similar to its insulated cupped brethren. But I do know that I’ve had better tasting coffee ice cream. While it has an adequate coffee flavor, it isn’t as creamy or as rich as other coffee ice cream I’ve had in the past, like the Haagen Dazs Coffee ice cream. Perhaps the use of espresso ice cream is the reason for that or maybe the it’s the “Starbucks Coffee Concentrate” that’s listed among the ice cream’s ingredients, which sounds like something Starbucks should start selling in a cup — straight up.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 210 calories, 13 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 19 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A and 10% calcium.)

Item: Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream
Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: One Pint
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting. Made with milk and cream that’s free from recombinant bovine growth hormones (rBGH). It’s size is one pint, unlike Haagen Dazs. The number of Starbucks locations.
Cons: Not as creamy or rich as other coffee ice cream I’ve had. Drinking out of a rusty pipe. Falling asleep to the music played in a Starbucks. Starbucks Coffee Concentrate sounds scary. The number of Starbucks locations.

REVIEW: Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Macadamia Ice Cream

Here on these rocks in the middle of the Pacific Ocean we’re known for a lot of things, like warm weather throughout the year, beautiful beaches, pineapples, tourists, Kona coffee, meth addicts, hot female prostitutes who are actually men and marijuana. But were you aware that we’re also known for macadamia nuts?

If you’re not familiar with macadamia nuts, they were named after Australian chemist Dr. John Macadam by his colleague Ferdinand von Mueller, who probably wanted to throw his friend a bone since Mueller had several places in Australia and New Zealand named after him, which includes the Mueller Ranges, Mount Mueller, Mount von Mueller, Mueller’s Peak, the Mueller River, Mueller’s Creek, Lake Mueller, Mueller Glacier and Mueller Park. Macadamia nuts are special because they have the highest amount of beneficial monounsaturated fats among all known nuts, they have a decent amount of protein and carbohydrates and they’ve been called exotic nuts, like they’re Taiwanese tranny hookers.

If you ever visit Hawaii, macadamia nuts are the perfect gift to give to your friends and coworkers to tactfully brag about the fact that you vacationed in Hawaii and enjoyed 80 plus degree weather while they suffered through snow and near freezing conditions. Consider it the non-verbal equivalent of saying “Suck on deez nuts, bitches! I went to Hawaii! Jealous?”

Despite having easy access to macadamia nuts and them being so delicious, I don’t eat them too often because they’re expensive. Also, if I buy some, they’ll be less of them for those tourists who would like nothing better than to give a box of chocolate covered macadamia nuts to the annoying person in the cubicle next to them at work, then talking about how awesome their trip to Hawaii was and then asking what went on at work while he/she was soaking up some rays on a beach with a beverage served in a coconut and topped with a tiny paper umbrella.

While I don’t know if the new Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Macadamia Ice Cream has macadamia nuts from Hawaii, I do know that there wasn’t enough of them in the pint I purchased. Along with the nuts, which are fudge covered, this flavor also consists of chocolate and vanilla ice creams made from Fair Trade Certified cocoa and vanilla, which means the companies that produce them meet certain environmental, labor and development standards.

With all of the ingredients involved I expected the ice cream and my tongue to do the Lambada, the Forbidden Dance, but instead they ended up holding each other at arms length and just swaying from side to side as Atlantic Starr’s “Always” plays. The chocolate and vanilla ice creams were delicious and creamy, but the macadamia nuts overpowered their flavors, but only when I could get a macadamia nut in a spoonful. As I mentioned earlier, I felt there weren’t enough macadamia nuts throughout the pint of ice cream. I counted ten whole nuts, but I think I would’ve preferred them being in much smaller pieces so that they could be spread out more and dampen their flavor.

Now that I think about it, I guess I could add my own smaller pieces of macadamia nuts since they’re so easy to get on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 270 calories, 18 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 22 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 15% calcium and 8% iron.)

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Macadamia Ice Cream
Price: $3.99
Size: 1 Pint
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Chocolate and vanilla ice creams were delicious and creamy. Uses Fair Trade Certified cocoa and vanilla. Macadamia nuts. The perfect gift to give to your friends and coworkers to tactfully brag about the fact that you vacationed in Hawaii.
Cons: Macadamia nuts overpowered the flavor of the ice cream. Slightly disappointing. Not enough nuts were spread throughout the pint. Would’ve been better with smaller nut pieces. Getting chocolate covered macadamia nuts from your co-worker who just came back from Hawaii. Taiwanese tranny hookers.

REVIEW: Reese’s Klondike Bar

Reese's Klondike Bar

What would I do for a Reese’s Klondike Bar?

I think I’d do a lot for one, because they are pretty damn good with their Reese’s Peanut Butter-flavored ice cream and milk chocolate coating. They also apparently have Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup pieces in the ice cream, but I didn’t see any in all of the six bars I had.

Unless, there weren’t pieces of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Maybe there were molecules or atoms of Reese’s instead. Or perhaps quarks. Whatever amount of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups were in each Klondike Bar, it didn’t help make it taste much like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. If it had visible pieces though, I think it probably would’ve tasted more like a one. Even though it didn’t taste like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, as I said before, it’s pretty damn good.

It also would’ve been cool if the Reese’s Klondike Bar was shaped like a giant peanut butter cup. Instead it came in the typical missionary-position-boring Klondike Bar block shape.

Besides the lack of pieces of Reese’s, another thing I didn’t like about the Reese’s Klondike Bar was the fact that it melted pretty quickly while I ate it. But then again, I do live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and it’s 83 degrees outside, so I should’ve expected that.

Overall, I do think the Reese’s Klondike Bar rocks and I think the best way for me to explain how much I like these Reese’s Klondike Bars would be to sing a song. Just to let you know, my voice has the power to break windows. Although the reason why windows break whenever I sing is because of the people breaking them to quickly get far away from me as possible. In other words, I can’t sing.

So I’ll just write a song and you can make your own melody and sing it at your office, house, or American Idol audition.

The Reese’s Klondike Bar Song

For just one Reese’s Klondike Bar I probably won’t do much.
If I were a woman, “first base” is all I would let you touch.
For one, I’d let Kate Moss do lines of coke off my butt.
I’d even buy K-Fed’s CD and then kick him in the nuts.

For just two Reese’s Klondike Bars I wouldn’t sell my soul.
If I were at a nightclub, I would dance with a troll.
For two, I’d force Nicole Richie to eat more than a bread roll.
I’d even beg Britney Spears to use birth control.

For just three Reese’s Klondike Bars the list gets a little long.
Added to that list, is me doing a striptease in a thong.
For three, I’d boo whenever I hear a Creed or Clay Aiken song.
I’d even protect Naomi Campbell’s assistants when they do something wrong.

For just four Reese’s Klondike Bars there are many things I would do.
If I were in Australia, I’d get into a ring and fight a kangaroo.
For four, I’d shut Bill O’Reilly’s mouth with some tape and glue.
I’d even bitchslap Star Jones during a taping of The View.

For just five Reese’s Klondike Bars almost anything would be okay.
I’d put on a tight dress, clear high heels, and lacy lingerie.
For five, I’d watch The Tony Danza Show every single day.
I’d even try to find out if Tom Cruise is really gay.

For just six Reese’s Klondike Bars I’d do everything and more.
For elderly, handicapped, and MILFs, I’d hold open a door.
For six, I’d touch one of Paris Hilton’s herpes or syphilis sores.
I’d even spend several dollars and buy Reese’s Klondike Bars from the store.

That’s what I would do for a Reese’s Klondike Bar.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Anthony for letting me know about the Reese’s Klondike Bar.)

Item: Reese’s Klondike Bar
Price: $4.00 (on sale – Box of six)
Purchased At: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Damn good, despite not tasting like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. Thick ice cream bar. Great to eat when it’s hot or when you’ve had your heart ripped out by an ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend. Actual Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
Cons: Didn’t see pieces of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Gets messy when eating them on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Almost all the things I would do for a Reese’s Klondike Bar. My inability to sing.