Ruffles Light Potato Chips

Ruffles Light

I thought I had accumulated enough good karma to prevent something like this.

I didn’t have to open doors for those strangers. I didn’t have to help those tourists who asked me for directions. I could’ve ignored them or said, “Me speaka no Englesh.”

I could’ve laughed and pointed at all those people who fell, tripped, or slipped in front of me, instead of offering them help and seeing if they were all right.

But I didn’t do it because I wanted to accumulate a ton of credits in my good karma bank account. I did all those good things just so I could avoid bad things, like eat a bag of Ruffles Light Potato Chips.

Oh, they tasted much like regular Ruffles and they were less greasy, but any product that turns my ass into a volcano can’t be good. R-R-Ruffles Have R-R-Ridges! R-R-Ruffles Light Causes R-R-Rectal Er-r-ruptions!

If only I were bulimic, all the time spent on the porcelain bowl would’ve meant something.

Although, I should’ve known it was too good to be true. I knew there must have been some kind of catch. How can a potato chip be fat free and have half the calories of its regular counterpart, and yet still taste the same?

Well I found out the truth the hard way.

Who knew Olean was another name for Olestra?

Olean. Olestra. Oh crap…literally!

For those of you who are not familiar with the possible side effects of Olestra, they are: diarrhea, gas, and cramps. I experienced two out of the three, which no matter how you look at it, is a horrible ratio.

Hitting two out of three free throws…good. Getting two hits in three at bats…good. Getting two out of three Olestra side effects…bad…very bad.

At least I didn’t experience another one of Olestra’s side effects, anal leakage. My Jockey Next to Nothing Boxer Briefs were very thankful.

I guess it didn’t help I ate half of the bag in one sitting, while watching Behind the Music: Guns N’ Roses for the sixth time.

I noticed something was wrong when I started having lots of gas. If the amount of gas I was putting out could fuel cars, I could’ve easily dropped gas prices by a dollar.

Then came the constant trips to the bathroom. For two straight days, I attempted to go running, but within five minutes I found myself running to the nearest restroom.

It wasn’t pretty. Even as I type this, I’m still experiencing some the effects of the Ruffles Light, which I finished off on Sunday.

What the hell do I have to do to earn enough good karma to prevent something like this from happening again? Do I have to get Jen and Brad back together? Take down Walmart? Or rescue Britney’s baby shortly after it’s born?

Item: Ruffles Light
Purchase Price: $3.39
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: Tastes similar to regular Ruffles. Zero-fat. Low-calorie. No anal leakage.
Cons: Bag smaller than regular Ruffles. Not enough karma credits. Olestra. May cause excessive use of toilet paper. May cause excessive gas.

38 thoughts to “Ruffles Light Potato Chips”

  1. Cursing Mama – Yes, I can’t just eat one. Once I pop I can’t stop. If only potato chips weren’t great comfort food.

    MediumLargePhill – Unfortunately, we don’t have a Bath and Body Works here. I wish we did, along with a Victoria’s Secret, because it would make it easier to find gifts for the ladies in my life. Well…If I had ladies in my life.

    Lorien – Fortunately, I was mostly around a toilet, so it wasn’t so bad.

    Webmiztris – I think Frito-Lay is the ONLY company that uses it. I wonder why?

    taikog – 1. Yes, ewww. 2. Tiger? Maybe. 3. Pepsi with Lime…I’ve had my fill of sodas with lime.

    Anna – My pain is your pleasure.

  2. Damon – I just looked it up on the Pringles website, they still do have Fat Free Pringles with Olestra. Dare me to eat the whole can!

    nat – Thanks for your concern. Don’t worry about my grief. I was more worried about my boxer brief. I hoped my butt cheeks weren’t weak. As I tried to make my hole not speak.

    Genny from the Burbs – Oh crap! Mother’s Day is coming up! Thanks for reminding me.

    Meredith – Anything in excessive amounts is bad for you, whether it is full of fat or fat free. To be honest, I think this Olestra thing might be a good way to prevent people, like myself, from overeating foods. Eat small portions and you’ll be all right. Eat large portions and sit on the crapper for hours.

  3. Wait a sec, you started experiencing the side effects and yet you went back and finished the bag? Dude, you’re braver than I ever could be. Props!

  4. Kt’s Crazy idea of the day:
    They are actually full fat/full calorie, but you burn the equivalent of the calories/fat running back and forth to the bathroom because they are laced with laxatives.

    I’ve unraveled your secret plan, Frito Lay! Muaha!

  5. Loy – What can I say? I hate letting food go to waste. 🙂

    kt – I don’t think it run, I think it’s walk as fast as you can with your butt cheeks clenched. Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea, YAY! Pepto Bismol!

  6. rfduck – Little known fact about Olestra products. When products with Olestra first came out, they had to have a warning label with the side effects of Olestra. However, today it isn’t required to have that warning label. Thanks FDA!

  7. Man, that Olean is nasty. I ate it during a camping trip and then shat for hours. Not fun in a cramped campground potty cave.

    Hey you are fast becoming, like, the crash test dummy action hero of culinary experimentation…

  8. A fine product Olestra is, huh? Personally, I used to just avoid any products that say “may cause anal leakage” on them…too bad the Olestra warning label is no longer required. Those sneaky FDA bastards. You know somebody there got paid off.

  9. Chuck – Eh? Warning labels. Warning smabels. Well I figure if people don’t know what Olestra is before they eat it, they surely will know what it is after they eat it.

  10. Dude. Even before I started reading the review, my first thought was, “Yo, don’t you see the big OLEAN sign on the package? STAY AWAY.” Having OIL pour out of your ass? Bad thing. Now, I realize that perhaps those lucky souls who *don’t* have a reaction to Olean just don’t even notice it enough to ever talk about, it strikes me that I have never heard of anyone who can eat that, uh, crap. Seriously, is there anyone out there who DOESN’T get sick as hell from it?

  11. Eliza – I didn’t realize Olean was another name for Olestra until half way through the bag, but I learned a valuable lesson…the hard way.

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