Ruffles Light Potato Chips

Ruffles Light

I thought I had accumulated enough good karma to prevent something like this.

I didn’t have to open doors for those strangers. I didn’t have to help those tourists who asked me for directions. I could’ve ignored them or said, “Me speaka no Englesh.”

I could’ve laughed and pointed at all those people who fell, tripped, or slipped in front of me, instead of offering them help and seeing if they were all right.

But I didn’t do it because I wanted to accumulate a ton of credits in my good karma bank account. I did all those good things just so I could avoid bad things, like eat a bag of Ruffles Light Potato Chips.

Oh, they tasted much like regular Ruffles and they were less greasy, but any product that turns my ass into a volcano can’t be good. R-R-Ruffles Have R-R-Ridges! R-R-Ruffles Light Causes R-R-Rectal Er-r-ruptions!

If only I were bulimic, all the time spent on the porcelain bowl would’ve meant something.

Although, I should’ve known it was too good to be true. I knew there must have been some kind of catch. How can a potato chip be fat free and have half the calories of its regular counterpart, and yet still taste the same?

Well I found out the truth the hard way.

Who knew Olean was another name for Olestra?

Olean. Olestra. Oh crap…literally!

For those of you who are not familiar with the possible side effects of Olestra, they are: diarrhea, gas, and cramps. I experienced two out of the three, which no matter how you look at it, is a horrible ratio.

Hitting two out of three free throws…good. Getting two hits in three at bats…good. Getting two out of three Olestra side effects…bad…very bad.

At least I didn’t experience another one of Olestra’s side effects, anal leakage. My Jockey Next to Nothing Boxer Briefs were very thankful.

I guess it didn’t help I ate half of the bag in one sitting, while watching Behind the Music: Guns N’ Roses for the sixth time.

I noticed something was wrong when I started having lots of gas. If the amount of gas I was putting out could fuel cars, I could’ve easily dropped gas prices by a dollar.

Then came the constant trips to the bathroom. For two straight days, I attempted to go running, but within five minutes I found myself running to the nearest restroom.

It wasn’t pretty. Even as I type this, I’m still experiencing some the effects of the Ruffles Light, which I finished off on Sunday.

What the hell do I have to do to earn enough good karma to prevent something like this from happening again? Do I have to get Jen and Brad back together? Take down Walmart? Or rescue Britney’s baby shortly after it’s born?

Item: Ruffles Light
Purchase Price: $3.39
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: Tastes similar to regular Ruffles. Zero-fat. Low-calorie. No anal leakage.
Cons: Bag smaller than regular Ruffles. Not enough karma credits. Olestra. May cause excessive use of toilet paper. May cause excessive gas.

38 thoughts on “Ruffles Light Potato Chips

  1. Good call on the Olean laced chips. I have had the same problem with them in the past. Not recommended for anyone with a week digestive system, that’s for sure. I think I’ll stick to cheez-its. BTW, you should review the new Cheez-it’s BIG…. a very excellent snack. Just a suggestion.

    – The “MG”

  2. Megan – Thanks, I’m almost fully recovered. I guess a positive from this experience is that I lost a pound of weight.

    TMG – This might be hard to believe, but I’ve never had a Cheez-Its in my life. I’ve had Goldfish, but not Cheez-Its.

  3. In high school I tried out the Olean stuff in those WOW! chips that came out. Turned out I was one of the 1 in 4 people allergic to the stuff. The next day I was totally cramped up and in pain. Had to leave school early and spent the whole day in bed trying not to cry from the pain.

    My aunt wrote Lays a letter explaining how their product was causing people to double over in pain. They sent me back coupons for a couple free bags of WOW! chips, no kidding.

    How nice of them.

  4. “R-R-Ruffles Light Causes R-R-Rectal Er-r-ruptions!” ROTFLMAO!

    For future reference, “diet” chocolate candy also has a “laxative effect.” Irony?

  5. karma and chips, two things that never go together.
    you’ve probably exhausted all that karma on that crappy spring water – eating chips was hence punishment.
    of course, it could be a blessing – imagine losing weight after eating chips..
    you might just have found a new mantra for diets 😛

  6. Ok so i can’t believe you have never heard of Cheez-It’s. They are the best. I will send you some if you would like. They would be worth it. Anyway I think we see a pattern here anything that is light, low carb, or fat free usually does not have a good affect on the body. This is why you should stick to the original although then what would you review. Good luck not getting into any more trouble with the Olean crap!!

  7. I think the idea of diet chips is that you can have some – not all, but really who can resist a whole bag of chips. I would bet the after affects resulted in less than 1/2 the calories of regular chips being stored by your body; dieters may find that appealing.
    Since everything supposedly has a purpose, might they work as a tasty laxative if you’re low on fiber and out of phillips?

  8. Thanks for the heads up I actually almost went out and bought some the other day. BTW if you feel like reviewing another kind of bar soap i suggest the shower bar from bath and body works, it exfoliates like a loofa.

  9. Good thing I wasn’t drinking while reading this – I almost cried laughing.

    Umm….sorry diarrhea and gas, btw. But funny stuff!

  10. Oh man I feel real bad for you.
    I Cant believe you even tried that crap……or even ate Half a bag.
    If Your Anus Had Arms Or Legs Iam sure it would have kicked your ass right on the spot.

    I remember the first time I had Olestra.
    I was on vacation with my brother and father. We were driving from P.A.
    To California. We Decided to get lunch in Ohio, so we stopped at a grocery store. We grabbed some cans of Pringles and other Food, Paid then went on our way.
    Let’s just say the whole trip out to California was not a very Fun or good smelling one!
    This was when Olestra Pringles just came out so we really didn’t know the consequence’s.
    I Have never eaten Any Anal Lub….Olestra Since That Time.

  11. That Olestra is NASTY! I had some fat-free ice cream recently (topped with fat-free hot fudge) and spent 4 hours in and out of the bathroom. Just say NO to Fat substitutes!! (and I’m sorry for your intestinal “grief.”)

  12. Wow, my mom never let me near any of that low fat or fat free stuff as a child and the effects have continued into adulthood. I guess I should get her an extra nice mother’s day present this year.

    “Dear Mom, Thank you for sparing me rectal distress at the hands of evil fat substitutes.”

  13. I guess I’ll be the lone dissenter here: I like the Olean chips. The reason they get such a bad reputation is because people aren’t eating them properly. Assume they have half the fat and half the calories of regular chips. Does this mean you should eat twice as many? No, it means you should still eat in moderation, and when you do the effect won’t be as bad as if you had the same amount of full-fat, full-calorie chips. Less fat and fewer calories is not a license to eat half the bag, unfortunately. I’m sorry those of you who have been the victim of Olestra problems had to suffer through them…but I can’t justify blaming the compound itself.

  14. Lord Jezo – So did you use the coupons? eBay them! I’m sure they’re collector’s items by now.

    Kirkkitsch – I’ve noticed several foods have that label on them, “May have a laxative effect.” But honestly, doesn’t eating any food eventually make you wanna poop.

    SEV – Now that I think about it, I probably wasted all my good karma, not only on the sparkling water, but also on the Carb Well cereal and all the other crappy products I’ve tried. Maybe I need to start giving my loose change to the panhandlers at the convenience store.

    jennifer and the beans – And what a great feature it is! (Please note sarcasm)

    Peggasus – I didn’t notice that, but you are probably correct. That’s frickin’ funny!

    Becky – As I’ve said before, for some reason the low-fat, low-calorie stuff makes better reviews.

  15. Cursing Mama – Yes, I can’t just eat one. Once I pop I can’t stop. If only potato chips weren’t great comfort food.

    MediumLargePhill – Unfortunately, we don’t have a Bath and Body Works here. I wish we did, along with a Victoria’s Secret, because it would make it easier to find gifts for the ladies in my life. Well…If I had ladies in my life.

    Lorien – Fortunately, I was mostly around a toilet, so it wasn’t so bad.

    Webmiztris – I think Frito-Lay is the ONLY company that uses it. I wonder why?

    taikog – 1. Yes, ewww. 2. Tiger? Maybe. 3. Pepsi with Lime…I’ve had my fill of sodas with lime.

    Anna – My pain is your pleasure.

  16. Damon – I just looked it up on the Pringles website, they still do have Fat Free Pringles with Olestra. Dare me to eat the whole can!

    nat – Thanks for your concern. Don’t worry about my grief. I was more worried about my boxer brief. I hoped my butt cheeks weren’t weak. As I tried to make my hole not speak.

    Genny from the Burbs – Oh crap! Mother’s Day is coming up! Thanks for reminding me.

    Meredith – Anything in excessive amounts is bad for you, whether it is full of fat or fat free. To be honest, I think this Olestra thing might be a good way to prevent people, like myself, from overeating foods. Eat small portions and you’ll be all right. Eat large portions and sit on the crapper for hours.

  17. Wait a sec, you started experiencing the side effects and yet you went back and finished the bag? Dude, you’re braver than I ever could be. Props!

  18. Kt’s Crazy idea of the day:
    They are actually full fat/full calorie, but you burn the equivalent of the calories/fat running back and forth to the bathroom because they are laced with laxatives.

    I’ve unraveled your secret plan, Frito Lay! Muaha!

  19. Loy – What can I say? I hate letting food go to waste. 🙂

    kt – I don’t think it run, I think it’s walk as fast as you can with your butt cheeks clenched. Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea, YAY! Pepto Bismol!

  20. rfduck – Little known fact about Olestra products. When products with Olestra first came out, they had to have a warning label with the side effects of Olestra. However, today it isn’t required to have that warning label. Thanks FDA!

  21. Man, that Olean is nasty. I ate it during a camping trip and then shat for hours. Not fun in a cramped campground potty cave.

    Hey you are fast becoming, like, the crash test dummy action hero of culinary experimentation…

  22. A fine product Olestra is, huh? Personally, I used to just avoid any products that say “may cause anal leakage” on them…too bad the Olestra warning label is no longer required. Those sneaky FDA bastards. You know somebody there got paid off.

  23. Chuck – Eh? Warning labels. Warning smabels. Well I figure if people don’t know what Olestra is before they eat it, they surely will know what it is after they eat it.

  24. Dude. Even before I started reading the review, my first thought was, “Yo, don’t you see the big OLEAN sign on the package? STAY AWAY.” Having OIL pour out of your ass? Bad thing. Now, I realize that perhaps those lucky souls who *don’t* have a reaction to Olean just don’t even notice it enough to ever talk about, it strikes me that I have never heard of anyone who can eat that, uh, crap. Seriously, is there anyone out there who DOESN’T get sick as hell from it?

  25. Eliza – I didn’t realize Olean was another name for Olestra until half way through the bag, but I learned a valuable lesson…the hard way.

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