Month: September 2005

REVIEW: Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat

Marvo 41 Comments

Limited Edition Coffee KitKat

Kit Kat, because of its four chocolate covered wafer fingers, is the perfect candy for sharing, making fake walrus teeth with, and always comes in handy if you’re being attacked by Star Jones Reynolds.

However, with this Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat, I don’t want to share them. As a matter of fact, if Star Jones Reynolds did attack me, instead of using the Coffee Kit Kat to lure her away, I’d just let her maul me and then when she’s not looking, I’ll chop off whatever limb she’s gnawing on and run/hop away to safety.

I don’t feel like sharing the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat because:

1. They’re damn good.
2. They’re limited edition
3. I’m a greedy asshole.
4. They’re my precious. MY PRECIOUS!!!

I was surprised that I really liked the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat, because I don’t like drinking coffee at all. For some reason, coffee doesn’t agree with me.

Whenever I try coffee or anything from Starbucks, my stomach turns, like when I smell Britney Spears’ perfume Curious, which has a product description that goes like this, “Britney Spears personifies daring and piques the curiosity of young women everywhere. Curious by Britney Spears represents the young woman that pushes boundaries and revels in adventure.”

(Pause for dry heaving)

I’m sorry for the dry heaving. Apparently, I not only get nauseous from smelling crap, I also get nauseous from reading crap.

Anyway, the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat is damn good, it has a nice coffee taste and smell that’s not too strong, unlike the amount of perfume on most strippers.

I was not only surprised by the great coffee taste, I was also surprised that I found a variation of a candy bar that I liked just as much as the original. It seems like candy companies are constantly trying different things to tweak their candy.

For example, the Kit Kat Extra Creamy, which I had a few months ago, was totally lame, because it didn’t change the taste of the Kit Kat. It changed only the texture and it didn’t change it significantly. It’s like if Michael Jackson had plastic surgery today, it won’t make much of a difference, because he’s had so much plastic surgery.

In reality, I think the only plastic surgery left that he can get done is getting breast implants.

But even then, no matter how much plastic surgery he has, Jacko will still be the ghostly pale freak that moonwalks and will still be less brown than the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat.

Item: Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat
Purchase Price: 55 cents
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Nice strong coffee taste, but not too strong. Just as good as the original Kit Kat.
Cons: Limited edition. Might turn you into a greedy prick. The description of Britney Spears’ perfume, Curious. Being mauled by Star Jones Reynolds.

REVIEW: Nissin Cup Noodles Souper Meal Chicken Flavor

Marvo 25 Comments

Nissin Cup Noodles Souper Meal Chicken Flavor

(Editor’s Note: Impulsive Buy reader and starving college student, Amanda, asked me if I would be willing to review products that don’t need to be refrigerated and can be prepared by just adding water. I thought I could do a week of products of like this, but surprisingly, I couldn’t find many. Thank goodness for dried ramen.)

If I were on the game show Family Feud and the following question was asked, “What things would you typically find in a men’s college dorm room?” I would probably say the following things:

1. Textbooks that won’t be opened until midterms.
2. A computer with gigabytes of porn and illegally downloaded music and movies.
3. Enough empty beer cans to have several lanes of beer can bowling.
4. Several bongs made out of either glass, beer cans, or fruits.
5. A potpourri of free condoms from the Condom Fair on campus.
6. Cases of dried ramen.

During my freshman year in college, I ate a lot of dried ramen. However, during my sophomore year, my dried ramen consumption dramatically decreased when my friend attending the University of Arizona told me about a student there who died from malnutrition because the only thing he ate was dried ramen.

Today, I hardly ever touch the stuff. However, recently I picked up a Nissin Cup Noodles Souper Meal Chicken Flavor. Now when they say “souper,” they really mean “souper.” The styrofoam bowl is probably more than twice the size of a typical Cup Noodles bowl, which means it is probably big enough to use as a helmet for beer can bowling.

The Souper Meal may have been bigger than a typical Cup Noodles, but preparing it was the same. Just boil some water, peel back the lid, pour the boiling water into the styrofoam bowl, cover the bowl with the lid, wait for three minutes, peel back the lid again, stir, consume, and then wish you could afford some real food.

Each Souper Meal comes with three individual packets, one for the chicken flavored soup base; another for the freeze-dried vegetables, which includes corn, mushrooms, carrots, onions, and cabbage; and another for the Finishing Touch flavor packet.

Finishing Touch?

That’s something I expect from an Asian massage parlor, not from an instant Asian soup dish.

Well I tried the Souper Meal with and without the Finishing Touch flavor packet, and after trying it, I wished that it was the Asian massage parlor Finishing Touch instead, because it really didn’t add anything to the Souper Meal. Either way, it tasted and looked like a typical chicken flavored Cup Noodles.

While eating the Souper Meal, I began reading the nutritional facts on the side of the bowl and found out that the entire bowl had 2,540 milligrams of sodium, which was possibly enough to either raise my blood pressure or turn me into a human salt lick.

However, I also found out that it has four grams of dietary fiber. Although, it probably isn’t enough to negate the nine grams of saturated fat, which is 50 percent of your daily allowance.

After reading all of that, I put my fork down and dumped the rest of the Souper Meal down the drain, because dying via a sexual asphyxiation fetish is fine, but dying by the hands of dried ramen is not.

Item: Nissin Cup Noodles Souper Meal Chicken Flavor
Purchase Price: $1.49
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like regular chicken flavored Cup Noodles. More than double the size of a regular Cup Noodles. Four grams of dietary fiber in every bowl. Styrofoam bowl may make a good helmet for beer can bowling.
Cons: Helluva lot of sodium and saturated fat. Fogs up my glasses when I eat it. Not much “souper” about it. Dying by the hands of dried ramen. Finishing Touch packet wasn’t the Finishing Touch I really wanted.

September Prize Drawing Winners Announced!!!

Marvo 10 Comments

Congratulations to Impulsive Buy readers Aaron, Kate, and Chris for being the winners of this month’s prize drawing. Sorry, no pictures this time, but even if I did take picture, they would’ve been boring. It would’ve been pictures of me pulling out entries from a trucker hat. Yawn!

Oh, while I have your attention, I guess I should let you folks know about a new blog I started with the world’s most boring title, “Marvo’s Blog.” I just started it a couple days ago, and it will either give you a behind the scenes look at what it’s like to be a quasi-product review blog editor or it will be about puppies and butterflies. Actually, to be honest, I’m not sure what that blog is going to be about.

If you’re bored, you can check it out here.

PS – I’m sorry there haven’t been many reviews for the past couple of weeks, but by this weekend I’ll be done with my freelance gig and I’ll have more time to write reviews. I’ve got some awesome products to review. Not only do I have an edible hemp product, I’ve also got a sexual product that vibrates, but it’s not what you think.

REVIEW: Monster Energy XXL

Marvo 23 Comments

After I quickly chugged down all 23.5 ounces of Monster Energy XXL shotgun-style, I was afraid with all the caffeine in my body, I was going to do something rash, like wrestle a bear, tackle a homeless person, watch Taradise on the E! Channel, or become a Scientologist.

Fortunately, none of that happened, but I was totally wired. Although not as wired as that time I took two Vivarin to pull an all-nighter to study for my Japanese 202 final, which caused my hands to shake constantly through the entire exam.

And let me tell you, it isn’t easy writing complicated kanji characters when my hands are shaking like I’m trying to disarm a bomb or unhook a woman’s bra for the first time.

With the complex art of kanji writing, one mess up could mean the difference between writing, “I think you have nice eyes,” and “I think your eyebrows look like furry minks ready to mate.”

Anyway, I possibly had unhealthy amounts caffeine, taurine, and guarana flowing through my bloodstream and I felt like a kid with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder who forgot to take his Ritalin.

I wasn’t shaking, but I was restless and needed to find something to do to help burn off that energy at 10 o’clock at night. At that point, I wished I had a Playstation 2, a girlfriend, or a bear to wrestle.

In my ADHD state, I cleaned my bathroom, watched an episode of Robot Chicken, separated my socks by pairs, arranged by boxers by color, ironed my t-shirts, and arranged my Playboy magazine collection by blondes, brunettes, and redhead Playmates.

However, despite doing all of that, I didn’t end up going to sleep until three in the morning.

As for the Monster Energy Drink itself, it’s the Impulsive Buy’s favorite energy drink ever, because is doesn’t have that typical medicine-like taste that other energy drinks have and it’s pretty sweet.

A regular can of Monster Energy is 16 ounces, but the Monster Energy XXL is 23.5 ounces. Of course, this means 7.5 more ounces of caffeine, taurine, guarana, goodness.

Yes, the can is impressive, but I think some of you may be more impressed with the fact that the Monster Energy XXL can would make an excellent bong.

But then again, what wouldn’t make an excellent bong?

(Editor’s Note: For more energy drink reviews go visit Jason and Angie at screamingenergy.com.)

Item: Monster Energy XXL
Purchase Price: $2.79
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Excellent flavor. 23.5 ounces of Monster goodness. Aluminum can might make for a great bong.
Cons: Hard to sleep after drinking entire can after 10 pm. Writing kanji with shaky hands. Wrestling with bears.

The Special K Diet

Marvo 26 Comments

I don’t know how many of you remember the Total Cereal commercial, where the announcer says something like, “It would take 28 bowls of Special K to equal the vitamins and minerals of one bowl of Total.”

Well you know what Mr. Announcer, I don’t need your stinkin’ one bowl of Total Cereal, because I just ate 28 bowls of Special K. How you like me now, beeyatch?

Thanks to those 28 bowls I ate during the Special K Diet, I’m now four pounds lighter, sexier, and I think my man boobs just dropped a cup size. I now can confidently run in “Baywatch slow motion” across a beach and I won’t jiggle…as much.

For those of you who don’t know what the Special K Diet is, it involves eating a bowl of Special K for two meals and a sensible third meal, every day for two weeks. You are allowed to snack on fruit and vegetables in between meals. After those two weeks, you should be about six pounds lighter or drop one pants size.

Although, I really didn’t care about dropping one pants size, since all my pants have either elastic or adjustable waistbands

I think this weight loss will change my life and I’ll be able to do things I could never do when I was four pounds heavier.

I feel like I can jump higher and dunk a basketball…On one of those Nerf basketball rims you stick on top of your door.

I feel like I can talk to any woman…Over instant messaging using the screen name “sxybod” and a fake picture for my icon. (I know. “Sxybod” is probably taken already.)

I feel like I can do a marathon…That involves watching the Lord of the Rings Trilogy on my recliner, while eating potato chips and ice cream.

I feel like I can go to every store, purchase every box of Special K on the shelf, put those boxes in a huge pile, douse the pile in cheap alcohol, and light the sucker on fire, like I’m Guy Montag from the book Fahrenheit 451, because I’m frickin’ sick of Special K.

(Holy crap! What’s with the literary reference? I frickin’ feel like Dennis Miller.)

I now hate Special K more than car alarms that go off for more than 30 minutes and grandma underwear.

At first, I thought it wasn’t going to be so bad, because I was going to rotate between regular Special K and Special K Red Berries. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that Special K Red Berries really suck because the red berries soak up milk faster than Tara Reid soaks up alcohol.

After the third day, eating the Special K got really old and I decided to enhance the cereal with chocolate and strawberry milk. That helped me get through the two weeks and the two 18-ounce boxes of Special K.

However, the changes in milk couldn’t help with satisfying my hunger in between meals and my addiction to recording Rachael Ray’s cooking show 30 Minutes Meals, burning each episode to DVD, and cataloging them by the color of the shirt she’s wearing on the show.

Now that I accomplished the Special K Diet and lost weight, I think I should celebrate by eating either a Carl’s Jr. One Pound Double Six Dollar Burger or the Burger King Triple Whopper.

Item: The Special K Diet
Purchase Price: FREE (Boxes of Special K not included)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Lost weight. Adding chocolate or strawberry milk helped me tolerate the bowls of Special K. My rare literary reference.
Cons: I am soooo sick of Special K. Special K Red Berries suck. Was hungry between meals. Grandma underwear.