Kit Kat, because of its four chocolate covered wafer fingers, is the perfect candy for sharing, making fake walrus teeth with, and always comes in handy if you’re being attacked by Star Jones Reynolds.

However, with this Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat, I don’t want to share them. As a matter of fact, if Star Jones Reynolds did attack me, instead of using the Coffee Kit Kat to lure her away, I’d just let her maul me and then when she’s not looking, I’ll chop off whatever limb she’s gnawing on and run/hop away to safety.

I don’t feel like sharing the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat because:

1. They’re damn good.
2. They’re limited edition
3. I’m a greedy asshole.
4. They’re my precious. MY PRECIOUS!!!

I was surprised that I really liked the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat, because I don’t like drinking coffee at all. For some reason, coffee doesn’t agree with me.

Whenever I try coffee or anything from Starbucks, my stomach turns, like when I smell Britney Spears’ perfume Curious, which has a product description that goes like this, “Britney Spears personifies daring and piques the curiosity of young women everywhere. Curious by Britney Spears represents the young woman that pushes boundaries and revels in adventure.”

(Pause for dry heaving)

I’m sorry for the dry heaving. Apparently, I not only get nauseous from smelling crap, I also get nauseous from reading crap.

Anyway, the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat is damn good, it has a nice coffee taste and smell that’s not too strong, unlike the amount of perfume on most strippers.

I was not only surprised by the great coffee taste, I was also surprised that I found a variation of a candy bar that I liked just as much as the original. It seems like candy companies are constantly trying different things to tweak their candy.

For example, the Kit Kat Extra Creamy, which I had a few months ago, was totally lame, because it didn’t change the taste of the Kit Kat. It changed only the texture and it didn’t change it significantly. It’s like if Michael Jackson had plastic surgery today, it won’t make much of a difference, because he’s had so much plastic surgery.

In reality, I think the only plastic surgery left that he can get done is getting breast implants.

But even then, no matter how much plastic surgery he has, Jacko will still be the ghostly pale freak that moonwalks and will still be less brown than the Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat.

(Editor’s Note: Um…You know this month’s prize drawing? Well, there was supposed to be FOUR winners, but I only pulled THREE. After a little more pulling, I now have the fourth winner. Congratulations, Nat!)

(Editor’s Note #2: For more candy reviews that will make Hansel and Gretel jealous, go visit Cybele at the Candy Blog.)

Item: Limited Edition Coffee Kit Kat
Purchase Price: 55 cents
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Pros: Nice strong coffee taste, but not too strong. Just as good as the original Kit Kat.
Cons: Limited edition. Might turn you into a greedy prick. The description of Britney Spears’ perfume, Curious. Being mauled by Star Jones Reynolds.

(Editor’s Note: Impulsive Buy reader and starving college student, Amanda, asked me if I would be willing to review products that don’t need to be refrigerated and can be prepared by just adding water. I thought I could do a week of products of like this, but surprisingly, I couldn’t find many. Thank goodness for dried ramen.)

If I were on the game show Family Feud and the following question was asked, “What things would you typically find in a men’s college dorm room?” I would probably say the following things:

1. Textbooks that won’t be opened until midterms.
2. A computer with gigabytes of porn and illegally downloaded music and movies.
3. Enough empty beer cans to have several lanes of beer can bowling.
4. Several bongs made out of either glass, beer cans, or fruits.
5. A potpourri of free condoms from the Condom Fair on campus.
6. Cases of dried ramen.

During my freshman year in college, I ate a lot of dried ramen. However, during my sophomore year, my dried ramen consumption dramatically decreased when my friend attending the University of Arizona told me about a student there who died from malnutrition because the only thing he ate was dried ramen.

Today, I hardly ever touch the stuff. However, recently I picked up a Nissin Cup Noodles Souper Meal Chicken Flavor. Now when they say “souper,” they really mean “souper.” The styrofoam bowl is probably more than twice the size of a typical Cup Noodles bowl, which means it is probably big enough to use as a helmet for beer can bowling.

The Souper Meal may have been bigger than a typical Cup Noodles, but preparing it was the same. Just boil some water, peel back the lid, pour the boiling water into the styrofoam bowl, cover the bowl with the lid, wait for three minutes, peel back the lid again, stir, consume, and then wish you could afford some real food.

Each Souper Meal comes with three individual packets, one for the chicken flavored soup base; another for the freeze-dried vegetables, which includes corn, mushrooms, carrots, onions, and cabbage; and another for the Finishing Touch flavor packet.

Finishing Touch?

That’s something I expect from an Asian massage parlor, not from an instant Asian soup dish.

Well I tried the Souper Meal with and without the Finishing Touch flavor packet, and after trying it, I wished that it was the Asian massage parlor Finishing Touch instead, because it really didn’t add anything to the Souper Meal. Either way, it tasted and looked like a typical chicken flavored Cup Noodles.

While eating the Souper Meal, I began reading the nutritional facts on the side of the bowl and found out that the entire bowl had 2,540 milligrams of sodium, which was possibly enough to either raise my blood pressure or turn me into a human salt lick.

However, I also found out that it has four grams of dietary fiber. Although, it probably isn’t enough to negate the nine grams of saturated fat, which is 50 percent of your daily allowance.

After reading all of that, I put my fork down and dumped the rest of the Souper Meal down the drain, because dying via a sexual asphyxiation fetish is fine, but dying by the hands of dried ramen is not.

Item: Nissin Cup Noodles Souper Meal Chicken Flavor
Purchase Price: $1.49
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Tastes like regular chicken flavored Cup Noodles. More than double the size of a regular Cup Noodles. Four grams of dietary fiber in every bowl. Styrofoam bowl may make a good helmet for beer can bowling.
Cons: Helluva lot of sodium and saturated fat. Fogs up my glasses when I eat it. Not much “souper” about it. Dying by the hands of dried ramen. Finishing Touch packet wasn’t the Finishing Touch I really wanted.

Congratulations to Impulsive Buy readers Aaron, Kate, and Chris for being the winners of this month’s prize drawing. Sorry, no pictures this time, but even if I did take picture, they would’ve been boring. It would’ve been pictures of me pulling out entries from a trucker hat. Yawn!

Oh, while I have your attention, I guess I should let you folks know about a new blog I started with the world’s most boring title, “Marvo’s Blog.” I just started it a couple days ago, and it will either give you a behind the scenes look at what it’s like to be a quasi-product review blog editor or it will be about puppies and butterflies. Actually, to be honest, I’m not sure what that blog is going to be about.

If you’re bored, you can check it out here.

PS – I’m sorry there haven’t been many reviews for the past couple of weeks, but by this weekend I’ll be done with my freelance gig and I’ll have more time to write reviews. I’ve got some awesome products to review. Not only do I have an edible hemp product, I’ve also got a sexual product that vibrates, but it’s not what you think.

After I quickly chugged down all 23.5 ounces of Monster Energy XXL shotgun-style, I was afraid with all the caffeine in my body, I was going to do something rash, like wrestle a bear, tackle a homeless person, watch Taradise on the E! Channel, or become a Scientologist.

Fortunately, none of that happened, but I was totally wired. Although not as wired as that time I took two Vivarin to pull an all-nighter to study for my Japanese 202 final, which caused my hands to shake constantly through the entire exam.

And let me tell you, it isn’t easy writing complicated kanji characters when my hands are shaking like I’m trying to disarm a bomb or unhook a woman’s bra for the first time.

With the complex art of kanji writing, one mess up could mean the difference between writing, “I think you have nice eyes,” and “I think your eyebrows look like furry minks ready to mate.”

Anyway, I possibly had unhealthy amounts caffeine, taurine, and guarana flowing through my bloodstream and I felt like a kid with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder who forgot to take his Ritalin.

I wasn’t shaking, but I was restless and needed to find something to do to help burn off that energy at 10 o’clock at night. At that point, I wished I had a Playstation 2, a girlfriend, or a bear to wrestle.

In my ADHD state, I cleaned my bathroom, watched an episode of Robot Chicken, separated my socks by pairs, arranged by boxers by color, ironed my t-shirts, and arranged my Playboy magazine collection by blondes, brunettes, and redhead Playmates.

However, despite doing all of that, I didn’t end up going to sleep until three in the morning.

As for the Monster Energy Drink itself, it’s the Impulsive Buy’s favorite energy drink ever, because is doesn’t have that typical medicine-like taste that other energy drinks have and it’s pretty sweet.

A regular can of Monster Energy is 16 ounces, but the Monster Energy XXL is 23.5 ounces. Of course, this means 7.5 more ounces of caffeine, taurine, guarana, goodness.

Yes, the can is impressive, but I think some of you may be more impressed with the fact that the Monster Energy XXL can would make an excellent bong.

But then again, what wouldn’t make an excellent bong?

(Editor’s Note: For more energy drink reviews go visit Jason and Angie at screamingenergy.com.)

Item: Monster Energy XXL
Purchase Price: $2.79
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Pros: Excellent flavor. 23.5 ounces of Monster goodness. Aluminum can might make for a great bong.
Cons: Hard to sleep after drinking entire can after 10 pm. Writing kanji with shaky hands. Wrestling with bears.

I don’t know how many of you remember the Total Cereal commercial, where the announcer says something like, “It would take 28 bowls of Special K to equal the vitamins and minerals of one bowl of Total.”

Well you know what Mr. Announcer, I don’t need your stinkin’ one bowl of Total Cereal, because I just ate 28 bowls of Special K. How you like me now, beeyatch?

Thanks to those 28 bowls I ate during the Special K Diet, I’m now four pounds lighter, sexier, and I think my man boobs just dropped a cup size. I now can confidently run in “Baywatch slow motion” across a beach and I won’t jiggle…as much.

For those of you who don’t know what the Special K Diet is, it involves eating a bowl of Special K for two meals and a sensible third meal, every day for two weeks. You are allowed to snack on fruit and vegetables in between meals. After those two weeks, you should be about six pounds lighter or drop one pants size.

Although, I really didn’t care about dropping one pants size, since all my pants have either elastic or adjustable waistbands

I think this weight loss will change my life and I’ll be able to do things I could never do when I was four pounds heavier.

I feel like I can jump higher and dunk a basketball…On one of those Nerf basketball rims you stick on top of your door.

I feel like I can talk to any woman…Over instant messaging using the screen name “sxybod” and a fake picture for my icon. (I know. “Sxybod” is probably taken already.)

I feel like I can do a marathon…That involves watching the Lord of the Rings Trilogy on my recliner, while eating potato chips and ice cream.

I feel like I can go to every store, purchase every box of Special K on the shelf, put those boxes in a huge pile, douse the pile in cheap alcohol, and light the sucker on fire, like I’m Guy Montag from the book Fahrenheit 451, because I’m frickin’ sick of Special K.

(Holy crap! What’s with the literary reference? I frickin’ feel like Dennis Miller.)

I now hate Special K more than car alarms that go off for more than 30 minutes and grandma underwear.

At first, I thought it wasn’t going to be so bad, because I was going to rotate between regular Special K and Special K Red Berries. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that Special K Red Berries really suck because the red berries soak up milk faster than Tara Reid soaks up alcohol.

After the third day, eating the Special K got really old and I decided to enhance the cereal with chocolate and strawberry milk. That helped me get through the two weeks and the two 18-ounce boxes of Special K.

However, the changes in milk couldn’t help with satisfying my hunger in between meals and my addiction to recording Rachael Ray’s cooking show 30 Minutes Meals, burning each episode to DVD, and cataloging them by the color of the shirt she’s wearing on the show.

Now that I accomplished the Special K Diet and lost weight, I think I should celebrate by eating either a Carl’s Jr. One Pound Double Six Dollar Burger or the Burger King Triple Whopper.

Item: The Special K Diet
Purchase Price: FREE (Boxes of Special K not included)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Lost weight. Adding chocolate or strawberry milk helped me tolerate the bowls of Special K. My rare literary reference.
Cons: I am soooo sick of Special K. Special K Red Berries suck. Was hungry between meals. Grandma underwear.

For this month’s prize drawing, I’m going to do something a little different.

Usually I give away products I’ve previously reviewed, but this month I’m going to give away a prize pack that contains products I’m going to review in the future.

I’m not going to say what these products are, but I will say that one of them has hemp in it. Yes, you heard right…Hemp.

Four lucky readers will each receive a prize pack.

To enter this month’s prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with the words “Sticky icky” in it and whatever else you would like to say.

Please fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, I’ll take care of it.

The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Thursday, September 15, 2005 and stop accepting entries on Sunday, September 18, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States, US Military APOs, and Canada. (To the rest of the planet, I’m sorry.)

To determine the winners, I will stick all of the entries into a homemade bong…

Oh wait. I don’t know how to make a homemade bong. Dammit!

I’ll figure out something to determine the winners.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about your friend wanting you to join the SMS.ac network. The Impulsive Buy also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you an invitation to receive Playboy for one dollar an issue. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, short term memory loss, or the movie The Man.

Hey! Whole Grain! Yeah, I’m talking to you!

You don’t think I notice you invading our breakfast cereals with your whole graininess? Turning our sacred sugary cereals into semi-healthy sunrise suppers. And now you’re slowly creeping into our snacks, like with these new 100% Whole Grain Chips Ahoy!

It’s not just me who’s noticing your sneaky acts. Impulsive Buy reader Allison let me know about you putting yourself into WHITE BREAD. WTF!?! You’ve created wheat white bread. It’s like frickin’ Frankenbread.

Is nothing sacred to you?

It’s like you’re the male town slut and you’re just going around town, dropping your seed into as many things as possible, leaving behind a bunch of illegitimate children, who aren’t very bright, attractive, or tasty, and will probably end up in prison.

Sure, you made the Chips Ahoy! slightly healthier, but I don’t eat cookies for dietary fiber, I eat them because I need to indulge or need to forget the new Ashlee Simpson song or need something to throw when the video of the new Ashlee Simpson song is being played on TV.

Because of you, junk food will lose its luster and I will need a new vice for those times when I’m sitting in front of the TV and watching G-String Divas or Taxicab Confessions on HBO. Maybe I’ll resort to drugs or alcohol or licking envelopes.

If there’s nothing wrong with you dropping your seed into Chips Ahoy!, then why does it say on the packaging, “Real Chocolate Chip Cookies”? Why do I need to be convinced that they’re real chocolate chip cookies?

To be honest, the 100% Whole Grain Chips Ahoy! don’t look like chocolate chip cookies, they actually look like oatmeal raisin cookies. As for the taste, it’s okay, but regular Chips Ahoy! taste better. There’s also that whole grain texture. I think I actually felt whole grains in my mouth.

See, like I said, you’re producing children that aren’t attractive or tasty.

At least the cookies came in two individually wrapped packs, or as I like to call them, a double barrel of cookies. This made it easier to take cookies with me, just in case I need to feed a bum or Nicole Richie.

I don’t know what else you plan to put your whole grain member into, but let me tell you, if you drop your seed into an Oreo, I will find you and personally castrate you.

Item: 100% Whole Grain Chips Ahoy!
Purchase Price: $4.00 (slightly on sale)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: All right tasting. Baked with 100% whole grain. Two grams of dietary fiber. Individually wrapped barrels of cookies.
Cons: Not attractive, looks like oatmeal raisin cookies. Weird whole grain texture. Healthier than regular Chips Ahoy! Not a good snack to indulge with. Nicole Richie’s weight.

Dear Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts,

Everyone goes through changes, and recently, I’ve gone through a change. During this change, I realized that you aren’t what I’m looking for. You’re not “the one.”

You were delicious and you’ll always have a special place in my heart. I will always remember the great times we had.

When you were hot and toasted, I liked spreading you open and licking your gooey strawberry milkshake-flavored center. When you were frozen, I enjoyed nibbling on your crust. Also, there was that time, in the heat of the moment, I tried to rip off your foil packaging to eat you, but it wouldn’t come off. We laughed as I used the scissors to get it off.

You have to agree that those were some good times we had.

I thought we had a lot in common, but it turned out that the only thing we had in common was both liking Green Day. Although, the only Green Day songs you knew were the ones on the American Idiot album. I couldn’t believe you didn’t know any of the songs from Dookie.

Long View? Basket Case? When I Come Around? Welcome to Paradise?

But I guess I should’ve expected that since you’re much younger than I am.

Also, I didn’t realize the excessive amount of pink stuff you have. When I first met you, I thought you looked really hot in that pink outfit you wore, with pink glitter all over your body. Then the next time, you wore another pink outfit. Then another. Then another.

However, I didn’t realize how much pink stuff you had until we went back to your place. It felt like I was Dumbo seeing pink elephants after drinking some spiked water.

Oh wait. You’re too young to remember the Dumbo reference.

Anyway, your place had so much pink that it made me feel like I was either in the Barbie Dream House, surrounded by cotton candy, or in Hello Kitty’s pants.

Not even Pink has as much pink stuff as you do.

There’s also something else I have to admit that you might not like. I was sort of using you.

You see, I really like Pop-Tarts with chocolate, but I wanted to try something different. I wanted to know if the grass was greener on the other side of the fence, but it wasn’t. I really do prefer Pop-Tarts with chocolate, especially Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts, and I now know that, “Once you go choco-LATE, there’s no debate.”

Look, these things may have bothered me, but that doesn’t mean you won’t ever find the right guy. There are many fish in the ocean and I’m sure there’s a guy out there who likes pink as much as you do and will treat you the way you deserve.

Well I hope this letter hasn’t hurt you too much, but I felt that you needed to hear the truth. We may not be together, but I hope that we can continue to be friends.

Love,

Marvo

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy readers, Zanjero, Joseph, and Lane for introducing me to Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts.)

Item: Strawberry Milkshake Pop-Tarts
Purchase Price: $1.69 (on sale)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good and chewy when frozen. Good and gooey when toasted. A change from all the chocolate Pop-Tarts.
Cons: Way too much pink. Not better than chocolate Pop-Tarts. The grass wasn’t greener on the other side of the fence. A broken Pop-Tart heart.

Over the years, I have found that many good things come in small packages, like chewing gum, marshmallows, my iPod, eggs, and Danny DeVito.

Unfortunately, I recently came across something that came in a small package, but wasn’t very good.

No, it wasn’t the movie Daddy Day Care for the Playstation Portable. It was the Ito En Sencha Shot.

In Japanese, “cha” means tea. As for “sen,” I don’t know what it means in Japanese off the top of my head, but to my friends with the munchies and glassy eyes, it means they’ll be twenty dollars poorer and maybe a little late to work.

Although, Sencha Shot does sound like something a little less messy than a bukkake. (Yes! Finally! I have used the word “bukkake” in a review!)

(Warning: The link above may contain stuff that is NSFW.)

Anyway, the Sencha Shot is basically Japanese green tea in a can.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with green tea, it’s a wonderful source of antioxidants, which are used to get rid of harmful free radicals in our body.

According to the can, it contains 152 milligrams of catechin tea antioxidants.

That amount may look impressive, but it’s not as impressive as the names of the individual antioxidants — epicatechin, epicatechingallate, epigallocatechin, and epigallocatechingallate — which are not only long, but also words that may make National Spelling Bee Championship competitors either faint, cry, or pee in their pants.

Instead of a lot of long words I can’t spell or pronounce, I wish the Sencha Shot contained a lot of short words that I could pronounce and a decent flavor. It was cold and slightly bitter, just like the Japanese green tea that sat in my cup for hours because my blind date didn’t show up at the Japanese restaurant we were supposed meet at.

Fortunately, there wasn’t much Sencha Shot to drink, because the small can held only 6.4 ounces.

Surprisingly, the hardest thing about the Sencha Shot was not spelling bee championship-type names of the antioxidants, it was the can itself. I found out the hard way that the can was impossible to crush on my forehead, because it’s made out of steel.

Actually, I found out the hard way a few times, because I didn’t realize slamming a steel can on my forehead would mess with my short-term memory. After slamming my forehead with the steel can the first time, I quickly forgot about it and attempted to crush the steel can on my forehead again…and again…and again.

The next day, I woke up with a red ring on my forehead and could no longer recall the lyrics of Gerardo’s “Rico Suave.”

Item: Ito En Sencha Shot
Purchase Price: $1.49 (6.4 ounces)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: High in catechin tea antioxidants. High in Vitamin C. No calories or fat. Finally got to use the word “bukkake” in a review. I no longer know the lyrics to “Rico Suave.”
Cons: Tastes like the cold green tea that I can get from waiting around for a blind date at a Japanese restaurant. Wee little can. Can is impossible to crush on forehead because it is made out of steel. Antioxidant names are hard to spell and pronounce.

I’m a very skeptical person.

I think I’ve been very skeptical ever since one of my third grade classmates told me that putting on four pairs of Underoos would protect me from a kick to the balls. Of course, I later learned that this was not true and putting on four pairs of Underoos made me look like I was wearing a diaper.

Recently, Impulsive Buy readers Kaitlin and Joseph each emailed me to tell me about the new cereal, Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp. I was exciting about to learn about it, because Cookie Crisp is one of my favorite cereals. However, my skepticism kicked in and I couldn’t totally believe that it existed.

Kaitlin even directed to the General Mills website that had information and a picture of Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp. However, in my eyes, the website was like the famous Surgeon’s photo of the Loch Ness Monster or the grainy video footage of Bigfoot. It was something that could be easily explained.

The Loch Ness Monster photo is actually a photo of Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee floating nude on his back in a lake and the Bigfoot footage is just a video someone took of Robin Willams going on a hike.

As for the Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp, I thought it was something someone created in Adobe Photoshop. I think someone with mad Photoshop skills created the box and a hacker posted it on the General Mills website.

How easy is it to create a fake box? Well, I have crappy Photoshop skills and I created a box of Marvios (see picture below)

For me to believe Kaitlin and Joseph, I needed tangible proof, and I got it while walking through the cereal aisle at the national grocery store chain I usually shop at.

When I first saw the box of Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp on the shelf, I did the things that most people do when they don’t believe what their seeing. For those of you who have seen mirages, boobs bigger than human heads, people with three nipples, or have seen how buff Carrot Top is, you know what I’m talking about.

First, I made bug eyes, which is when you open your eyelids as wide as you can. Then I rubbed my eyes to make sure my they were clean and looked again. Then I squinted at the box to make sure I was seeing it correctly.

Well it turned out that Kaitlin and Joseph were right and I was wrong. Just like I was wrong about my prediction that the members of *NSYNC, the Backstreet Boys, and 98 Degrees would form a pop supergroup called White Bread, modeling it after rock supergroups Velvet Revolver and Audioslave.

I picked up a box of Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp and when I got home I tried a bowl of it. After the first spoonful, I thought that it was pretty good. It was definitely better tasting than the Peanut Butter Toast Crunch cereal the Impulsive Buy reviewed last year.

Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp had a poor authentic peanut butter flavor, but it did have a great fake peanut butter flavor. After trying it, I would have to say that it is probably the best fake peanut butter flavored cereal I’ve ever had.

The cereal stayed crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. In my mouth, the cereal was crunchy at first, but after that it seemed like it melted in my mouth, which made me think either General Mills intended the cereal to do that or my saliva is like molten lava.

Item: Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Great fake peanut butter flavor. Made with whole grain. Vitamins and minerals. Stays crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. No pop supergroup called White Bread.
Cons: Poor authentic peanut butter flavor. Hard puzzles on the back of the box. My skepticism. My crappy Photoshop skills.