Arizona Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot

I want to thank Arizona Beverage Company for creating such a courteous energy drink.

Usually energy drinks have designs that look like things that probably appear in Kate Moss’ head after doing a few lines of coke, but Arizona Beverage Company had the courtesy to put a big, bold caution label on its Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot, letting everyone know that it may suck big time.

So does it suck?

It sucks hard, but not as hard as you think.

It’s got most of the energy goodness of regular energy drinks, like B vitamins, taurine, ribose, carnitine, ginseng, inositol, guarana, and 100 milligrams of sweet, succulent caffeine, but it didn’t seem to give me the ass-slapping jolt that I’ve gotten with regular energy drinks.

The lack of ass slapping might’ve been from the fact that the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot is lightly carbonated, so it’s easy going down, like water, a flat lemon-lime soda, or the TV show Joey after drinking extreme amounts of alcohol.

Or it could’ve been the cocaine-looking Splenda, which apparently has the power to take out the “extreme” in the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot. Damn you, Splenda! You are the bane of my existence! You are the thread that unravels the seam of my shirt! You are the drunken Tara Reid of my celebrity party!

The Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot has a slightly weak medicine taste, but it’s also got a weak fruit juice taste, thanks to the 3 percent pear, apple, and peach juice it contains. Peach juice? God, they’re making juice out of everything. Damn you, Jack LaLanne and your Power Juicer!

Another thing that was weak about the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot was the size of the 8.3-ounce can. This small can was a surprising departure from the usual 23.5-ounce cans that Arizona Beverage Company uses for most of their products, which sell for 99 cents. But again, the big caution label on the front of the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot can was probably also warning me about the size of it.

If only other products would have the courtesy to put big, bold caution labels on its packaging, it would probably save me and you a whole lot of time and money.

For example, imagine having a warning on a Britney Spears CD.

Caution: This CD may cause your daughters to see Britney as a role model, when she definitely shouldn’t be; settle for an ambition-less husband, who won’t get a job; and make them say “y’all” way too much.


Item: Arizona Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot
Purchase Price: $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Warning label, letting me know that it’s going to suck. 100% of your daily allowance of Vitamin C. 100 mg of sweet, sweet caffeine. Low calorie, fat, carbs, and sugar. Goes down easy.
Cons: Watery taste. Splenda. Weird aftertaste. Only 3 percent juice.

16 thoughts on “Arizona Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot

  1. This is one of my pet peeves. Calories are energy. When you’re talking about food, it’s not caffeine, it’s not vitamins, it’s not some weird-ass chemicals from some sort of sub-saharan cactus … it’s calories.

    A low or no cal energy drink is just plain lame. It’s like fat-free oil or dehydrated water or something.

    But then again, I’ve never tried any of these energy drinks except for a sip of Red Bull about five years ago. Nasty stuff.

    Is 100 mg of caffiene a lot?

  2. Frankly, when is Tara Reid NOT drunk at this point? Woman just looks constantly sloppy to me.

    My mom forbade fake sugar or fat of any kind when I was growing up, and I’m really beginning to appreciate that the more I hear about how much the artificial sweetners make everything suck so hard.

  3. After staying in well over 250 DIFFERENT hotels/locations across the country the last 16 months, I have only seen one hot housekeeper. Not even hot, but attractive, and under 40. Other than that, forget it. Female desk clerks however…

  4. Chuck – I did try a 7Up Plus product with Splenda that was decent, but yeah, the majority of the time it’s a miss.

    Ayesha97 – Those black and white stripes had me thinking that, but no biohazard sign.

    Muneer – I’m sure someone out there is working on it right now, and I can’t wait for it.

    Vulgar Wizard – I think that most likely Tara Reid isn’t invited to celebrity parties, but in her always drunken state, I think she crashes them and everyone thinks that she got drunk at the party.

    Webmiztris – It’s going to suck REALLY hard. It’s going to be the new lump of coal during next Christmas.

  5. Cybele – 100 mg of caffeine is a lot. I believe a can of Mountain Dew has about 40 mg of caffeine.

    useless – With a drunken Tara Reid, anything can happen. Accidental boob flash, passing out, or STDs

    Genny from the Burbs – There aren’t many fake things that are good. Fake teeth…Good. Fake sugar…Bad. Fake personality…Really bad. Fake boobs…Okay, as long as they are too big.

    Runner4069 – Eh, that’s okay.

  6. Nicki – I also like to use that phrase when talking about feral cats and the game Jenga. I really suck at Jenga.

    Toni – It also looks like a police barricade thingy.

    Coffee Freak – Not 100 grams of coffee, silly. 100 MILLIGRAMS of caffeine.

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