Thongs…They’re usually worn by women, European male sunbathers, and male strippers.

I think they look totally hot on women, but as for European male sunbathers and male strippers, not so much. You may think I’m a little biased about that because I’m straight, but I have female friends who also think men in thongs aren’t hot at all.

However, I think my female friends who think this way are in the minority, because for some reason, if you stick a bunch of women in a room with lots of alcohol, huge wads of one dollar bills, and tanned, oiled men in thongs, they go unbelievably crazy over the guys in thongs.

I want women to go unbelievably crazy over me and the only way I believe I can do this is to start wearing thongs. Now I’m usually a boxer or boxer brief kind of guy, depending on how much freedom on a particular day I want to give my “cucumber and tomatoes,” but maybe it was time for something different.

So I went to my local Jockey Store and picked up a Jockey Next to Nothing Thong, which is the significantly less fabric consuming, but almost equally priced, cousin of the Jockey Next to Nothing Boxer Brief, which I reviewed last year. When I went to the counter to pay for the thong, I asked the cute saleswoman if she likes guys who wear thongs. She looked at me weird, like I asked her an uncomfortable question, and then said she doesn’t like guys in thongs.

However, I think if you stuck her in a room with a bunch of other women, lots of alcohol, stacks of one dollar bills, and tanned, oiled men in thongs, she would say otherwise while licking whipped cream off of the pierced nipples of one of the thonged men.

Anyway, the first thing I did when I got home with my brand new thong was wash and dry it, just in case some other dude’s sperm kettle was in it.

To be honest, I should be used to having my underwear run up my ass. After all, I received a lot of wedgies growing up, and in those days I wore exclusively tighty-whiteys. If you’ve never experienced a tighty-whitey wedgie, you are either a fast runner or you were probably one of those people who gave kids like me wedgies.

Anyway, when I first put the thong on, it felt kind of good, but the soft microfiber material might’ve had something to do with that. The front felt like a tighty-whitey, while the back felt like I was being preparing for a sumo wrestling match. Also, I suddenly wished I either had a black bow tie around my neck or a fake rip-away policeman or fireman uniform.

As I walked around in the thong, I felt the “crack cover” part of the thong get sucked in by my ass. I kept pulling it out, but I quickly learned if the “crack cover” is getting sucked in between the cheeks, I should not pull it out, because it’s just going to get sucked in again. I should just get used to it.

After about an hour of wearing it, I got used to it and wearing the thong got comfortable, from the “crack cover” to the “taint topper” to the “chestnut roaster.” Even when I went running with them, it didn’t feel uncomfortable.

Despite the comfortable feeling, I don’t think I’ll be wearing a thong on a regular basis. First off, my semi-flat Asian ass doesn’t look very good in a thong. Also, I’m afraid of being caught with a whale tail.

So I guess I’ll have to find another way to get women to go unbelievably crazy over me. Too bad I don’t have a large room with lots of alcohol, stacks of one dollars bills, a tan, and an oily body.

Item: Jockey Next to Nothing Thong/Wearing a Thong
Price: $11.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Jockey Store
Rating: 3.5 out of 5 (Jockey Next to Nothing Thong)
Rating: 3 out of 5 (Wearing a thong)
Pros: Microfiber is soft. The thong eventually got comfortable. I got used to the “crack cover” getting sucked in by my ass. Good “cucumber and tomatoes” support. Thongs on women.
Cons: Whale tail. My ass does not look good in a thong. Wedgies. Thongs on European male sunbathers.

“Being juiced” is usually only reserved for some Olympic athletes and baseball players, but thanks to Rockstar Juiced, now everyone can be juiced too.

Although, by drinking Rockstar Juiced we can’t have the increased athletic performance, premature baldness, severe acne, enlargement of the heart, increased body hair, liver damage, elevated blood pressure, abnormal breast development (in men), permanently enlarged clitoris (in women), and shrunken balls (in men) that comes with the other juice.

Instead, what I got from drinking it was an easy to drink energy drink, thanks to the 70 percent juice in it, that tasted much better than the original Rockstar energy drink. The mango, orange, and passion fruit combination in Rockstar Juiced was very good, although I thought the passion fruit taste was a little too strong, which overpowered the other flavors, much like how Beyoncé does with Destiny’s Child.

Oh, if only I had as much passion as this Rockstar Juiced, then maybe my ex-girlfriends wouldn’t have broken up with me and I wouldn’t be single today. Maybe if I had more passion, I would be married, a homeowner, a pet owner, and perhaps, a parent.

I would be working during the day, spending time with my family in the evening, and making sweet, sweet love with the wife late at night. Then eventually that routine would get old and I would hang with my co-workers at the bar, come home late, get into verbal fights with my wife, spend less time with the kids, and buy a convertible sports car.

Anyway, along with the strong passion fruit taste, another thing that bothered me about the Rockstar Juiced is the fact that despite having the word “rockstar” in it, I don’t think any rock star would actually pick it up.

The reason why I say this is because there are many other things available to rock stars which have much more appeal. Here’s a list, in no particular order:

1. Young groupies
2. Cocaine
3. Middle-aged groupies
4. Marijuana
5. Old groupies
6. Heroin
7. Groupie boobs to autograph
8. Acid
9. Lap dances from groupies
10. Magic mushrooms
11. Making a sex tape with groupies, which eventually finds its way onto the internet
12. Ecstasy
13. Sloppy seconds with groupies

Sure the Rockstar Juiced has 160 milligrams of caffeine per 16-ounce can, but cocaine is much more effective for late night partying. Also, Rockstar Juiced may have 130 milligrams of a combination of guarana, ginseng, and ginkgo herbs, but when it’s time to mellow out for rock stars, marijuana is herb of choice.

Well I guess I should be glad that rock stars probably don’t consume Rockstar Juiced, because it just means more for the rest of us.

(Editor’s Note: Congratulations to graceless and Tom for being selected as this month’s prize drawing winners. They will each receive one box of Extra Cool Watermelon gum. By the time they finish chewing the entire box, their jaws should be strong enough to pull a compact car with a rope, using only their teeth and jaws.)

Item: Rockstar Juiced
Price: $1.69 (16-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Really good flavor. Easy to drink. 70 percent juice. 160 mg of caffeine per 16-ounce can. Slightly less sugar than most energy drinks (21 grams per 8-ounce serving). Autographing groupie boobs (Someday I will accomplish this).
Cons: A little too much passion fruit flavor. Not illegal or hedonistic enough for rock stars. My lack of passion.

I don’t know if Kevin Federline likes Pop-Tarts, but I do know that he has a rap album coming out. If K-Fed does like Pop-Tarts and if he wrote lyrics about Pop-Tarts for his album, I think they would go something like this:

My name is K-Fed, I’m richer than you.
Although it’s Britney’s money, I can spend it too.
I buy cars, motorcycles, bling, and booze,
But I also buy Pop-Tarts, any flavor I choose.

Word.

I know K-Fed’s album hasn’t, as Britney would say, “dropped” yet, but I guarantee the Apple Strudel Pop-Tarts will be one billion times better, cause less headaches, be better at getting the hotties on to the dance floor, get more respected from other rappers, and be a better father to K-Fed’s kids.

The Apple Strudel Pop-Tarts are pretty good, although I’m not sure they are as good as the Frosted Apple & Cinnamon Pop-Tarts I had growing up, which was one of my favorite flavors back in the day. For those of you who are too young to remember “back in the day,” back in the day there were only something like six Pop-Tart flavors, half of them had frosting on them. Now it’s like Baskin-Robbins ice cream, with thirty something flavors.

The Apple Strudel Pop-Tarts aren’t as sweet as I remember the Frosted Apple & Cinnamon Pop-Tarts were, but still pretty tasty nonetheless. I’ve never had an apple strudel before, or any kind of strudel for that matter, so I don’t know if it tastes like one. However, it was apple-ish and a little cinnamon-ish.

I only had one gripe with it. I wished there was more frosting on the top of it, instead of the drizzle they have. I know the drizzle makes it look strudel-ish, but having a solid, huge layer of frosting on top would make it even better. But I guess I should be happy that there is some frosting, because Pop-Tarts without frosting are very lame.

Although, frosting-less Pop-Tarts don’t even come close to being as lame as K-Fed dropping some rhymes.

(Editor’s Note: The Impulsive Buy has reviewed a whole heck of a lot of Pop-Tarts over its existence. You can read previous Pop-Tarts reviews here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.)

Item: Apple Strudel Pop-Tarts
Purchased Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Purchased At: Safeway
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Good. Apple-ish and a little cinnamon-ish. Made with real fruit.
Cons: Needs more frosting on top. Not good frozen. K-Fed’s hygiene. K-Fed’s rhyming ability. K-Fed reproducing. PopoZão.

Mmmm…Prime rib.

It’s one of the staples of the all-you-can-eat dinner buffet, along with soft serve ice cream, a salad bar with your choice of ranch, thousand island, and Italian dressing, soggy corn on the cob, belts that need to be opened up a notch, and smelly, smelly restrooms.

The prime rib stop always holds up the rest of the buffet line, sometimes stopping the buffet traffic all the way back to the cauliflower at the salad bar.

When people see prime rib, they want prime rib, unless they like their meat well done, they’re a member of PETA, or they believe Adam’s rib, which formed the sexy, naked Eve, can be the only thing called “prime rib.”

An all-you-can-eat dinner buffet is usually the only place where people consume prime rib, because cooking a prime rib is not a job for the impatient or really hungry people.

However, thanks to Quiznos, which is probably the easiest 25-point Scrabble word there is using the letters “Q” and “Z,” we can all enjoy prime rib without the “goodness” of a Las Vegas buffet, like long lines or old ladies in motorized carts bumping into you.

The Quiznos Prime Rib Sub consists of thinly-sliced, slow-roasted prime rib with mozzarella cheese, sauteed onions, and mild peppercorn sauce.

I felt compelled to purchase one after seeing the commercial for it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

If you haven’t seen the commercial, go visit the Quiznos site, it’s wonderful food pr0n.

The commercial shows an orgy of prime rib that glistens with the shine of the greasy mild peppercorn sauce, stuffed in between two long buns, with white mozzarella cheese oozing out from between the meat. Of course, the sandwich in the commercial looks nothing like the picture above, which looks like two haggard hobos getting it on.

Although, the Quiznos Prime Rib Sub looks like two haggard hobos getting it on, it tastes like whatever the opposite of two haggard hobos getting it on would be. In other words, it was pretty good. The peppercorn sauce was good, but thankfully it wasn’t overpowering, which allowed the flavor of the meat to be noticed. The meat wasn’t tough and there really was an orgy of it, as you can see from the picture above.

However, just like most good prime rib buffets, the Quiznos Prime Rib Sub was very pricey. A regular-sized prime rib sub, which is about eight inches long, costs about ten dollars.

Too bad it wasn’t all-you-can-eat prime rib subs, because then it would’ve been worth it.

Item: Quiznos Prime Rib Sub
Purchase Price: $9.29 (Regular-Sized)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: An orgy of meat. Mmmm….Tasty! Good peppercorn sauce. All-you-can-eat buffets. Using “Quiznos” in Scrabble.
Cons: Hella expensive. Cauliflower. All-you-can-eat buffets. Old ladies in motorized wheelchairs running to me.

“Don’t worry, Jen. I’ll make you forget Brad and Vince with my tender lips. Get out of the way Ron Livingston! You’re ruining the moment.”

After drinking the entire 16-ounce can of the Sparks alcohol energy drink, it was like romantic sparks were flying everywhere.

For some reason, probably because of my low alcohol tolerance, I wanted to make out with every inanimate object in my apartment, including Jennifer Aniston on my computer monitor while watching the movie Office Space.

Heck, my body pillow looked hot in its long red pillow case, sort of like Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?; my refrigerator looked like a really pale, big boned hottie; and the mop the in closet looked like Nicole Richie.

Also, if you know how much I love the curves of Method product bottles, I just wanted to let you know that loved them a little bit more after drinking Sparks.

It was a long night thanks to the caffeine, taurine, guarana, and siberian ginseng blend in the can of Sparks, which kept me up. I continued hitting on other inanimate things in my apartment, like the recliner in the living room, the dish rack in the kitchen, and empty toilet paper rolls in the bathroom.

Sparks had a nice citrus taste, which reminded me of most energy drinks mixed with vodka, except a whole lot sweeter.

It was easy to drink, but as it got warmer it became less easy. It was also definitely better tasting than the B to the E I tried last year.

Sparks calls itself a “premium malt beverage,” but usually when I think of “premium malt beverage” I think of Billy Dee Williams and Colt 45.

The can of Sparks I drank not only made inanimate objects look sexy, it also made me redder than a high school student who accidently farted loudly while taking the SAT exam, but I blame my Japanese blood for that.

The next morning, after waking up with my toaster next to me, I came to the realization that I would probably drink Sparks at a bar or club, if they had them, but I don’t know if I would drink them at home anymore, because I don’t like cleaning the smears on my computer monitor.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Kitty for suggesting Sparks. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go make out with my laundry basket.)

Item: Sparks
Purchase Price: FREE (16-ounces)
Purchased At: Received from roommate.
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Good sweet citrus taste. Big 16-ounce can. Sweet, sweet caffeine. Jessica Rabbit. The movie Office Space.
Cons: Maybe too sweet for some. For me, it makes everything look hot, due to my low alcohol tolerance. Cleaning smears on my computer monitor. Empty toilet paper roll love. Farting loudly while taking the SAT exam.

You know what I hate?

I hate having to sometimes stuff cocaine-filled condoms up my ass. It’s amazing that I can stick ten of them up there. Although they say the large intestine is about five feet long, so technically I could probably fit a whole lot more.

Each one is worth $10,000 and they’re around an inch and a half in diameter. It’s ALWAYS an adventure sticking them in there and it takes over an hour long to get them all in.

I’m sure there are easier ways to make a little extra money, like stripping or selling my body to middle-aged female Japanese tourists, but I think drug smuggling is a little more dignified.

Now you’re probably saying to yourself, “Why don’t you use lubricated condoms?” Well you would think using lubricated condoms would make it easier, but they don’t. So I end up using KY Jelly…Lots of KY Jelly.

I don’t think you can imagine how many tubes of KY Jelly I have to go through. Basically, I just squirt the whole tube into a little bowl, dip the cocaine-filled condom into the KY Jelly like it was a Chicken McNugget, grab a mirror, squat over it, and hope I get it in during the first try. If I don’t get it in during the first try, then I have to try it again and hope that I don’t get KY Jelly on my fingers because if I do, it’s hard to get a good grip on each cocaine-filled condom.

There are many bad things about transporting cocaine this way. Like if I get caught smuggling the cocaine, then I’ll probably go to prison for a few decades and have to deal with things being stuck up my ass every day. Another bad thing is that I have to fast for a couple of days, so I won’t have any bowel movements. However, probably the worst part about transporting cocaine this way is being called “Guadalubbe” by the drug dealers and getting paid in cash and KY Jelly.

Of course, I try really hard to not mind the teasing from the drug dealers, because they’re paying me…and they have guns.

Because of all this hassle, I’m always trying to find new ways transport the goods.

Recently, I picked up the new Double Zipper Ziploc Storage Bags, hoping that I could transport the cocaine by taping the Ziploc bags to my body, instead of sticking cocaine-filled condoms up my ass.

Why didn’t I use regular Ziploc bags before?

Because sometimes if you’re not careful, the seal may fail…and maybe sometimes I like sticking cocaine-filled condoms up my ass and having them rub against my prostate gland.

Anyway, I did a variety of tests on the bags. Since I don’t have a Consumer Reports laboratory with precise equipment, I just made up a bunch of tests off the top of my head.

First, I did the “water test,” which involved me filling half the bag with water, sealing it, and then applying as much pressure as I could with my hands and arms. The seal didn’t break, so that was a good sign.

Next, I did the “garlic test.” This test called for a couple of tablespoons of bottled minced garlic placed in the Double Zipper Ziploc Bag and then sealed. It would pass the test if I couldn’t smell the garlic. However, it failed because I could smell the garlic through the double seals, which would be bad for a drug smuggler if there were any drug-sniffing dogs around.

Finally, I did the “whoopie cushion test,” which involved putting air into the bag, sealing it, and then sitting on it. When I did it, the seal didn’t break, but the bag itself did, which was actually a good thing because it showed how strong the seal actually was.

So after all the testing was done, I decided that the Double Zipper Ziploc Storage Bag wasn’t adequate to smuggle drugs with, mainly because of the “garlic test.” I decided to stick with shoving cocaine-filled condoms up my ass. However, the drug dealers I deal with got arrested and now they have to worry about having things stuck up their asses.

So now I guess I have to start selling my body to middle-aged female Japanese tourists for extra money.

Item: Double Zipper Ziploc Storage Bags
Purchase Price: $2.99 (Quart-Sized)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Pretty good seal. Passed the “water test” and the “whoopie cushion test.” Prostate orgasms.
Cons: Not good for transporting cocaine. Didn’t pass the “garlic test.” Being called “Guadalubbe.” Prison.

Maple syrup is great for pancakes, French toast, and embarrassing your family name for fifty dollars by participating in a coed kiddie pool maple syrup wrestling match at a nightclub for a Girls Gone Wild DVD.

They are also great on waffles, especially frozen waffles. Actually they’re even better on burnt frozen waffles that were in the toaster for too long because a certain someone was distracted by a Girls Gone Wild DVD commercial on television.

Did you know the Canadian province of Quebec is the world’s largest producer of maple syrup?

Did you know that written things in Canada have to come in both English AND French?

Did you know there’s a Girls Gone Wild Canada?

Many of the pancake syrups you see on your store shelves contain little or no maple syrup at all. So it didn’t surprise me that the new maple syrup-flavored Eggo Cereal didn’t contain any maple syrup.

The only syrup it contained was high fructose corn syrup, which disappointed me like those black censored bars used in the Girls Gone Wild commercials.

Eggo Cereal was supposed to taste like waffles with maple syrup and it sort of did. However, it tasted more like a less-sweet Cap’n Crunch with a strong fake maple syrup scent. Since I’m a fan of Cap’n Crunch, I liked the taste of it.

So with the Eggo Cereal you get the goodness of Cap’n Crunch without the shredded upper palate. It’s like with a Girls Gone Wild DVD, you get the flashing goodness that happens during a New Orleans Mardi Gras on Bourbon Street without the need for beads.

Eggo Cereal was also supposed to look like waffles, but on the box they look like Chex cereal and in reality they look nothing like waffles or Chex cereal.

It’s sort of like when I’m drunk and I’m at the video store and I accidently pick up a Guys Gone Wild DVD. The first three letters of the title make it look like a Girls Gone Wild video, but when you get through the first three minutes of it, it looks nothing like a Girls Gone Wild video because there’s more sausage it in than a New York City hot dog stand.

Oooh, a Girls Gone Wild commercial!!!

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Andy for suggesting Eggo Cereal. Now I must go find Lego Eggos and a Girls Gone Wild DVD.)

Item: Eggo Cereal
Purchase Price: $5.79 (13.5-ounces)
Purchased At: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Nice fake maple syrup smell. Tasted like Cap’n Crunch, but didn’t hurt like Cap’n Crunch. Full of vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Cereal didn’t look like waffles and didn’t really taste like waffles. Hard puzzles on the back of the box. Black censored bars in the Girls Gone Wild commercial. Accidently picking up Guys Gone Wild while drunk.

Saint Patrick’s Day is coming up and it’s a great day to get drunk, get pinched, and get caught urinating in public.

However, no one gives gifts for Saint Patrick’s Day. So this month two lucky readers will each receive a Saint Patrick’s Day gift from The Impulsive Buy.

These two lucky readers will each win A BOX of the Extra Cool Watermelon Gum, which I reviewed the other week. It’s enough gum to last for weeks, unless you have a strong oral fixation and you also like to share, then it will only last you a couple of days.

Just like last month, I’ll be having two separate drawings. However, this month, one drawing is for men only and the other drawing is only for the ladies in the hizzouse. So one Barney will win a box and one Betty will win a box.

However, if you happen to be a hermaphrodite, I will enter you in both drawings. But if you are a hermaphrodite, and you win, you MUST show proof in the form of a doctor’s note.

To enter this month’s prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with THREE THINGS.

1. The words “Hey! Nice watermelons!”
2. Whether you’re a male, female, or a hermaphrodite.
3. Whatever else you would like to say.

Please fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, I’ll take care of it.

The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Tuesday, March 14, 2006 and stop accepting entries on Sunday, March 19, 2006. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States, US Military APOs, Canada, and Guam. (To the rest of the planet, I’m sorry.)

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about “lovely russian bittches in action.” (Yes, that’s how the spammers spelled it.) The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you information about seminars that will improve your managerial skills. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or Brokeback Mountain not winning Best Picture.

Once upon a time there was a pretty pretty pink pop princess named Tab, who preferred to be called the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess. The Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess was a diet soda pop pioneer, appearing in 1963.

Over the years, the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess had gone through plenty of changes to prolong her popularity. However, despite switching sweeteners from cyclamate to saccharin to aspartame, she could not stave off the slow down of her sales and soon she began seeing less and less of herself on the shelves.

One Sunday, while staring at VH1, she saw Ashlee Simpson and came to the assessment that if the Simpson sibling could simulate being punk and become stylish, so could she.

The Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess went through a punishing process to become punk by pumping herself with a power pack of herbal pieces, which produced quite a punch.

She gobbled ginseng, guarana, taurine, and carnitine, which got into her gut. Despite being stuffed with 95 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine, she slimmed down significantly and was less than what she started with in the sixties.

Her wardrobe was like something Jackie O would wear. Her outer packaging pigment may have been pink, which she put on with pride, but she wanted to present herself in pink both on the outside and inside. So she soared to Los Angeles to see surgeons who could assist her with her situation.

Vegetable juice was what they provided, which gave the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess the inner pink pigment she aspired to possess, and now she was prepared to be popular again.

So she was released into society as Tab Energy to see how citizens would respond to her sharp sassy taste.

Some said she tasted sweet and sour like a Jolly Rancher and some jackass at some quasi-product review blog said she tasted like a vinaigrette salad dressing with a sucralose aftertaste.

With considerable amounts of caffeine, B vitamins, and Chinese herbs, Tab Energy could be the consummate low-calorie caffeine kick Kate Moss could consume to keep awake in case cocaine wasn’t close by.

Now the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess personally felt that going punk helped her popularity. However, the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess’ popularity probably won’t persist, because pretending to be punk didn’t work for Ashlee Simpson.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Steven for suggesting Tab Energy. Also, go read TG’s take on Tab Energy here.)

Item: Tab Energy
Purchase Price: $1.99 (10.5-ounce can)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Even though it tasted like salad dressing, I kind of liked the taste. 95 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine, more than Vault and Mountain Dew. Sexier than the original Tab, so I’d totally do her, but then again I’d probably do the original Tab as well. Easy to drink since it’s less carbonated. Five calories.
Cons: Tasted like salad dressing with a sucralose aftertaste, which many probably won’t like. Pricey for a 10.5-ounce can. Not a very manly energy drink. Ashlee Simpson’s attempts to be punk.

Whenever something comes back from the dead and rises out of its grave, I usually expect flesh-eating zombies or a new Tupac Shakur album.

However, this time around what came back from the dead was a citrus soda called Surge, which now has the witness protection agency-like name of Vault. After Surge was killed off, there was a movement to bring back Surge, and Vault was the result of it.

It’s Coke’s answer to the ever popular, totally xtreme, and Yellow No. 5 containing Mountain Dew. As someone who has done the dew way too many times, I noticed that there are some minor similarities between Vault and Mountain Dew.

1. They both come in the same green that the radioactive rod shown during the opening of the Simpsons comes in.

2. They are both citrusy. Although, Vault does have a better citrus taste, which sort of reminded me of a Sprite.

That’s pretty much it for the similarities.

On the other hand, the differences between the two are pretty significant.

1. I felt Vault was easier to drink than Mountain Dew, because it doesn’t have the same bite as Mountain Dew. However, it’s not as easy to drink as Vault’s clear, caffeine-free, wussy-ass, and 7-Up wannabe cousin, Sprite.

2. Vault has more caffeine than Mountain Dew. A 12-ounce serving of Vault contains 70.5 milligrams of caffeine, while Mountain Dew has 55 milligrams per 12-ounce serving. It may not seem like much, but that difference could mean being able to stay up to watch the ENTIRE unedited Lord of the Rings trilogy or just the edited-for-TV version of the Fellowship of the Ring.

Or for those of you who want a porn reference, a can of Mountain Dew will probably get you through the Whore of the Rings I, while a can of Vault will maybe get you through Whore of the Rings I, II, III, and maybe IV and V.

So which one do I prefer? It’s hard to choose one because I really like them both. It’s sort of like choosing cute kittens at kittenwar dot com.

However, due to the bite of Mountain Dew, I would probably drink one if I needed a slap-to-the-balls-type of wake up. However, if I wanted something easier to drink and with more caffeine, I would do the Vault.

Although, I probably could get the same slap-to-the-balls feeling with the Vault, if I slapped my balls with a Vault bottle.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Alena, Rob, and Damien for suggesting Surge…Er, I mean Vault to review.)

Item: Vault
Purchase Price: 89 cents (20-ounce)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Easier to drink than Mountain Dew. Good citrus taste. 70.5 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine in every 12-ounce serving. New Tupac albums after his death. Kittenwar.com
Cons: Its green color reminds me of the radioactive rod shown during the Simpsons intro. A slap to the balls. Flesh-eating zombies.