Archive | February, 2007

Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles

Written by | February 27, 2007

Topics: 3 Rating, Food, Microwavable

Hi. My name is Marvo. It’s nice to meet you…um, what does your name tag say?

Wow. That’s a really long name you have there, Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles. That’s an unusual name. N-n-no, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with your name, I just think it’s really cool that you have such a long name. Anyway, it’s really nice to meet you Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles. So have you ever done this speed dating thing before?

Yeah, I’m new to it too. My friends said I should give it a try since I don’t get out of the house much and all I do is write, sleep, and download internet porn. Oh wait, maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned I download internet porn…unless you do it too?

You don’t? Well you should try it someday. If you do try, remember to lock your bedroom door and close your window shades. Anyway, you know what I do during my free time, so what do you do for fun?

Oh, you like food? I’m surprised by that because you’re so dainty. No, really. You come in a very small package. You have 210 calories and 4.5 grams of fat? That’s not much at all. You also have 1.5 grams of trans fat? Oh…um. W-w-well, I like my dates to have a “little junk in the trunk.” N-n-no, I’m not saying you have a big ass. I just don’t like women who are anorexic and you’re not. I-I-I’m not saying you’re fat. You’re curvy. No, again, I’m not saying you’re fat. You have a nice shape. No, not like a cow. I think you’re skinny…and pretty. Really pretty. You’re welcome.

Anyway, so are you spiritual or religious? You’re into Satanism. Wait…the Satanism with or without the chicken sacrifices? With? Um, I can dig that. Oh wait, chicken sacrifices with or without drinking the chicken’s blood? Without? Phew. Thank goodness you’re not one of those chicken blood drinking Satanists, because those people are crazy.

You do what with the blood? Use the blood to draw pentagrams all over your body and dance naked around the sacrificed chicken to gain immortality and increase your vision? Um, as long as you don’t drink the blood, I don’t find that weird.

So how would you best describe yourself?

Salty, quick, and easy?

You seem like such a nice person that I couldn’t imagine you getting a little salty. But then again, with 580 milligrams of sodium I could possibly see it happening. N-n-no, I’m not calling you short tempered. N-n-no, I don’t want to take this outside. No, I do not want my ass kicked.

So you say you’re also quick and easy. To be honest, I kind of like that. So it takes only three steps to make you hot and ready to eat. How long does it take you to get hot? Four to six minutes is pretty quick.

But I’ll never find out how easy you are? Why won’t you let me? I’m a decent looking guy. I’m not sexiest man in my apartment and I live alone, but I think I’m above average. I don’t think I’m a D+. In the eight minutes we’re spending together, I don’t think we can truly learn enough about each other, but if you spend more time with me you would find out that I’m a great guy. I have not been staring at your breasts all this time. I just think the pendant you’re wearing is really nice.

Time’s up.

Well it was nice meeting you, Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles. I thought you were kind of tasty, although I’m not too sure about your small balls of freeze dried ground beef, but they did add some nice flavor. No, I’m not calling you a man with small balls. Your noodles were tender and your cheesy sauce was decent, but I didn’t expect much since I just mixed cheese powder with water.

Overall, I think things between us went well and I hope we meet again.

Oh, you didn’t think so? Um, I guess it was nice meeting you then.

I should do something about my breath? Oh, thanks.

Item: Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good, but not great. Decent cheesy sauce. Easy to make. Kinda quick to make. Four individual pouches. Satanists who don’t drink chicken blood. I’m a decent looking guy.
Cons: Servings are small. A little salty. 1.5 grams of trans fat. Freeze dried ground beef kind of scares me. Satanists who drink chicken blood. Telling a woman they have “junk in the trunk.” Being caught staring at breasts. My breath.

Permalink | 27 Comments

Godiva Milk Chocolate Mocha Belgian Blends

Written by | February 25, 2007

Topics: 2 Rating, Beverage, Coffee

Oh, I feel it!

I feel the power from the Godiva Milk Chocolate Mocha Belgian Blends pulsating through my hands, arms, Bowflex-built-chest, hairy runner’s legs, and ballerina twinkle toes.

It’s like when Prince Adam holds the Sword of Power above his head and turns into He-Man, except instead of a weak young prince being turned into a mound of muscle usually seen at Gold’s Gym or in a gay man or lonely housewife’s wet dream, the Godiva Belgian Blends transformed me from a weak young quasi product review blog editor into a weak, young, snobby, think-I’m-better-than-everyone mutha fucker that should have his ass beaten.

The same change also happens to me whenever I’m drinking Evian or Perrier, when I’m behind the wheel of a Mercedes Benz or BMW, and when I’m watching foreign films with subtitles. Just to let you know, I have pissed off many people and lost several friends while watching the French flim Amelie.

I’m not too sure about the reason why I turn into such a prick whenever I’m doing something like sipping on a San Pellegrino mineral water while watching the Mexican film Amores Perros, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I’m doing something that I think is über cool and something that not many people do. Just like me putting that umlaut above the “u” in “über” is totally cool and something not many people do.

You don’t believe the Godiva Milk Chocolate Mocha Belgian Blends has that type of effect on me?

Well I’ll just have to prove it to you.

Let me hold the Godiva Belgian Blends in my hand, then I’ll think of a topic, then tell you why I think it sucks, and then tell you about something that I think is better. What I’m going to say is not how I truly feel, instead it is the Godiva Belgian Blends that’s doing the talking.

Okay, I got the topic — Starbucks coffee.

Pff! Starbucks sucks! You gotta wait in frickin’ long lines, the coffee is overpriced, and there are all those weird cup size names. The only things I call “tall” are trees, giraffes, skyscrapers, light posts, transvestites, and anyone else whose height is above 5 feet 8 inches. If you want to be cool, go fly to Colombia, pick your own coffee beans right of the tree, stick them in a burlap sack, transport the burlap sack with the coffee beans on a back of a donkey, then give the beans to Juan Valdez to grind and brew for you — all for just a few pesos. That’s real coffee for cool people.

See, I’m a prick with this Godiva Belgian Blends drink in my hands.

I know the Godiva Milk Chocolate Mocha Belgian Blends made me rant about Starbucks, but after tasting it I have to say that it tastes like a watered down version of the Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino drink. The mocha flavor was way too faint for my tastes and if there was Godiva chocolate in the drink, I couldn’t tell since that flavor was a little too faint as well.

But there are two slightly redeeming qualities about the Godiva Milk Chocolate Mocha Belgian Blends. First, it has sweet, sweet caffeine. Although it’s last on the ingredients list, so it probably doesn’t have much to last me through the opening credits of a King of Queens rerun. Second, I picked it up at the un-Godiva-like price of $1.59. I think it’s the only Godiva product I can afford that won’t mess up my budget for all those trip to Colombia I take.

(Editor’s Note: THE Lord Jezo at 78west reviewed the French Vanilla Latte version of this product late last year. You can review his review here.)

Item: Godiva Milk Chocolate Mocha Belgian Blends
Price: $1.59 (9.5 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Caffeine, although not much of it. Cheap for a Godiva product. My ballerina twinkle toes. The movie Amelie.
Cons: Tastes like a watered down version of the Starbucks Mocha Frappuccino. I’m an asshole when holding it in my hand. Trips to Colombia. My behavior when watching the film Amelie.

Permalink | 22 Comments

Back from Vacation

Written by | February 22, 2007

Topics: General

Sorry for the lack of posts here recently.

I was in California/Tahoe this past week and did some snowboarding, sledding, freezing my ass off, gambling, wearing thermal underwear, eating an In-N-Out burger, recovering from a little groin pull, shopping at Target, and very little shaving. I bought a lot of things to review, especially at Target.

Hmm…I wonder if I should review the thermal underwear — and include pictures.

Permalink | 25 Comments

Jamba Juice Tahiti Green Tea

Written by | February 14, 2007

Topics: 4 Rating, Jamba Juice

Just like closing your eyes to get beyond the extremely crooked teeth, unevenly drawn in eyebrows, and mysterious boils on the skin of the troll you’re getting it on with, closing your eyes while sucking on the new Jamba Juice Tahiti Green Tea smoothie will help you experience it beyond its color, which as you can see from the picture is possibly the same color as a cat’s diarrhea after drinking lots of egg nog.

Once you go beyond its color, you will find out that the Tahiti Green Tea smoothie is quite delicious and possibly one of the tastiest ways to get green tea antioxidants, which is one of the most popular health supplements out there.

It’s wayyyy more healthier than the ThighMaster and wayyyy more popular than Jazzercize.

The Tahiti Green Tea smoothie’s combination of green tea powder, mango, lemonade, orange juice, orange sherbet, nonfat frozen yogurt, ice, and extremely loud Jamba Juice blenders creates a concoction that I’ll be buying a lot of since I’m tired of my usual means of green tea consumption, which involves dipping a tea bag into a mug of hot water for two to four minutes and giggling to myself as thoughts of teabagging circle my immature head.

I really do like green tea, although it isn’t my favorite tea name to say — which is oolong tea. I drink it for its health benefits, caffeine content, and it allows me to do something Asian other than using chopsticks, eating sushi, watching anime, driving a Toyota, and taking something the United States invented and making it better.

Mango is the dominant flavor in the Tahiti Green Tea smoothie and the texture of it is slightly mango-ish. The green tea flavor is very light and there is a slight sourness from the lemonade.

An original size also contains 360 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 85 grams of carbs, 3 grams of fiber, 77 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 140 percent of your daily recommended allowance of Vitamin A, 100 percent of your recommended daily allowance of Vitamin C, 100 percent of your recommended daily allowance of awesometasticness because you’re drinking a Jamba Juice, and 30 milligrams of caffeine.

Oooh! Oooh! 30 milligrams of caffeine! Sense my sarcasm!

That’s less caffeine than a can of Coke. It’s a nice amount if you’re trying to wean yourself off of the stimulant and it might be enough to kill an ant, but it’s not enough to get me through two pages of the Old English poem Beowulf or two minutes of anything with Ryan Seacrest in it.

But I like the Tahiti Green Tea smoothie so much that I’ll drink it for the antioxidants and great taste and then follow it up with a Red Bull chaser for the caffeine.

Item: Jamba Juice Tahiti Green Tea
Price: $4.72 (Original size)
Purchased at: Jamba Juice
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Green tea antioxidants. Very tasty. Mango-ey. Low fat. Saying oolong. Contains 100 percent of your recommended daily allowance of awesometasticness.
Cons: Doesn’t look green. Looks like a cat’s diarrhea after drinking too much egg nog. Entire review consisted of only 15 sentences. Only 30 milligrams of caffeine. Just like having sex with trolls, drinking one is much better with your eyes closed. My inability to relay sarcasm with words without blatantly pointing it out. Reading Beowulf.

Permalink | 32 Comments

Pong A Long 7′ Beer Pong Table

Written by | February 11, 2007

Topics: 4 Rating, Alcohol

I didn’t participate in any drinking games in college because I spent most of my time using myself as a guinea pig for serious sociology research on intense subjects, like finding out what effects playing Sony Playstation six hours a day has on a college student’s grades, seeing if a student can get a passing mark by not going to class throughout the semester and only taking the midterms and final, experiencing what its like to be on academic probation, and perhaps my favorite research topic, losing one’s virginity, which I’m still doing the research on because I have yet to pass first base due to my inability to take off a woman’s bra.

I hear there are many drinking games out there and I imagine they all have the same goal — to get everyone fucked up. Late last year, the Impulsive Buy was sent a portable beer pong table from a company called Pong A Long. At the time, I had no idea what beer pong was, but thanks to Wikipedia and one of my co-workers, who played it a lot at Penn State, I soon had a better understanding of the game.

The setup for beer pong is simple. Get a long table or take a door off of its hinges and place on top of two work horses, then set up ten tall 16-ounce red plastic cups on each end of the table like they were bowling pins, then fill each cup with the cheapest beer you can get your hands on, and then get some ping pong balls, preferrably ones that weren’t from a stripper who shot them out of her vagina.

The rules for beer pong are just as simple. There’s a team on each end of the table and the objective of each team is to make their opponent drink all ten cups of beer in front of them by throwing ping pong balls into the cups. The winner is the team that makes their opponent drink all ten cups first.

Since beer pong isn’t a game I can play by myself, like Monopoly, Jenga, and Solitaire, I needed an opponent. So I decided to play against fellow English degree holder and new Impulsive Buy writer, Stef.

Unfortunately, the both of us are not beer drinkers, but since we both enjoy vodka, we decided to go with Stoli Blueberi vodka and seltzer on the rocks. Now we could’ve shown you pictures of our beer pong game, but we didn’t think it would give you an accurate play-by-play. So using our English degrees, we decided to use the medium of words and express our competitiveness in the form of a rap battle. Enjoy.

Marvo:
The game is beer pong. The winner will definitely be me.
The poison don’t matter, beer or what were using, Stoli Blueberi.
I may have a lower alcohol tolerance, but that’s all right.
This game will be done quick, like a 1980s Mike Tyson fight.
Pong A Long table is out and the twenty red plastic cups are set.
So are you ready to have your ass handed to you, Stef?

Stef:
Whatever, buddy.  That’s all I’ve got to say,
You really think you can take this all the way?
Like Bon Jovi says, you’re “Livin’ on a Prayer,”
You’d be better off playing with some Care Bears.
Get ready to get drunk, loser, you’re through;
My balls are gonna be straighter than Tom Cruise.

Marvo:
Oh, “straighter than Tom Cruise?” I guess I have more hope.
Because his sexual orientation has been the butt of so many jokes.
It’s been five rounds and you haven’t got the ball in a cup.
Like Michelle Wie playing in a men’s event, you won’t make the cut.
With my pinpoint accuracy and rifle arm, there’s no way I can lose.
Need help? I’ve got a rocket scientist to calculate a trajectory you can use.

Stef:
Watching you cross your eyes while you aim is the sexiest thing.
Is your constipated throw and frustrated sigh all you’re gonna bring?
You can’t even hit the table, your accuracy’s a lie.
You throw like a girl, you’ve got nothing between your thighs.
Hurry up and throw it, there’s no need to think.
Hurry up and put it in, I need one of those drinks.

Marvo:
I’m keeping you sober, so I can give you a head start and me a handicap.
You may have made me drink six cups, but get ready for the comeback.
It’s going to be so much sweeter when I come from behind for the win.
It’s going to “Take My Breath Away” like that Top Gun song from Berlin.
I’m a lightweight, but the alcohol isn’t preventing me from making a shot.
Just like one-hit wonder, Buster Poindexter watch me get “Hot Hot Hot.”

Stef:
I’m not calling it a comeback like LL Cool J,
You can’t even hit the table, do you need to stop and pray?
I’m thirsty, want me to throw for you?
You’re certainly not getting anywhere anytime soon.
How’s about this?  I’ll let you keep going until you get one in,
I’m feeling sorry for you, since there’s no way you can win.
Like Pat says, you better “Hit Me With Your Best Shot,”
You’re drunk, you can’t aim, you’re everything I’m not.

Marvo:
The Pong-A-Long table is too long, it’s messing with my depth perception.
Can’t get a ball in, even if I’m aiming straight like a Bob Dole Viagra erection.
Never mind, got a ball in a cup, better drink up, it’ll help you drown the loss.
I’m feeling lucky, like any guy who went out with Mona from Who’s The Boss.
I’m on a roll, I’m knocking down cups fast and now we’re both down to two.
In no time, I’ll make you look like a fool, like a crazy, drunken Paula Abdul.
Hey do you want to listen to a bit of my beer pong champion speech?
“Thanks to those who supported me and the loser for wanting to compete.”

Stef:
I’d like to thank YOU for finally making one.
Geez, I needed a drink like Homey needs fun.
Don’t blame the table for your shortcomings, friend.
It’s your sad little incompetence that’s becoming a trend.
Let’s not forget that I had to give you free throws,
Otherwise we’d both be here until Vern Troyer grows.
So stop with the excuses and throw the damn ball,
I’m ready with my talent, are you ready to fall?

Marvo:
Not if I get you first, even if I’m redder than an ass after a S&M paddle party.
Down to one cup, but I’ll solve this dilemma like sleuths Frank and Joe Hardy.
I’ve got an idea that will help me become the beer pong king.
Jinx! Jinx! Booga booga! Swing batter batter swing!
Like my new tactic? I’d like to now see you get that ball in this red cup.
Jinx! Jinx! Booga booga! Swing batter batter swing! …Oh, fuck!

Stef:
Hell to the yeah, Marvo, you’re totally through.
It’s over like the Super Bowl; feel like the Bears, do you?
Admit you’re a scrub, wear your loser’s crown.
Go retreat to the corner and sit your tragic ass down.
Drink up that final cup, it’s the end of your story,
Like Jon Bon Jovi, you’ve been shot down in a blaze of glory.

Dammit! I suck!

Overall, the Pong A Long 7′ Beer Pong Table is pretty convenient for those who play often, although it is a little pricey for those college students who mostly eat ramen. It folds in half, has a handle and is somewhat lightweight (a little more than 20 pounds), making it portable, but even with it folded in half, it’s still too big to fit into the trunk of my Toyota Corolla, which can comfortably hold three to four dead or alive bodies.

Besides being somewhat portable, it’s well constructed and it only takes seconds to set up…unless you’re already drunk, then it obviously takes longer. How much longer? If you’re a dude, here’s a little equation to help you figure it out:

Your answer will end up being in minutes. So lets say you’re 160 pounds minus the 60 ounces of Bud you just drank multiplied by the three minutes it took you to figure out the hot blond chick across the room has a goatee, then divide that by 60 seconds and it will take you five minutes to set up the Pong A Long table — if you didn’t pass out.

Oh yeah, if you’re drunk, you might want to lay on top of the Pong A Long table because its cool surface will feel good on your skin, much like the tile bathroom floor you’re probably used to.

Item: Pong A Long 7′ Beer Pong Table
Price: FREE (Retails for $64.99)
Purchased at: Given free by Pong A Long
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Portable. Easy to set up, unless you’re drunk. Well constructed. Better than taking a door off of its hinges and then putting it back. Its cool top will feel good on skin when drunk. Can double as a dining table. Beer pong is good fun. Vodka.
Cons: Getting my ass handed to me and feeling a little emasculated. Kinda pricey for most college students. The length of it seems a little too long. Getting a ping pong ball into a red cup is hard. Folding it in half doesn’t make it small enough to fit into the trunk of some cars. I throw like a girl. Not knowing how to remove a woman’s bra.

Permalink | 27 Comments