Archive | March, 2007

Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint

Written by | March 28, 2007

Topics: 3 Rating, Colgate, Personal, Toothpaste

I need a Monica Lewinsky.

I’m not talking about the alcoholic beverage called Monica Lewinsky, which includes blue curacao liquor (representing her infamous blue dress), coconut rum (representing the infamous stain on her blue dress), vodka, stirred with a cigar, and garnished with a mini black thong.

Nor am I talking about the ham-filled Monica Lewinsky sandwich, the head-bobbing Monica Lewinsky dance, or the Monica Lewinsky tooth brushing technique.

What I’m trying to say is that I need an intern here at The Impulsive Buy.

Preferably a woman, even an ugly one, like that Sanjaya chick on American Idol.

Oh wait, I’ve just been told that Sanjaya is a dude. Are we sure about that?

Anyway, TIB needs an intern because I don’t really have a way to find out whether the Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint toothpaste actually makes me kissable or makes my kisses taste delicious. I know lots of beer with Barry White music playing in the background makes me kissable and so does a paper bag over my head with a picture of Luke Wilson’s face taped to it.

Having a female intern would give me someone I could make out with — for review purposes only — and she would be able to give me instant feedback on how effective the Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint toothpaste is. Sure I could turn to anyone of my usual make out partners; my pillows, my bathroom mirror, or the Winona Ryder wallpaper on computer monitor, but none of them would give me feedback.

Well actually the computer monitor does make my lips warm, my pillows might give me pimples around my mouth, and my bathroom mirror might give me herpes, but those are not the types of feedback I’m looking for.

As you can see from the picture, the Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint toothpaste is packed with mini breath strips. Just like the gold flakes in Goldschläger, the breath strips seem to be there only for decoration because they don’t make the toothpaste any more minty than others.

However, its minty berry flavor is good and its minty sweet taste reminds me of a kid’s toothpaste, which makes brushing a little enjoyable instead of the repetitive necessary chore that it is. So I guess with its good minty berry flavor, it could possibly make me kissable…or tolerable.

If I had an intern right now to make out with, they would probably agree with me. Heck, I’m at the point that I would even consider a dude as an intern. Hey, it’s not gay if it’s done for review purposes, I imagine I’m making out with Eva Longoria, and most importantly, I don’t get an erection.

Item: Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint
Price: $3.29
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Minty berry flavor is good. Kind of reminds me of a kid’s toothpaste. Female interns. Possibly makes me kissable or tolerable. Lots of beer definitely makes me kissable.
Cons: Mini breath strips are useless. Having sexual relations with female interns. Sanjaya is still on American Idol. TIB’s lack of an intern. My current make out partners: my pillow, my bathroom mirror, and my monitor wallpaper of Winona Ryder.

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Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream

Written by | March 25, 2007

Topics: 3 Rating, Beverage, Soda

I once had a crush in the eighth grade on a girl named Claudia.

She was Hispanic, cute, smart, goofy, and dimples appeared on her cheeks when she smiled. She wasn’t the prettiest girl at my school, but I was glad that she wasn’t, because the popular pretty girls were total whores, not only because they had hickies on their necks most of the time by guys who were in high school, but because the only time they would talk to me was when they needed to see my homework to copy it.

I think it was Claudia’s dimples that attracted me. She always seemed to have a smile on her face and because of that her dimples would always show. Her dad was a chef or something and perhaps because of that she kicked ass in our home economics class.

I remember her wearing a black and white checkerboard skirt every so often. I don’t know why I liked looking at it, but it seemed something cool that no one else wore. On the other hand, the whores at my school wore tight shirts, sweaters, and Bongo Jeans that showed off their developing bodies, which they flaunted in front of me as they called me names like weirdo, dork, nerd, four-eyes, and dweeb, but yet I still let them copy my homework.

I like to think that perhaps Claudia liked me too, until she started hanging out with Russell, that shaggy-haired bastard. For the first time in my life I felt jealousy. I considered Russell a friend, but after I saw him holding Claudia’s hand around school, my friendship with him ceased to exist. No longer would I talk to him about episodes of the anime Star Blazers or play soccer on the same field as him.

The word “caramel” in the new Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream reminds me of Claudia because caramel reminds me of her beautiful brown skin. But then again, a lot of things remind me of Claudia, like when I look up at a full moon and see its craters, they remind me of her dimples. When I open an oven, I think of her home economic skills. Every time I see a tile floor with an alternating pattern, I think of her checkerboard skirt.

Tasting the Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream is much like my relationship with Claudia before Russell and after Russell. The first sip I took from it had a delightful caramel flavor with a hint of artificial sweeteners, which was as delightful as my time spent with Claudia prior to Russell. The sip that quickly followed the first had the delightful caramel flavor sucked right out of it, much like how the life was sucked out of me when I saw Claudia in her checkerboard skirt holding hands with that shaggy bastard Russell.

This sudden lack of caramel flavor in the following sip puzzled me, much like how Claudia would find Russell attractive puzzled me. If Doogal existed back in the late 1980s, that’s what Russell would’ve looked like. Sure Russell was a nice guy and WAS my friend, but he was shorter than Claudia and kind of clumsy.

Anyway, after more taste testing, I found out that if I take roughly three or four minute breaks between sips instead of taking a sip and quickly following that with another sip, the caramel flavor doesn’t go away. However, taking three or four minutes in between sips caused me to nurse the bottle of soda for a while, and when the soda got warm it just didn’t taste the same.

I don’t know how long or how many sips it takes to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda, but I went to find out.

Marvo: Mr. Turtle, how many sips does it take to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda?

Mr. Turtle: I never made it without biting. Ask Mr. Owl.

Marvo: Mr. Owl, how many sips does it take to finish a 20-ounce bottle of Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream soda?

Mr. Owl: Let’s find out. One… two-HOO… three..

Mr. Owl: Crunch!

Mr. Owl: Three!

Marvo: Three? What are you? A frickin’ goat? What kind of animal bites into a plastic bottle? With the bottle in that condition, I don’t even think I can get my five cents back when I recycle it. Thanks, Mr. Fuckin’ Owl! I hope the next mouse you eat has rabies.

Much like the rest of the Diet Pepsi Jazz flavors, the caramel cream version is good, as long as you take decent breaks in between sips. I don’t know why it loses its flavor like it does when taking a second sip quickly after the first, but if you want to overcome the problem, I suggest drinking it via beer bong or shotgun style. That way it’s just one gigantic sip.

Item: Diet Pepsi Jazz Caramel Cream
Price: $1.09 (20-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good for a diet soda. Caramel-ly. First sip is good and sips after long breaks are good. Zero calories, fat, carbs, and sugar. Low sodium. Star Blazers. Claudia’s dimples. Claudia’s checkerboard skirt. Claudia’s home economics skillz.
Cons: The sip that quickly follows the initial sip won’t taste as good as the first. Slight artificial sweetener taste. Get shitty as it gets warm. Those whores at my school. That shaggy-haired bastard Russell. Mr. Owl.

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Oral Fixation Mints Variety 6-Pack

Written by | March 21, 2007

Topics: 2 Rating, Food, Mints, Personal

I know what you’re thinking.

With the word “oral” in the name of today’s review subject, the Oral Fixation Mints Variety 6-Pack, you’re probably wondering how many oral sex references will be in this review.

I thought about taking the blowjob approach, but realized going down on that long hard road would be an obvious twist for those of you who are regular Impulsive Buy reader. I wanted to wrap my head around quality, rock hard writing, instead of the usual crass and juvenile reviews I write.

But I also thought the idea would be fun to play with. This caused my head to go back and forth between taking the long hard road or not taking it. I also thought if I should swallow my pride, write the review, and see what people think or if I should spit out the idea.

In the end, I wiped my mouth clean of the oral sex idea and decided to do a classy review of these mints, which would involve me sucking on mints, taking it all in my mouth, and doing it repeatedly until I came to a happy ending.

Besides wondering about how many blowjob references would be in this review, I’m sure all of you have non-sexual questions about the Oral Fixation Mints Variety 6-Pack. So I posed myself several questions that someone would probably ask about these mints. Whether they be long or short questions, I’ll satisfy them all.

Question: What are the six flavors in the Oral Fixation Mints Variety 6-Pack and which mints did you like sucking on the most and least?

Answer: The six flavors are 7 Deadly Cinnamon, Mojito Mint (Lime Mine Cocktail), Night Light (Caffeinated Chai Mint), Sugar Free Tibet (Sugarless Wintergreens), Classical Peppermint, and Spare Mint. The mint I enjoyed sucking on the most was the Classical Peppermint, because I’ve sucked on a lot of mints over the years and every peppermint has always tasted good in my mouth. My least favorite was the Sugar Free Tibet mint because it tasted like I was sucking on a Fun Dip stick without the flavored sugar.

Question: I’m a smoker and I love to eat things with onions. My co-workers don’t like to be around me after my smoke break or lunch. Will these mints help with my breath?

Answer: If you’ve gone down are a few hot dogs loaded with onion and sauerkraut, I don’t think any of these mints have the power to mask what you just swallowed. None of the smooth mints in the Oral Fixation Variety 6-Pack come close to the punch that Altoids have. Even sticking more than one mint in your mouth won’t help.

Question: I don’t know if you watched Rush Hour 2, but remember that scene when they go to the massage parlor to find Ricky Tan and they’re allowed to choose among a plethora of hot Asian women. Is having to choose between the six mint flavors anything close to that?

Answer: Wow! That was a long question. Give me a moment to take it all in. A little bit more. I’m almost there. Okay, it’s all in. I have seen Rush Hour 2 and I think the scene when they had to choose among a plethora of hot Asian women is similar to picking which mints to suck on. Just like there were really exotic-looking women in that scene, there were also really exotic tasting mints. The Mojito Mint and Night Light mints were intriguing since they were unusual flavors for mints. The Mojito Mint had a good lime flavor and it was probably my second favorite mint from the bunch. The Night Light mints were caffeinated, but I don’t think there was enough to raise me to attention.

Question: Do you think the Oral Fixation logo on the tin looks frickin’ scary and it also looks like a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers mask?

Answer: Dude, it totally looks like a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers mask! Also, the embossed logo on each of the tins seems kind of creepy to me. When I look at it, I’m afraid the logo will pop out and stab me in an eye. Or they’ll melt off and form a pool of liquid metal, which will turn into a female cyborg hellbent on assassinating John Connor. It also looks like a female praying mantis about to eat her mate right after getting it on with each other. If I was sucking on a fattie, that logo would totally blow my mind.

Question: Did you try all six flavors at one time?

Question: I did stick all six mints in my mouth, and let me tell you, it was hard because it’s been awhile since I’ve had six mints in my mouth. I thought I’d spit some out, but I kept all of them in my mouth.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Dennis from Details For Men for sending me the Oral Fixation Mints Variety 6-Pack.)

Item: Oral Fixation Mints Variety 6-Pack
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received from Details For Men
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Nice tins. Variety is the spice of life. Classical Peppermint was the best. Mojito Mint was good. Night Light mint was interesting.
Cons: Not strong mints, like Altoids. Sugar Free Tibet. Oral Fixation Mints logo is creepy and looks like a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Mask.

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Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight

Written by | March 18, 2007

Topics: 8 Rating, Cereal, Special K

Chocolate makes everything better.

As a matter of fact, if I was chocolate coated…again, I would be ten times more attractive than I am now, which actually isn’t saying much, because I would be as attractive as Casey Affleck’s older and more popular brother, Ben Affleck…with a goatee.

Of course, the women who found me attractive would only like me for my chocolate coating and not what’s beyond it. Because once the chocolate coating is gone, it’s just me, my heart, my soul, my being, my hopes, my dreams, my memories, my fears and my naked body, which isn’t very attractive.

Actually, it’s kind of pale and nauseating.

Chocolate is powerful stuff. It has calming properties whenever you see a pale and nauseating naked body like mine. Eating it helps release serotonin in the brain, which produces feelings of pleasure. Dark chocolate contains flavonoids, which is an antioxidant that helps maintain a healthy heart. Excessive amounts of it make people fat. Some people also consider chocolate to be an aphrodisiac, although I do believe that there isn’t any amount of chocolate that would make a woman even think about making some sweet, sweet lovin’ with me.

Chocolate even has the power to turn a totally un-special, bland and shitty cereal into one of my new favorites. The new Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight is full of bland and shitty rice and wheat flakes with “chocolatey pieces.”

Note the quotation marks, because I don’t know if sugar, partially hydrogenated palm kernel oil, cocoa processed with alkali, cocoa, soy lecithin, artificial flavor, and milk equals chocolate, but according to the ingredients on the box that’s what the chocolatey chunks are made out of. Perhaps a candy expert can help us with ingredients mumbo jumbo?

Special K has always been marketed to women who are trying to lose weight and I have to applaud any woman out there that eats Special K to help them lose weight. I did the Special K diet and it SUCKED HARD! Women have it so rough because they give birth to children, they go through menstruation, and they eat a bland, shitty cereal to help them lose weight.

I don’t know how you women do it, but those abilities are probably the reasons why you’re the superior gender, except for those of you who end up on reality TV or any talk show that has topics like, “I Have Something to Tell You: I’m Pregnant, But It’s Not Yours” or “I Don’t Know Which Brother is My Baby’s Father.”

The flat chocolatey chunks in the new Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight cereal make it the BEST SPECIAL K CEREAL EVER, but most importantly it makes those bland and shitty rice and wheat flakes taste so much better and gives the cereal a mild chocolatey taste. Although just like regular Special K, the flakes get mushy quicker than I do while reading a Hallmark greeting card.

Almost every spoonful I took had a chocolatey piece in it. I don’t know how many chocolatey pieces are in each box, but there was A LOT. Although, it shouldn’t be surprising since it’s from Kellogg’s, the only company with the cojones to brag about the two scoops of raisins in their Raisin Bran. Despite the amount of chocolatey pieces, they don’t make the cereal taste very sweet, which is good as I wean myself away from Count Chocula.

The chocolatey pieces also don’t make the Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight significantly less healthy than regular Special K. One serving with skim milk has 160 calories, two grams of fat, no cholesterol, 75 milligrams of potassium, 25 grams of carbs, one gram of dietary fiber, nine grams of sugar, two grams of protein, a whole lot of vitamins and minerals, and for single men, 100 milligrams of embarrassment for having a box of Special K in their cart.

Unfortunately, not even chocolate can make up for that embarrassment.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to reader Jason who suggested TIB review the Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight. Maybe I’ll do the Special K Diet again.)

Item: Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Best Special K cereal EVER. Chocolatey pieces makes shitty rice and wheat flakes taste better. A possible healthier alternative to sugary cereals. Full of vitamins, minerals, and chocolatey pieces. Chocolate makes everything taste better. Kellogg’s big cojones. Women.
Cons: Special K flakes gets mushy quickly. 100 milligrams of embarrassment for single men who buy Special K. My pale and nauseating naked body.

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Go Girl Energy Drink

Written by | March 14, 2007

Topics: 4 Rating, Beverage, Energy Drink

Wassup, bitch!

I heard from my sister’s hairstylist’s mother’s babysitter’s gynecologist’s grandma that you were talking shit about me, little Ms. Tab Energy.

Oh, don’t be actin’ like you don’t know, cuz I know you know.

She said that you said I look like RuPaul. Well let me tell you that RuPaul is way better looking than you will ever be and he’s a dude. You’re just jealous that I got the body of a tall supermodel and a mind like Clair Huxtable’s, while you’ve got the body of Barbara Walters and a mind like pornstar Blair Fuxtable’s.

Psss…Don’t be tryin’ to play dumb with me, bitch.

I also heard from my girlfriend’s lawyer’s proctologist’s ex-brother-in-law that you also called me a fake plastic Barbie doll. Whatever, bitch!

You should look in the mirror sometime, because back in the day you looked way different, Ms. Tab Energy. You were short, chubby, and looked like a pink makeup Caboodle.

But look at you now at 40 years old, trying to look twenty years younger with pink, caffeine, plastic surgery, and liposuction. I don’t know if you’re in some kind of competition with Michael Jackson, but you’ve had so much plastic surgery that your body is now considered recyclable. Also, you can get all the plastic surgery and liposuction you want, but those stripes on you make you look fat.

Why you gotta hate, bitch? Just because I’m taller than you, taste better than you, and have more caffeine than you doesn’t mean you gotta be talking behind my back.

I got less than three calories, while you have five calories. I have 1,200 milligrams of taurine, while you have 785 milligrams. I have 150 milligrams of caffeine, while you have 95 milligrams. I have 150% of the daily allowance for niacin, while you only have 25%. I have 120% of the daily allowance for Vitamin B12, and you have a measly 15%. I also should mention the fact that I have 375% of the daily allowance for Vitamin B6, and all you got is 25%. I’ve got enough energy to make anyone as perky as Rachael Ray or Pam Anderson’s nipples on a breezy winter day.

I also have a mild herbal appetite suppressant, so howyoulikemenow, bitch?

What? You got nothin’ to say now? Cat got your tab? Well, I ain’t done with your striped ass yet.

I’m taller than you and have more energy than you, but I’m most proud of the fact that my berry tastes better than yours. I have a good berry flavor and that’s without sugar. Once people get a taste my berry, they ain’t going to want yours no more, Ms. Tab Energy.

So I better not hear from my plumber’s daughter’s lesbian lover’s nanny’s former classmate that you were talking shit about me, because I’ll go Jerry Springer Show on you, bitch!

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to long-time TIB reader Chuck, who informed me about Go Girl Energy Drink. For more Go Girl Energy Drink reviews, visit Screaming Energy and Energy Drink Reviews.)

Item: Go Girl Energy Drink
Price: $2.50 (12-ounce)
Purchased at: A Chevron gas station between Tahoe and Sacramento
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. Good berry flavor. Sugar free. 150 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine. Lots of B vitamins. Very low calorie. Portion of the proceeds donated to breast cancer research.
Cons: Hard to find. Talking shit about Go Girl Energy Drink. Going Jerry Springer Show on someone. Having the body of Barbara Walters and the mind of pornstar Blair Fuxtable.

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