Month: April 2005

REVIEW: Aquafina Wild Berry FlavorSplash

Marvo 31 Comments

Aquafina FlavorSplash

Everyone has these things they have to do everyday. Some people call them routines, some call them habits, some call them quirks, and some call them obsessive-compulsive actions, but everyone has them.

Here are the three things I have to do everyday:

1. Learn something new – It can be a new word, recipe, world capital, sexual position, or way to make a baby cry.

2. Give an offering to one of my celebrity shrines – I usually give ChapStick for my Angelina Jolie shrine, fresh herbs for my Rachael Ray shrine, an Emmy award for my Tina Fey shrine, and for my Winona Ryder shrine, a Saks Fifth Avenue gift card.

3. Drink enough water to make my pee clear – It shows that I’m well hydrated and when I pee, I don’t have to flush the toilet, because it looks like I didn’t do anything.

Some people say if your pee is clear, it shows that you’re healthy, but for me it also prevents other people from pointing fingers at me when they see “I ♥ Ryan Seacrest” written in yellow snow.

So how do you make your pee clear? You do it by drinking lots and lots of water.

They say everyone should drink eight glasses of water a day and I tried that, but drinking just plain old water got boring really quick. So I’ve been trying to mix it up with different types of water and it’s been sometimes successful and other times, like with the Aquafina Sparkling Water, it was a total disaster, like the Titanic sinking or any recent Ben Affleck movie.

You would think from that experience I would’ve learned my lesson with Aquafina water, but apparently I’m a sick masochistic son of a bitch, because I decided to try the zero calorie, zero carbs, and zero sugar Aquafina Wild Berry FlavorSplash.

Yeah, Aquafina! Give it to me, baby! Oh yeah, I like the way you punish my taste buds! Make me grimace, baby! Make me gag, Aquafina!

So what’s the difference between Aquafina FlavorSplash and Aquafina Sparkling?

Aquafina FlavorSplash contains no carbonation and is artificially sweetened with Splenda, while Aquafina Sparkling has carbonation and all-natural flavors, contains no sugars or artificial sweeteners, and tastes so bad that plants would find a way to spit it out.

I thought the FlavorSplash was going to rock my world…in a bad way. However, it turned out to be not bad. It’s got a very light berry taste and it also tastes like someone dumped a couple of packets of Equal into the bottle and mixed it up.

It’s slightly better than regular water, but waaaay better than Aquafina Sparkling. I guess Splenda is good for something else besides pretending to be cocaine.

I thought I found a decent plain water replacement, until I let the half-full bottle (or half-empty for you pessimistic folks) of Aquafina FlavorSplash sit outside of the refrigerator for a few hours. It turns out that it’s like milk, the longer you leave it out of the refrigerator, the better the chances of you spitting it out.

Well as long as it’s chilled I think FlavorSplash is not bad, but then again, I think former MTV VJ Kennedy is a babe.

Item: Aquafina Wild Berry FlavorSplash
Purchase Price: 89 cents
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Not bad. Cheap. Waaay better than Aquafina Sparkling. Zero calories. Zero sugars. Zero carbs. My celebrity shrines. I like punishment.
Cons: Tastes crappy warm. Most Ben Affleck movies.

Degree Ultra Clear Clean Slate Deodorant

Marvo 25 Comments

Degree Deodorant

When living in a humid environment, it’s necessary to use some kind of deodorant. If you don’t, no one will invite you to car pool, use the exercise equipment next to you, or want to be in the same elevator as you. Although I have to say, someone stepping into an elevator without deodorant still isn’t as bad as someone farting in an elevator.

Of course, there are advantages to NOT using deodorant, like making it hard for guys to guard you while playing basketball or having a lot of space on the dance floor to break out your pop-n-lock routine.

For the past few years, my deodorant of choice has been the Old Spice Fresh Scent Clear Stick Deodorant, but I decided it was time for a change. It’s like doing the missionary position all the time. After awhile, it gets pretty boring and you want to try something different.

While shopping at my local drugstore, I planted myself in front of the men’s deodorant shelf and smelled as many as I could, trying to find my new scent. I decided on the Degree Ultra Clear Clean Slate Deodorant, because it just so happened to be in my hands when I thought blood was going to come out of my nose because I destroyed my olfactory system from smelling over a dozen deodorants.

I’ve preferred clear deodorant sticks over the white solid deodorant sticks ever since I saw LL Cool J’s performance on MTV’s Unplugged. In case you missed it, during his performance LL Cool J wasn’t wearing a shirt, then during “Mamma Said Knock You Out,” he grabbed both microphones and raised his elbows above his shoulders and there in his hairy armpits were huge white globs of deodorant.

It was probably the only moment that ladies didn’t love Cool James. Ever since then, I’ve sworn off the white stuff and now I trim my armpit hair.

During the first few days of using it, the Clean Slate scent coming from my armpits was pretty strong, but it was a nice clean scent, so I didn’t mind. I really wanted someone else to smell it to get their opinion, but I didn’t realize how hard it was to find someone to smell my armpits.

Well actually, finding someone to smell and lick my armpits was easy, but I didn’t want to pony up the $40 for that. But finding someone to do that for free was impossible.

So how well does the deodorant work? Let’s just say, I went running for a couple of miles with it on and when I was done, I didn’t smell like I just went running for a couple of miles, but I really wish I had someone to smell my armpits to confirm it.

After a couple of weeks of use, I prefer the Degree Clean Slate scent over the Old Spice Fresh scent, but I think that has more to do with the fact I’m tired with the missionary position (ie Old Spice Fresh scent) and enjoy the newness of the bullfrog position (ie Degree Clean Slate scent).

Besides the scent, another thing I liked about the Degree deodorant was the way to advance the deodorant out from its container, which involved twisting the whole bottom of the container. The Old Spice deodorant just had a simple knob. Again, I probably think this is cool because of the newness of the bullfrog position.

However, if there was one thing I didn’t like, it was the container’s concave lip, which will probably make it hard to milk every last bit of the deodorant stick.

Item: Degree Ultra Clear Clean Slate Deodorant
Purchase Price: $2.50
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Nice clean smell. Scent might be a bit too strong at first. Trimmed armpit hair. LL Cool J’s performance on MTV’s Unplugged.
Cons: Concave lip might make it hard to use every last bit of the deodorant. LL Cool J’s deodorant choice for MTV’s Unplugged. Getting it on in only the missionary position.

REVIEW: Jalapeno Pringles

Marvo 33 Comments

Jalapeno Pringles

A couple weeks ago Impulsive Buy reader, James, emailed me to tell me about the Limited Edition Jalapeno Pringles. After I read his email, I really wanted to find them, because I’m a sucker for limited edition items.

So far with these Limited Edition Pringles, it’s been hit or miss. I’ve tried two Limited Edition flavors: Ketchup Pringles (which were pretty dang good) and Salt & Pepper Pringles (which were pretty dang bad).

If I was going to find these Jalapeno Pringles, I knew there was only one place I would find them: The gigantic, small-business destroying, rollback-price-advertising behemoth, known as Walmart.

I don’t really like going to Walmart, because I heard that every time someone shops at Walmart, a part of their soul leaves them. Also, I heard that every time someone shops at Walmart, the eyes of a Walton family member spin like a slot machine and when they stop, dollar signs appear and they yell “Ka-ching!”

Anyway, I went into Walmart with only the Jalapeno Pringles on my shopping list and I wasn’t going to buy anything else. I headed to the snack aisle and, fortunately, they had them in stock. Plus, they were only 99 cents. I found what I was looking for and I tried to head towards the cashiers, but something suddenly came over me.

“Oooh, Star Wars cereal! I have to buy that,” I said to myself.

“Oooh, Limited Edition Southwestern Salsa Pringles! It’s only 99 cents!”

“Clorox Toilet Wand? Hey, it’s on sale!”

“36 count box of lubricated Trojan condoms? I’ll never get the chance to use them, but they’re so cheap.”

It was like a quasi-product review blog editor’s wet dream, except it was real and I didn’t want it to happen.

When I finally got to the cashier, my total turned out to be over fifty dollars.

DAMMIT! Damn you, Walmart! Damn you!

Anyway, I was looking forward to trying the Jalapeno Pringles because I like spicy foods and I was hoping these Pringles would be as spicy as the Fiery Hot Pringles. There are many ways to determine how spicy something is, but the best way come from a wise man who once said, “The true test of spicy food is if it goes in spicy and it comes out spicy.”

Well the Jalapeno Pringles were spicy going in, but not as spicy hot as the Fiery Hot Pringles and it didn’t come out spicy. However, the artificial Jalapeno flavor was pretty good and somewhat authentic.

(Note to the Pringles Gods: Please make habanero-flavored Pringles.)

So are the Jalapeno Pringles worth going back to Walmart for?

Yeah, I would go back and pick up more, but only if I bring the exact amount in my wallet and leave all my credit or debit cards at home.

Item: Jalapeno Pringles
Purchase Price: 99 cents
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice taste. Spicy. Cheap at Walmart.
Cons: Walmart. Not as spicy as I hoped. Had to shop at Walmart. Spent more than I wanted at Walmart. Limited Edition.

REVIEW: Coke With Lime

Marvo 34 Comments

Coke With Lime

(Editor’s Note: Today’s review subject was suggested by another resident on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, Lakitu. At first, I wasn’t going to review it, because Lakitu actually likes sparkling water. This made me think she was crazy…or has no taste buds. But she likes to lick sparkling water off of hot bodies, so I figured she couldn’t be so bad. So here’s the review. Enjoy.)

Hey! Hey! You two stop it!

Don’t make me pull over, because if I do, you two will regret it.

Why can’t you two just get along, Coke and Pepsi?

Coke, stop messing with Pepsi’s cap! I said stop!

If you two can’t play nice, I’m going to make the two of you walk home.

What did you say, Coke? Don’t you fizz at me!

I said cool it!

I swear you two are going to drive me insane. See all the white hair and the fillings? I got them from you two.

You just wait until we get home. I’m going to put one of you in the vegetable drawer and one of you in the freezer for a timeout session.

No, Pepsi, I don’t care if you explode in the freezer, I can always get another one of you.

Oh, come on! Quit it or else I’m going to cancel our trip to Disneyland!

This cola fight has to stop. Can’t the both of you be happy with being multibillion dollar companies? It’s not like either of you are RC Cola.

You may not realize this, but the only people you’re hurting are your consumers.

Coke, I didn’t hear you apologize for New Coke. All you did was slowly sweep New Coke under the rug, bring back the old Coke, and call it Classic Coke. You didn’t think I saw that, but I did.

Oh, don’t laugh Pepsi, you’re guilty, too. Remember Pepsi AM? Don’t act like you don’t remember, because I know you do.

Now what’s this I hear about Coke with Lime. Now Coke, you just can’t keep sticking stuff in you. You did lemons, cherries, and vanilla. What’s next? Chocolate? Strawberries? Pomegranate? You’re gonna get sick, and if you get sick, you’re going to make other people sick.

Remember the time you stuck Pop Rocks in you? What happened? You threw up. And who had to clean that mess? I did.

But I did try Coke with Lime and thought it wasn’t bad. The lime taste was really weak, unlike the vanilla taste in Vanilla Coke and the cherry taste in Cherry Coke. Also, I think the lime took out some of the bite that you usually have, Coke. I have to say I’m very disappointed in you.

See this is what happens when you don’t think before you act.

The same goes for you, Pepsi. You can’t play mad scientist, like Coke. I know what you’re up to, Mister. I’m sure you’re working on your own version of Coke with Lime in your room and you’re probably going to call it Pepsi Splash, Pepsi Squirt, or Pepsi Squeeze.

Just to let you know, nobody likes a copycat.

Also, I found the issues of Playboy under your mattress. You know, every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.

But that’s besides the point. See you two made me lose focus.

All you two do is go back and forth.

Diet Coke. Diet Pepsi. Vanilla Coke. Pepsi Vanilla. Cherry Coke. Wild Cherry Pepsi. Coke with Lemon. Pepsi Twist. C2. Pepsi Edge. Pepsi One. Coke Zero.

Enough is enough.

Eventually you two are going to take it too far and someone’s really going to get hurt.

When will it all end?

Coke Infinity? Then Pepsi Infinity Plus One?

Look, I love you both, but if this keeps going on, I’m going to send one of you back.

Item: Coke With Lime
Purchase Price: $1.29
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Not bad tasting. It comes in a bottle. Coke thought of adding lime first.
Cons: Very light lime taste. Nothing special. Never-ending cola fight. Whiny multibillion dollar companies.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Dollar Menu

Marvo 31 Comments

McDonald's Dollar Menu

To celebrate McDonald’s 50th anniversary, I decided to review a McDonald’s product for today. Unfortunately, they don’t have anything new out, so instead I decided to order everything on the McDonald’s Dollar Menu and try to eat it all in one sitting.

Yeah! Eat your heart out, Morgan Spurlock. Oh wait, you would probably eat your heart out. After all, you did eat 30 straight days of nothing but McDonald’s food.

For those of you who are smart enough to avoid McDonald’s food, the Dollar Menu is a menu of items that cost only a dollar, but being that you’re smart enough to avoid McDonald’s food, you probably knew that already.

The eight items on the Dollar Menu are: A double cheeseburger, McChicken sandwich, small fries, small drink, hot fudge sundae, fruit ‘n yogurt parfait, two apple pies, and a side salad.

Eating everything on the Dollar Menu may not seem that bad, but consuming 2,455 calories, 107 grams of fat, 175 milligrams of cholesterol, 3,115 milligrams of sodium, 309 grams of carbs, and 152 grams of sugar can’t be a good thing, like being an 8-year old boy in a room with Michael Jackson.

This wasn’t Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich dangerous, it was Hardee’s Monster Thickburger dangerous.

As I waited in line at McDonald’s, I thought about the consequences of what I was about to do. I could increase my cholesterol count, have high blood pressure, gain a few pounds, or have really bad gas. After realizing this, I thought about walking out of the line and scheduling an appointment with my doctor to see if my body could handle this, or at least, pick up some Beano.

However, I said to myself, “Balls to the wall.”

Then I wondered if that saying even existed, but eventually shrugged it off and ordered my food.

I came away with five McDonald’s bags and as I drove away I wondered if it would’ve been safer for me to eat in the restaurant, just in case something happens. Oh, how I wish I had a medical alarm bracelet. “Help I’ve eaten three times the amount of McDonald’s food in one sitting than I should and I can’t get up because of my fat ass.”

When I got home and laid the food out on the table, a serious problem arose. Which food item should I start with? With eight food items there were eight way I could start, or as I decided to call it, eight ways to possibly get diabetes.

Since the hot fudge sundae was almost melted, I decided to start there. Oh, how I love the hot fudge sundae. Oh, how I wish I had a girlfriend to lick it off of. Oh, how I wish I didn’t sound like such a kinky freak.

I followed that with the not-so-fresh looking side salad, which could’ve been the healthiest item on the Dollar Menu if it weren’t for the creamy Caesar dressing I added. It’s sort of like eating a tub of ice cream while working out on your BowFlex or adding crack (pharmaceutical or anatomical) to your Kellogg’s Cracklin’ Oat Bran cereal.

The double cheeseburger and small fries were next, which was probably the best and least healthiest parts of the feast. I followed that with one of the baked-but-looks-fried apple pies. By this point, I was full, but took a few deep breaths and put my balls to the wall, finishing the fruit ‘n yogurt parfait, McChicken sandwich, and small soda.

After that barrage of food, all that was left was the other apple pie, but my spider-sense told me that I should leave the apple pie alone for now. However, six hours later, that apple pie became my dinner. It was the only thing I had for dinner.

It’s been over 24 hours since my Dollar Menu feast and I feel fine. However, yesterday after consuming everything, I felt extremely sluggish for the rest of the day and just lounged around the house. But at least I now know what it’s like to be Kevin Federline, except without the boinking Britney Spears part.

So what would I do differently next time? I definitely won’t try to eat the entire McDonald’s Dollar Menu in one sitting. Eating that much food on a regular basis could turn me into one of those 500-pound freaks who sit on the couch all day, have other people wipe their ass, and need a whole wall ripped out in order for them to be taken to a hospital.

Also, I really wished I had bought some Beano.

So what have I learned? Nothing new, but this experience has made me swear off fast food…for a few weeks or when someone builds a Hardee’s here, whichever comes first.

Oh yeah, Happy Birthday, McDonald’s!!!

Item: McDonald’s Dollar Menu
Purchase Price: $8.00
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Cheap eats, if bought individually. I’m still alive. Hot fudge sundae. Double cheeseburger. Small fries.
Cons: Expensive if bought all together. Same nutritional values as a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger sandwich. Too much food. Fruit ‘n yogurt parfait. Side salad. Couldn’t finish it all. Experienced what it’s like to be Kevin Federline. Really bad gas.