Month: November 2006

The Shopping Cart #5

Marvo 21 Comments

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to all the readers who participated in yesterday’s Vote To Torture Me Election. The results were very surprising and in a landslide vote, you readers chose to save my ears and save my soul. So I won’t be reviewing K-Fed’s attempt to take over Vanilla Ice’s reign as the biggest rap poser/wannabe ever. Thank you.)

The Shopping Cart takes a quick look at things that I’ve bought, but am too lazy to write a full review for.

What I’m Eating That Possibly Tastes Like The Rotting Crushed Corpses of Gingerbread Men


At the slow rate of deliciousness these Lucerne Limited Edition Yogurts are going, I believe in 2010, they will be so delicious that little old ladies will either steal them from your shopping cart, violently fart in the yogurt section to prevent you from getting close to it, or assault you with their walkers at Safeway for them.

But right now they suck.

The other week I tried the Lucerne Limited Edition Chai Latte Light Yogurt and it made me gag hard. Although not as much as I did watching the video of Anna Nicole Smith giving birth via C-section on YouTube (Warning NSFW and NSFTWHMGW*).

This week I tried the Lucerne Limited Edition Gingerbread Light Yogurt, which had a slightly better spicy taste than the Chai Latte version…very slightly. It tasted somewhat similar to the Chai Latte version, but this time it didn’t make me do any pubic-hair-stuck-in-my-throat gagging.

It was decent enough for me to be able to finish an entire cup of it, which I couldn’t even come close to doing with the previous limited edition flavor. But I would not eat another one unless someone forced me to choose between eating another Lucerne Limited Edition Gingerbread Light Yogurt or watching the Anna Nicole Smith C-section video.

*Not Safe For Those Who Hate Money Grubbing Whores

Happy Election Day: Vote to Torture Me

Marvo 56 Comments

With it being Election Day here in the United States, I thought it would be awesometastic if I gave you readers the opportunity to vote for something here at the Impulsive Buy. I thought about doing a product election, which would’ve allowed you readers to vote for what I review next among a selection of five or six products.

Instead, I decided to do something a little bit more interesting.

Last week, Britney Spears’ favorite “hardcore rapper”/husband/baby batter provider Kevin Federline released his not-at-all-anticipated “rap album,” Playing With Fire. Now I would hate to contribute to the Kevin Federline Needs A Razor To Shave So He Doesn’t Look Like A Punkass Fund, but sometimes sacrifices need to be made in the name quasi-product reviews.

So what you’ll be voting for this Election Day is to determine whether or not you’re going to make me suffer by making me purchase and listen to Kevin Federline’s Playing With Fire. I’m pretty sure me listening to his “rap album” is going to end up winning in a landslide vote, but I’m curious to know how many of you want me to be miserable.

Now here are the voting procedures:

If you would like me to review K-Fed’s “rap album,” just leave a comment with this post with the word “Popozao” and whatever else you would like to say.

If you have compassion and don’t want me to review Playing With Fire, just leave a comment with this post with the sentence, “When Webster’s decides to add the word ‘wigger’ to its dictionary, they will put a picture of Kevin Federline next to its definition” or whatever you want to say to prevent me from reviewing it.

Voting will start immediately and will end at 12:00 a.m. (Hawaii Standard Time) on Wednesday, November 8th.

Now go vote, because I know you want me to squirm.

I’m Marvo and I approve this message.

REVIEW: Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea

Marvo 20 Comments

Who knew pyramids were the perfect vessels for dried up, shriveled things, like the mummies of Egyptian pharaohs, Betty White’s game show career as a regular guest on $25,000 Pyramid, and the tea in the new Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Teas.

According to the Lipton website, the pyramid shape of the mesh bag allows it to have enough room for the hot water to infuse with the tea, better extracting its rich color and flavor, which sort of takes a page from the thermodynamics of underwear, “Restriction of air flow creates a funky smell you know.”

The instructions for the Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea bags are as simple as any other bagged teas. Just pour hot water over it and steep for about three minutes.

You know what? I don’t think I like the word “steep” in this context, since the word could also have a totally different meaning like, “There’s a steep cliff there where we can dump the body.” I think I’ll create another term for this action.

Hmm…let me think.

Bag brewing? Nah.

Tea dipping? Nah.

Oh, I got it. Let’s call it teabagging.

I don’t know about you, but to me, teabagging is quite therapeutic. There’s something kind of nice about dipping my tea bag into the mouth of a mug. The warm steam coming up from the mug’s mouth, I think, would feel pretty good on my tea bag.

There are also several ways of teabagging. I could dip my tea bag in and out of the mouth of a mug or I could just leave it in the mug’s mouth until my tea bag is ready to come out. Both ways are equally satisfying. I also enjoy watching drops of liquid fall off the end of my tea bag and back into the mug’s mouth.

Anyway, the Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea is made from premium orange pekoe and pekoe cut black tea. Despite its name, the orange pekoe does not give the tea an orange flavor. It’s sort of like how Kevin Federline calling himself a rap artist doesn’t make him a rap artist, since no one else calls him one.

The Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea has a nice black tea flavor, which isn’t very bitter like regular Lipton tea, but it’s kind of plain and boring like all Tim Allen movies and probably could’ve used a little fruit infusion much like the other flavors in the Lipton Pyramid Tea line have. It also does make a nice refreshing iced tea when some ice cubes and sugar are added.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some serious teabagging to do.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to long time Impulsive Buy reader Muneer for letting me know about the Lipton Pyramid Teas.)

Item: Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea
Price: $5.69
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tasty tea. 140 milligrams of antioxidants. 20 pyramid bags per box. Makes a good iced tea. Teabagging. Betty White in Golden Girls.
Cons: Kind of plain, could’ve used a little fruit infusion. Extremely pricey here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I know it’s a given, but I have to put Kevin Federline and Tim Allen movies here.

REVIEW: Ore-Ida Extra Crispy Easy Breakfast Potatoes

Marvo 38 Comments

When all the other men on the face of the Earth disappear and I am the last man on the planet, women will have to come over to my place to keep the human race going. When the ladies come over for some sweet, sweet lovin’, I like to give them a night to forget, full of my crying a night to remember, full of pleasure, and if they’re into it, a little pain.

If they don’t run away sleep over, I can also give them a morning to remember with a little surprise.

Herpes. Breakfast.

After a night of drunken “I totally don’t know your name” sex passionate lovemaking, she’ll probably need breakfast to realize that I’m not as handsome in daylight as I am under a strobelight reenergize herself so that she can get through the day. After all, breakfast is her chance to escape the most important meal of the day.

Sure, I could just pour her a bowl of Froot Loops Raisin Bran with chocolate milk skim milk, but I want to show her that I’m not cheap I had a wonderful time last night and I hope the leopard print fuzzy handcuffs didn’t freak her out it was wonderful for her as well.

Instead, I would warm up pizza from the other night cook her a breakfast, that consists of eggs, bacon, and some potatoes.

I like cooking breakfast because it is the only time I get to wear my “Kiss the Cook….Down There” apron is one of the easiest and quickest meals to make. On several occasion, I’ve cooked breakfast for dinner because it’s the only thing I know how to cook it’s so easy to do.

Look at that picture of breakfast-sy goodness on the right, ladies. You can expect that in the morning if you happened to be tricked by me to come to my place to see my Ansel Adams photo collection that doesn’t exist come over and spend the night.

The eggs and bacon take only minutes to make, but the potatoes can be a totally different story. Sure I could just stick some day-old potato wedges from KFC in the microwave and say I slaved over a stove to make them. Sure I could cut up some red potatoes into wedges, dip them in egg whites, sprinkle paprika over them, and stick them in the oven for 30 minutes at 450 degrees, but I wouldn’t want the mother of my possible future illegitimate children caused by an expired broken condom beautiful woman in my bed to wait.

Thank goodness for these frozen Ore-Ida Extra Crispy Easy Breakfast Potatoes. Using the crisp and serve tray made out of the box, they take four short minutes to heat up in the microwave, which is the same amount of time I would last during a sweet, sweet lovemaking session it would take me to cook the eggs and bacon to go along with it. The result of those four minutes are some decently crispy potatoes, but not extra crispy like the box says, which is as disappointing as my performance in the bedroom the Detroit Tigers in the 2006 World Series.

The Ore-Ida Extra Crispy Easy Breakfast Potatoes taste pretty good for something that came out of the microwave. I noticed a slight peppery taste to them, which I’m sure a lady friend who slept over would like because it will help get the taste of me out of her mouth she won’t need to reach for the salt or pepper.

When they’re on sale for $1.25 a box, they’re cheap enough to stock up on, which will come in handy when some woman stays over after giving me pity sex another lady friend comes over.

Item: Ore-Ida Extra Crispy Easy Breakfast Potatoes
Price: $1.25 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Pretty good for something that came out of a microwave. Quick to make. The crisp and serve tray. Crispy, but not extra crispy. Enough for two people. Making breakfast for a lady friend. My “Kiss the Cook…Down There” apron.
Cons: 1.5 grams of trans fat per serving. Herpes. My short performances in the bedroom. Illegitimate children caused by an expired broken condom. Tricking women to come over. Making sweet, sweet love with me.