REVIEW: Kellogg’s Cinnamon Jacks

Kellogg's Cinnamon Jacks

Of all the eternal questions I often ruminate on, none perplexes me more than that of Apple Jacks’ place in the universe.

Does it, as we insisted in our youthful ignorance of baggy pants and skateboards, taste nothing like an actual apple? Or does the formula of dried apples and apple juice concentrate really harbor in the crisp and sweet taste of fall’s bountiful crop?

I suppose the answer will never truly be arrived at, but thankfully, Kellogg’s latest spinoff of the ever-popular Apple Jacks cereal doesn’t pose such weighty concerns.

Yes, Cinnamon Jacks really does taste like cinnamon, and manages even keeps alive a fine tradition of creepy cereal spokesmen and challenging back-of-the-box games to boot.

Promising a “brown sugar and cinnamon taste,” Cinnamon Jacks consists of “X” or jack shaped red and orange pieces served up by Cinnamon, the Rastafarian bug-eyed mascot first introduced in 2007 as a foil to the creepy Apple-looking guy who adorns boxes of Apple Jacks. Unlike cereals which advertise themselves as good for you and responsible in their stewardship of the environment and all that crap, the back of the box of Cinnamon Jacks doesn’t send me back to sleep in boredom.

That’s not to say it’s filled up by the usual mazes or cartoons. It’s even marginally educational, complete with words games that make me wish I would have picked up the phone and ordered Hooked on Phonics during those days of playing hooky in elementary school.

The cinnamon flavor is the first thing that registers on my taste buds. It quickly migrates its way into the roof of my mouth to somehow permeate into the schnoz cavity, conferring a distinctive if not sophisticated element which manages to traverse its way somewhere between Wrigley’s Cinnamon gum and classic mulling spices.

Kellogg's Cinnamon Jacks Dry Closeup

The jacks are sweet but not cloying, although I don’t really pick up any distinctive brown sugar elements (brown sugar is not listed in the ingredients, either.) Matched up in terms of pure cinnamon sugar addictiveness against everyone’s favorite cinnamon cereal, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cinnamon Jacks would get clobbered worse than ‘88 Broncos in the Super Bowl. Put up against the likes of cinnamon cereal middleweights like Cinnamon Chex, however, it more than holds its own.

There’s something off with the little jack-shaped pieces though, with their crispy bite yielding to a somewhat disassociated flavor that just doesn’t taste intrinsically yummy to my well-trained cereal taste buds. A quick check of the ingredients lists reveals the culprit: The dreaded whole grain yellow corn flour.

Seriously, what makes companies think that corn and cinnamon work? I may not be up with the latest foodie trends, but I still haven’t seen anyone pour cinnamon and brown sugar on their corn on the cob, while the likes of other corn-based cinnamon cereals, like Cinnamon Honey Comb, have fizzled.

Thankfully there’s enough sweetness and cinnamon flavor to carry me through a dry handful without thinking too much of Kix, but I can’t help but think the little chromosome shapes would taste better and have a heartier crunch if the first ingredient was oat or wheat flour.

Kellogg's Cinnamon Jacks Wet Closeup

For whatever reason, that strange corn flour taste disappears once milk is applied, with the jack pieces transferring their cinnamon sugar sweetness to the end milk while still retaining good flavor in their own mushy right. The end-milk is most excellent; not only drinkable on its own, but added to a morning cup of joe as well.

Cinnamon Jacks isn’t as good as Cinnamon Toast Crunch but that’s okay. It tastes much more like cinnamon than Apple Jacks taste like apples, which is good, because it means that I don’t have to add it to my universal questions to ponder list and can instead go back to wondering about things like how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop or if Luke Skywalker has a middle name.

(Nutrition Facts – 28 grams – 110 calories, 20 calories from fat, 2 gram of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and a buttload/cornucopia/smorgasbord of vitamins and minerals, although no calcium.)

Item: Kellogg’s Cinnamon Jacks
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 10.7 ounces
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Finger licking cinnamon-sugar coating. Cinnamon flavor is more sophisticated than what you’d expect from a cereal represented by Rastafarian skateboarding cinnamon stick mascot. Drinkable end-milk. Whole grainy goodness. Not having to contemplate whether or not it really tastes like cinnamon.
Cons: Corn flour taste is too assertive and clashes with the sweetness. No actual brown sugar involved. Not very crunchy. No richness. Learning that Luke Skywalker doesn’t have a middle name after all.

REVIEW: Burger King Avocado & Swiss Whopper

Burger King Avocado and Swiss Whopper

Aioli.

It looks like it could be the Hawaiian word for “maybe,” but ‘a’ole.

However, if you watch Food Network cooking shows or call yourself a “foodie” and have more pictures of food you’ve made/eaten than pictures of your children, you know what aioli is. If not, let me explain what aioli is…after I Google it because I have no idea what it is.

According to the first search result, aioli is a creamy French sauce made using lemon juice, eggs, garlic, and olive oil. Oooh, fancy! Aioli is also an ingredient found in Burger King’s new Avocado & Swiss Whopper. Oooh, fancy! Along with an avocado aioli, the limited time only Whopper features a beef patty, bacon, Swiss cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, and an avocado spread on a sesame seed bun.

Hey! Wait a minute!

That’s sound awfully similar to Burger King’s California Whopper, which also has a beef patty, bacon, Swiss cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, and an avocado spread (guacamole) on a sesame seed bun. However, while many of the ingredients are the same, the Avocado & Swiss Whopper is a much better tasting burger.

Burger King Avocado and Swiss Whopper Top

The thin beef patty, pale lettuce, tomatoes, and sesame seed bun that make up most of the sandwich didn’t provide any surprises since it’s the same stuff you’d find on a regular Whopper. Also, much like the guacamole in the California Whopper, the avocado spread in the Avocado & Swiss Whopper didn’t have much flavor and it seemed like it was there mostly as glue to keep the lettuce and bacon from falling out.

Speaking of the bacon, it was smoky, thick-ish, and somewhat crisp. It was pretty good fast food bacon, but the amount in the sandwich was less than a slice of bacon fried at home, which wasn’t enough to cover half the burger. As for the Swiss, it surprisingly added some cheesy flavor to the sandwich that doesn’t get lost under all the other ingredients.

Burger King Avocado and Swiss Whopper Side

But, again, what makes this burger special is the avocado aioli, which sounds like an ingredient you’d find on a sandwich from an upscale burger joint or on a Whopper from a European Burger King. The sauce was pleasantly zesty and its flavor reminded me of hot dog relish. It gives the Avocado & Swiss Whopper a unique flavor that makes the sandwich one of my favorite Whopper varieties of all time.

* ‘a’ole is the Hawaiian word for “no”

(Nutrition Facts – 730 calories, 350 calories from fat, 39 grams of fat, 15 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 100 milligrams of cholesterol, 1510 milligrams of sodium, 58 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, and 38 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Avocado & Swiss Whopper
Purchased Price: $6.69 (sandwich only)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Wonderful limited time only Whopper. Tasty avocado aioli. Unique flavor. Good bacon. Avocado keeps lettuce and bacon from falling out. Getting to use a Hawaiian word in a review, which I hope I spelled correctly. Google.
Cons: Avocado spread didn’t have much flavor. Pricey. Not enough bacon. Putting everything you eat on Instagram. Thin beef patty. Some folks won’t like the avocado aioli.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger

McDonald’s Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger

If we were to compare fast food burger chains to global powers – and seriously, why would we? – then I’m apt to consider McDonald’s as somewhat akin to the British Empire.

Once the bastion of all fast food burger development, Ray Kroc’s hegemony of franchises long laid claim to influences far and wide, bringing such powerful and lucrative brands like the Big Mac to every corner of the globe. Hamburgers, fries, fountain sodas…they were dreadnaughts in this global proliferation of fast food hardware, and it wasn’t long until others – notably Otto von Burger King – began to challenge the idea that the sun would never set on the Golden Arches.

If you stare at the lights on in a 24-hour Micky D’s long enough in the wee hours of the morning you might argue that sun hasn’t really set. And McDonald’s burgers, much like Imperial Britain, have seen better days. Blame a shared case of pissing off locals due to the use beef byproducts, or just chalk it up to losing its influence thanks to two major Burger Wars, but the general consensus these days is that when it comes to hamburgers, McDonald’s offerings have regressed into a shadow of what they once tasted like and stood for.

Still, like the Falklands conflict or a really cool imported British TV comedy, McDonald’s is able to surprise us when it comes to hamburgers in some of the most unlikely of places.

McDonald’s Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger top

I truly believe the new, dollar menu priced Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger is one of those surprises.

I have to say, it’s about time the dollar menu got a new friend. Ever since a relaunch a few years ago which took the four-piece McNuggets off the menu, I’ve been begrudgingly awaiting the day when the McDouble or McChicken would get bumped up to a 1.29 price tag. Fortunately that hasn’t happened, and if McDonald’s latest addition to the menu proves anything, it’s that they can still be innovative with their burger concepts at cheap skate price points.

McDonald’s Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger Onions

Nobody in their right mind would claim a single McDonald’s kids burger patty is substantial, but somehow, someway, the Grilled Onion Cheddar feels more substantial than a standard cheeseburger. For you military types, consider the cheese and grilled onion mixture your classic force multiplier, if you will. The sweet onions have a slightly crisp texture and deep flavor, as if slowly caramelized in clarified butter of a flattop grill. Taken together with the patty, slightly squishy-sweet bun, and slice of milky, but processed, only-minimally-melted, yet still delectable, pasteurized cheese product, the onions somehow manage to make the burger.

McDonald’s Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger Half

The flavor is not so much in each bite but in each chew, with the – why yes, dare I say ‘meaty’ taste – coalescing into a sweet and chewy mesh of burger matter during the opening salvos of mechanical digestion. I consider the entire experience to be a triumph of McDonald’s burger innovation that we never saw coming. It is, to build on our analogy, the equivalent of the British victory in the Falklands Conflict packaged in one dollar hamburger form.

Like the British military operations carried out in that remote corner of the world in 1982, there are minor flaws to the burger’s strategy. I consider these mostly operational, and something that comes with any fast food hamburger.

Aside from unmelted cheese, McDonald’s only misstep here was choosing not to import the McDouble’s proven and curiously addictive combination of pickles, mustard, and ketchup to the chain’s latest value creation. Forget that the pickles could add major umami impact, but a bit of pungency from the mustard and the additional acidic sweetness of the ketchup would create a truly complete flavor combination that might just go unrivaled at the one dollar price point. How do I know? I added both, of course – on the third one of these I had in as many days.

Look, I get it. I realize it’s still a value sized burger – barely big enough as a snack for some people – and I realize it’s going to have the inherent fast food hamburger flaws. The game has changed though, and for a value burger in today’s market, McDonald’s Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger packs a flavorful punch that Wendy’s and Burger King just can’t match at the one dollar price point.

It might not be Admiral Lord Nelson smashing the French and Spanish fleets at Trafalgar, but in an ever-changing geoburger landscape, the McDonald’s Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger proves that Ray Kroc’s sun is still far from set.

(Nutrition Facts – 310 calories, 220 calories from fat, 13 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 660 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 15 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Grilled Onion Cheddar Burger
Purchased Price: $1.00
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Force multiplying effect of sweet onion mixture add meaty flavors and big taste. Cheese tastes better than the usual insipid yellow stuff. Classic McDonald’s squishy bun. Using my history degree. Might be the best $1 hamburger on the mainstream fast food market.
Cons: Small sized patty. Not the beefiest flavor. Begging for pickles and mustard. Cheese needs to be more melted. The absurdity of comparing a value hamburger to geopolitical entities.

REVIEW: YoCrunch Vanilla Nonfat Yogurt with Mott’s Strawberry Applesauce

YoCrunch Vanilla Nonfat Yogurt with Mott's Strawberry Applesauce

(Margaret stands alone, staring up at the dairy aisle. Her mom patters behind her, shopping for holiday groceries. Mom spots the yogurt product standing before her daughter, stops, leans in, and whispers)

MOM: “You sure you wanna do that?”

MARGARET: “No…but I will.”

And with that, I grabbed the box of four compartmentalized containers of congealed dairy product, swiped through the self-checkout, snapped into my car, and shot into the mid-day sky like Bruce Willis on a day when he feels he’s going to Die Hard, faced with nothing but the great destiny that lay ahead. A destiny shrouded in mystery, nuance and…applesauce.

(Cue a rapidly conducted orchestra of violins suited for an action film à la Hans Zimmer)

Applesauce.

Yogurt.

Two ingredients, both alike in dignity, and, despite the mind-boggling, candy-coated, granola-filled, extra-fruitinated conundrum that is the yogurt aisle these days, it was with this dignity in mind that I pursued this new thrust into the foray of yogurt varietals.

I noticed that the size of the cups was four ounces, which is but a wee little lass in comparison with the six-ounce containers I’m accustomed to. In fact, I almost didn’t go for it, but then I realized: dad-gum, it’s cute, and, like the big eyes of a beagle puppy, I could not resist. Could. Not. Resist.

YoCrunch Vanilla Nonfat Yogurt with Mott's Strawberry Applesauce Begging to be Opened

I like vanilla yogurt. I have a secret affair with sugar cookies. I yearn for strawberries in January as Marcia Brady yearned for Davy Jones. Indeed, with so many qualities going for it, things were on the upside for this yogurt cup as I peeled back the aluminum covering to reveal…

Taupe.

A controversial color, indeed. It is the color of hotel lobbies and stale hospital waiting rooms. However, it is also the color of winter scarves and hamburger buns and those crummy kindergarten clay animal sculptures I tried to make (Was it a hippo? Was it a giraffe? We’ll never know…). This said, perhaps, taupe is a color of potential.

YoCrunch Vanilla Nonfat Yogurt with Mott's Strawberry Applesauce is taupe

There it is, in all its taupe-like potential.

That kinda darker taupe swirl is the applesauce and, indeed, this tastes of applesauce. The applesauce itself had a little bit of a citrus somethin’ somethin’ with a hint of strawberry at the end, which is a nice little zing-pow-zam for you comic-book-sound-effects lovers. The texture of the applesauce blends well with the yogurt, maintaining a smooth consistency, although the vanilla, the sensitive flavor it is, seems to be lost in the midst of the apple.

Now, on to the cookies.

I’ll give it to you, YoCrunch: you give me lots of toppings. Over the years, you’ve nourished me with a scandalous mélange of edible “garnishes.” Like Oreos. And Reeses Pieces. And Oreos (wait…did I already say that?). And now, ye bringeth me these crumbly bits of a sugar cookie, which are good. Super good. Like makes-me-want-to-dance-the-whatoosie good (a miraculous and terrifying sight, indeed…). It would be great if you went into the cereal business and made this into a cereal. Could you do that for me, YoCrunch?

YoCrunch Vanilla Nonfat Yogurt with Mott's Strawberry Applesauce Cookies make life better

My love for these cookies was quashed by my own hand as I made the terrible mistake of stirring the cookies into the yogurt, resulting in a gloppy mess that tasted vaguely of cabinet shavings coated in strained milk product. Be warned, fellow eaters: do not mix your cookies in yogurt!

If you have a little pocket in your heart for the humble applesauce and desire to treat your cookies with respect (and I know you do), I recommend you pursue your yogurt cup using my newly developed 3-Step Cookie Pouring Technique (patent pending):

Step 1: After opening yogurt and stirring applesauce around, pour half the cookies on top.

Step 2: Without mixing the cookies, eat first half of the container.

Step 3: Now, pour the rest of the cookies on top of the bottom half of the yogurt and scoop-and-crunch away.

This will ensure you both cookie enjoyment and a non-mushy crunch with every vitamin-A-and-D-filled bite you take.

Despite their drab color and small size, these little cups offer a great deal to the world of apple yogurt. Indeed, they are the closest dairy product I’ve found to emulate an apple crumble in a factory-sealed plastic cup, and their size makes them easy to take anywhere, granting you the official right to enjoy one of these suckers whenever you like. It’s not quite dessert and not quite filling enough for a snack either, which makes it just right for any freakin’ time you want some smooth apple yogurt and cookies. A true embodiment of the philosophy that great things need not come in large packages.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup (with cookie topping) – 110 calories, 40 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, Less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 16 grams of sugars, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: YoCrunch Vanilla Nonfat Yogurt with Mott’s Strawberry Applesauce
Purchased Price: $2.58
Size: 1 box/4cups
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Smooth texture. Delicious cookie crumbles. Vitamins A and D. Good ratio of applesauce to yogurt. A little strawberry zing. Comic book sound effects. Dancing the whatoosie. Kindergarten clay sculptures.
Cons: Small size. Vanilla flavor seems absent. Food that taste like soggy cabinet shavings. Taupe. Hospital waiting rooms. Too many Die Hard films.

REVIEW: Sabritas Doritos Dinamita Chipotle Crema Rolled Tortilla Chips

Doritos Dinamita Chipotle Crema Rolled Tortilla Chips Bag

When I first heard about Dinamita Doritos, I was immediately curious. I was easily able to locate the two original flavors – Chile Limon and Nacho Picoso. However, I later learned about another flavor, Chipotle Crema, which I found even more intriguing than the other two. But the flavor was proving to be quite elusive.

I was starting to wonder if they even existed. Ghost Doritos.

When I finally found them, I was excited. Happy snack dance excited. It doesn’t take someone fluent in Spanish to know that “Chipotle Crema” translates into “Chipotle Cream”, which sounded like an odd flavor for a tortilla chip. Cream-flavored chips, combined with chipotle, one of my favorite but oft-misused flavors? Sounds like a recipe for disaster, and those are generally my favorite recipes.

Perhaps I was blinded by my excitement in finding these chips, because I didn’t notice until I got home that these are not just tortilla chips. These are rolled tortilla chips.

Oh, I get it! Dinamita! Dynamite! Spicy, red, tubular chips! If only my eyeballs had moved two inches below the logo. It all makes sense, now.

Sabritas/Frito-Lay/Doritos could have gotten away with just throwing some regular chile images in there with the dinamita-shaped chips exploding off the package, but they went with authentico-looking chipotle peppers, which are smoke-dried jalapeños. Hence the wrinkled look. Points for “graphics exploding off the package” accuracy.

In case you’re confused about all the different product names, Sabritas is a Mexican snack-food company owned by Frito-Lay. As such, they market some of their products under both the Sabritas brand and other popular Frito-Lay brands like Doritos and Ruffles.

Since I live close to the border, I have the pleasure of seeing Sabritas snacks almost everywhere. The fun part is that almost all Sabritas packaging has both Spanish and English on it, which makes it like a tiny lesson in a foreign language. This is much more fun than taking Spanish in high school, because there are no tests, the translation is right there, and I learn much more useful phrases than “pasar la aspiradora”. That means “to pass the vacuum”, in case you were curious.

Doritos Dinamita Chipotle Crema Rolled Tortilla Chips Bag Back Top

I now know the Spanish words for “dynamite”, “explode” and “boom”, which will surely come in much more handy than vacuum passing. Especially in airports.

Doritos Dinamita Chipotle Crema Rolled Tortilla Chips Bag Back Bottom

Highlighting my observational skills, if I’d read the back of the bag I would have known right off the bat that this is these are not chipotle cream chips. These are chipotle cream cheese chips. Dinamita Doritos just got 100 percent more appealing. While I was willing to take one for the team and eat cream-flavored chips, I now want to go out and buy a block of cream cheese and a can of chipotle peppers, mix them together, and dip tortilla chips into it.

Luckily, I have these chips that claim to taste like that right here!

You might think cream cheese-flavored chips would taste about as awful as cream-flavored chips, but it definitely works in these Dinamita Doritos. While the chipotle built up a nice heat, the cream cheese still managed to shine through, and they compliment each other nicely.

While I could taste the pepper behind the heat, there was an unfortunate lack of smokiness in the chipotle flavoring, which is part of what gives the peppers a distinctive and delicious taste.

Doritos Dinamita Chipotle Crema Rolled Tortilla Chips

These being rolled tortilla chips, they were crunchier and a little bit harder than regular Doritos. I liked the shape; maybe it’s just me and my dainty ladymouth, but the size and triangular shape of regular tortilla chips is just big enough to make cramming a whole chip in my maw awkward. These rolled chips were easy to shove in my mouth.

While the small surface area would not work well with a dip like salsa, the added sturdiness would be perfect to scoop up, say, a dip made of cream cheese and chipotle peppers. That would be so meta.

Here are a few other uses I thought up for Dinamita Doritos:

1. Makeshift blowdart gun to use on your roommate who always steals your chips

2. Straw for sucking up salsa con queso

3. Vessel for snorting something totally legal because I would never condone doing drugs (but at least you won’t notice the chipotle burning your nostrils, since the totally legal drugs will already do that)

4. Breathing tubes if you’re getting your head cast in silicone (will burn your nostrils unless you already snorted something completely legal beforehand)

I found Doritos Dinamita Chipotle Crema Rolled Tortilla Chips to be quite the enjoyable snack. The actual cream cheese flavoring was unique and played well with the heat without being overwhelmed, but I did miss the smokiness of real chipotle peppers. I also really liked the size and texture of the chips. Plus, they’re multitaskers!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce/15 pieces – 150 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of total fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugars, 2 grams of protein, and 2% vitamin A.)

Other Doritos Dinamita Chipotle Crema reviews:
Junk Food Guy
Chip Review
Original Borris (YouTube)

Item: Sabritas Doritos Dinamita Chipotle Crema Rolled Tortilla Chips
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 9 3/4 ounces
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Noticeable and enjoyable cream cheese flavor. Impromptu Spanish lesson. Builds up to a nice heat. Meta dip. Good size and texture. Multitasking snacks.
Cons: Missing chipotle smokiness. Ghost Doritos. Not fit for all dips. Getting tackled by TSA for trying out new Spanish words.

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