REVIEW: Harajuku Lovers Fragrance G

I hate change.

Yes, I know change can be a good thing, but I hate when the things I grew up with morph into something so unrecognizable that I have to question whether or not I’m in an alternate universe where Taylor Swift is regarded as talented.

Gwen Stefani is on that list. She was a source of inspiration for myself and many girls of my generation who were too young to remember Joan Jett, but still wanted to rock out with their non-cock out. Now, she’s the source of me questioning, “What the fuck?” Sure, she has popped out a couple of kids and no longer does pushups on stage, but she has gotten stranger and stranger over the years. Compared to Lady Gaga, Gwen is a mild mannered soccer mom, but her odd obsession with Japan and Harajuku Girls is just too hard to not question whether this chick is playing with a full deck.

Her obsession started five years ago when she accessorized with four Japanese girls, claiming they were her “backup singers,” but I’m sure they aren’t even allowed to say a peep when Gwen is in earshot. Her second fashion line (Remember when celebrities had one fashion line and that was cutting edge), Harajuku Lovers makes anything by Sanrio seem like it’s appropriate for Hells Angels to wear when they go road tripping.

Harajuku Lovers Fragrance G is no different. Basically, the bottle isn’t a bottle at all, but rather a massive cap that looks like a cartoon version of Ms. Stefani. G is her signature scent, but there’s also Love, Lil’ Angel, Music and Baby to represent her “backup singers.”

Despite the child-like packaging, the perfume has a wonderful scent of coconut, jasmine and some sandalwood. I will admit to looking at the notes for this fragrance on Sephora’s website, but I could identify a coconutty smell right off the bat. Coconut perfumes can be a gamble, because if there’s too much fruit going on, you might smell like a stripper, but G doesn’t do that. Some fragrances fade away after a few hours of wear, but G has some stamina and I can still smell it after a long day.

When I purchased it, it came with a compact of solid perfume, so for the price it’s pretty good, but the bottle is pretty pathetic. I know you’re not supposed to bathe in perfume like your great aunt does, but having only one ounce won’t last you very long if you use it as your daily scent.

To sum it up, Ms. Stefani is making you pay for packaging. Extremely cute weird packaging that would only appeal to little girls, or twenty-something professionals who still decorate their work binders with Lisa Frank stickers. But if you look beyond the bottle and how strange Gwen has gotten over the years, then you have a wonderful perfume that would smell good on anyone — including strippers.

Item: Harajuku Lovers Fragrance G
Price: $50.00 (with solid perfume)
Size: 1 ounce
Purchased at: Macy’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Long lasting scent. Coconut isn’t too overpowering. Rocking out with your non-cock out. Gwen Stefani circa 1996. Lisa Frank being cool when you were six. Hells Angels wearing Hello Kitty leather jackets. Strippers that smell like sweet coconut.
Cons: Packaging is way too gimmicky. Small quantity for the price. Gwen Stefani post-No Doubt. Thinking Lisa Frank is still cool past the age of six. Price isn’t budget friendly. Strippers that smell like Marlboros and cheap whiskey.

REVIEW: Pringles Family Faves (Cheddar BBQ, White Cheddar Pop, Taco Night)

Pringles’ new line of potato crisps, Family Faves, are more family friendly than family favorites, because the line is made up of extremely safe flavors — Cheddar BBQ, White Cheddar Pop and Taco Night.

Nothing weird. Nothing exotic. Nothing crazy. Nothing a wee bit fucked up. They’re so safe, I’m surprised each can of Pringles Family Faves doesn’t come with a Trojan Magnum XL condom wrapped around it.

If I sound disappointed, I am, because I want Pringles flavors that blow my mind, like I’m reading through an issue of Mental Floss. They shouldn’t be hard to produce since they already make mind-blowing flavors in other countries, like Grilled Shrimp Pringles, Wasabi Pringles, Sausage Pringles, Grilled Shrimp and Pepper Pringles, Prawn Cocktail Pringles, Seaweed Pringles, Soft Shell Crab Pringles, Balsamic Vinegar Pringles, Bacon Caesar Salad Pringles, Spanish Salsa Pizza Pringles and Cream Cheese Pringles. Seriously, whose Pringles can do I have to stroke in order to get American Pringles factories to pump out flavors as unique as these?

Until then, or until I have enough disposable income to pay six dollars plus ten dollars shipping to purchase a foreign flavor of Pringles off of eBay, I’m going to have to settle for whatever lame ideas Pringles in America come up with to help me be the best couch potato I can be.

If I had to choose a fave between all the Pringles Family Faves, I’d pick the Cheddar BBQ. It smells like barbecue Lays potato chips, but its flavor is a bit different. There’s a tanginess with a little bite. The cheddar flavor is definitely noticeable, and when combined with the tanginess of the BBQ flavor, they make a decent Pringles.

As for the other two, the Taco Night version tastes like someone dumped a packet of taco seasoning in a can of Pringles, shook the can and then yelled “TA DA!” I thought the taco flavoring was a little too strong, making it not as once-you-pop-you-can’t-stoppable as most Pringles flavors. While the Taco Night flavor may be a bit too strong, the flavor of the White Cheddar Pop was a bit too light. At times the white cheddar flavor was so light, it was like I was eating regular Pringles. Despite its name, the White Cheddar Pop flavor didn’t taste like actual popcorn.

Although, if it did, that probably would’ve blown my mind.

(Nutrition Facts- 1 ounce/16 crisps – Cheddar BBQ – 150 calories, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 180 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates and 1 gram of protein. White Cheddar Pop – 150 calories, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 140 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates and 1 gram of protein. Taco Night – 150 calories, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 210 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Pringles Family Faves (Cheddar BBQ, White Cheddar Pop, Taco Night)
Price: $1.49 each
Size: 6.38 ounces
Purchased at: Longs Drugs
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Cheddar BBQ)
Rating: 4 out of 10 (White Cheddar Pop)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Taco Night)
Pros: Comes in Super Stack cans. Cheddar BBQ was tasty. No trans fats. Nutrition facts and ingredients list are also in Spanish. Foreign Pringles flavors. Mental Floss.
Cons: Flavor choices aren’t exciting. Flavor of the Taco Night was a bit too strong. Flavor of the White Cheddar Pop was a bit too strong. The families that chose these faves. Having to stroke someone’s Pringles can in order to get stuff done.

REVIEW: Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort Body and Face Wash

Dear James Cameron,

I’ve never seen your billion dollar blockbuster Titanic. You can blame Celine Dion for that. But I recently paid over fifteen dollars to watch your latest billion dollar blockbuster Avatar in 3D, so it seems you finally got your money from me that you should’ve gotten with Titanic. Even though I gave up the possibility of eating three Subway footlong sandwiches to watch your movie, I would like to thank you for creating Avatar.

I’m not thanking you because I think Avatar is the greatest movie ever, nor am I thanking you for giving me a strong geek hard-on that I haven’t had since my lightsaber rose with excitement before seeing The Phantom Menace. I’m thanking you because I can now use your movie to help me describe the new Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort Body and Face Wash.

If Avatar didn’t exist, I would’ve used the Smurfs or the Blue Man Group.

Now you might be thinking about how I can connect your movie with the Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort Body and Face Wash. Let me teach you, white-haired one, like how you taught me that I should pee before seeing any three-hour long movie.

The Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort Body and Face Wash comes in blue color that looks like it could be a Na’vi body fluid. I’m not sure which one, but I guess we may find out in the extra scenes of the Avatar DVD or if the porn industry ever makes an erotic parody of your movie, which will probably either be called Assatar or Analtar. Whichever comes out first, I just hope it’s in high-definition 3D.

The body wash didn’t have a strong scent and it dissipated quickly after I finished my shower, but it’s a pleasant scent that I thought was kind of woodsy. Actually, if you created a way for the audience to smell a movie during your crazy attempt the recreate how films are made, I might be able to say it smells like the Na’vi Hometree. But you didn’t, you underachiever.

Much like how I was stunned by how hot Sigorney Weaver’s avatar looked, I was surprised the product is a combination of body and face wash. Usually, I’ve seen products that combine a body wash with a shampoo, which is probably something more useful to you since you’ve got that mop on your head. I’m not sure what makes it so special that it can also be labeled a face wash. It could be the “micromoisture” technology, but technically any soap can be a face wash.

If you decide that you want to wash yourself with a body wash that looks like a Na’vi body fluid, the Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort Body and Face Wash is probably your best choice. It smells good, rinses off easily and you might be able to use it as a prop in the Avatar sequel.

Thanks again for making Avatar!

Sincerely,

Marvo

Item: Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort Body and Face Wash
Price: $4.49
Size: 13.5 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Pleasant woodsy scent. Not a strong scent, so you don’t reek of Na’vi body fluid. Rinses off easily. It’s a combination body and face wash. Sigorney Weaver’s avatar.
Cons: Looks like a Na’vi body fluid. Slightly pricey. Scent doesn’t last very long. Having to hold in your pee until the end of the movie. The eventual porn parody of Avatar. Celine Dion.

NEWS: Latest Slurpee Flavor Tries To Cool Gamers But It’s Kind of A N00b

The latest flavor of Slurpee, the God of War Kratos Fury Blackberry Lime, seems like it’s trying to give brain freeze to gamers. If you’re not familiar with the God of War video game franchise, you can learn about its background by watching the eventual shitty movie adaptation of it, which you could add to your Netflix queue, if all of your choices have a long wait and you don’t want to watch Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

For a Slurpee that’s meant for gamers, it’s disappointing to find out it has no caffeine in it. I don’t think a caffeine-free Slurpee promoting a video game, would appeal to gamers because without sweet, sweet caffeine they won’t be able to stay up until the same time most people wake up. Heck, I bet this God of War Slurpee doesn’t even appeal to a God of War because it lacks blood and violence.

REVIEW: Honey Bunches of Oats with Pecan Bunches

Despite the fact that the corn flakes in any Honey Bunches of Oats cereal gets soggy faster than the armpits of the shirt I wear when I go running, I enjoy most of the varieties of Honey Bunches of Oats.

I guess the crunch from the oats make up for the limp flakes or maybe I’m just tired of women passing by me in the grocery store and giving me the you-must-be-a-virgin-look when they see boxes of Froot Loops and Count Chocula in my cart.

While I still like to buy cereals usually loved by eight-year-olds, I’m grateful for Honey Bunches of Oats because it helped me transition over to healthier cereals, like Raisin Bran and whatever wholesomeness Kashi pumps out to get their 7 Whole Grains into our bodies.

Honey Bunches of Oats with Pecan Bunches is the latest in a long line of Honey Bunches of Oats cereals. With so many varieties, I guess you can say there’s a bunch of Honey Bunches of Oats. And if you were hanging out with 1980s superduo, Hall & Oates, because you find Oates’ mustache mesmerizing, I guess you could say there’s a bunch of Honey Bunches of Oats, John Oates.

Honey Bunches of Oats with Pecan Bunches is by far not horrible tasting, but it doesn’t taste any different than regular Honey Roasted Honey Bunches of Oats. If you were to blindfold me with a Members Only jacket you stole from John Oates, or blindfold me with his huge mustache, and had me eat from a bowl of regular Honey Bunches of Oats and the Pecan Bunches version, I probably wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. The pecan flavor is almost non-existent, so I’m wondering if Post actually tried the cereal.

If you’re trying to accomplish a gastronomical equivalent of barhopping by trying to eat every single variety of Honey Bunches of Oats, you should go ahead and eat a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats with Pecan Bunches. But if you love pecan, like I love the feel of melted wax on my skin, you will disappointed.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cups without milk – 110 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 60 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 17 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Honey Bunches of Oats with Pecan Bunches
Price: $5.39
Size: 14.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Not horrible tasting. A bunch of vitamins and minerals. Melted wax on my skin. John Oates’ mustache. Combing John Oates’ mustache. Being the comb that combs John Oates’ mustache.
Cons: Pecan bunches don’t have much flavor. Tastes just like regular Honey Roasted Honey Bunches of Oats. Flakes get soggy really fast. The pitiful amount of honey in it would piss Winnie the Pooh off.