Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez

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I want to go on record saying that the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste is the most Fergalicious-tasting toothpaste EVER.

The Colgate Dora the Explorer Toothpaste has a good fruit flavor and the Kid’s Aquafresh and the Crest Wild Expressions have nice bubblegum flavors, but all of them pale in comparison to the flavor of the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste.

I swear it tasted like candy! If it were a candy, its tart green apple taste would be all right, but since it’s a toothpaste its taste rocks.

It felt like it was made up of nothing but sugar, because it was kind of grainy like some of the whitening toothpastes out there, but I don’t think the graininess did a good job of cleaning my teeth. There was also no foaming action with it, which was surprising.

Its great taste has made me want to brush my teeth more than once a day. If they made a floss that tasted like this, I would definitely be flossing more than the once a year I already do now. If they made a mouthwash that tasted this good, I would be drinking it down hardcore like I was a freshman at a fraternity party.

Although I will admit, it maybe a great tasting toothpaste, but it definitely is the worst cavity preventing toothpaste EVER. Actually, I don’t really think it did any cavity prevention at all. As a matter of fact, I think it did the opposite and I expect my teeth to fall out soon.

But now that I think about it, that would explain why the word “squeez” in its name is missing an “e” at the end of it. I believe the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste used itself to brush itself, which caused the “e” to either fall out or rot away.

Actually, now that I think about it even more, the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste might be helping me prevent cavities by giving me cavities, because if all my teeth rot away, I can’t get cavities on them ever. Plus, if I don’t have teeth, I don’t have to floss. Bonus! It seems like the ultimate cavity protection.

This toothpaste totally blows my mind, even though I found it in the candy section of the convenience store.

Unfortunately, it only comes in a small 1.5-ounce travel size tube, which is small enough to take on a plane without it being confiscated by the TSA, but not big enough for the huge teeth of both actress Julia Roberts and motivational speaker Tony Robbins.

I also wish the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste would do a good job of freshening my breath, which would totally make up for the future loss of my teeth. Seriously, how am I going to attract the ladies if I don’t have fresh breath? I don’t have looks, personality, or two eyebrows to make up for it. Sure I could find a woman who is blind, deaf, and lacks the sense of smell, but there aren’t many of them around.

Oh cruel world, where is thy Helen Keller to fill thy empty heart?

The bottom line is that the Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez toothpaste would probably make a decent candy, but kind of sucks as a toothpaste.

Item: Wonka Green Apple Sweettarts Squeez
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: It’s Fergalicious-tasting. It tastes like candy. Not too tart. Tube size is perfect for travel.
Cons: Its lack of cavity prevention is a dentist’s nightmare…or dream. Doesn’t freshen breath. No foaming toothpaste action. Grainy texture doesn’t seem to clean teeth. Tube size not big enough for people with big teeth. Found in candy aisle.

REVIEW: Wrigley’s Doublemint Kona Creme Gum

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Coffee.

For many it’s a morning elixir or a liquid alarm clock, if you will.

I’m not a coffee connoisseur for several reason: I hate waiting in long lines at Starbucks and I hear hot coffee farts aren’t pleasant at all.

A co-worker once asked me, how I can be so cheery and perky in the morning since I don’t drink coffee. I told her that I’m high on life and look forward to every morning because it’s the beginning of a brand new day, full of experiences, wonder, delight, and sunshine.

After telling her this, she told me she hated me and then with a glimmer of animosity in her eyes, she took the lid off of her six dollar Starbucks espresso, had thoughts about throwing the scalding hot liquid at my face, but soon came to her senses, not because the hot coffee would burn me, but because she would be wasting a six dollar Starbucks espresso and would have to wait in a long line to get another.

Of course, what I told her wasn’t the truth, but I couldn’t tell her what really got me going every morning, which was either crack cocaine or lines of regular cocaine off of a passed out stripper’s ass.

I may not be a coffee drinker, but I seem to like coffee-flavored products, like ice cream and candy. I enjoy these products because they tend to be just like the way I like my women, artificially colored and flavored. Recently, I got to try the Wrigley’s Doublemint Kona Creme coffee flavored gum, which finally appeared on the shelves here after being announced earlier this year.

You would think that having the town of Kona on one of these rocks in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, would pretty much guarantee the Kona Creme gum being on store shelves here when it was introduced, but unfortunately that wasn’t the case.

For those who don’t know, Kona coffee is considered to be one of the premium coffees in the world and it comes from a little town called Kona, which is a tourist destination, much like Oahu’s Waikiki or Maui’s Lahaina, except significantly smaller and without any transvestite prostitutes.

Speaking of transvestite prostitutes, this Wrigley’s Doublemint Kona Creme gum is very much like one, because at first it was pretty good, but then after a little more chewing and digging it became something I didn’t expect…nor want…nor pay extra for.

When I first put it in my mouth it had a very good coffee flavor, which tasted much like other Kona coffee products I’ve tried. However, about a minute later that flavor turned into something I didn’t want to savor. It turned bad like it was Darth Vader and now I’m a Kona Creme gum hater and don’t really trust its creator.

Um, I’m not too sure why those last two sentences ended up rhyming.

But it might’ve been the cocaine.

Item: Wrigley’s Doublemint Kona Creme Gum
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Good coffee flavor while it lasted. Doing lines of coke off of a passed out stripper’s ass. Being high on life and looking forward to every morning because it’s the beginning of a brand new day, full of experiences, wonder, delight, and sunshine.
Cons: Flavor doesn’t last very long. When the flavor runs out, it tastes pretty bad. No caffeine. Transvestite prostitutes, unless you’re into them. Coffee farts. Long lines at Starbucks for expensive coffee. Won’t freshen breath.

The Shopping Cart #5

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(Editor’s Note: Thanks to all the readers who participated in yesterday’s Vote To Torture Me Election. The results were very surprising and in a landslide vote, you readers chose to save my ears and save my soul. So I won’t be reviewing K-Fed’s attempt to take over Vanilla Ice’s reign as the biggest rap poser/wannabe ever. Thank you.)

The Shopping Cart takes a quick look at things that I’ve bought, but am too lazy to write a full review for.

What I’m Eating That Possibly Tastes Like The Rotting Crushed Corpses of Gingerbread Men


At the slow rate of deliciousness these Lucerne Limited Edition Yogurts are going, I believe in 2010, they will be so delicious that little old ladies will either steal them from your shopping cart, violently fart in the yogurt section to prevent you from getting close to it, or assault you with their walkers at Safeway for them.

But right now they suck.

The other week I tried the Lucerne Limited Edition Chai Latte Light Yogurt and it made me gag hard. Although not as much as I did watching the video of Anna Nicole Smith giving birth via C-section on YouTube (Warning NSFW and NSFTWHMGW*).

This week I tried the Lucerne Limited Edition Gingerbread Light Yogurt, which had a slightly better spicy taste than the Chai Latte version…very slightly. It tasted somewhat similar to the Chai Latte version, but this time it didn’t make me do any pubic-hair-stuck-in-my-throat gagging.

It was decent enough for me to be able to finish an entire cup of it, which I couldn’t even come close to doing with the previous limited edition flavor. But I would not eat another one unless someone forced me to choose between eating another Lucerne Limited Edition Gingerbread Light Yogurt or watching the Anna Nicole Smith C-section video.

*Not Safe For Those Who Hate Money Grubbing Whores

Happy Election Day: Vote to Torture Me

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With it being Election Day here in the United States, I thought it would be awesometastic if I gave you readers the opportunity to vote for something here at the Impulsive Buy. I thought about doing a product election, which would’ve allowed you readers to vote for what I review next among a selection of five or six products.

Instead, I decided to do something a little bit more interesting.

Last week, Britney Spears’ favorite “hardcore rapper”/husband/baby batter provider Kevin Federline released his not-at-all-anticipated “rap album,” Playing With Fire. Now I would hate to contribute to the Kevin Federline Needs A Razor To Shave So He Doesn’t Look Like A Punkass Fund, but sometimes sacrifices need to be made in the name quasi-product reviews.

So what you’ll be voting for this Election Day is to determine whether or not you’re going to make me suffer by making me purchase and listen to Kevin Federline’s Playing With Fire. I’m pretty sure me listening to his “rap album” is going to end up winning in a landslide vote, but I’m curious to know how many of you want me to be miserable.

Now here are the voting procedures:

If you would like me to review K-Fed’s “rap album,” just leave a comment with this post with the word “Popozao” and whatever else you would like to say.

If you have compassion and don’t want me to review Playing With Fire, just leave a comment with this post with the sentence, “When Webster’s decides to add the word ‘wigger’ to its dictionary, they will put a picture of Kevin Federline next to its definition” or whatever you want to say to prevent me from reviewing it.

Voting will start immediately and will end at 12:00 a.m. (Hawaii Standard Time) on Wednesday, November 8th.

Now go vote, because I know you want me to squirm.

I’m Marvo and I approve this message.

REVIEW: Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea

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Who knew pyramids were the perfect vessels for dried up, shriveled things, like the mummies of Egyptian pharaohs, Betty White’s game show career as a regular guest on $25,000 Pyramid, and the tea in the new Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Teas.

According to the Lipton website, the pyramid shape of the mesh bag allows it to have enough room for the hot water to infuse with the tea, better extracting its rich color and flavor, which sort of takes a page from the thermodynamics of underwear, “Restriction of air flow creates a funky smell you know.”

The instructions for the Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea bags are as simple as any other bagged teas. Just pour hot water over it and steep for about three minutes.

You know what? I don’t think I like the word “steep” in this context, since the word could also have a totally different meaning like, “There’s a steep cliff there where we can dump the body.” I think I’ll create another term for this action.

Hmm…let me think.

Bag brewing? Nah.

Tea dipping? Nah.

Oh, I got it. Let’s call it teabagging.

I don’t know about you, but to me, teabagging is quite therapeutic. There’s something kind of nice about dipping my tea bag into the mouth of a mug. The warm steam coming up from the mug’s mouth, I think, would feel pretty good on my tea bag.

There are also several ways of teabagging. I could dip my tea bag in and out of the mouth of a mug or I could just leave it in the mug’s mouth until my tea bag is ready to come out. Both ways are equally satisfying. I also enjoy watching drops of liquid fall off the end of my tea bag and back into the mug’s mouth.

Anyway, the Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea is made from premium orange pekoe and pekoe cut black tea. Despite its name, the orange pekoe does not give the tea an orange flavor. It’s sort of like how Kevin Federline calling himself a rap artist doesn’t make him a rap artist, since no one else calls him one.

The Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea has a nice black tea flavor, which isn’t very bitter like regular Lipton tea, but it’s kind of plain and boring like all Tim Allen movies and probably could’ve used a little fruit infusion much like the other flavors in the Lipton Pyramid Tea line have. It also does make a nice refreshing iced tea when some ice cubes and sugar are added.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some serious teabagging to do.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to long time Impulsive Buy reader Muneer for letting me know about the Lipton Pyramid Teas.)

Item: Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea
Price: $5.69
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tasty tea. 140 milligrams of antioxidants. 20 pyramid bags per box. Makes a good iced tea. Teabagging. Betty White in Golden Girls.
Cons: Kind of plain, could’ve used a little fruit infusion. Extremely pricey here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I know it’s a given, but I have to put Kevin Federline and Tim Allen movies here.

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