REVIEW: Quaker Life Strawberry Crunchtime Multigrain Cereal

Quaker Life Strawberry Crunchtime Cereal

I’ve been having nightmares ever since I started eating the Quaker Life Strawberry Crunchtime Multigrain Cereal. Just look at the closeup picture below, but don’t stare at it too long or else you’ll be having scary dreams as well.

Maybe I’ve read too many issues of Fangoria Magazine, but I think they look like the deformed faces of evil demonic spirits who want to devour my soul. Yeah, they’re smiling, but that’s because feasting on some of my life force will make them happy.

Oh geez, I gotta turn the box around because they’re freaking me out again!

I really wish Life Crunchtime Cereal came in normal, boring square pieces, much like regular Life Cereal. Or what my imagination thinks Kellogg’s Honey Smacks look like. Or, at least, a shape that doesn’t remind me of Scream‘s Ghostface.

You’d think with the Highlights for Children-like puzzle on the back of its box, Life Crunchtime Cereal is supposed to appeal to children, but it’s really more of a cereal being marketed to moms who are worried about their children eating too much sugar and not enough fiber. I don’t know of any children who would get excited about the “30% less sugar than the leading kids’ cereals” printed on the front of the box, but I know of moms who would.

What are these leading kids’ cereals? If you happen to be the in cereal aisle with one of those sugar-fearing moms, the leading kids cereals are probably the ones her child brings to her and instantly rejects with a loud “No! Put that back!” These cereal might include Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes, which has 11 grams of sugar per 3/4 cup serving; General Mills’ Honey Nut Cheerios, which has 9 grams, and Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries, which has 11 grams of sugar.

Quaker Life Strawberry Crunchtime Cereal Closeup

Speaking of Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries, that’s what Life Strawberry Crunchtime smelled like. However, I shouldn’t be surprised by this since Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries is also made by Quaker. Its flavor, however, was significantly less Crunch Berry-like. It initially tasted like nothing, but then several moments later the berry flavor, which didn’t taste like strawberry, lightly stroked my tongue. The strawberry flavor came, but in the form of an artificial strawberry aftertaste that lingered in my mouth for a little while.

For a cereal that has just six grams of sugar per serving, Life Strawberry Crunchtime Cereal is decent. If you’re expecting a Froot Loops- or Trix-level of fruitiness, your expectations will not be met. Just like Froot Loops, Life Strawberry Crunchtime Cereal doesn’t contain any fruit and is made using natural flavor, but unlike Froot Loops, it’s also made with artificial flavor.

Overall, I can’t say I’ll be picking up another box of Life Strawberry Crunchtime Cereal because its flavor doesn’t impress the sugar-addicted kid in me and their shape totally freaks out the easily scared adult in me, but, with its six grams of fiber (23% RDA), six grams of sugar, and vitamin content, I would recommend it to parents looking for a healthier breakfast cereal for their children.

Wait a minute…six grams of fiber, six grams of sugar, and is an excellent source of vitamin B6?

6-6-6!

It is evil!

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup (cereal only) – 110 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 75 milligrams of potassium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 15 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Quaker Life Strawberry Crunchtime Multigrain Cereal
Price: $2.99
Size: 7.7 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good for a cereal that has just six grams of sugar per serving. Provides 100% RDA of folic acid. Six grams of fiber.
Cons: Doesn’t contain real fruit. Puzzle on back of box is kind of difficult if you have morning brain. Cereal shape looks like deformed faces of evil demonic spirits. What my imagination thinks Honey Smacks look like.

REVIEW: Post Limited Edition Chocolate Peanut Butter Pebbles Boulders

Post Limited Edition Chocolate Peanut Butter Pebbles Boulders

The combination of chocolate and peanut butter gets me as excited as a crackhead when he or she sees their dealer, so you may think the Post Limited Edition Chocolate Peanut Butter Pebbles Boulders got me crackhead excited. However, after eating those awful Caramel Apple Pebbles Boulders, I approached this chocolate peanut butter cereal like a crackhead approaches someone who looks like an undercover narc.

As I poured the cereal into a bowl, I tried to ease my mind about it by trying to come up with as many successful chocolate and peanut butter marriages. There’s Peanut Butter Creme Oreo cookies, Ben & Jerry’s Peanut Butter Cup ice cream, and, of course, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Knowing that peanut butter and chocolate has had a long, successful relationship that Kim Kardashian can only dream of helped eased my mind.

What also helped with my trepidation was the fact that Post makes one of the best chocolate cereals on the planet — Cocoa Pebbles.

However, after eating a bowl of Limited Edition Chocolate Peanut Butter Pebbles Boulders, it turns out Post didn’t take what makes Cocoa Pebbles so great and transfer it over to the chocolate-flavored Pebbles Boulders pieces. The only appropriate thing I can say about that blown opportunity is it’s Yabba Dabba Dumb. As for the peanut butter cereal pieces, they had a peanut butter flavor that’s similar to other peanut butter cereals I’ve had in the past and a stronger flavor than the chocolate cereal pieces. Overall, the combination of chocolate and peanut butter in this cereal is good enough to make me forget about the abomination that is Caramel Apple Pebbles Boulders.

Post Limited Edition Chocolate Peanut Butter Pebbles Boulders Closeup

While tasty, there’s something a little unpleasant about the Chocolate Peanut Butter Pebbles Boulders — the thin coating on each piece of cereal. I first thought it was sugar…okay, okay, I first thought it was cocaine, but then when I touched it, it had a waxy and slightly greasy feel to it. I tried licking it to find out what it was…okay, okay, I first tried snorting it to see if it was cocaine and then licked it. Unfortunately, my nose and tongue could not figure out what it was. While slightly off-putting, whatever the coating is, it did a great job of preventing the cereal from getting soggy.

The Post Limited Edition Chocolate Peanut Butter Pebbles Boulders is a good cereal, whether you eat it dry or wet, but it doesn’t compete with the robust flavors of best chocolate/peanut butter cereal on the face of the Earth — Reese’s Puffs. And I will fling peanut butter at anyone who disagrees. I think it would’ve been better if Post combined Cocoa Pebbles with the peanut butter Pebbles Boulders. That’s a cereal I would totally get crackhead excited about.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup (cereal only) – 110 calories, 25 calories from fat, 3 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 90 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 10 grams of other carbohydrates, 3 grams of protein, and a smorgasbord of vitamins and minerals.)

*made using partially hydrogenated oil

Other Chocolate Peanut Butter Pebbles Boulders reviews:
Grub Grade

Item: Post Limited Edition Chocolate Peanut Butter Pebbles Boulders
Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: 9.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good. Much better than Caramel Apple Pebble Boulders. Coating helps prevent the cereal from getting soggy. Labels For Education. Fortified with vitamins and minerals. The combination of chocolate and peanut butter. Color from natural ingredients.
Cons: Not as good as Reese’s Puffs. Weird waxy coating. Doesn’t make me crackhead excited. Chocolate pieces not as chocolatey as I hoped. Made using partially hydrogenated oil. Not knowing who’s a real dealer and who’s a cop.

REVIEW: Special K Multigrain Oats & Honey Cereal

Special K Multigrain Oats & Honey Cereal

I’m going to be honest, this may be the healthiest cereal I’ve ever eaten. As a rule, I eat breakfast cereals developed by dentists who could really use some help but don’t like asking for handouts. The least sugary cereal I’ve eaten in years is Honey Nut Cheerios, which is kind of like bragging that you only smoke two packs of filtered cigarettes a day. Hell, the product I reviewed for my TIB application was Post Marshmallow Pebbles; that cost me three teeth and my eyesight for about an hour, but it was worth it! Now here I am at the opposite end of the spectrum. I can only assume that Special K Multigrain Oats & Honey Cereal will resurrect my hairline, bestow 20/20 vision, and give me muscles in places I haven’t had them since college. Frankly, anything less will be a bigger disappointment than watching the edited-for-TV version of The Breakfast Club. (“Forget you! No dad, what about you?”)

The first thing I notice about Special K Multigrain Oats & Honey Cereal is that the box actually looks like something an adult might eat. There’s nary a spunky cartoon character or anthropomorphic animal to be found, and I’m kind of freaked out that the back of the box just has pictures of the ingredients and a dead-eyed model pretending to eat some while thinking, “It was this or underwear modeling in the Costco circular,” rather than a word search or jumble. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to hone my vocab skills while eating, but I guess that’s the choice you make — healthy or smart. One of the informative blurbs gives a good idea of the target audience by claiming that women who eat a cereal breakfast like this one weigh less, which just does wonders for my masculinity, let me tell you. When I go back to the store for another box, I think I’ll grab some yogurt smoothies and a package of Secret, which I understand to be made for women but strong enough for me.

Special K Multigrain Oats & Honey Cereal Closeup

Pouring some out in a bowl increases my confidence that, if I don’t actually LIKE this cereal, I’ll at least find it tolerable. I’m a little bummed that the flakes aren’t shaped like bats or C3PO faces or some shit, but I guess that wouldn’t do when you’re marketing yourself to people with “jobs” and “401Ks” and “relationships, as long as he keeps his hands off that tramp Jenny from Accounting.” Anyway, if the flakes look bland, they at least don’t appear actively offensive. There are also plenty of oats, and hey, oatmeal’s okay. Nobody ever said “Yippee, oatmeal!” if there wasn’t going to be brown sugar in it, but it’s pretty hard to work up any actual dislike for oats, in meal form or otherwise. The honey isn’t visible to the naked eye, but if it’s not in there, I promise you somebody’s getting a strongly worded letter on Monday.

Actually, for all my hesitance, Special K Multigrain Oats & Honey Cereal really doesn’t taste bad. Anyone who hasn’t been shoveling spoonfuls of cavity bombs into their maw for the last two decades is likely to find it within spitting distance of “good.” The taste is definitely more on the understated side — there’s only so much honey they can add to this stuff and still market it as “healthy” — but it beats dumping a handful of sugar on regular Cheerios, which is what I used to do as a kid (and now) when we’d run out of the good cereals. The honey flavor definitely comes through, as do the oats, and the flakes retain their crunchiness fairly well in milk. I can’t say this is what I’d choose every trip to the store, but as a compromise between teeth-rotting rapture and bland antiques like Wheaties or Shredded Wheat, you could do a lot worse.

(Nutrition Facts — 2/3 cup — 100 calories, 0.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 70 milligrams of potassium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 14 grams of other carbohydrates, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Special K Multigrain Oats & Honey Cereal
Price: $3.69
Size: 13.6 ounces
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Strong enough for a man. Helps me fit into skinny jeans. Feeling like an adult. Does not make my teeth weep. Fairly tasty.
Cons: Putting dentists out of business. No fun shapes. Made testicles shrink. Not improving vocab. Did not restore hair or vision. Edited-for-TV movies.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Special K Low-Fat Granola

It looks like the Kellogg’s Special K lineup of low-calorie, low-fat products needs to go on its own Special K diet, because it’s getting quite large. How big? Let me put it this way. I believe it could get kicked off of a Southwest Airlines flight for being too obese.

I’d love to see Special K go on its own diet, because I want it to feel the misery that thousands of men and women (mostly women) have gone through to lose a few pounds in two weeks by eating the same shit over and over and over again for breakfast and lunch just so that women can fit into their wedding dresses and men can continue to think they look hot in a Speedo, but never did.

Also, while we’re talking about Kellogg’s products doing horrible things, I’d like to see Snap, Crackle and Pop enter an octagon ring and fight to the death while Tony the Tiger is trying to maul them.

Speaking of things getting beaten up, the new Kellogg’s Special K Low-Fat Granola looks like a Nature Valley granola bar after it’s been used to bitchslap someone. It has a touch of honey and claims to have 50 percent less fat than the leading granola and is an excellent source of fiber. Now I’m not going to check their claims because if their granola is made by bitchslapping people with granola bars, I don’t want to be the next person they bitchslap for double checking their facts.

The Special K Granola isn’t bad. It stays crunchy in milk, but it’s also good as a snack without milk. It has a light sweetness, thanks to the high fructose corn syrup, but not so much the honey. I wish they included some nuts or fruits to make it a little more hearty and add a little more flavor. Although, if Special K’s line of cereals is any indication, they’ll probably come out with a smorgasbord, or clusterfuck, if you will, of granola cereals with nuts and fruit in the future.

With the Special K Low-Fat Granola adding a bit more variety to the cereal line, I may try the Special K diet again just to see if I’d get sick of it and to find out if I can look hot in a European-cut Speedo.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup without milk – 190 calories, 3 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 120 milligrams of potassium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Special K Low-Fat Granola
Price: $3.50
Size: 19.5 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: A nice light sweetness. Stays crunchy in milk. Claims to have 50 percent less fat than the leading granola. Contains a whole bunch of vitamins and minerals. One-fifth of your daily recommended intake of fiber. Snap, Crackle and Pop fighting to the death.
Cons: No nuts. No fruits. Contains high fructose corn syrup. Me in a Speedo. Any man in a Speedo. Soooo many Special K products. Being bitchslapped by a granola bar.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight

Chocolate makes everything better.

As a matter of fact, if I was chocolate coated…again, I would be ten times more attractive than I am now, which actually isn’t saying much, because I would be as attractive as Casey Affleck’s older and more popular brother, Ben Affleck…with a goatee.

Of course, the women who found me attractive would only like me for my chocolate coating and not what’s beyond it. Because once the chocolate coating is gone, it’s just me, my heart, my soul, my being, my hopes, my dreams, my memories, my fears and my naked body, which isn’t very attractive.

Actually, it’s kind of pale and nauseating.

Chocolate is powerful stuff. It has calming properties whenever you see a pale and nauseating naked body like mine. Eating it helps release serotonin in the brain, which produces feelings of pleasure. Dark chocolate contains flavonoids, which is an antioxidant that helps maintain a healthy heart. Excessive amounts of it make people fat. Some people also consider chocolate to be an aphrodisiac, although I do believe that there isn’t any amount of chocolate that would make a woman even think about making some sweet, sweet lovin’ with me.

Chocolate even has the power to turn a totally un-special, bland and shitty cereal into one of my new favorites. The new Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight is full of bland and shitty rice and wheat flakes with “chocolatey pieces.”

Note the quotation marks, because I don’t know if sugar, partially hydrogenated palm kernel oil, cocoa processed with alkali, cocoa, soy lecithin, artificial flavor, and milk equals chocolate, but according to the ingredients on the box that’s what the chocolatey chunks are made out of. Perhaps a candy expert can help us with ingredients mumbo jumbo?

Special K has always been marketed to women who are trying to lose weight and I have to applaud any woman out there that eats Special K to help them lose weight. I did the Special K diet and it SUCKED HARD! Women have it so rough because they give birth to children, they go through menstruation, and they eat a bland, shitty cereal to help them lose weight.

I don’t know how you women do it, but those abilities are probably the reasons why you’re the superior gender, except for those of you who end up on reality TV or any talk show that has topics like, “I Have Something to Tell You: I’m Pregnant, But It’s Not Yours” or “I Don’t Know Which Brother is My Baby’s Father.”

The flat chocolatey chunks in the new Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight cereal make it the BEST SPECIAL K CEREAL EVER, but most importantly it makes those bland and shitty rice and wheat flakes taste so much better and gives the cereal a mild chocolatey taste. Although just like regular Special K, the flakes get mushy quicker than I do while reading a Hallmark greeting card.

Almost every spoonful I took had a chocolatey piece in it. I don’t know how many chocolatey pieces are in each box, but there was A LOT. Although, it shouldn’t be surprising since it’s from Kellogg’s, the only company with the cojones to brag about the two scoops of raisins in their Raisin Bran. Despite the amount of chocolatey pieces, they don’t make the cereal taste very sweet, which is good as I wean myself away from Count Chocula.

The chocolatey pieces also don’t make the Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight significantly less healthy than regular Special K. One serving with skim milk has 160 calories, two grams of fat, no cholesterol, 75 milligrams of potassium, 25 grams of carbs, one gram of dietary fiber, nine grams of sugar, two grams of protein, a whole lot of vitamins and minerals, and for single men, 100 milligrams of embarrassment for having a box of Special K in their cart.

Unfortunately, not even chocolate can make up for that embarrassment.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to reader Jason who suggested TIB review the Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight. Maybe I’ll do the Special K Diet again.)

Item: Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Best Special K cereal EVER. Chocolatey pieces makes shitty rice and wheat flakes taste better. A possible healthier alternative to sugary cereals. Full of vitamins, minerals, and chocolatey pieces. Chocolate makes everything taste better. Kellogg’s big cojones. Women.
Cons: Special K flakes gets mushy quickly. 100 milligrams of embarrassment for single men who buy Special K. My pale and nauseating naked body.

REVIEW: Post Fruity Pebbles with New Bedrock Berry Pink

Oh my god, Fruity Pebbles, pink was, like, so 2004.

I don’t know if you, like, got the memo, but pink is, like, no longer the new black.

So why don’t you, like, go back home to your South Beach Diet and listen to the Usher song “Yeah!” on, like, your CD player?

Oh my god, you’re, like, so not current. I bet you, like, still call P. Diddy, Puff Daddy.

I mean, like, where have you been for the past five months? Living in, like, a cave?

Not even singer Pink likes pink anymore. I heard she’s gonna, like, change her name to Fuchia or something like that.

Oh my god, like, look at your shoes! Have you been, like, shopping from the clearance rack?

Pffff… You know what? I had those shoes in, like, 2003. But, like, a week later I donated them to Goodwill, because they, like, weren’t in style anymore. I bet that’s where you, like, got them from.

I bet you, like, also still have acid-washed jeans and Benetton clothing in your closet.

Why are you, like, adding a new color anyway? It’s not like you taste any better or look any better. You could’ve, like, added death black, vomit green, or doo-doo brown, you still will, like, taste the same.

Oh my god, like, you have so many colors anyway, Fruity Pebbles. It’s like you got caught in a tornado with, like, Elton John’s wardrobe.

Why don’t you, like, add marshmallows or something? Those are, like, so hot right now. But, like, if you don’t do it by next week, it’s gonna be, like, so not hot, like that pink outfit you’re, like, wearing.

Oh my god, how about some, like, contrast? You look like a bottle of, like, Pepto Bismol.

I think I, like, need a bottle of it right now, because I’m, like, getting nauseated from looking at how uncool you are.

Anyway, I have to, like, go, because, like, your uncoolness is, like, totally rubbing off on me. I think I have to, like, buy a whole new wardrobe because of you. And, like, I guarantee my new wardrobe won’t have, like, any pink.

Item: Post Fruity Pebbles with New Bedrock Berry Pink
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes just like normal Fruity Pebbles. There’s, like, 10 essential vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Pink was, like, so 2004. Like, so not current. Adding, like, a new color is, like, so not hot. The game on the back of the box was, like, hard.