Even though its “Better If Used Before” date WAS August 15, 2002, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon would still put this box of Kellogg’s The Simpsons Homer’s Cinnamon Donut Cereal on the shelf at the Kwik-E-Mart. Although, he would use a pen to change the expiration date so that it would say it doesn’t expire for 90 years.

Like the fear I would have going on a date with a Bouvier sister not named Marge, I was scared of eating this 10-year-old limited edition cereal that apparently wasn’t limited enough because there are still several unopened boxes of it available on eBay.

There’s trepidation on my part because even though it’s sealed in a plastic bag and using 20th century preservatives, I thought I would perhaps get food poisoning like Homer did in season five, episode 13, “Homer and Apu.” It doesn’t take the mind of a Professor Frink or Martin Prince Jr. to know eating old cereal might not be good for the digestive system.

Heck, even Homer looks a little hesitant on the front of the box.

Sure, he looks happy, shedding tears of joy. But if I were to use my below mediocre Photoshop skills on a Mapple MyCube to replace “Mmmm…Donuts” in his thought bubble with “10-year-old cereal! Doh!” his smile becomes a hesitant smirk and his tears of joy become tears of pain.

In order to get the courage to open the box and try the cereal, I had to find my inner Ralph Wiggum and not know better. Once I did that, I ated the cinnamon cereal.

After opening the box and the cereal bag inside it, I was greeted with an aroma that was a combination of cinnamon and cardboard, but mostly cardboard. Although, I could be confusing the cardboard smell with a Moe’s Tavern-like staleness.

After opening the bag, I also thought the cereal would instantly turn into dust, much like the Simpsons family did in the couch gag from season 15, episode two, “My Mother the Carjacker,” but it didn’t. Actually, the cereal looked exactly like it does on the front of the box.

I’ll pause here to let you blurt out to your computer screen whether you think the cereal was still crunchy or soft.

…

If you said the cereal would be crunchy, you’d be as correct as Lisa Simpson at a spelling bee. Yes, it’s amazing what butylated hydroxytoluene can do. Although it was crunchy, I can’t say it was as crunchy as a brand new cereal.

As for its flavor, it reminded me of Apple Jacks…stale, stale Apple Jacks with a stronger cinnamon flavor. I think it’s equal parts Edna Krabappel-stale and Ned Flanders-sweet. I was surprised by how sweet and cinnamon-y the cereal was and I assumed sitting in a box for years would cause all the sugar and cinnamon to settle to the bottom of the bag. But as I ate them straight out of the box, my fingers quickly got covered in sugar and cinnamon. They also have a greasy aftertaste, which could be from the partially hydrogenated soybean oil or the artificial butter flavor listed in the ingredients. Mmmm…artificial butter flavor. The greasiness makes sense since they’re supposed to taste like donuts. However, I assure you this cereal didn’t taste like donuts.

Eating a cereal that expired ten years ago wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. However, when I ate it with milk, the dairy somehow enhanced its staleness. I guess the milk washed away the cinnamon and sugar, which settled at the bottom of my cereal bowl.

I have to admit I’m awfully disappointed about my Limited Edition Kellogg’s The Simpsons Homer’s Cinnamon Donut Cereal experience. I thought after ten years of sitting in a closet somewhere that time, sugar, lack of oxygen, cinnamon, and corn would create something inedible. Instead, it was palatable.

Maybe I should try for a cereal that expired 20 years ago.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup/cereal only – 150 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 14 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Limited Edition Kellogg’s The Simpsons Homer’s Cinnamon Donut Cereal
Purchased Price: $19.04
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Still edible. Uses regular sugar and cinnamon. The Simpsons. Full of vitamins and minerals. Paid $5.00 for the cereal.
Cons: Still edible (deep down I wish it wasn’t). Milk makes the cereal taste more stale. Made with partially hydrogenated oil. Greasy aftertaste. Made my fingers a little greasy. Paid $14.04 to ship the cereal.

Ah breakfast. The most important meal of the day if you ask any medical professional, and the fuel that gives athletes around the world the competitive edge when competing in the 2012 Summer Olympics. Team USA, par usual, has been dominating this year’s London Olympics, with golden boy swimmer Michael Phelps taking center stage once again. And what, praytell, fuels Phelps’ dolphin like speed?

Funny you should ask, because according to a Google search, it’s actually three fried egg sandwiches, three chocolate chip pancakes, a five-egg omelette, three buttered and sugared pieces of French Toast, and a bowl of good old fashioned grits. It’s just step one in a 12,000 calorie day feeding frenzy that would make Great White Sharks feel bloated.

Of course, for someone like me, whose most celebrated athletic accomplishment is breaking an eight minute mile, Kellogg’s has introduced 2012 Team USA cereal.

Don’t be fooled by the multicolored loops. This is no Froot Loops knockoff or Apple Jacks wannabe. No, these are red, blue, and yellowish rings of these here United States and its athletic prowess. Taking a look at the Collector’s Edition box, one can’t help be swept up in a mural of amber waves while imagining the sweet, seductive smell of victory over the Russian women’s gymnastics team.

Maybe that’s how the cereal smells in London, but on my couch watching the Olympics, I’m instead struck by the unmistakable smell of slightly cardboardy and artificial vanilla flavor. Clearly, Team USA had a slow surge off the blocks.

But that’s okay, right? I mean, even the Dream Team fights it out with Lithuania, but eventually Coach K gets Kobe, Durant and the boys to lay the hammer down on the road to Gold. That’s it, I figure. The smell is just the pregame warm-ups. Wait ‘till the hand goes down into the box. Then we’ll get down to business.

Or maybe not.

The texture makes about as much of an impact on my taste buds as Nova Scotia makes in the sport of beach volleyball. That’s to say it hardly registers. The dry crunch is virtually nonexistent, while there’s no glazed coating to provide that crisp, Froot Loops-like sweetness. A mediocre and artificial vanilla flavor hovers in the background, but overall, the sweetness seems to lack any pop. I find myself wanting some kind of fat in the ingredient list to crisp up the cereal, and something other than plain old sugar to give the cereal sweetness.

Okay, so we’re clearly falling behind here, but Team USA always rallies. So it’s time to go back for one final try and reach down deep, this time with milk.

Ugh. The results aren’t any better. Milk just turns the already light cereal soggy in a hurry, and not in that good soggy way that Life cereal gets. Little, if any, sweetness is transferred to the milk, and while the vanilla flavor is more pronounced, who has ever bought a Froot Loops-looking cereal for Vanilla flavor, anyway? Michael Phelps, in all his calorie laden breakfast glory, would not approve.

If Team USA cereal was competing in the mythical (but currently patent pending) Cereal Olympics, it wouldn’t even qualify in the prelims. Actually, I’m not sure it would even be allowed to compete. Masquerading as Froot Loops in much the same way that the 2004 U.S. Men’s basketball team masqueraded as the Dream Team, Team USA cereal does American breakfast eaters a disservice. With arguably half the calories per box as Michael Phelps’ breakfast, I think it’s safe to say it’s not the breakfast of champions, and won’t be leading me to athletic glory anytime soon.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 110 calories, 5 calories from fat, 0.5 grams of fat, 0 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein)

Other Kellogg’s 2012 Team USA Cereal reviews:
Time for Cereal

Item: Kellogg’s 2012 Team USA Cereal
Purchased Price: $1.99 (on sale)
Size: 8-ounce box
Purchased at: Weis Markets
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Collector’s Edition Box. Fun Olympic athlete trading cards on the back-of-the-box.Only 110 calories and nine grams of sugar per serving. Decent vanilla flavor in milk. Imagining all the crap I could eat if I had Michael Phelps’ calorie needs.
Cons: More disappointing than the 2004 USA Men’s basketball team. Lacks pop in sweetness. Smells like cardboard. No fruit flavor. Lackluster crunch. Leaves skim milk end-milk that tastes too much like Skim Milk