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NEWS: Taco Bell Goes Extreme With Beef and Possibly Too Extreme With The Cheese
Unless Taco Bell comes up with a new type of meat, a new menu item name that ends with a vowel, or another adjective that isn’t “spicy,” “zesty,” or “extreme,” I think they’ll soon run out ideas for their “Limited Time Only” special menu items. I’m suggesting this because it seems like I’ve eaten [...]
Continue reading...NEWS: Silk Soy Milk + Fiber = Crazy Nutritious
29 May 2007
Just like beer and film noir, soy milk is an acquired taste. Those who drink it, do so for a variety of reasons. Some drink it because their lactose intolerant. Others drink it for soy’s health benefits or because they’re vegan. I drink it because a carton of it makes me [...]
Continue reading...Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger
28 May 2007
If the new Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger — which contains a grilled slice of Dole pineapple — becomes really popular, I fear that a particular sponge that lives in a pineapple under the sea might not have a home to return to. After trying the Carl’s Jr. Teriyaki Burger, I think SpongeBob SquarePants might [...]
Continue reading...York Mints
23 May 2007
(Editor’s Note: To understand this review, please watch this old York Peppermint Pattie commercial.) When I bite into a York Mint, I get the sensation that my balls have been groped a little too long by the cold, gloveless hands of my doctor, making me cough more than I should. While my testes slowly [...]
Continue reading...NEWS: I Like My Method Bottles Like Flo Jo
22 May 2007
Oh, Sir Mix-A-Lot, I now feel your pain and truly understand when you said, “I’m tired of magazines, sayin’ flat butts are the thing. Take the average black man and ask him that, she gotta pack much back.” The new Method Bloq line lacks the most noticeable attribute about Method cleaning products — their juicy, [...]
Continue reading...NEWS: Bloom: Good Name for Women’s Energy Drink, Bad Name for Tampon
22 May 2007
Just like the disparity of women in the corporate world, there is an equal disparity with the number of energy drinks for women. I could grab an M-80 firecracker, light it, let it blow up in my hand, and still have more than enough fingers to count the number of energy drinks I know [...]
Continue reading...Smart Mouth Mouthwash
20 May 2007
Yo mama is so skinny that when she walks into a Curves all the ladies give her a look that says, “What the fuck you doin’ in here skinny bitch?!?” Ever since I’ve started using Smart Mouth mouthwash, my ability to produce quality Yo Mama snaps has significantly gone down. You would think with a [...]
Continue reading...Kona Deep Water
16 May 2007
I think Kona Deep Water has the same name as a porn I’ve either owned, watched, rented, or downloaded via BitTorrent. Just to make sure, I’m going to see if I have it in my walk-in porn closet. I knew alphabetizing my collection would come in handy one day. Oh wait, no [...]
Continue reading...Putting the “ew” in product reviews AND news
14 May 2007
Today, The Impulsive Buy is going through a little change. Don’t worry, TIB is keeping its balls. All of you come here to read product reviews and to occasionally find out if I’ve gotten laid, which by the way, I’m still working on. Every month, I try a variety of products, but not all [...]
Continue reading...Full Throttle Frozen Fury Slurpee
14 May 2007
Like all drugs, caffeine has side effects. For myself, the only side effects I get from caffeine are temporary high blood pressure, stomach aches, and the urge to run down the street yelling random things about indie bands like, “Listening to Belle & Sebastian does not make me a pussy!” Caffeine’s side effects are much less harsh [...]
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29 May 2007
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