Author: Brandon

REVIEW: Carl’s Jr. Hardee’s Bacon Beast Burger

Brandon 4 Comments

Hardee s Bacon Beast Burger Top

When I was very young, one of my favorite fast food sandwiches was the simple, yet respectable Hardee’s roast beef. Later, in my early 20s, and with an accordantly sufficient metabolism, I would occasionally go to town on a Monster Thickburger. You know, the one with two 1/3 pound beef patties, four strips of bacon, three slices of American cheese, and a slathering of mayo. (I always appreciated how they didn’t put on airs by adding anything that came from a garden.)

I’m older now, and as such, I wouldn’t feel responsible ordering one of those if Hardee’s still made them. (There’s a smaller, tamer version, but it just isn’t the same.) Couple the lack-of-a-sideshow-aspect with the fact that the nearest Hardee’s just isn’t very near, and the bottom line is, I don’t get there all that often. So, when I heard about its rollout of the new “Bacon Beast” menu featuring a Bacon Beast burger, breakfast burrito, and biscuit, I wondered, will this be enough to work Hardee’s into my regular fast food rotation?

The answer, simply put, is no.

You see, the thing is, I’ve got three Burger Kings closer to me, and Burger King has a Whopper, and to that Whopper, one may add bacon and cheese. And that is, from a taste standpoint, a 98% match for this burger.

Hardee s Bacon Beast Burger Sides

The Bacon Beast consists of “a 3.5 oz patty, tomato, lettuce, pickle, yellow onion, mayonnaise, American cheese, and four strips of Applewood-smoked bacon complete with a special sauce on a seeded bun.” (You can also get it with two or three patties; I ordered a single and was given a double.) A Whopper has a 1/4th pound patty, white onions instead of yellow, and ketchup instead of “special sauce.”

The thing is, for the life of me, I couldn’t tell how this special sauce WASN’T just ketchup. It was a little sweeter, maybe? But whatever it was supposed to be, it was nearly indistinguishable from ketchup.

The other thing, obviously, is that BK flame-grills its meat while Hardee’s charbroils it. Is it different enough to be noticeable? Not to me. Hardee’s patty seemed a bit saltier than BK’s, but it was tasty. Everything else was totally standard, and totally reminiscent of a Whopper. The vegetation was unremarkable but fine, the bacon was decently thick, the bun was bland, and the American cheese was waxy and what one would expect from fast food.

Hardee s Bacon Beast Burger Split

I had no complaints about this thing, but I didn’t come away with any compliments, either. It was a bacon cheeseburger from a top-10 fast food hamburger place. Better than a prepackaged one from a hospital vending machine, but much less desirable than one from Five Guys. And while I get that a place like Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr. isn’t in direct competition with a place like Five Guys or Shake Shack or Your Favorite Local Hamburger Place, if they’re asking me to pay close to that same amount, they’ve gotta give me something fun or unique. A Whopper clone with sad special sauce and a different kind of onion just won’t cut it.

Purchased Price: $6.79
Size: Single Patty
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 900 calories is the only nutritional fact available on Hardee’s website at this time.

REVIEW: International Delight Hostess Twinkies Creamer

Brandon 6 Comments

International Delight Hostess Twinkies Creamer Bottle

What is International Delight Hostess Twinkies Creamer?

The bad boys and girls at International Delight are at it again! No longer content with simply making Reese’s into iced coffee, or infusing their creamer with Almond Joy or Cinnabon, now they’re taking everyone’s favorite indestructible snack cake and making it drinkable.

How is it?

Delicious.

International Delight Hostess Twinkies Creamer Itself

While very little of the golden cake flavor shines through, the taste overwhelmingly captures the artificially delightful cream filling. It’s super sugary, sure, but you know what you signed up for: a Twinkies-flavored creamer. There is no nuance here, so maybe that’s a bit of a missed opportunity, but if you’ve ever wanted to drinky a Twinkie, this is your chance.

International Delight Hostess Twinkies Creamer Coffee

Anything else you need to know?

I was delighted/horrified to learn that Hostess released a bottled “Twinkies Iced Latte” in 2020. If you, too, missed your opportunity to consume one of these things, you’ll be happy to note that it is currently available on eBay— along with the Ding Dong and Honey Bun varieties— for just a tick under $40.

Conclusion:

While liquid Twinkies feels a bit too novelty to become a full-time International Delight flavor, if you’re into prepackaged snack cakes, or trying new coffee creamers, or just feel like something a little less adult than “Hazelnut” or “French Vanilla,” you probably won’t regret giving this a whirl.

Purchased Price: $2.88
Size: 32 oz
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 Tbsp) 35 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 10 milligrams of sodium, 5 grams of carbohydrates, less than 0 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar including 5 grams added sugar, and 0 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Toffee Crunch Oreo Cookies

Brandon 9 Comments

Toffee Crunch Oreo Cookies Package

So, I feel like I have limited experience with toffee. I’ve had a couple of Heath Bars, and maybe even a Skor or two, but I’m generally not one to just sit around gobbling fistfuls of the brittle English… candy? Confection? Building material?

But it pairs well with chocolate, I think — as evidenced by the aforementioned bars. So it only makes sense that it’s now an Oreo filling. After all, everything is an Oreo filling, right? Swedish Fish? Oreo filling. Cherry cola? Oreo filling. Your mom’s meatloaf? Probably going to be an Oreo filling.

But like Jeff Goldblum said in Jurassic Park, “Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.” Was he talking about Oreo flavors? It’s been a long time since I’ve seen the movie, so I don’t remember. Maybe? But I guess what I’m getting at is, just because the Oreo scientists can stuff their cookies with whatever fillings their demented minds can dream up, should they? Well, no, not always. (Looking at you, Kettle Corn, Pina Colada, Cotton Candy, and Root Beer Float, to name but a few.)

But in this case? It’s fine.

Toffee Crunch Oreo Cookies Top

The toffee creme has a noticeable buttery flavor, but it’s very mild. To replicate toffee’s crunch, “sugar crystals” have been added to the proceeding. They crunch, and they’re fine, but they do nothing to enhance or detract from the overall affair. Because the toffee punch is so subtle, I was left wishing that there would have been more, you know, Double Strength or whatever they call it. I’m not sure they do that with these one-off flavors, though, so I was left with nothing more than a dream.

Toffee Crunch Oreo Cookies Weirdness

One mildly interesting side note: about 3/4ths of the pack had half of the cookie inside-out. So like, the decorative side was pressed into the creme and the smooth side was facing out. Do I think this affected my eating experience? Uncertain, but I’m leaning toward “no.” Was it mildly interesting? Sure. But not, you know, enough to make me want to buy them again. Because I feel like that would be a really peculiar reason to buy another package of Oreo cookies, right?

Toffee Crunch Oreo Cookies Tray

In the end, these were acceptably okay but absolutely nothing special. If you’re a completist, you’ll want to try them, and I feel like, as long as you’re tolerant of toffee, you’ll enjoy them just fine. If you’re just an “Oreo-a-few-times-per-year” person, you might want to stick to your known commodities lest you end up with a sad stomach.

Purchased Price: $3.67
Size: 17 oz package
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 cookies) 140 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 13 grams of sugar, 13 grams of added sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein.

REVIEW: Froot Loops Gummies

Brandon 4 Comments

Froot Loops Gummies Pouch

What are Froot Loops Gummies?

Discontent with your child’s sole exposure to sugary fruit rings occurring only at breakfast, Kellogg’s is pleased to announce the birth of Froot Loops Gummies, small, chewy rings of a gelatinous nature meant to fill in the afternoon “sweet-snack” slot.

How are they?

Have you ever been chewing a big spoonful of Froot Loops cereal when you had the thought, “I know what would make these better— if they were chewier and grittier”?

No?

Froot Loops Gummies Colors

Well, there’s a reason for that. No one needs Froot Loops in a gummy form. Texturally, these come across like a stale version of your standard gummy peach ring. There’s less gum and more grit, though, giving you an experience akin to dropping your gummy snack in the sand before imbibing.

At first bite, there is the unmistakable artificial fruit taste associated with the namesake cereal, but it dissipates quickly, leaving you with the disappointing ordeal of chewing on a mouthful of rubbery newspaper.

Froot Loops Gummies Size

Anything else you need to know?

In 1994, Kellogg’s introduced the world to Puey, Susey, and Louis, Toucan Sam’s nephews. It feels like maybe they should have told Uncle Sam to stay away from the fruit snack market.

Conclusion:

My seven-year-old daughter ate these with me, lest you think this is solely the opinion of a snobby adult. She declared, “I’d give these about a three. Out of 100.” I said, “Wow, you think they’re THAT bad?” And she said, “Well, maybe like a three out of five.”

The thing is, she’s seven, and numbers are still a bit conceptual to her in a lot of ways. She was right with the three, though. Just, you know, out of 10.

Purchased Price: $1.00
Size: 4 oz.
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 3 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (10 pieces) 110 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 5 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein.

REVIEW: Popeyes Homestyle Mac & Cheese

Brandon 19 Comments

Popeyes Homestyle Mac Cheese Bowl

Popeyes, widely regarded as the champion of fast food fried chicken, has a new and improved Homestyle Mac & Cheese.

Did you know it had an old and un-improved Homestyle Mac & Cheese? I sure didn’t. See, the thing is, I’ve never been able to bring myself to order anything other than the red beans and rice or the mashed potatoes with cajun gravy. And this is odd because, as a human person, I love macaroni and cheese. I even love macaroni and cheese from other fast-food chicken places. It is one of my go-to sides when I end up at KFC, where I gladly consume it despite the fact that it tastes inexplicably chlorinated.

But Popeyes nails it on chicken, chicken nuggets, chicken sandwiches, biscuits, and the aforementioned sides, so why WOULDN’T it make a magnificent mac & cheese, too?

Well, they do.

Popeyes website boasts that its new noodle dish is “made with real butter and cream and topped with shredded cheddar cheese,” and this story checks out. The noodles themselves are perfectly cooked — soft and tender but not mushy. And there is plenty of cheese — a mild, creamy cheese that lovingly coats each noodle and the sharper, chewy cheddar that hides in pockets throughout the bowl.

Popeyes Homestyle Mac Cheese Spoon

It is a rich dish — likely owing to the real butter and cream — but not so rich that you won’t be able to eat the whole thing in like, 90 seconds and then go, “Dammit, Brandon, why did you eat the whole thing? Can’t you exercise more restraint than that?”

Despite the adulation, I do have two quibbles with this delectable side.

The first is that the texture is very one-note. And I get it, I do, this is mac & cheese, which is, by and large, a creamy, soft dish. But you know what elevates a very good mac & cheese to a great mac & cheese? A crunchy top. You know, breadcrumbs or what have you. You get a bit of textural differentiation because of the melted shredded cheddar, but it’s not enough to break up the monotony in your mouth. (Which again, I assure you, isn’t enough to keep you from wanting to consume an industrial barrel’s worth of this stuff.)

Second, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do now when I get a meal and have to choose two sides. My gut says to alternate between the red beans and rice, mashed potatoes, and the new mac & cheese like a responsible adult. However, the fat kid who lives in my brain says, “GET ‘EM ALL, BUDDY. IT’S THE FUTURE. YOU CAN JUST 3D-PRINT SOME NEW ARTERIES.”

God bless technology, and god bless this macaroni and cheese.

Purchased Price: $2.79
Size: Regular
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 300 calories, 22 grams of fat, 13.5 grams of saturated fat, 0.6 grams of trans fat, 609 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 11 grams of protein.