REVIEW: McDonald’s Cinnamon Melts

Much like Angelina Jolie’s collection of adopted Third World children, the menu at McDonald’s has gotten larger and diverse.

Along with the usual fare of burgers, fries and toys that some people think will make them rich someday when they sell them on eBay, McDonald’s has been offering large salads, premium chicken sandwiches, and gourmet coffee.

Recently, they came out with their Cinnamon Melts, which proves once again that just like drunk college kids who need an idea for a video they want to put on YouTube, McDonald’s will stick anything in a microwave.

I like the direction that McDonald’s is taking because diversity is good. Sure, most of their food isn’t the healthiest thing you can stick down your gullet, but when you’re tired and hungry after a long day at work or school, a Filet-O-Fish can look like a Filet Mignon.

You know what they say, “Variety is the spice of life” and in this case, the spice is cinnamon. Sure, you could live your life without variety, but what fun would that be. I believe a wise man once said, “To make life interesting, sometimes men have to piss sitting down and women have to piss standing up.”

Anyway, every container of McDonald’s Cinnamon Melts is basically a bunch of donut hole-sized pieces of bread with a cinnamon sugar glaze and frosting. It would be easy for me to say that these bite-sized cinnamon balls totally bite, but they don’t. Actually, they’re pretty good…for something that comes out of a microwave.

The McDonald’s Cinnamon Melts were sweet, but not sickly sweet like eating a Cinnabon or listening to hours of the Teletubbies talk, and they weren’t as messy as eating a Cinnabon since they were bite-sized and came with a fork. But if you enjoy sucking on your own fingers, you don’t have to use the fork.

The cinnamon sugar glaze was good and it had a nice crystallized crunch to it. The bread was warm, fluffy and soft. Speaking of soft, with the McDonald’s Cinnamon Melts they have found another way to possibly kill us softly. With 460 calories, 19 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat and 32 grams of sugar it isn’t something I would buy on a regular basis, unless I wanted to do more good than Angelina Jolie by feeding more Third World children than she has adopted.

Item: McDonald’s Cinnamon Melts
Price: $1.89
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Pretty good for something that comes out of a microwave. Under two dollars. Not overly sweet like a Cinnabon. Diverse menu at McDonald’s. Men occasionally pissing while sitting down. Women occasionally pissing while standing up.
Cons: Serving might seem small to some. High calorie. High saturated fat. The health of most of the McDonald’s menu. Those people who think they’ll be rich selling McDonald’s toys on eBay.

REVIEW: Snapple Diet Green Tea

The Snapple Diet Green Tea is quite possibly the healthiest drink EVER.

I have no scientific data, testimonials from fake nutritionists or fancy Microsoft Excel pie charts to back up that statement. All I know is that green tea is healthy, diet is healthy, and Snapple is Made from the Best Stuff on Earth®. Put all three of those things together and you have a threesome of healthiness.

Now just like MC Hammer, let’s break it down.

As many of you know, green tea is full of antioxidants, which have the ability to kick the asses of bad free radicals in your body and make them their bitches. The Snapple Diet Green Tea has a natural antioxidant called epigallocatechin gallate, or EGCG for short, which is only found in green tea.

According to the bottle, EGCG also has the ability to boost your metabolism, although the bottle also says it takes 300 milligrams of it to effectively boost it. A bottle of Snapple Diet Green Tea has only 55 milligrams. So just like drinking six beers in one sitting will give you a better buzz and make all the ugly people look slightly better, drinking six Snapple Diet Green Teas in a day will increase your metabolism and maybe help you forget about whomever you brought home the other night after drinking six beers.

Another reason why green tea is healthy is because it’s green. Green is a healthy color because a lot of healthy vegetables are green, like zucchini, cucumbers, spinach, lettuce, broccoli, green beans, green bell peppers, cabbage, kale, leeks and weed.

Just like Michael Bay does with every movie he directs, the word “diet” has the ability to suck out the soul of anything it touches and just leave a tasteless, reduced-calorie and reduced-fat empty shell behind, which of course isn’t surprising because you can’t spell “diet” without the word “die.” With the Diet Snapple Green Tea, the word “diet” sucks out all the calories, fat and sugar, leaving it with a row of zeroes on its nutrition label.

Finally, the Diet Snapple Green Tea is healthy because it is Made from the Best Stuff on Earth®. I don’t know what the best stuff on Earth are according to Snapple, but I do know that it’s probably all-natural and it’s probably not gold, diamonds, titanium, rubies, silver, or platinum, because those would make a really shitty Snapple.

Overall, the Diet Snapple Green Tea isn’t bad for a diet drink, although I can easily taste the Splenda (sucralose) much like how I can easily taste the Scientology whenever I watch a Tom Cruise or John Travolta movie. The 55 milligrams of EGCG kind of makes up for its taste and so does the 30 milligrams of sweet, succulent caffeine, which is better than nothing, but not enough to prevent me from falling asleep during a Tom Cruise or John Travolta movie.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Lindsey for recommending the Snapple Diet Green Tea for review.)

Item: Snapple Diet Green Tea
Price: $1.29 (17.5-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Its taste is all right for a diet drink. 55 milligrams of EGCG. Zero calories. Zero sugar. Zero fat. Kosher pareve. Some Vitamin C. Creates a threesome of healthiness. 30 milligrams of caffeine. Made from the Best Stuff on Earth®.
Cons: If you hate Splenda, you’ll hate this. The word “diet.” Scientology. Everything Michael Bay directs (I feel sorry for Transformers).

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight

Chocolate makes everything better.

As a matter of fact, if I was chocolate coated…again, I would be ten times more attractive than I am now, which actually isn’t saying much, because I would be as attractive as Casey Affleck’s older and more popular brother, Ben Affleck…with a goatee.

Of course, the women who found me attractive would only like me for my chocolate coating and not what’s beyond it. Because once the chocolate coating is gone, it’s just me, my heart, my soul, my being, my hopes, my dreams, my memories, my fears and my naked body, which isn’t very attractive.

Actually, it’s kind of pale and nauseating.

Chocolate is powerful stuff. It has calming properties whenever you see a pale and nauseating naked body like mine. Eating it helps release serotonin in the brain, which produces feelings of pleasure. Dark chocolate contains flavonoids, which is an antioxidant that helps maintain a healthy heart. Excessive amounts of it make people fat. Some people also consider chocolate to be an aphrodisiac, although I do believe that there isn’t any amount of chocolate that would make a woman even think about making some sweet, sweet lovin’ with me.

Chocolate even has the power to turn a totally un-special, bland and shitty cereal into one of my new favorites. The new Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight is full of bland and shitty rice and wheat flakes with “chocolatey pieces.”

Note the quotation marks, because I don’t know if sugar, partially hydrogenated palm kernel oil, cocoa processed with alkali, cocoa, soy lecithin, artificial flavor, and milk equals chocolate, but according to the ingredients on the box that’s what the chocolatey chunks are made out of. Perhaps a candy expert can help us with ingredients mumbo jumbo?

Special K has always been marketed to women who are trying to lose weight and I have to applaud any woman out there that eats Special K to help them lose weight. I did the Special K diet and it SUCKED HARD! Women have it so rough because they give birth to children, they go through menstruation, and they eat a bland, shitty cereal to help them lose weight.

I don’t know how you women do it, but those abilities are probably the reasons why you’re the superior gender, except for those of you who end up on reality TV or any talk show that has topics like, “I Have Something to Tell You: I’m Pregnant, But It’s Not Yours” or “I Don’t Know Which Brother is My Baby’s Father.”

The flat chocolatey chunks in the new Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight cereal make it the BEST SPECIAL K CEREAL EVER, but most importantly it makes those bland and shitty rice and wheat flakes taste so much better and gives the cereal a mild chocolatey taste. Although just like regular Special K, the flakes get mushy quicker than I do while reading a Hallmark greeting card.

Almost every spoonful I took had a chocolatey piece in it. I don’t know how many chocolatey pieces are in each box, but there was A LOT. Although, it shouldn’t be surprising since it’s from Kellogg’s, the only company with the cojones to brag about the two scoops of raisins in their Raisin Bran. Despite the amount of chocolatey pieces, they don’t make the cereal taste very sweet, which is good as I wean myself away from Count Chocula.

The chocolatey pieces also don’t make the Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight significantly less healthy than regular Special K. One serving with skim milk has 160 calories, two grams of fat, no cholesterol, 75 milligrams of potassium, 25 grams of carbs, one gram of dietary fiber, nine grams of sugar, two grams of protein, a whole lot of vitamins and minerals, and for single men, 100 milligrams of embarrassment for having a box of Special K in their cart.

Unfortunately, not even chocolate can make up for that embarrassment.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to reader Jason who suggested TIB review the Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight. Maybe I’ll do the Special K Diet again.)

Item: Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Best Special K cereal EVER. Chocolatey pieces makes shitty rice and wheat flakes taste better. A possible healthier alternative to sugary cereals. Full of vitamins, minerals, and chocolatey pieces. Chocolate makes everything taste better. Kellogg’s big cojones. Women.
Cons: Special K flakes gets mushy quickly. 100 milligrams of embarrassment for single men who buy Special K. My pale and nauseating naked body.

REVIEW: Pong A Long 7′ Beer Pong Table

I didn’t participate in any drinking games in college because I spent most of my time using myself as a guinea pig for serious sociology research on intense subjects, like finding out what effects playing Sony Playstation six hours a day has on a college student’s grades, seeing if a student can get a passing mark by not going to class throughout the semester and only taking the midterms and final, experiencing what its like to be on academic probation, and perhaps my favorite research topic, losing one’s virginity, which I’m still doing the research on because I have yet to pass first base due to my inability to take off a woman’s bra.

I hear there are many drinking games out there and I imagine they all have the same goal — to get everyone fucked up. Late last year, the Impulsive Buy was sent a portable beer pong table from a company called Pong A Long. At the time, I had no idea what beer pong was, but thanks to Wikipedia and one of my co-workers, who played it a lot at Penn State, I soon had a better understanding of the game.

The setup for beer pong is simple. Get a long table or take a door off of its hinges and place on top of two work horses, then set up ten tall 16-ounce red plastic cups on each end of the table like they were bowling pins, then fill each cup with the cheapest beer you can get your hands on, and then get some ping pong balls, preferrably ones that weren’t from a stripper who shot them out of her vagina.

The rules for beer pong are just as simple. There’s a team on each end of the table and the objective of each team is to make their opponent drink all ten cups of beer in front of them by throwing ping pong balls into the cups. The winner is the team that makes their opponent drink all ten cups first.

Since beer pong isn’t a game I can play by myself, like Monopoly, Jenga, and Solitaire, I needed an opponent. So I decided to play against fellow English degree holder and new Impulsive Buy writer, Stef.

Unfortunately, the both of us are not beer drinkers, but since we both enjoy vodka, we decided to go with Stoli Blueberi vodka and seltzer on the rocks. Now we could’ve shown you pictures of our beer pong game, but we didn’t think it would give you an accurate play-by-play. So using our English degrees, we decided to use the medium of words and express our competitiveness in the form of a rap battle. Enjoy.

Marvo:
The game is beer pong. The winner will definitely be me.
The poison don’t matter, beer or what were using, Stoli Blueberi.
I may have a lower alcohol tolerance, but that’s all right.
This game will be done quick, like a 1980s Mike Tyson fight.
Pong A Long table is out and the twenty red plastic cups are set.
So are you ready to have your ass handed to you, Stef?

Stef:
Whatever, buddy.  That’s all I’ve got to say,
You really think you can take this all the way?
Like Bon Jovi says, you’re “Livin’ on a Prayer,”
You’d be better off playing with some Care Bears.
Get ready to get drunk, loser, you’re through;
My balls are gonna be straighter than Tom Cruise.

Marvo:
Oh, “straighter than Tom Cruise?” I guess I have more hope.
Because his sexual orientation has been the butt of so many jokes.
It’s been five rounds and you haven’t got the ball in a cup.
Like Michelle Wie playing in a men’s event, you won’t make the cut.
With my pinpoint accuracy and rifle arm, there’s no way I can lose.
Need help? I’ve got a rocket scientist to calculate a trajectory you can use.

Stef:
Watching you cross your eyes while you aim is the sexiest thing.
Is your constipated throw and frustrated sigh all you’re gonna bring?
You can’t even hit the table, your accuracy’s a lie.
You throw like a girl, you’ve got nothing between your thighs.
Hurry up and throw it, there’s no need to think.
Hurry up and put it in, I need one of those drinks.

Marvo:
I’m keeping you sober, so I can give you a head start and me a handicap.
You may have made me drink six cups, but get ready for the comeback.
It’s going to be so much sweeter when I come from behind for the win.
It’s going to “Take My Breath Away” like that Top Gun song from Berlin.
I’m a lightweight, but the alcohol isn’t preventing me from making a shot.
Just like one-hit wonder, Buster Poindexter watch me get “Hot Hot Hot.”

Stef:
I’m not calling it a comeback like LL Cool J,
You can’t even hit the table, do you need to stop and pray?
I’m thirsty, want me to throw for you?
You’re certainly not getting anywhere anytime soon.
How’s about this?  I’ll let you keep going until you get one in,
I’m feeling sorry for you, since there’s no way you can win.
Like Pat says, you better “Hit Me With Your Best Shot,”
You’re drunk, you can’t aim, you’re everything I’m not.

Marvo:
The Pong-A-Long table is too long, it’s messing with my depth perception.
Can’t get a ball in, even if I’m aiming straight like a Bob Dole Viagra erection.
Never mind, got a ball in a cup, better drink up, it’ll help you drown the loss.
I’m feeling lucky, like any guy who went out with Mona from Who’s The Boss.
I’m on a roll, I’m knocking down cups fast and now we’re both down to two.
In no time, I’ll make you look like a fool, like a crazy, drunken Paula Abdul.
Hey do you want to listen to a bit of my beer pong champion speech?
“Thanks to those who supported me and the loser for wanting to compete.”

Stef:
I’d like to thank YOU for finally making one.
Geez, I needed a drink like Homey needs fun.
Don’t blame the table for your shortcomings, friend.
It’s your sad little incompetence that’s becoming a trend.
Let’s not forget that I had to give you free throws,
Otherwise we’d both be here until Vern Troyer grows.
So stop with the excuses and throw the damn ball,
I’m ready with my talent, are you ready to fall?

Marvo:
Not if I get you first, even if I’m redder than an ass after a S&M paddle party.
Down to one cup, but I’ll solve this dilemma like sleuths Frank and Joe Hardy.
I’ve got an idea that will help me become the beer pong king.
Jinx! Jinx! Booga booga! Swing batter batter swing!
Like my new tactic? I’d like to now see you get that ball in this red cup.
Jinx! Jinx! Booga booga! Swing batter batter swing! …Oh, fuck!

Stef:
Hell to the yeah, Marvo, you’re totally through.
It’s over like the Super Bowl; feel like the Bears, do you?
Admit you’re a scrub, wear your loser’s crown.
Go retreat to the corner and sit your tragic ass down.
Drink up that final cup, it’s the end of your story,
Like Jon Bon Jovi, you’ve been shot down in a blaze of glory.

Dammit! I suck!

Overall, the Pong A Long 7′ Beer Pong Table is pretty convenient for those who play often, although it is a little pricey for those college students who mostly eat ramen. It folds in half, has a handle and is somewhat lightweight (a little more than 20 pounds), making it portable, but even with it folded in half, it’s still too big to fit into the trunk of my Toyota Corolla, which can comfortably hold three to four dead or alive bodies.

Besides being somewhat portable, it’s well constructed and it only takes seconds to set up…unless you’re already drunk, then it obviously takes longer. How much longer? If you’re a dude, here’s a little equation to help you figure it out:

Your answer will end up being in minutes. So lets say you’re 160 pounds minus the 60 ounces of Bud you just drank multiplied by the three minutes it took you to figure out the hot blond chick across the room has a goatee, then divide that by 60 seconds and it will take you five minutes to set up the Pong A Long table — if you didn’t pass out.

Oh yeah, if you’re drunk, you might want to lay on top of the Pong A Long table because its cool surface will feel good on your skin, much like the tile bathroom floor you’re probably used to.

Item: Pong A Long 7′ Beer Pong Table
Price: FREE (Retails for $64.99)
Purchased at: Given free by Pong A Long
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Portable. Easy to set up, unless you’re drunk. Well constructed. Better than taking a door off of its hinges and then putting it back. Its cool top will feel good on skin when drunk. Can double as a dining table. Beer pong is good fun. Vodka.
Cons: Getting my ass handed to me and feeling a little emasculated. Kinda pricey for most college students. The length of it seems a little too long. Getting a ping pong ball into a red cup is hard. Folding it in half doesn’t make it small enough to fit into the trunk of some cars. I throw like a girl. Not knowing how to remove a woman’s bra.

REVIEW: Silk Soy Nog

Silk Nog

During the holiday season I look forward to several things, like trying to get onto Santa’s naughty list, tricking women to kiss me under the mistletoe, wishing all the white people Happy Kwanzaa, and drinking egg nog, which I look forward to the most.

If I owned a dairy, I would not only piss off the ghost of French scientist Louis Pasteur by drinking milk straight from a cow’s udder, I would also make egg nog available throughout the year, because sometimes I crave it in July when the temperature rises and my body yearns for something cool, refreshing, and made out of something that comes out of a chicken’s butt.

Of course, the problem with having egg nog year round is the fact that real egg nog is as fattening as Rosie O’Donnell would be to an anaconda, which makes drinking egg nog year round good for Nicole Richie, but not good for everyone else.

Sure there’s light egg nog, but even that can make Ms. Richie look a little pudgy. So if she wants to keep her skeleton-like figure and enjoy the holidays with a little nog, she could always drink Silk Soy Nog.

The lactose-, dairy-, cholesterol-, gluten-, egg-, casein-, peanut-, and MSG-free Silk Soy Nog is good for the lactose-intolerant, vegans, PETA members, autistic people, and The Biggest Loser contestants. It also has no saturated fat and has 180 calories per one cup serving.

Being a regular Silk Soy Milk drinker (Very Vanilla and Chocolate flavors are the best…Double true!), I thought I would enjoy the Silk Soy Nog, much like I enjoy putting Canadian and Japanese coins into Salvation Army buckets, but at first, I didn’t like its taste, which kind of reminded me of the Silk Very Vanilla Soy Milk, except with a little spice and a little less nutty flavor. However, after drinking an entire quart-sized carton, the flavor began to grow on me.

So I guess it has an acquired taste, much like beer and emo rock.

The consistency of the Silk Soy Nog wasn’t thick like regular egg nog or light egg nog, but it was thicker than regular Silk Soy Milk. It also wasn’t as yellowish like regular egg nog. Instead it had a less festive grayish/yellowish color. Instead it had a light pastel yellow color.

(Editor’s Note: Maybe I should stop drinking this stuff straight from the carton. Anyway, after actually looking at it in a cup, it has a light pastel color. Sorry about that.)

If given the choice between regular egg nog and Silk Soy Nog, I would definitely choose the regular egg nog, because it’s more satisfying and much more flavorful. Although, because of its fat and cholesterol content, I wouldn’t be able to drink much of it, unless I enjoy the hardening of my arteries. The Silk Soy Nog was good, but I don’t think it’s something I would look forward to next holiday season.

But I do look forward to putting on my illuminating Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer underwear next Christmas.

(Sidenote: I once drank an entire quart-sized carton of regular egg nog in less than five minutes in high school. My digestive system was not happy about that and because of that experience, I DO NOT recommend drinking an entire quart-sized carton of regular egg nog in less than five minutes. Although, it would kind of make a neat YouTube video or TIB review.)

Item: Silk Soy Nog
Price: $3.99
Size: 1 quart
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: It tastes good, but may take getting used to. The word nog. No cholesterol. No saturated fat. Lactose-free. Putting Canadian and Japanese coins into Salvation Army buckets. Drinking egg nog.
Cons: If you don’t like soy milk, you’re not going to like this. Not having egg nog available all year long. Not as thick as regular egg nog. Drinking an entire carton of egg nog in less than five minutes.

REVIEW: Eclipse Spearmint Gum BigEPak

(Editor’s Note: Please do not attempt this at home. I am a professional stupid person. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for any accidents, injuries, deaths, or gum in hair due to attempting this stupid act.)

You would think that after deep throating a banana for a review, I would be able to easily stick in my mouth the sixty pieces of gum in an Eclipse Spearmint Gum BigEPack. Unfortunately, it wasn’t easy.

I also thought it would be easy to do because chewing on sixty pieces of gum is as impressive as anything David Blaine has done. Actually, the chewing of sixty pieces of gum at one time is probably more impressive than anything he’s done.

Originally, I thought I would pop a piece of gum into my mouth one by one each minute like I was Rush Limbaugh with painkillers. Unfortunately, after ten minutes of popping gum into my mouth, I wasn’t feeling very well.

I spit out the ten pieces of chewed gum and drank some water. The cool liquid surprisingly burned my throat a little. I think the excessive minty flavor of all that gum was probably the reason for that. My slightly burnt throat kind of freaked me out, but at the same time I knew my breath was extremely minty fresh and I wished I had a beautiful woman to make out with…as long as she didn’t try to stick her tongue down my throat, because that might burn a little.

Instead, I had to settle for my pillow.

Giving up my quest to chew an entire container of the Eclipse Spearmint Gum BigEPak was something that crossed my mind, but I’m not a quitter. I may be a wuss, I may own a pink striped shirt, I may not have had the balls to ask out the hot girl at work out on a date until it was too late because I didn’t want to be the rebound guy, and I may listen to Harry Connick Jr., but I’m not a quitter.

The following night, I decided to finish the rest of the gum, but took a different approach. Instead of popping one piece after another, I decided to chew five at a time. Then when it’s well chewed I would place it in a bowl to chew on later, then put five more pieces of gum into my mouth. I would repeat the process until all the gum was gone.

But even this process was like I was running in a marathon, I may be in pain and I really want to stop, but it’ll be so sweet when I cross the finish line. Actually, I have no idea what it’s like to run a marathon, half-marathon, quarter-marathon, or even make a run for the border for Taco Bell.

Eventually, I was able to get through all fifty pieces and form a giant wad of gum, which you can see in the picture above. The wad was roughly the size of my iPod nano, but I was able to stick the whole thing in my mouth. With so much gum, I couldn’t blow bubbles with it, but since it was so large, there was enough gum to form objects and I could’ve made a holiday claymation special with the sticky and slimy Play-Doh-like substance.

While chewing on the huge wad and thinking of what my chewing gum claymation special would be about, all the minty goodness from the gum made me nauseous so I spit it out and threw it away. Or the nauseous feeling could’ve been from all of those pictures of Britney’s crotch I was viewing while chewing the gum.

Item: Eclipse Spearmint Gum BigEPak
Price: $3.99
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: 60 pieces of gum. Freshens breath. Cheaper than buying five packs of regular Eclipse gum to get sixty pieces. Big wad of gum is hard to blow bubbles with. A claymation special using chewing gum.
Cons: Chewing 50 pieces of gum at one time. The burning sensation while drinking water that was caused by the excessive minty flavor of the gum. Seeing Britney’s hoo hah way too many times. Big wad of gum is hard to blow bubbles with. Making out with my pillow.