REVIEW: Limited Edition Cotton Candy Twinkies

Limited Edition Cotton Candy Twinkies

I have a sinking suspicion someone from Hostess got drunk at a carnival and had way too much fun with some cute carnies. I envision the deep fried Twinkie stand being manned by a fun young lass who dared the Hostess rep to create the ultimate ode to her and her young child, who was cradling a big wispy whirly stack of cotton candy. Trying to win over her affection he made a promise then and there to put something exclusively on Walmart shelves that would honor her forever, and in that moment, the Cotton Candy Twinkie was born.

Or something like that.

Limited Edition Cotton Candy Twinkies 2

Pulling out my first cellophane beauty from its cardboard carnival house it’s no surprise that I’m greeted with a lovely smear of grease on the clear plastic, like the Twinkie was desperately trying to escape its factory sealed prison the entire time it was inside.

Releasing the ‘twink from captivity I’m immediately hit with a distinct cotton candy smell, and I’m impressed that I got such a strong aroma even before breaking into the cake. Unfortunately my hands are now already uncomfortably slimy and I’m not even eating bacon. Sigh.

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Biting into the cotton concoction is when the fun really begins. The outside sponge cake is the same as always – greasy and mediocre and has my mouth feeling the same as if my shoulders were endlessly shrugging. The bright pink cream filling legitimately tastes like cotton candy and what I imagine poison tastes like.

What starts as a distinct artificial cotton candy flavor that reminds me of one of my favorite ice creams growing up gradually transforms and finishes with a nagging, astringent, and harsh food dye flavor that is downright bad.

The sweet cotton candy flavor is there, and the texture is represented through the general creamy fluffiness of filling, but everything gets completely washed out by the aftertaste, which lingers and resides over second or third bites – if you can make it that far. The taste is so strong it reminds me of trying to eat something sweet immediately after brushing my teeth, and my mouth and mind join forces to let out one resounding NO.

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Simply put, these are not enjoyable to eat – at all. I’ll give props where props are due to Hostess for actually getting cotton candy flavor into the Twinkie, but if that flavor comes with a side dose of cringe-inducing astringency I will pass, and pass hard.

I’m starting to wonder if the people creating these products are even tasting them before they hit the shelves or if they just assume that everyone who consumes these will be high, drunk, or broken. Steer clear of these unless you legitimately like punishing your tastebuds like some sick twisted S&M carnival-themed eating game.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cakes – 260 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 340 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 31 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: 13.59 oz./10 pack
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Uhhh…they actually taste like cotton candy? Momentarily? A pretty blue box? I’m reaching here.
Cons: Awful astringent poison-esque aftertaste. Usual mediocre greasy Twinkie cake. I had to buy ten of them.

REVIEW: Popeyes Sweet & Crunchy Tenders

Popeyes Sweet  Crunchy Tenders

When I opened my Popeyes box with the new Sweet & Crunchy Tenders, it smelled as if I opened a box of donuts.

That’s due to the shortbread cookie coating on the all white meat chicken. Yes, I did just type these have a cookie coating and, no, I did not misspell “shortening cooked coating” or “shorthair cat coating.”

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From what I could tell, there aren’t shortbread cookie pieces in the coating, but these have a jaw-rattling crunch. If you examine a piece, it looks like the hardened skin of a golden brown Godzilla protecting the perfectly cooked chicken underneath. But after eating all three tenders in the box, I realized it might be too crunchy because I ended up with a mild case of Cap’n Crunch Mouth.

The coating has a noticeable sweetness, but it doesn’t remind me of shortbread cookies or, sadly, donuts. Being shortbread, I was expecting a butteriness, but I didn’t taste any.

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I haven’t had other Popeyes products that had a sweet coating, like the Chicken Waffle Tenders and Southern Fair Chicken Tenders, so I also can’t say these remind me of any of their previous limited time offerings. But I can say, if by some chance your Popeyes forgets to include a sauce with your tenders, eating them sans sauce won’t be too bad.

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While the sweet and savory tenders are good enough that they could be eaten without sauce, they are wonderful with the Smokin’ Pepper Jam Sauce. When I tasted it by itself with my pinky finger, it instantly reminded me of the sweet chili sauce that comes with the spring rolls from my favorite Thai restaurants. It’s slightly more sweet than peppery and when combined with the tenders it enhances the shortbread coating’s sweetness and adds a nice peppery element as a contrast to the sweetness.

Popeyes Sweet & Crunchy Tenders with Smokin’ Pepper Jam Sauce is a great tasting limited time offering. Even though it gave me Cap’n Crunch Mouth. I’d recommend giving it a try while it’s around.

So now that Popeyes has a coating made from cookies, maybe the chicken chain could try making one with another snack — potato chips.

(Nutrition Facts – Not available on website.)

Purchased Price: $7.00* (meal)
Size: N/A
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Smells like donuts. Coating is made with frickin’ shortbread cookies. Crunchy. Smokin’ Pepper Jam Sauce is wonderful and reminds me of sweet chili sauces for Thai spring rolls.
Cons: Might be too crunchy; gave me a mild case of Cap’n Crunch mouth. Limited time offering.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger

Jack in the Box BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger

Jack in the Box’s new BBQ Bacon Cheeseburgers come with your choice of a sweet honey bourbon BBQ sauce or spicy red chili BBQ sauce. I prefer the BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger with sweet BBQ sauce, which you can see above.

Or is that a photo of the BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger with spicy BBQ sauce that I also bought.

Ugh. I don’t remember. They look the same.

Oh, they also look like Jack’s Outlaw Burger.

Besides the sauces, the burger brothers also come with a beef patty, bacon, onion rings, two slice of American cheese, lettuce, and tomatoes on a bun.

Now I don’t know if this is a good thing or bad thing but the sweet BBQ sauce reminds me of what you can get with McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets. I don’t taste bourbon, but it has a nice, sweet, and mellow flavor that will appeal to more taste buds.

Jack in the Box BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger 3

The spicy BBQ sauce is also tasty and slightly sweet, but VERY peppery. So much so that at one point it made me cough. Heatheads will think it’s just a tickle, but if you’re sensitive to spiciness, you should order one with the sweet BBQ sauce.

But with either burger you’ll get a lot of sauce. So don’t take it out of the white paper wrapper it comes in.

(The More You Know theme plays)

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The onion rings disappoint me. At first glance I thought these weren’t Jack’s wonderful Panko Onion Rings, but instead something that looks like they might’ve come out of Burger King’s fryers. But a closer inspection shows they have actual onion slices and not the onion mush in BK’s offering. That’s good, but the burgers would look more spectacular if they had one large Panko Onion Ring instead of the smaller pieces. It would also up the onion flavor and crunch, which these burgers could use a little more of.

The bacon isn’t impressive texture-wise. They are small limp pieces that don’t fall out because they’re incased in a melted cheese slice. But they do add a smokiness that complement both BBQ sauces. The beef patty seems to be the same one on the chain’s Jumbo Jack, the lettuce provides a little crunch, and the tomato is there to fall out as you take a bite from the burgers. To be honest, I wish these were sans veggies.

I know. Lots of little complaints. But as a whole, I found myself enjoying both versions of the burger, especially the sweet one shown below.

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Or is this the spicy one?

(Nutrition Facts – .)

Purchased Price: $5.79 each*
Size: N/A
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Sweet BBQ Sauce)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Spicy BBQ Sauce)
Pros: Both sauces are good, but I prefer the sweet one. Bacon adds a smokiness that complements the sauces. Lots of sauce. Two slices of cheese add a creaminess.
Cons: Spicy BBQ sauce is VERY peppery and might be too spicy for some. Wish the onion rings were bigger. Why are there lettuce and tomato? Limp bacon. Can be messy.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

REVIEW: Keebler Limited Batch Strawberry Cheesecake Fudge Stripes Cookies

Keebler Limited Batch Strawberry Cheesecake Fudge Stripes Cookies

This is the tragedy of Keebler’s Fudge Stripes cookies – adulthood steals your ability to wear them as a ring.

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As a girl, I delighted in prancing around in pretend evening gowns with a rock of a Fudge Stripe on my finger. Of course, it was far too ostentatious and impractical, so I nibbled around the edges to reduce it to a more modest size.

Inevitably, it would crack and fall apart in the process, so I would have to eat it and start all over again. Now my fully-grown fingers are too thick to sport the beloved shortbread & frosting jewelry of my youth. My FS consumption dropped off considerably.

Then Keebler started wooing me back with “Limited Batch” flavors. Peppermint. Red Velvet. Birthday Cake. Cinnamon Roll. Lemon Cream Pie. I loved them all. I was still a little sore about the ring thing, but I was definitely back in the fold.

Hence, I’d already written this review in my head when I lifted the package of Strawberry Cheesecake Fudge Stripes from the grocery shelves. 9 out of 10! How could I NOT love them?

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When I opened the package, I was greeted by the rosy pink color of the base cookie and a strong scent of tangy cheesecake. I wasn’t getting strawberry, however. No worries, I was sure the taste would make up for it.

On first bite, my expected explosion of Frankenberry-ish fake strawberry didn’t materialize. The cheesecake frosting flavor was good despite being a hair more acidic than most cheesecake flavored items. The strawberry shortbread apparently called in sick today, however. Instead of a fruity delight, it tasted more like eating a flour-flavored cookie with a chemical aftertaste. It’s surprising since the last two Fudge Stripes flavor releases, Lemon Cream Pie and Cinnamon Roll, were spot-on with flavor tone and intensity.

Keebler Limited Batch Strawberry Cheesecake Fudge Stripes Cookies 4

This may be the only time in my life I’ve said this, but I’m probably not going to finish this package of Fudge Stripes. Every bite screams “not worth the calories.” They’re a fail for me.

But Keebler, how ‘bout an adult-finger-size Fudge Stripes release? Eh? Eh?

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 140 calories, calories from fat (not listed), 7 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 10g total sugars incl. 9g added sugars and less than 1 gram of protein.)

Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 11.5 oz. package
Purchased at: ShopRite
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Great color and tasty cheesecake frosting.
Cons: “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Not strawberry.”

REVIEW: Thomas’ Limited Edition S’mores English Muffins

Thomas Limited Edition S mores English Muffins

As someone who works in the marketing department of an organization that has only discovered social media within the last year, I tend to feel an affinity with Thomas’ English muffins. For years, these guys had one shtick: nooks and crannies.

If sharing the same marketing platform as a dilapidated four bedroom Tudor didn’t do it for you, you’re not alone. In fact, I’m pretty sure the only reason people tolerate English muffins is because they’re the breakfast equivalent of chips. It’s all about the toppings —- I lean toward the classic cream cheese —- and that delightful round shape.

Well, no more. The new s’mores flavor joins a suddenly marketing-savvy Thomas’ lineup that includes pumpkin spice, salted caramel, and maple french toast. To be honest, each has sounded great, but all have only been okay, undone by a hit-or-miss internal flavor that’s never as pervasive as it should be, and has to be rescued by the spread.

Call me old fashioned, but I have higher expectations for s’mores. In fact, if you call something s’more-flavored, I expect it to taste like a s’more without having to build an actual s’more out of it. Unfortunately, that’s what you have to do to coerce the summertime campfire flavor out of these muffins.

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If you’re the kind of person who eats English muffins both plain and untoasted (in which case, why?) you’ll find these have very little resemblance to a S’mores Pop-Tart much less actual s’mores. The small bursts of cocoa and marshmallow are almost impossible to see without a microscope and almost as difficult to taste.

There is a sort of cocoa flavor that hangs in the background as well as a general honey sweetness, but it’s not discernible as a s’more. A Tootsie Roll? Yes, I can taste that, but not a s’more. To make matters worse, there’s this dough conditioner chewiness thing going on which doesn’t go away unless you toast the muffins well past the point of burnt.

Speaking of toasting, I tested the muffins on a light and a moderate setting and found the graham flavor decreased each time. Granted, there’s not much to begin with, but on a moderate setting the muffins taste like a honey whole wheat English muffin. And because there’s no actual chocolate chips, toasting doesn’t reveal any melty chocolate.

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Ultimately, when I spread the muffins with chocolate marshmallow frosting, they tasted moderately like a s’more. This was anticlimactic though, because I’d already licked some frosting with my finger, which also kind of tasted like a s’more.

Thomas’ S’mores English Muffins are only available for a limited time, which is probably a good thing, because you don’t need mediocre s’mores ruining your life. You also don’t need mediocre English muffins, which is what these are when you take away the chocolate marshmallow frosting.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 muffin – 150 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 2 gram of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $2.98
Size: 6-pack
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Modest cocoa-flavor hangs in the background. Tastes better than a regular English muffin if you eat it plain. Inevitably signals the coming of peach cobbler English muffins come August.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like a s’more. Very lackluster marshmallow and graham elements. Even worse toasted. Overly doughy chew.

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