REVIEW: Post Dino S’mores Pebbles

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I think the Post Dino S’mores Pebbles cereal was created by Fred Flintstone so that there’s a Pebbles cereal Barney could steal from Fred that wouldn’t get him upset and yell, “Barney, my Pebbles.” I believe my theory is correct because this cereal is extremely bland and is something Fred wouldn’t care about if it got stolen. It’s like Post took everything that was great about Cocoa Pebbles and instead of sticking it into this cereal, they shoved it down a snaggle-toothed pig garbage disposal. I don’t know why Dino would want his name associated with this product because it’s something that he would either bury in the backyard and forget about or squeeze out as a steaming pile of poop.

I was hoping the marshmallowy boulders, graham bone shapes, and crunchy chocolatey nuggets would create a s’mores flavor that would take me back to my Boy Scout camp days when we would take showers as one big naked group, wear shorts with an inseam that would make Daisy Duke wearers blush, spray enough mosquito repellant on our bodies to ensure future sterilization, and sit around the campfire building the perfect s’more that was made up of one-third of a Hershey’s bar, with one well-done giant marshmallow, and in between two Honey Maid graham crackers. Unfortunately, the three parts of the Dino S’mores Pebbles cereal couldn’t bring back those memories because those three combined did not taste anything resembling s’mores. If I was at a camp that had s’mores that tasted like this cereal, I would cry like a baby, call for my mommy, and pee in my pants to ensure I would be sent home.

The chocolatey nuggets were not even close to being as chocolatey as Cocoa Pebbles or Cocoa Krispies. The marshmallow boulders and graham bone shapes weren’t very plentiful in the cereal. If you were a microorganism, the marshmallow boulders would actually seem like a large rocks that have the capacity to flatten you, but the small freeze-dried marshmallows that come in hot chocolate packets made the marshmallows in this cereal seem like specks of dirt.

S’mores are supposed to be delicious and messy. Sure, during Boy Scout camp I later regretting eating a dozen of them in one sitting while pooping into a hole in the ground, but while I was eating them, that sugar bomb tasted like a warm hug in my mouth. The Dino S’mores Pebbles cereal is more like a towel whip to the ass in the group shower.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cups – 100 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 60 milligrams of sodium, 80 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 9 grams of other carbohydrates, 1 gram of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Post Dino S’mores Pebbles
Price: $4.99
Size: 11.5 ounces
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Vitamins and minerals. Actual s’mores.
Cons: Boring, bland. Tastes nothing like s’mores. Not chocolatey. Marshmallow boulders are small. Marshmallow boulders and graham bone shapes aren’t very plentiful. Group showers. Old Boy Scout uniforms. Pooping into a hole in the ground. A towel whip to the ass in the group shower.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s High School Musical Cereal

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If you have children, whatever you do, DO NOT buy them the High School Musical Cereal. Some of you might be thinking I don’t like this packaged Kellogg’s and Disney collaboration because it promotes the third movie in the High School Musical trilogy, which by the way makes me cringe more than Star Wars prequel trilogy, but people should avoid this cereal because it just isn’t any good. If this cereal actually jiggled my jollies, I’d be breaking out into an unnecessary song and dance number while eating it. Fortunately for my overworked jazz hands, the cereal just flat out sucks, which boggles my mind since the recipe for a good sugary cereal is simple: pick shapes, pick colors, and add a fucking lot of sugar (marshmallow are optional). It’s like the person who developed this bland cereal forgot the very important step of putting a shitload of sugar in it, which is the equivalent of taking a piss without doing the necessary step of pulling down your pants or lifting up your skirt. The orangy and red star-shaped cereal pieces even have white specks all over them, which I thought was sugar, but didn’t make it sugary, so I’ll just assume the cereal has dry scalp and a bad case of dandruff. Shouldn’t the cereal that promotes a sugary sweet Disney movie be just as annoyingly sweet? Maybe I’m asking for too much, but I did ask for a nude picture of Vanessa Hudgens to end up on the internet and eventually one was posted, so why can’t I get a cereal with enough sugar to help me keep up with retiree mall walkers in the morning?

Buying this cereal is not only a bad idea because eating it feels like there’s a boring discussion of 18th century European economics going on in your mouth, it’s also a possible gateway item for much worse things your kid would want you to purchase. If you give into this, then they’ll next be asking for the High School Musical 3 soundtrack; then a DVD of the movie when it comes out four months later; and then they’ll be asking you to record the previous High School Musical movies playing on the Disney Channel on your TiVo, forcing you to delete the episodes of Heroes you haven’t gotten to yet because you’re too busy accommodating every whim from your demanding Disney-loving child, who ironically was conceived in a room at a Disney World Resort during some kinky Mickey and Minnie Mouse role playing. Before you know it, your kid is screaming at you because you ruined their sweet sixteen party that you allowed to be recorded for a reality show, because you bought them a Mercedes-Benz instead of a teal flying unicorn that does their homework and poops ancient Aztec gold, making you look like the worst parent in the world.

Although you could buy this for your child, they say “thank you,” and follow that up with a warm hug that melts your heart and makes you feel like the greatest parent in the world.

If you do decide to buy the cereal, let me know how that game of Russian Roulette goes.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 110 calories, 1 gram of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 35 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, a whole lot of vitamins and minerals, 2 future shitty pop singers, and 1 future College Musical trilogy.)

(Editor’s Note: I’m not the only one who thinks this cereal sucks. Also, here’s a movie review of High School Musical 3: Senior Year. Just in case you’re forced to see it.)

Item: Kellogg’s High School Musical Cereal
Price: $2.49
Size: 9 ounces
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Crunchy. No singing coming out from the box. Vitamins and minerals. Asking for a nude photo of Vanessa Hudgens to end up on the internet and getting it. Being the greatest parent in the world.
Cons: Bland. Box is kind of small compared with other sugary cereals. Not as sugary sweet as a High School Musical movie. White specks don’t seem to add anything to cereal. My overworked jazz hands. Being the worst parent in the world. Having to erase stuff on your TiVo you haven’t gotten around to watching yet.

REVIEW: Cocoa Puffs Combos

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I thought the idea of going cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs was preposterous, like the belief that eating Trix will turn you into a prostitute. For years, I ate the brown balls of naturally and artificially flavored sweetened corn cereal and nothing ever happened to me. There was no bouncing off walls, no instantaneous urges to hump mailboxes, no desire to walk around in nothing but a coconut bra and grass skirt, no yearning for yogurt baths, and no longing to stalk an F-list celebrity and become them by wearing their skin like a coat, all the while screaming at the top of my lungs, “I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!”

However, that changed one morning while partaking in a bowl of Cocoa Puffs and skim milk. I don’t know whether it was the whole grains in it or the fact I was eating it out of a bowl I made in the seventh grade that was coated in a lead-based glaze, but I suddenly went cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. One moment I was eating cereal and then the next moment I was dancing around my apartment in what I believe was a homemade cosplay outfit made out of wax paper, food coloring, cardboard boxes and a strategically placed wash cloth. Ever since that episode, I’ve stayed away from Cocoa Puffs, which disappointed me since I <3 Cocoa Puffs and the chocolatey milk it makes.

However, the folks at General Mills recently introduced a cereal called Cocoa Puffs Combos, which has not only naturally and artificially flavored chocolate cereal, but also naturally and artificially flavored vanilla cereal. I thought this was my opportunity to enjoy Cocoa Puffs again, albeit with a vanilla chaser that I hoped would lessen the cuckoo side effects. Take a look at the video below to see how that went.

Obviously, with the addition of the vanilla cereal, the Cocoa Puffs Combos was significantly less chocolatey than regular Cocoa Puffs. However, it wasn’t just the vanilla cereal causing this, which by the way, hardly had any vanilla flavor. The Cocoa Puffs Combos chocolate cereal wasn’t even being close to being as chocolatey as the cereal in regular Cocoa Puffs. It’s like the white vanilla cereal was keeping the brown chocolate cereal down.

Overall, the Cocoa Puffs Combos was disappointing because I expected it to be a little more chocolatey than it was and it didn’t lessen the effects of Cocoa Puffs to a non-embarrassing level. Not even the milk was worth drinking and every time I don’t drink my cereal milk, a dairy cow cries milk from its udder. Chocolate and vanilla may go great together as soft serve ice cream flavors or as a metaphor for interracial dating, but doesn’t do very well in this cereal.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup – 110 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 40 milligrams of potassium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 11 grams of other carbohydrates, 1 gram of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to the TIB reader who suggested we review Cocoa Puffs Combos. The reader didn’t leave their name, so no two seconds of internet fame for them.)

Item: Cocoa Puffs Combos
Price: $5.99
Size: 11.7 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Good for those who don’t like sweet cereal. Vitamins and minerals. Soft serve swirl. Regular Cocoa Puffs and the chocolatey milk it makes. Doesn’t make me cuckoo enough to do something REALLY embarrassing, just slightly embarrassing.
Cons: Not as chocolatey as I hoped. Less chocolate didn’t lessen the effects of Cocoa Puffs to a non-embarrassing level. Chocolate cereal was mediocre compared with regular Cocoa Puffs. Vanilla cereal wasn’t very vanilla. Going cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Me dancing in a dress and posting it on YouTube for the world to see.

Caramel Honey Bunches of Oats Just Bunches!

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When Post introduced the new Caramel Honey Bunches of Oats Just Bunches! cereal, I realized I no longer had a use for Sally (not her actual name, because I can’t pronounce her real name), the 8-year-old illegal immigrant Chinese girl I paid $1 a month to separate the bunches from my Honey Bunches of Oats cereal. Believe me it was worth the dollar to separate the flakes and the bunches in the cereal, because the bunches are the best part — they have all the flavor.

Some of you might be appalled by my blatant ignoring of child labor laws, but I will tell you that I treated Sally much better than she would have been treated in China. Not only did I pay her a dollar a month, I also let her eat all the Honey Bunches of Oats flakes she could eat, since I wasn’t eating them, but she had to provide her own milk, because I’m not a cow. I also taught her English by making her work in front of a television throughout the day. So far, she can say pretty well, “Survey says…” and “Come on down! You’re the next contestant on the Price is Right!”

When I showed Sally the box of Just Bunches! cereal and told her she was free to leave, she smiled and said, “cao ni zuzong shiba dai wonang fei” which at the time I thought it meant “thank you very much” in Chinese, but later found out that it really means, “Go fuck your ancestors to the eighteenth generation, loser.”

The Caramel Honey Bunches of Oats Just Bunches! cereal looks like I took a granola bar out of a hippie’s hands and beat them with it, causing the bar to break down into small pieces. The box it comes in is Grape Nuts-ish, which means it’s significantly smaller than most other cereal boxes because the cereal doesn’t take up much space, just like brains in the skulls of all contestants who are hoping to find love through a reality show. Because the bunches take up less space, I’m unable to determine what’s a good serving size without hauling out measuring cups. According to the box, there are eight 2/3 cup servings per box, but it took me four normal-to-me-sized bowls to eat all of it.

The cereal has a sticky, sweet smell and its caramel taste seemed very artificial, but neither of those were the most disturbing attributes of the Caramel Just Bunches! cereal. What was unsettling was its unnatural crunchiness after sitting in milk for ten minutes; its ability to turn skim milk brownish, a little thicker, and gross; and the use of a fucking exclamation point in its name. It’s a cereal, not a fucking energy drink.

As you can tell, I didn’t really care for the Caramel Honey Bunches of Oats Just Bunches! cereal, but there’s also a version with honey roasted bunches, just like the ones I paid Sally pick out, so maybe those will be better, but if not, I need to go find Sally and give her a 25 cent raise to encourage her to come back.

(Nutrition Facts – 2/3 cup – 250 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 3.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 135 milligrams of potassium, 43 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 14 grams of sugar, 25 grams of other carbohydrates, 5 grams of protein, a whole lot of vitamins and minerals, and one less illegal immigrant.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Jessica for recommending the Just Bunches! cereal. She now owes me protection from child labor laws.)

Item: Caramel Honey Bunches of Oats Just Bunches!
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 17 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Stays crunchy in milk. Vitamins and minerals. Monounsaturated and polyunsaturated fat. 4 grams of fiber. Paying someone a dollar per month to separate the bunches and the flakes in Honey Bunches of Oats cereal. Learning English through game shows.
Cons: Very artificial caramel flavor. Sticky, sweet smell. Turns milk gross. Enough in box for only four manly-sized bowls. Unnecessary use of an exclamation point in its name. Ignoring child labor laws.

REVIEW: Strawberry Chex

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The Strawberry Nesquik powder mix was a guilty pleasure of mine growing up. It was probably the only pink thing I enjoyed during my days of Underoos, Robotech cartoons and ColecoVision. I didn’t prefer it over Chocolate Nesquik, but it was nice to drink on occasion…on the down low. Because what little boy who doesn’t like to get beaten up would admit they enjoy the girly-colored Strawberry Nesquik. I’m not sure why I enjoyed it. Maybe it was its unnatural strawberry taste or unnatural Pepto-Bismol pink color or because when I drank it, it made me feel so alive…so alive.

Now that I’m older and don’t fit into my Underoos anymore, I’ve come across other guilty pleasures that have replaced Strawberry Nesquik — some legal and some illegal in certain states. Because I’m a big boy now, I need a big boy way to consume artificial, unnatural tasting strawberry goodness. Thankfully, Strawberry Chex fills my need, and apparently the need for the General Mills Corporation to make their Chex Cereal flavor choices seem less ethnic. Rice Chex? Chocolate Chex?

The Strawberry Chex cereal consists of oven toasted rice and corn cereal with 50 percent of the cereal having a powdery strawberry-flavored coating on them. I think the cereal was pretty tasty because it smelled and tasted like strawberry Pop-Tarts, although not as sticky sweet. In milk, the cereal got soggy at a normal pace and the cereal’s powdered flavoring gave the milk a slight strawberry flavor, which took me back to my younger days of hiding Strawberry Nesquik in my Return of the Jedi Thermos.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup – 130 calories, 2 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 35 milligrams of potassium, 26 grams of carbs, <1 gram of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 17 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, and many vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Strawberry Chex
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good. Tastes like strawberry Pop-Tarts. Milk turns slightly strawberry flavored. My Return of the Jedi Thermos. Strawberry Nesquik making me feel so alive. Robotech cartoons.
Cons: 50 percent of the cereal has the strawberry flavoring. Having to hide my guilty pleasure of Strawberry Nesquik. My current guilty pleasures. My Underoos don’t fit anymore.

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