REVIEW: Limited Edition Snickers Xtreme

If peanuts were the measurement of being xtreme, elephants would be doing Mountain Dew commercials and Mr. Peanut wouldn’t be wearing a top hat and holding a cane, instead he would be wearing a helmet, riding a skateboard, and constantly cracking his nuts (or himself) while trying to do railslides down a set of stairs.

The Limited Edition Snickers Xtreme has an xtreme amount of peanuts. As you can see in the picture below, it’s frickin’ full of peanuts. It’s perfect for someone who loves peanuts so much that if it were legal, they would marry them, despite the fact it would be REALLY difficult to consummate the marriage.

To figure out how much more xtreme Snickers Xtreme was than regular Snickers, I decided to dissect each candy bar like it was a frog in a biology class, a cadaver in an anatomy class, or a female contestant on The Bachelor.

However, before I started cutting open each candy bar, I thought just dissecting them wouldn’t be xtreme enough. After all, I was dealing with a Snickers Xtreme. So I decided to try and do an xtreme dissection that involved me blindfolded. underwater without oxygen, surrounded by sharks, and using a live swordfish as my cutting instrument. Unfortunately, the bill of a swordfish doesn’t cut very well, but does stab very well, and I can only hold my breath underwater for ten seconds, so I had to settle for a regular dissection.

As you can see in the picture above the inside of a Snickers Xtreme is nothing but an xtreme amount of peanuts and caramel. In order to make room for the xtreme amount of peanuts, the Snickers Xtreme no get nougat, which a regular Snickers has.

Get it? Nougat! No get! Hahahaha! Oh, I think I just caused each my former creative writing professors to die a little inside.

Despite the xtreme amount of peanuts, I thought the Snickers Xtreme didn’t have a strong peanut taste due to it being kind of drowned out by the xtreme amount caramel. Regular Snickers has peanut butter nougat, which probably would’ve helped with the peanut flavor, but it would probably be hard to try and stuff some in the Snickers Xtreme, since doing that is much like trying to put a hat on Donald Trump’s head, because his head is the size of a blimp and his toupee uses its strand to keep hats away.

There really isn’t anything else xtreme about the Snickers Xtreme itself. Its nutritional value is almost the same as a regular Snickers. A regular Snickers has 280 calories, 14 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 5 mg of cholesterol, 140 mg of sodium, 35 grams of carbs, 1 grams of fiber, 30 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein. A Snickers Xtreme has 290 calories, 16 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 10 mg of cholesterol, 110 mg of sodium, 33 grams of carbs, 2 grams of fiber, 27 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.

However, after eating a Snickers Xtreme my life became a little more xtreme. You would think the probability of my life getting more xtreme because of the Snickers Xtreme is about the same probability of having a good time with someone whose number you found in a public restroom, but for a short time the most mundane parts of my life became xtreme.

For example, eating ice cream. After eating the Snickers Xtreme, I wasn’t chowing down on my favorite dairy product with a spoon, instead I took it to the xtreme by eating it with a ladle. My ironing was even taken to the xtreme. I didn’t just iron on my ironing board, I ironed on top of my ironing board, riding it like a surfboard with me ironing my clothes while wearing them.

Now that’s xtreme!

Item: Limited Edition Snickers Xtreme
Price: 59 cents
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good. More peanuts, if you LOVE peanuts and want to be together through sickness and in health.. Kinda crunchy. Temporarily made mundane parts of my life xtreme. Eating ice cream with a ladle. Xtreme ironing.
Cons: More peanuts, if you’re allergic to peanuts. Despite an xtreme amount of peanuts, it didn’t have a strong peanut taste. No get nougat. Not really more xtreme than regular Snickers. Not being able to do an xtreme dissection. Xcessive use of the word “xtreme” in this review. Donald Trump’s toupee.

REVIEW: Gatorade A.M. Tropical Mango

I think I’ve long passed the stage when I would lose fluids during sleep, because I don’t use disposable plastic sheets or diapers anymore and I no longer sweat from the nightmares I used to have that consisted of me auditioning for American Idol by singing the Boyz II Men song “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday,” but I’m auditioning as that guy who was the least attractive member of the 1990s R&B group Color Me Badd.

Yes, the long haired dude that kind of looked like Kenny G.

However, according to the bottle of Gatorade A.M. Tropical Mango I’ve been chugging from for the past two mornings, I apparently lose fluids and energy while I sleep. Here’s what it said:

Gatorade A.M. helps put back the fluids and energy you lose during a full night’s sleep. It’s the same scientifically proven formula in flavors designed for the morning.

I don’t know if I truly lose fluids while I’m asleep, but I do know that when I sleep, I’m losing five to eight hours of my life that I’ll never get back and that upsets me. I think this feeling is much like what most people go through after watching an episode of the ABC “sitcom” According to Jim.

That’s five to eight hours I could be using to do things I enjoy, like cooking a fine Italian meal with a bottle of Ragu sauce, sucking the helium from balloons and reciting lines from Star Wars, making meth in my shower, constructing paper clip chains, organizing my vast boxer collection by color, seeing how many bowls of different cereals it takes to equal the nutritional value in one bowl of Total cereal, having blind taste tests between all the variations of Coke and Pepsi, perfecting the “richness” of my “custard” in my “Creme brulee,” and organizing my vast boxer brief collection by testicle snugness.

I wish the scientists at Gatorade would create a version of Gatorade which helps me put back the hours I lose during a full night’s sleep. Perhaps they could call it Gatorade T.M., which would stand for “time machine.” That would be more impressive than Gatorade A.M.

I may not believe I lose fluids when I’m asleep, but usually right after I wake up I definitely lose a lot of fluids when I unbutton my pajama pants, unleash my “Mothra,” and “shoot my silk spray into Tokyo.”

After I’m done, I think then I could use some Gatorade A.M. to help replace the fluids I just lost “shooting Tokyo with my silk spray.” But if you think about it, if I drank half a bottle of Gatorade A.M. to put back the fluids I lost during sleep or “spraying Tokyo,” I’m pretty sure 30-60 minutes later I’m going to have the urge to lose the fluids I just consumed.

Drinking Gatorade A.M. every morning for the past few days didn’t seem to improve my mornings better than my usual morning beverages, either water, milk, orange juice, apple juice, or whatever energy drink is sitting in my fridge mixed with vodka. The tropical mango flavor was good, but didn’t really taste like mango and it was also surprisingly sweet for a Gatorade.

Adding caffeine to the Gatorade A.M. would’ve probably made it better and help it become a true morning beverage that could get me through my repetitive morning rituals, but drinking it every morning to replace the fluids I lost during sleep would probably get expensive, like excessive magazine subscriptions, shopping at Neiman Marcus, or disposable plastic sheets.

Item: Gatorade A.M. Tropical Mango
Price: $1.79 (32-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good tropical mango flavor. Helps replace the fluids lost during sleep and after peeing. Helium. Organized underwear.
Cons: Kinda too sweet for a sports drink. Didn’t really taste like mango, so I guess I cannot have The Mango. Losing valuable hours while I sleep. According to Jim. My nightmares of me auditioning for American Idol as the homely guy from Color Me Badd.

Limited Edition Nestle Nesquik Cookies ‘n Milk Milkshake

Just like Bert and Ernie, cookies and milk are two things that are synonymous with the action of dipping one into the other.

This is why cookies and milk are two things that go great together, like peanut butter and chocolate, Penn and Teller, and Rosie O’Donnell or Donald Trump and a muzzle. Although, when you think about it, cookies and milk are two things that shouldn’t belong together. After all, “milk does a body good” and cookies does a body much like Star Jones before the gastric bypass surgery.

I don’t know when I learned to dip my cookies in milk or who taught it to me, but all I know is that it’s very delicious, unless you’re lactose intolerant, then it’s probably diarrheariffic. However, I didn’t always associate cookies with milk.

When I was a really young diaper-wearing poop machine, cookies were not the thing I associated milk with. Instead, the only thing my feeble, still developing mind could associate with milk were breasts. Then when I got a little older, but still was a diaper-wearing poop machine, breasts were replaced with plastic bottles that had rubber nipples I could chew on.

Then when I got even older and ate mostly solid foods, but now a bed wetting machine, plastic bottles were probably replaced with cookies. Then when I reached puberty and started growing hair in places I didn’t think it would, but now a nocturnal emission spewing machine, it was back to breasts and also cookies.

Today, thanks to my expanding waistline and my addiction to internet porn, I don’t eat cookies and milk very often. However, I did recently have cookies and milk, but in the form of the Limited Edition Nestle Nesquik Cookies ‘n Milk Milkshake.

Yes, it’s another limited edition product, which makes the number of limited edition products not so limited, but what’s worse is the promise I made to myself due to the insane number of limited edition products out there. I told myself that if Nesquik came out with a limited edition chocolate milk to add to the influx of limited edition products, I was going to punch an elderly man in the face. Now I have to find an elderly man and punch him in the face.

Thanks Nesquik!

Anyway, before I head off to the next AARP meeting, I have to tell you that the Limited Edition Nestle Nesquik Cookies ‘n Milk Milkshake doesn’t taste like cookies and milk… or cookies… or milk.. or a milkshake… or Cookie Monster’s puke after a cookie binge. Instead it tasted like a cold version of hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows, which isn’t bad, but isn’t good since “Cookies ‘n Milk” is prominently printed several times on the bottle.

Despite not tasting like cookies and milk, with 360 calories, six grams of saturated fat, two grams of dietary fiber, 48 grams of sugar, 16 grams of protein, and some vitamins and minerals in an entire bottle, its nutritional value is about the same as eating actual cookies and drinking milk.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I hear canes, walkers, and motorized wheelchairs calling me. If you happen to hear the words, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up,” that will probably be Nesquik’s fault.

Item: Limited Edition Nestle Nesquik Cookies ‘n Milk Milkshake
Price: $2.69 (13.5 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: It’s limited edition. Tastes like hot chocolate and marshmallows. 16 grams of protein per bottle. Vitamins and minerals. No longer a diaper wearing poop machine, bed wetting machine, or a nocturnal emission spewing machine. Peanut butter and chocolate. Breasts.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like cookies and milk. It’s not a milkshake, because it doesn’t bring all the boys to the yard. And they’re like it’s not better than yours. Damn right, it’s not better than yours. Expensive when purchased from 7-Eleven. The number of limited edition products. My internet porn addiction. My expanding waistline. Having to punch a elderly man in the face.

WTF!!! Enough With The Limited Edition Candy Bar Product Review Poll!!!

Limited Edition candy bars are as common as Paris Hilton nipple slip pictures. With both of these things, you know you’re going to see them, but you just don’t know when.

Anyway, I recently picked up THREE limited edition candy bars from the convenience store down the street and I thought this would be another great opportunity to have another product review poll, where you get to vote for what product TIB reviews next. Your vote is like a puppet string telling me what to do.

Here are the three limited edition candy bars you will be able to vote for:

1. Snickers Xtreme (Note: When you say “Xtreme” you have to say it while holding a rock ‘n roll hand sign)

2. Twix Triple Chocolate

3. Snickers Dark

The candy bar with the most votes will be declared the winner. The winner will be reviewed and the other candidates will just be added to my gut or ass — it’s really up to my body. To vote, just leave a comment for this post with your choice. Only one choice and vote per person.

I’ll be accepting votes until Sunday, January 21st (11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time). Sometime shortly after that, I’ll post the review of the winning product.

Now go vote like you’re a member of Congress voting for an increase in the minimum wage.

Final Results:
Snickers Xtreme – 35
Twix Triple Chocolate – 33
Snickers Dark – 10

Thanks to everyone who participated!

Oh yeah, one last thing for those of you in San Francisco.

I’m going to be in the San Francisco area from February 15th to February 21st and I was wondering if there are any TIB readers who would like to hang out one night. Right now, I don’t know what my entire schedule is going to be like. I’ll be spending some of my time in Tahoe, but I’m hoping that I’ll have a few free nights in San Francisco.

If you’re interested in hanging out with a quasi-product review blog editor, let me know using the contact page.

McDonald’s Banana Pie

Isn’t technology great?

Thanks to people who make way more money that I do — the engineers and scientists who advance society — computers have gotten faster, cell phones have gotten smaller, hard drives have gotten larger, sex dolls have gotten more realistic (kind of SFW), and robots have come even closer to making human beings their slaves.

It doesn’t seem like it was too long ago when cell phones were the size of a concrete brick, gave off enough radiation to cook a hot dog, and to talk on it would cost about the same amount per minute as any 1-900 number found in the back of Juggs or Booty Magazine.

Today, cell phones can easily fit in a pocket, can play music, take scantily clad pictures of yourself to post on your MySpace or blog, and thanks to small wireless Bluetooth earpieces, they can also make you look like a crazy person talking to yourself.

Cell phones are a more recent technology, but even one of the pillars of home entertainment — the television — has seen dramatic improvement over the decades of its existence. When I was growing up, televisions came in black and white or color, screen were small, knobs were used to change channels, and PBS had Monty Python and occasional nudity.

Televisions today can come in sizes greater than 100 inches and show a vivid color picture in high-definition which allows you to see blades of grass blowing on a football field or the wrinkles on Larry King’s face that show the number of times he’s been married (It works much like how the rings in a tree can determine its age).

Advances in technology doesn’t stop with just consumer electronics and sex dolls, it’s been also seen in the fast food industry. Burgers have gotten bigger, french fries have gotten fryer, cup sizes have gotten taller, the waists of fast food eaters have gotten wider, and Happy Meals have gotten happier.

However, there has been one area in the fast food industry that hasn’t seen many technological advances — fast food pie technology. Over the years, the only change the McDonald’s Apple Pie has seen in its almost 40-year history was having the fried version replaced with a baked one in 1992. Although despite it being baked, along with Nick Nolte and Tara Reid, today’s McDonald’s Apple Pie is probably the only other thing in existence that is really baked, but looked fried.

Recently, other people who make way more money than me — chefs, nutritionists, and pieologists — have taken the apple out of the McDonald’s Apple Pie and replaced it with exotic fruits like, cherries, taro, and bananas.

Recently, I ate the McDonald’s Banana Pie, which was apparently available for a limited time at participating McDonald’s, because it doesn’t seem to be around anymore. From the outside it looked like a normal fried McDonald’s Apple Pie, but inside was the potassium-rich goodness of bananas, which is also the number one cause of accidents in cartoons.

The pie itself was good and sweet and the bananas inside weren’t mushy at all, but despite it being tasty, I don’t know if just replacing the fruit in a McDonald’s pie is enough of an advancement in fast food pie technology. I was hoping for a bigger pie, a pie that heats itself, or a pie that can make itself a la mode.

Item: McDonald’s Banana Pie
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Tasty and sweet. Crispy. Potassium from bananas. Bananas weren’t mushy. Advances in sex doll technology.
Cons: Fried not baked. For a limited time. No major advances in fast food pie technology. Cartoon accidents caused by banana peels.