Archive | January, 2007

Limited Edition Snickers Xtreme

Written by | January 31, 2007

Topics: 3 Rating, Candy, Food, Snacks

If peanuts were the measurement of being xtreme, elephants would be doing Mountain Dew commercials and Mr. Peanut wouldn’t be wearing a top hat and holding a cane, instead he would be wearing a helmet, riding a skateboard, and constantly cracking his nuts (or himself) while trying to do railslides down a set of stairs.

The Limited Edition Snickers Xtreme has an xtreme amount of peanuts. As you can see in the picture below, it’s frickin’ full of peanuts. It’s perfect for someone who loves peanuts so much that if it were legal, they would marry them, despite the fact it would be REALLY difficult to consummate the marriage.

To figure out how much more xtreme Snickers Xtreme was than regular Snickers, I decided to dissect each candy bar like it was a frog in a biology class, a cadaver in an anatomy class, or a female contestant on The Bachelor.

However, before I started cutting open each candy bar, I thought just dissecting them wouldn’t be xtreme enough. After all, I was dealing with a Snickers Xtreme. So I decided to try and do an xtreme dissection that involved me blindfolded. underwater without oxygen, surrounded by sharks, and using a live swordfish as my cutting instrument. Unfortunately, the bill of a swordfish doesn’t cut very well, but does stab very well, and I can only hold my breath underwater for ten seconds, so I had to settle for a regular dissection.

As you can see in the picture above the inside of a Snickers Xtreme is nothing but an xtreme amount of peanuts and caramel. In order to make room for the xtreme amount of peanuts, the Snickers Xtreme no get nougat, which a regular Snickers has.

Get it? Nougat! No get! Hahahaha! Oh, I think I just caused each my former creative writing professors to die a little inside.

Despite the xtreme amount of peanuts, I thought the Snickers Xtreme didn’t have a strong peanut taste due to it being kind of drowned out by the xtreme amount caramel. Regular Snickers has peanut butter nougat, which probably would’ve helped with the peanut flavor, but it would probably be hard to try and stuff some in the Snickers Xtreme, since doing that is much like trying to put a hat on Donald Trump’s head, because his head is the size of a blimp and his toupee uses its strand to keep hats away.

There really isn’t anything else xtreme about the Snickers Xtreme itself. Its nutritional value is almost the same as a regular Snickers. A regular Snickers has 280 calories, 14 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 5 mg of cholesterol, 140 mg of sodium, 35 grams of carbs, 1 grams of fiber, 30 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein. A Snickers Xtreme has 290 calories, 16 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 10 mg of cholesterol, 110 mg of sodium, 33 grams of carbs, 2 grams of fiber, 27 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.

However, after eating a Snickers Xtreme my life became a little more xtreme. You would think the probability of my life getting more xtreme because of the Snickers Xtreme is about the same probability of having a good time with someone whose number you found in a public restroom, but for a short time the most mundane parts of my life became xtreme.

For example, eating ice cream. After eating the Snickers Xtreme, I wasn’t chowing down on my favorite dairy product with a spoon, instead I took it to the xtreme by eating it with a ladle. My ironing was even taken to the xtreme. I didn’t just iron on my ironing board, I ironed on top of my ironing board, riding it like a surfboard with me ironing my clothes while wearing them.

Now that’s xtreme!

(Editor’s Note: Of course, for more candy reviews go check out Candy Addict, Candy Blog, and Candy Recapper.)

Item: Limited Edition Snickers Xtreme
Price: 59 cents
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good. More peanuts, if you LOVE peanuts and want to be together through sickness and in health.. Kinda crunchy. Temporarily made mundane parts of my life xtreme. Eating ice cream with a ladle. Xtreme ironing.
Cons: More peanuts, if you’re allergic to peanuts. Despite an xtreme amount of peanuts, it didn’t have a strong peanut taste. No get nougat. Not really more xtreme than regular Snickers. Not being able to do an xtreme dissection. Xcessive use of the word “xtreme” in this review. Donald Trump’s toupee.

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Crazy Visitor Email #4

Written by | January 28, 2007

Topics: Crazy Visitor Emails

Here’s another Crazy Visitor Email to read. This time the visitor thinks I’m part of the Unilever Corporation, which produces the wonderful Degree deodorant that turns up its protection when risks are taken. I don’t know if Degree deodorant truly does this because I don’t take risks. Well at least that’s what my last girlfriend said while she was explaining why she was breaking up with me. Now that I think about it, so did my girlfriend before her, and the one before her.

Dammit! I see a pattern here. So ladies, if you ever become so desperate that you have to date me, please remind me to take risks.

Anyway, the visitor probably read TIB’s review of a Degree deodorant posted a couple of years ago.

The name has been changed to protect the ignorant. All spelling and grammatical errors have NOT been changed, because it’s funny to read.

From: Bill
Date: November 19, 2006
Subject: Degree deordorant
I bought the Degree deordorant and the first time I used it the turn screw which is plastic broke on the bottom now the stick doesnot stay in its holder.If you wish I will mail it back to you.Please advise. Thank you (Bill’s mailing address removed)

The reply I wanted to send:

Dear Bill,

Congratulations you have discovered one of our new deodorant dispensers with our patent-pending body odor measuring technology. We really want to call this technology S.T.I.N.K., but we can’t think of the proper words to match with each individual letter. Right now, the only letters we have words for are “S” and “T” which stands for “Smell” and “Technology,” respectively.

What our patent-pending body odor measuring technology does is determine how much body odor you are emitting. Since there isn’t any scientific measurement for body odor, we’ve come up with our own way of measuring it…using hobos and a stuffy railroad box car.

The breaking of the turn screw on the bottom of your dispenser is not a defect, but a result of our patent-pending body odor measuring technology. In order to break the turn screw your armpit must be emitting the stink of at least eight hobos in a stuffy railroad box car. When the turn screw breaks, it lets us know, but most importantly, it lets you know, that no deodorant can help you with your horrible, putrid body odor.

We recommend you see a doctor about it and don’t raise your arms above your head until you do.

Thank you for your email!

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Gatorade A.M. Tropical Mango

Written by | January 24, 2007

Topics: 3 Rating, Beverage, Gatorade

I think I’ve long passed the stage when I would lose fluids during sleep, because I don’t use disposable plastic sheets or diapers anymore and I no longer sweat from the nightmares I used to have that consisted of me auditioning for American Idol by singing the Boyz II Men song “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday,” but I’m auditioning as that guy who was the least attractive member of the 1990s R&B group Color Me Badd.

Yes, the long haired dude that kind of looked like Kenny G.

However, according to the bottle of Gatorade A.M. Tropical Mango I’ve been chugging from for the past two mornings, I apparently lose fluids and energy while I sleep. Here’s what it said:

Gatorade A.M. helps put back the fluids and energy you lose during a full night’s sleep. It’s the same scientifically proven formula in flavors designed for the morning.

I don’t know if I truly lose fluids while I’m asleep, but I do know that when I sleep, I’m losing five to eight hours of my life that I’ll never get back and that upsets me. I think this feeling is much like what most people go through after watching an episode of the ABC “sitcom” According to Jim.

That’s five to eight hours I could be using to do things I enjoy, like cooking a fine Italian meal with a bottle of Ragu sauce, sucking the helium from balloons and reciting lines from Star Wars, making meth in my shower, constructing paper clip chains, organizing my vast boxer collection by color, seeing how many bowls of different cereals it takes to equal the nutritional value in one bowl of Total cereal, having blind taste tests between all the variations of Coke and Pepsi, perfecting the “richness” of my “custard” in my “Creme brulee,” and organizing my vast boxer brief collection by testicle snugness.

I wish the scientists at Gatorade would create a version of Gatorade which helps me put back the hours I lose during a full night’s sleep. Perhaps they could call it Gatorade T.M., which would stand for “time machine.” That would be more impressive than Gatorade A.M.

I may not believe I lose fluids when I’m asleep, but usually right after I wake up I definitely lose a lot of fluids when I unbutton my pajama pants, unleash my “Mothra,” and “shoot my silk spray into Tokyo.”

After I’m done, I think then I could use some Gatorade A.M. to help replace the fluids I just lost “shooting Tokyo with my silk spray.” But if you think about it, if I drank half a bottle of Gatorade A.M. to put back the fluids I lost during sleep or “spraying Tokyo,” I’m pretty sure 30-60 minutes later I’m going to have the urge to lose the fluids I just consumed.

Drinking Gatorade A.M. every morning for the past few days didn’t seem to improve my mornings better than my usual morning beverages, either water, milk, orange juice, apple juice, or whatever energy drink is sitting in my fridge mixed with vodka. The tropical mango flavor was good, but didn’t really taste like mango and it was also surprisingly sweet for a Gatorade.

Adding caffeine to the Gatorade A.M. would’ve probably made it better and help it become a true morning beverage that could get me through my repetitive morning rituals, but drinking it every morning to replace the fluids I lost during sleep would probably get expensive, like excessive magazine subscriptions, shopping at Neiman Marcus, or disposable plastic sheets.

Item: Gatorade A.M. Tropical Mango
Price: $1.79 (32-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good tropical mango flavor. Helps replace the fluids lost during sleep and after peeing. Helium. Organized underwear.
Cons: Kinda too sweet for a sports drink. Didn’t really taste like mango, so I guess I cannot have The Mango. Losing valuable hours while I sleep. According to Jim. My nightmares of me auditioning for American Idol as the homely guy from Color Me Badd.

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Limited Edition Nestle Nesquik Cookies ‘n Milk Milkshake

Written by | January 21, 2007

Topics: 3 Rating, Beverage

Just like Bert and Ernie, cookies and milk are two things that are synonymous with the action of dipping one into the other.

This is why cookies and milk are two things that go great together, like peanut butter and chocolate, Penn and Teller, and Rosie O’Donnell or Donald Trump and a muzzle. Although, when you think about it, cookies and milk are two things that shouldn’t belong together. After all, “milk does a body good” and cookies does a body much like Star Jones before the gastric bypass surgery.

I don’t know when I learned to dip my cookies in milk or who taught it to me, but all I know is that it’s very delicious, unless you’re lactose intolerant, then it’s probably diarrheariffic. However, I didn’t always associate cookies with milk.

When I was a really young diaper-wearing poop machine, cookies were not the thing I associated milk with. Instead, the only thing my feeble, still developing mind could associate with milk were breasts. Then when I got a little older, but still was a diaper-wearing poop machine, breasts were replaced with plastic bottles that had rubber nipples I could chew on.

Then when I got even older and ate mostly solid foods, but now a bed wetting machine, plastic bottles were probably replaced with cookies. Then when I reached puberty and started growing hair in places I didn’t think it would, but now a nocturnal emission spewing machine, it was back to breasts and also cookies.

Today, thanks to my expanding waistline and my addiction to internet porn, I don’t eat cookies and milk very often. However, I did recently have cookies and milk, but in the form of the Limited Edition Nestle Nesquik Cookies ‘n Milk Milkshake.

Yes, it’s another limited edition product, which makes the number of limited edition products not so limited, but what’s worse is the promise I made to myself due to the insane number of limited edition products out there. I told myself that if Nesquik came out with a limited edition chocolate milk to add to the influx of limited edition products, I was going to punch an elderly man in the face. Now I have to find an elderly man and punch him in the face.

Thanks Nesquik!

Anyway, before I head off to the next AARP meeting, I have to tell you that the Limited Edition Nestle Nesquik Cookies ‘n Milk Milkshake doesn’t taste like cookies and milk… or cookies… or milk.. or a milkshake… or Cookie Monster’s puke after a cookie binge. Instead it tasted like a cold version of hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows, which isn’t bad, but isn’t good since “Cookies ‘n Milk” is prominently printed several times on the bottle.

Despite not tasting like cookies and milk, with 360 calories, six grams of saturated fat, two grams of dietary fiber, 48 grams of sugar, 16 grams of protein, and some vitamins and minerals in an entire bottle, its nutritional value is about the same as eating actual cookies and drinking milk.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I hear canes, walkers, and motorized wheelchairs calling me. If you happen to hear the words, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up,” that will probably be Nesquik’s fault.

Item: Limited Edition Nestle Nesquik Cookies ‘n Milk Milkshake
Price: $2.69 (13.5 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: It’s limited edition. Tastes like hot chocolate and marshmallows. 16 grams of protein per bottle. Vitamins and minerals. No longer a diaper wearing poop machine, bed wetting machine, or a nocturnal emission spewing machine. Peanut butter and chocolate. Breasts.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like cookies and milk. It’s not a milkshake, because it doesn’t bring all the boys to the yard. And they’re like it’s not better than yours. Damn right, it’s not better than yours. Expensive when purchased from 7-Eleven. The number of limited edition products. My internet porn addiction. My expanding waistline. Having to punch a elderly man in the face.

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WTF!!! Enough With The Limited Edition Candy Bar Product Review Poll!!!

Written by | January 16, 2007

Topics: General

Limited Edition candy bars are as common as Paris Hilton nipple slip pictures. With both of these things, you know you’re going to see them, but you just don’t know when.

Anyway, I recently picked up THREE limited edition candy bars from the convenience store down the street and I thought this would be another great opportunity to have another product review poll, where you get to vote for what product TIB reviews next. Your vote is like a puppet string telling me what to do.

Here are the three limited edition candy bars you will be able to vote for:

1. Snickers Xtreme (Note: When you say “Xtreme” you have to say it while holding a rock ‘n roll hand sign)

2. Twix Triple Chocolate

3. Snickers Dark

The candy bar with the most votes will be declared the winner. The winner will be reviewed and the other candidates will just be added to my gut or ass — it’s really up to my body. To vote, just leave a comment for this post with your choice. Only one choice and vote per person.

I’ll be accepting votes until Sunday, January 21st (11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time). Sometime shortly after that, I’ll post the review of the winning product.

Now go vote like you’re a member of Congress voting for an increase in the minimum wage.

Final Results:
Snickers Xtreme – 35
Twix Triple Chocolate – 33
Snickers Dark – 10

Thanks to everyone who participated!

Oh yeah, one last thing for those of you in San Francisco.

I’m going to be in the San Francisco area from February 15th to February 21st and I was wondering if there are any TIB readers who would like to hang out one night. Right now, I don’t know what my entire schedule is going to be like. I’ll be spending some of my time in Tahoe, but I’m hoping that I’ll have a few free nights in San Francisco.

If you’re interested in hanging out with a quasi-product review blog editor, let me know using the contact page.

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