REVIEW: Java Monster

Java Monster

I’ve never been in prison — unless watching an episode of the HBO series Oz counts — but Mean Bean, Big Black, and Loca Moca sound like nicknames of people who would rape you in a prison shower, but they’re actually the flavors of the new Java Monster premium coffee drinks.

For those of you who are regular energy drink drinkers, Monster is most likely a familiar name because you’ve probably drank from one of their cans for liquid energy sustenance during either a 24-hour Halo 2 session, a History 151 final exam cram session, or while accidently listening to New Age music.

With their Java Monster coffee drinks, they’ve taken 1,000 milligrams of taurine, 200 milligrams of Panax Ginseng, and their “energy blend” found in their popular energy drinks, which consists of L-Carnitine, Glucose, Caffeine, Guarana, Inositol, Glucuronolactone, and Maltodextrin, and stuffed it into a coffee drink, like Rosie putting on spandex.

With 120 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 20 grams of carbs, 19 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 20% of calcium, and 100% of your recommended daily allowances of Vitamin C, riboflavin, Niacin, Vitamin B6, and Vitamin B12 the Java Monster coffee drinks have about the same nutritional values as their colorful Monster Energy Drink cousins.

On the can of Java Monster, it says it contains half the caffeine of regular coffee, but twice the buzz, which slightly concerned me since I’m a huge proponent of caffeine and would probably snort it using rolled up hundred dollar bills if given the option.

Oh wait. That’s cocaine. I’m sorry. I got my drugs that start with the letter C mixed up.

If Java Monster gives twice the buzz, I wonder if I could triple or quadruple the buzz by drinking a Java Monster while either sniffing rubber cement, inhaling the gas that comes out of canned whipped cream, or painting my bathroom canary yellow without a mask and then passing out on the floor?

Of course, I could try to do all of that at the same time while drinking a Java Monster, but I’m not Lindsay Lohan.

Despite not having as much caffeine as regular coffee, the Java Monster did give me a nice boost of energy and did it with a great taste. All the flavors had a delicious even balance of coffee and cream flavor that was really easy to drink. They weren’t too sweet, nor were they too bitter.

However, just like choosing which of Hugh Hefner’s three girlfriends I like best — because they all look alike and probably have the same STDs from Hef — it’s hard to choose which Java Monster flavor I prefer, since they pretty much all taste the same.

Item: Java Monster
Price: $1.99 each (15 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Great tasting. Despite not having as much caffeine as regular coffee, it does give a nice energy boost. Easy to drink. Uses reduced fat milk. Big 15-ounce cans.
Cons: They taste all the same. Flavor names sound like prison inmate nicknames. Only half the caffeine of regular coffee. Rosie putting on spandex. Accidently listening to New Age music. Having sex with Hugh Hefner.

23 thoughts on “REVIEW: Java Monster

  1. all these energy drink things… hmm. i drink one and it does nothing for me!

    the cans are somewhat scary-looking.

    also, the name “big black” is so horrifying and inappropriate. although. my mind is in the gutter, so…

  2. I drink Monster like it’s my job. Wait… I drink it so I can stay upright and awake at my job. I think I might be working so I can afford it. Damn double-edged sword.

    These look pretty cool, though.

  3. Since you rarely give out 5’s, I think I will try one of these when I see it…but I haven’t seen any at my local convenience store yet. I think it would have been an even better drink if they had double the amount of caffeine of regular coffee.

  4. I’m just too devoted to Red Bull (Sugar Free) to stray. The taste is addictive, in a sour, face scrunching, eye squinting kinda way. If I wanted something with “java” in the name, I want it to be overpriced from Starbucks.

  5. I think that Hef is too old to have STDs – STDs typically aren’t golddiggers and nobody or nothing else is going to willing hang around Hef’s Little Hef.

  6. Tamara – Your blood must be pure caffeine.

    webmiztris – If you steal them, they’re frickin’ cheap.

    Diana – I wish drinking Monster was my job. But after awhile my bosses would have to tie me to a bolted down chair since I would be a twitching nervous wreck from all the caffeine.

    Chuck – Although I love sweet, sweet caffeine, I think the caffeine might’ve compromised the taste of it.

    Buffy – Don’t forget you have to also wait in line for Starbucks and remember to say tall, venti, or grande.

    Erika – No, now that you mention it, they do look prehistoric, if they had aluminum during the prehistoric ages. ;-)

    Sep – Man, then what’s the point of having three girlfriends. Just like Peter Gibbons I would totally pay to do it with two chicks at the same time.

    Clevegal42 – He does take Viagra. I think he buys Viagra from Costco in bulk.

    Melanie – Just temporary high blood pressure from the caffeine.

  7. These are seriously the best things I’ve ever drank in my life. You are right in saying they all taste the same, but they are equally awesome.

  8. I had them this week. The big black is a little more bitter than the others. Mean Bean is the best. Mocha is chocolately kind of like yoohoo. Good stuff, Monster original is still the best!

  9. Diana – I also get sleepy while listening to reggae music. It’s the strangest thing.

    Jenna – For some reason I keep picking up the Big Black one.

    Jay – Yes, original Monster is definitely one of the best. Also, I still don’t know why Red Bull is still the number one energy drink.

    Mean Black Loca – All three.

  10. I have tried all three monsters…the Mean Bean, tastes just like Starbucks. No line and cost less…guess where I’ll be getting my BUZZ!…the other two are good(Loca Moca & Big Black)

  11. Travis – I’ve been mostly buying the Big Black one, so I guess it’s true what they say. Once you go black, you never go back…unless they’re out of stock and I have to settle for Mean Bean or Loca Moca.

  12. I’m drinking a Java Monster (Mean Bean) right now! Delicious, refreshing, and definitely energizing!

  13. How would you compare the taste to the bottled Frappuccinos or ItoEn canned coffee? Pre-made coffee sort of creeps me out…

  14. ARG…. I love the Mean Bean and the Loca Mocha… but I have only found one place to buy them near where I live (Pasadena, TX), and it is 30-45 minutes away in Webster. Anyone know where I can get them cloaser to home, like Pasadena, or La Porte (since I work there)? Any place would be excellent, although I am attempting to talk a local store into stocking them… guaranteed them that I would buy at LEAST 10/week. Crap… gotta crash… gotta go to webster in the morning ;)

  15. Tazman727 – This probably won’t make you feel better, but I can easily get my hands on it by walking 100 yards from my front door to the convenience store down the street. Actually, it’s kind of hard because I’m lazy.

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