Month: August 2005

REVIEW: Mountain Dew Pitch Black 2

Marvo 36 Comments

Pitch Black II

Over the years, there have been many movies that have been as entertaining as a monkey juggling its own poop while peddling a tricycle through hoops of fire.

But the sequels to those movies have burned me and my wallet, because they were as entertaining as watching water boil, watching grass grow, or listening to Madonna speak about a noble cause.

For example, there’s Caddyshack and Caddyshack 2. Caddyshack is probably the greatest movie about golf ever, while Caddyshack 2 is probably the worst movie about golf ever.

Then there was Speed and Speed 2: Cruise Control.

How bad was Speed 2?

Let me put it this way, Speed 2 was so bad that I actually uttered the eleven words that I never thought would come out of my mouth, “I think Keanu Reeves’ crappy acting would’ve made this movie better.”

Finally, there’s Sweatin’ To The Oldies and Sweatin’ To The Oldies 2.

What was so bad about Sweatin’ To The Oldies 2?

Well, besides more songs that were made waaay before I was born, I think Richard Simmons’ shorts in the sequel were shorter than usual, and if you know how short they usually are, then you know that if they got any shorter, it wouldn’t be a pretty sight.

Because I can only take so much glittery and shimmery manliness.

So with all of these crappy experiences with sequels, I was hesitant to try the new limited edition Mountain Dew Pitch Black 2, which is the sequel to last year’s original Mountain Dew Pitch Black.

If you aren’t familiar with the original Mountain Dew Pitch Black, you can read the Impulsive Buy’s review of it here or if your carpal tunnel is acting up and isn’t allowing you to click anything, I’ll just tell you that it has the same caffeine goodness as regular Mountain Dew, except with a blast of grape flavor.

Also it’s not really pitch black, it’s more like goth purple.

The only difference between Pitch Black 2 and the original Pitch Black is the sour bite, which the original lacked. Personally, I kind of like it better without the bite, but Pitch Black 2 is still good.

However, just like all Mountain Dew variations, Pitch Black 2 doesn’t make me want to do anything extreme, like jump out of a plane, do a backflip on a motorcycle, or jump over the Great Wall of China with a skateboard.

Also, just like last year, Mountain Dew Pitch Black 2 will only be around for a limited time. But thank goodness it will be around longer than the number of days Baby Geniuses 2 spent in theaters.

Item: Mountain Dew Pitch Black 2
Purchase Price: $1.39 (20-ounce)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good grape taste. Same amount of caffeine as regular Mountain Dew. A monkey juggling its own poop while peddling a tricycle through hoops of fire.
Cons: Limited Edition. I prefer the original version, without the sour bite. Caddyshack 2, Speed 2, Baby Geniuses 2, and both Sweatin’ To The Oldies. Listening to Madonna speak about a noble cause.

Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie

Marvo 23 Comments

Slammers Starburst Smoothie

(Editor’s Note: Sorry for not posting a review yesterday. I had to study for a drug test so I can get this job I want. Don’t worry I passed…Barely.)

Sometimes I wonder, “What kind of person would I be today without Starburst candy?”

Starburst taught me at a young age that sharing is caring, except when it comes to farts and sexually transmitted diseases. With its individually wrapped pieces, I was easily able to share a pack of Starburst with my siblings, friends, and my imaginary friend Wabu, who I thought was crazy because he kept telling me that Sesame Street was just a long Chinese restaurant commercial.

My lessons in sharing were also reinforced by watching Care Bears cartoons and listening to the words of Share Bear, as I fought with my sister for the remote control so I wouldn’t have to watch Care Bears cartoons.

Starburst also taught me the lesson of rationing. Being stuck at Boy Scout camp for a week and having only one pack of Starburst, I had to learn to make it last. I accomplished this by setting a limit on how many Starbursts I could eat in a day.

Of course, being that I learned sharing at an earlier age, I felt compelled to share the Starburst, but that would mean the pack wouldn’t last a week.

So while Starburst was teaching me the lesson of rationing, it also taught me the lesson of how sometimes I needed to be a stingy bitch, which was later reinforced by listening to the words of Kiss-My-Ass Bear, the least popular Care Bear in Care-a-Lot.

Fortunately for me, with the Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie I don’t need to worry about sharing, rationing, or being a stingy bitch.

Because it’s a smoothie and I like to drink it straight from the bottle, I can’t offer it to anyone, because I don’t want to spread my cooties. I don’t want to be responsible for a cootie outbreak, because eventually doctors will trace back to me and everyone will know I’m the cootie host. Then scientists will hunt me down so that they can get a sample of my blood to create a cootie antidote.

I don’t want to go through that kind of trouble…again.

Besides I don’t know if I would want to share the Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie with anyone because it’s not that good. It kind of tastes like an orange creamsicle, except with more sicle than cream, because it was kind of grainy. Also, the smoothie was more watery than creamy.

But the most disappointing thing about the Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie was that I didn’t learn any important life lessons from it, like I did with Starburst candy. I wish I could’ve learned something, like success can be accomplished through hard work or how to talk to women without getting a restraining order two days later.

Well at least I learned I shouldn’t buy another Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie.

Item: Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie
Purchase Price: $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Tastes kind of like an orange creamsicle. Sharing is caring.
Cons: Grainy. More watery than creamy in texture. Didn’t learn any life lessons from it. My cooties.

Mini Swirlz Fudge Ripple Cereal

Marvo 31 Comments

Mini Swirlz Fudge Ripple Cereal

I grew up with cattle grazing in the pastureland behind my house. Looking back, I sometimes wonder how cattle ended up on Noah’s Arc, because they happen to be not very bright and very easily scared animals.

However, they still are more intelligent than guys who actually think Axe or Tag body spray will attract beautiful women and not as easily scared as the beautiful women who are approached by guys who wear Axe or Tag body spray.

Sometimes, when I was bored of riding bikes, shooting hoops, or sneaking peeks at my friend’s hidden stash of Playboy, I would try to recreate scenes I saw on PBS nature shows. I would pretend to be either a wolf, tiger, crocodile, or rockstar groupie stalking its prey, which were the cattle.

However, I wasn’t very good with stalking prey, because as I approached the cattle, they would all quickly run away from me, like I was Celine Dion about to sing.

At the time, it was hard for me to comprehend why cattle were so afraid of me. After all, each of them were five times bigger than me, a husky twelve year old. It was also hard for me to comprehend because the male cattle had the biggest balls I had ever seen and I learned in grade school that the bigger your balls were, the more courage you’ll have.

But then again, I did run towards them with my arms flying around in the air and yelling like I was Andy Dick on a cocaine binge. I think that would pretty much scare anything.

One day, while approaching some cattle, I unfortunately stepped on a land mine. Not a real land mine, although my town was a training area for the US Army during World War II, and I once did find a live grenade in the stream that separates my house from the pastureland.

To my friends and I, a land mine was pile of cattle poop, or otherwise known as a cowpie. The land mine I stepped on was unfortunately warm and fresh. I think the cattle were entertained by this, because some of the cattle mooed at me.

From that moment on, I stopped stalking cattle and turned my attention towards stalking Alyssa Milano.

So was there a point to this story? Not really, but a bowl Mini Swirlz Fudge Ripple cereal does look like a bunch of small cowpies.

Oh, they also look like Princess Leia’s hair buns. So that means all I need now is a gold bikini and a pre-Trimspa Anna Nicole Smith to play Jabba the Hut to recreate the skiff scene from Return of the Jedi.

Anyway, despite looking like small cowpies and Princess Leia’s hair buns, the Mini Swirlz Fudge Ripple cereal was good and I liked it better than the Mini Swirlz Cinnamon Bun version. Although I wish it was a little more fudgy and it made my milk fudgier.

Wait…Now that I think about it, a lot of the things I eat look like poop. Cocoa Puffs looks like rabbit poop, chocolate soft serve ice cream in a bowl looks like dog poop, and a Snickers bar looks like my poop.


(Editor’s Note: I just wanted to thank everyone for the anniversary congrats last week. As for the prize drawing, I hope to hold it sometime this week. I’ll keep you posted.)

Item: Mini Swirlz Fudge Ripple Cereal
Purchase Price: $3.50
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Good. Looks like Princess Leia’s hair buns. Better than Cinnamon Bun version.
Cons: Looks like mini cowpies. Could use more fudgy taste. Doesn’t make milk very fudgy. Gets soggy pretty quickly.

Happy First Anniversary!!! (Or Happy Blogiversary!!!)

Marvo 192 Comments

One year ago today, the first ever review was posted here at the Impulsive Buy, which was for the almost drinkable Natural Citrus Listerine. Since then, the Impulsive Buy has posted 217 product reviews. However, 212 of them suck.

It’s been a fun and interesting year here at the Impulsive Buy. Over the past year, I’ve shown a video of me stripping, ate salads for a week, deep throated a banana, removed all the hair on my legs, ate vomit jelly beans, attempted to consume the entire McDonald’s Dollar Menu in one sitting, and outed Lucky the Leprechaun.

I’ve also tried some horrible products, like the overly-peppery Salt and Pepper Pringles, the Philly-disrespecting McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich, the puke-looking Maruchan Creamy Alfredo Ramen, the dog food-like Carb Well Golden Crunch Cereal, the powerless and tasteless Kellogg’s Tiger Power Cereal, and the diarrhea cha-cha-cha inducing Ruffles Light Potato Chips.

But I guess I should be glad I didn’t eat these.

Good times. Good times.

I’d like to thank all of you who come by on a regular basis to read whatever crazy nonsense I write. I hope that I’ve entertained you, educated you, and saved you some money. I promise that I will continue to write nonsense, be your guinea pig, and shove things down my throat that I shouldn’t.

Now to celebrate the Impulsive Buy’s first anniversary, I’m going to take the rest of the week off and I’m going to hold the most kick ass prize drawing in Impulsive Buy history.

Okay, okay. I know I said that for the 100th review prize drawing, but this one will be even better.

Three lucky readers will each receive one mystery box containing various products the Impulsive Buy has reviewed over the past year. The contents of each box will vary. For example, one may have the diarrhea cha-cha-cha inducing Ruffles Light Potato Chips and another may not.

To enter the Impulsive Buy’s First Anniversary Prize Drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with whatever you want to say. Please make sure you fill out the email field because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, I’ll take care of it.

The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Tuesday, August 9, 2005 and stop accepting entries on Sunday, August 14, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States and US Military APOs. (I apologize to the rest of the world, but shipping the mystery box to anywhere else would be REALLY expensive.)

The winners will be determined by using a big mixing bowl, three aluminum pie pans, a can of whipped cream, and slips of paper with the email of each entrant. All the entries will be placed into a big mixing bowl and canned whipped cream will be sprayed on top of the entries. The contents of the bowl will be mixed.

When the entries and whipped cream are mixed well enough, the mixture will be equally divided into the three aluminum pie pans. I will stick a candle into one of the whipped cream pies, light it, blow it out, and then remove the candle.

Then, with my hands behind my back, I will pull out an entry from each of the three whipped cream pies, using only my mouth. Those three entries I pull will be the three winners of the Impulsive Buy’s First Anniversary Prize Drawing.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about how the woman or man of your dreams is waiting for you online. The Impulsive Buy also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you life insurance policy applications. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail or your fiance boinking the nanny.

Gillette M3Power Nitro

Marvo 28 Comments

Gillette M3Power Nitro

This Gillette M3Power Nitro razor is a very talented razor. It vibrates, gives a decent shave, and it danced circles around this other razor I have. Don’t believe me? Watch this video. (Quicktime required)

Oh yeah! You got served, beeyatch!

Oh wait! What am I saying? I got served too. The M3Power Nitro razor outdanced me. But then again, that’s really easy to do because of my limited dancing abilities.

Sorry, I don’t have a video of that dance-off, but even if I did, it would be too embarrassing to show. But if you want to use your imagination, just imagine some Asian guy doing the Roger Rabbit, Cabbage Patch, Running Man, Water Sprinkler, Chicken Dance, and a dance move that involves humping the floor.

Or just watch an old Vanilla Ice music video, because that’s how I learned to dance.

(Note to self: Must buy Darrin’s Dance Grooves video.)

Not only does the M3Power Nitro have dancing skills, it can also dance for a very long time. I’ve been shaving with it almost every day for three weeks, had several dance-offs with it, and the single AAA battery inside is still going strong.

With that kind of stamina, the ladies would love the M3Power Nitro. However, it maybe strong enough for the hair leg warmers of a tree-hugging hippie woman, but it’s made for a man.

When Impulsive Buy reader, Lane, sent me the Gillette M3Power Nitro, I didn’t think it would vibrate as violently as it did. It’s supposed to be gentle micro-pulses that stimulate hair up and away from the skin, but my cell phone vibrates a lot more gently.

At least it doesn’t vibrate as much as Robin Williams on a caffeine or cocaine binge.

Despite my thinking that the M3Power Nitro vibrates a little too violently for something that consists of sharp blades, it does provide a decent and comfortable shave, and I also think the vibrations made cutting through my facial hair easier. Although, I think it shaves just as well as my regular MACH3 Turbo razor.

Speaking of the MACH3 Turbo, I was able to use my MACH3 Turbo blade cartridges with the M3Power Nitro, which is handy information to know, because replacement MACH3 Turbo blades are cheaper than M3Power Nitro blades.

Anyway, like I said earlier, I thought the razor’s vibrations seemed to have helped with my shaving. So because of that, I thought about using the vibrations of the M3Power Nitro to make other things better.

First, I attached the M3Power Nitro to my toothbrush to see if the vibrations would make for a better brushing session.

Then I connected it to a plain ordinary razor to see if it could improve its ability to shave.

Finally, I connected the M3Power Nitro to my finger to see if it could turn my normal finger into a “happy finger,” that could give someone a pleasurable massage. (See picture on left)

Unfortunately, the M3Power Nitro wasn’t very good at making other things better. However, it’s still a great dancer, it gives decent shaves, and looking at the picture on the left, it looks like the M3Power Nitro is very good at another thing…spooning.

Item: Gillette M3Power Nitro
Purchase Price: FREE (given by Impulsive Buy reader Lane)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: It’s an awesome dancer. Gives a decent shave. Vibrations help cut through hair easier. AAA battery lasts for a while. Able to use MACH3 and MACH3 Turbo cartridges. Good at spooning.
Cons: I got served. My limited dancing ability. Vibrations seemed a little too violent for something with sharp blades. Its vibrations can’t make other things better.