Vin – Page 3 – The Impulsive Buy

REVIEW: Goldfish Zesty Ranch Crackers

Vin / January 28, 2026 / Reviews / 3 Comments

You’ve tried the best, you’ve probably tried the rest, now it’s time to try the zest.

How do you like your Ranch? Homestyle maybe? Cool perhaps? Me? I like it zesty!

Some of my favorite things are zesty – oranges, sizzling fajitas, Knicks big-man Karl Anthony Towns – and just like a KAT I love me some fishes. Gold-fishes to be exact.

That’s why I was so intrigued by these new Zesty Ranch Goldfish. I’ve never had Ranch-flavored Goldfish. I assumed this was a completely new flavor profile, but then the untrustworthy Google told me Pepperidge Farm also sells “Flavor Blasted Racing Ranch,” so maybe not?

*shrug* Either way, a Ranch-flavored Goldfish is new to me. Gotta be good, right?

Can they possibly be, “Zesty. Creamy. Yee-Haw!” as the bag boasts?

Yee-naw! I’m just gonna cut to the chase, no chumming the waters, no baiting the hook, no idea how to fish, so no clue what I’m talking about, these are simply ok.

The initial taste leans a little too sour for me. I’d check the “best by” date if this was a bottle of Ranch dressing, but to be fair, it mellows out pretty quickly.

They’re very salty for a non-Flavor Blasted Goldfish, but it’s tolerable because it works well to counter the aforementioned strong sour ranch. That said, that overall flavor is fleeting. The bland cracker takes over mid-chew, and they just kinda taste like saltines.

I don’t know if that bums me out or not, because while I want more flavor, I don’t particularly think the Ranch is all that appetizing here. It doesn’t stack up to other Ranch snacks, with Cool Ranch Doritos obviously being the gold standard.

The flavor is almost great, but never quite gets to where I wanted it to go. They remind me of a few of my favorite crackers of all time – Chicken in a Biscuit and the, as far as I know, long-discontinued Nabisco Vegetable Thins. If those still exist, please let me know, because I used to crush them as a kid.

The flavor is slightly reminiscent of Lipton Chicken Noodle Soup powder once you get beyond the quick sour Ranch kick. That would be fine, but as I said, the cracker is very dry and salty, so the flavor evolves three times per munch. These are like the Gobstopper of Goldfish.

I’ve had worse, but I still wish I had the memory of a Goldfish so I could forget about these.

Zesty Ranch ranks in the lower to mid-tier of the Goldfish scale (pun!), but there is a way to gussy them up, or guppy them up if you will. You won’t. I mixed these into a bowl of Xtra Cheddar and Pretzel Mix Goldfish, and I liked those fishes because they were so delicious.

That’s my recommendation. Wait until your supermarket has a 3-for-Whatever sale on Goldfish (probably $15 these days, am I right?!) and mix Zesty Ranch with other flavors, because I think they work better as a school. I also think these would probably be an excellent cracker to drop into some soup. Keep that in mind when you’re snowed in this winter.

Let’s go Knicks!

Fin.

Purchased Price: $3.69
Size: 6.6 oz.
Purchased at: Stop and Shop
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (52 pieces) 140 calories, 6 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 320 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of total sugars, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, and 3 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Cheetos Simply NKD Puffs

Vin / December 29, 2025 / Reviews / 8 Comments

Allow me to get political for a second…

Don’t worry, I’ll try to toe (tow?) the line like a spineless coward.

Where are we at with the health administration discourse? Are these food dyes we devour every day really a crisis, or is eliminating them just a gimmicky distraction? Shocking to no one, I’ve heard both arguments.

I’m a little cynical. On one hand, it feels like an absolute bare minimum the food industry can do to pretend they’re feeding us “healthier” food. However, I also see no reason why synthetic food dyes and artificial flavors should exist if there’s even a 1% chance they’re harming us.

No matter your stance, Frito Lay has started the process for you. It’s begun phasing out synthetic food dyes and artificial flavors with a new Simply “NKD” line of snacks, because no one, and I mean NO ONE, likes Cheeto fingers.

That is my nonpartisan way of interpreting this.

Let’s stop arguing about things we should all agree on and focus our energy on real debates, like whether it’s “toe the line” or “tow the line,” because I’ve never been confident and couldn’t commit to either one. I’m sorry, I’m just a moderate on this issue.

“Chee-to the line.” There it is.

Do you like Cheetos Puffs? Well, hopefully you liked them for their flavor and not their color, because “NKD” might be the wave of the future.

Warning: nudity ahead, this review may be NSFW!

Cheetos are good and will remain good. I can’t say it any more simply … as these are technically “Simply” Cheetos, which I didn’t even know still existed. I thought that was the discontinued line that gave people gastrointestinal issues.

I reviewed the “NKD” Cheetos against regular old classic puffs, and honestly didn’t taste much of a difference. It was minor, and that was comparing a regular Cheeto vs. a “Simply,” which is marketed as a “cleaner” cheese puff that uses “real” ingredients.

These are devoid of color but still have plenty of flavor. If anyone tells you there’s a big discrepancy, they’re just outraged by change. I think the NKD puffs taste just a little blander, and that’s the “Simply” of it all, as I don’t believe the orange dust was a flavor enhancer, but classics do “pop” with a tiny bit more long-lasting flavor.

If this is how we have to enjoy Cheetos moving forward, we’re gonna be fine. We’ll heal, hopefully together.

I like the puffs, but I don’t love the branding. I can’t help but feel like the bag is designed to trick people into thinking they’re a fancy health food. Don’t slack off on your diet, just because they un-dye it.

Speaking of vibes, I hate the “we’re a hot new start-up” style name, “NKD!” Did they really need to remove the “a-e?” Maybe they’re just holding them back as an “i-o-u.” … and sometimes “y!”

It’s quite literally stripped down, unlike that very complex vowel joke.

Oh, and Chester Cheetah is nude on the bag. He goes by “Chest-hair Cheetah,” now.

Just kidding, that perv has always been naked.

These Cheetos may be a bit less dangerous, but they are, like my comedy stylings, still “dangerously cheesy.”

So, they’re a little less fun looking. Oh well. We’ll live… if the government lets us. Vote or Dye!

Purchased Price: $3.97
Size: 8 oz bag
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (13 pieces) 160 calories, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 140 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of total sugars, 1 gram of dietary fiber, and 2 grams of protein.

Cheetos Chips Frito-Lay

REVIEW: Smucker’s Up & Apple Uncrustables

Vin / December 17, 2025 / Reviews / 9 Comments

Some young hooligan called me “Unc” the other day, and it’s been sticking in my craw ever since.

While his tone suggested it was derogatory, I’m gonna choose to take it another way – Gen Alpha must know about my affinity for Unc-rustables, something I know we have in common. Yeah, I’m still cool.

Speaking of cool, allow me to introduce the most revolutionary handheld Apple product since the O.G. iPod – Up & Apple Uncrustables. Smuckers has blessed us with a new flavor of its amazing frozen PB&J, and it’s arguably its best effort to date.

Actually, I’m not here to argue, I’m here to review. Up & Apple is unequivocally the best Uncrustables “sandwich” ever.

Have you ever had a peanut butter and apple cinnamon jelly sandwich? If not, I’m telling you now to start eating peanut butter and apple cinnamon jelly sandwiches. I’d never had a peanut butter and apple cinnamon jelly sandwich until now, and I’m not going back. The only thing that’s ever gonna stick in my craw again is, let’s all say it together, peanut butter and apple cinnamon jelly sandwiches!

That said, I only want them in slightly thawed crimped UFO form. The best form.

I’m sure you’re all familiar with the often imitated, never duplicated freezer PB&J at this point. Trader Joe’s made a valiant effort, and there are some decent knockoffs out there, but no one has come close to Uncrustables. Don’t even get me started on the Lunchables “attempt.” Those should be called “Untrustables.”

I didn’t think Smucker’s could improve on its formula, but Up & Apple is the new king.

The apple jelly looks like honey with little specks of cinnamon, and it tastes amazing.

I was always a fan of cinnamon applesauce as a kid, and this really brought me back. The flavor reminded me of Mott’s with the jelly obviously being smoother and stickier than gritty apple sauce. I’d say it’s also less clumpy than the Uncrustables berry-centered counterparts.

I imagine some people might find these a little cloying, as the jelly is dangerously close to being too sweet and artificial. However, the cinnamon cuts it and melds with the peanut butter and “unbeatably soft bread” to perfection.

I’m an “al dente” Uncrustables enjoyer. I let it sit for about ten minutes to keep the peanut butter a little on the firmer side, and, man, is it good with this jelly. It also made me realize I’d probably enjoy Uncrustables with crunchy peanut butter, so consider this my pitch for “Uncrustables Crunchables,” if that name isn’t trademarked.

Speaking of names, “Up & Apple” stinks to its core, but I’m just reaching for a nitpick because this review is too positive.

Uncrustables were one of my favorite snacks before this, and they’ve only moved up the list.

I can’t imagine them topping this, but I’m holding out hope for a marmalade flavor. I know I, and that little pantless freak Paddington, would truly appreciate it. Paddington is Unc.

… I’m not cool.

I really don’t like giving out perfect scores. I don’t believe in perfection. It’s too finite for me.

Anyway, these are elite. Ten out of ten.

Purchased Price: $10.46
Size: 2.8 oz. (8 Sandwiches total)
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 10 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 320 calories, 18 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of total carbohydrates, 13 grams of total sugars, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 12 grams of protein.

Smucker's Uncrustables

REVIEW: Limited Edition Kraft Apple Pie Mac & Cheese

Vin / November 26, 2025 / Reviews / 5 Comments

Google A.I. defines “novelty” as “a story with a compact and pointed plot.” Kraft is no stranger to novelty food…

Hold on, that seems off to me. Is that even the proper definition? Let me check ol’ Funk and Wagnalls.

Nope. That’s a “novella.” That’s not what I asked at all. “Novelty” is “something new and unusual.” Why is Google so bad now?

Is it just me? I’m not breaking any new ground here, complaining about A.I. like the proverbial man who yells at clouds, but A.I. stinks, man. I’m tired of it already, but it’s not going anywhere.

Since we’re living in a slightly off, ever-growing A.I. blur, I have to imagine Kraft used an A.I. prompt to come up with Apple Pie Mac & Cheese, a seemingly disgusting take on a classic.

Everyone knows what Kraft Mac & Cheese is like. It’s a tasty staple of childhood. This Apple Pie flavor is like a warped memory of childhood you aren’t sure even happened. Did I actually watch that movie about a unicorn that runs for Congress? There’s no record of it, but mayyybe?

First off, the flavor powder smells like the cinnamon you found in Grandma’s cabinet that expired in 1987. It’s strong cinnamon up front, with a cheese funk that follows. It’s really hard to make cinnamon smell bad. They succeeded.

I honestly think they copped out on the taste. It’s not good, but it’s not offensive enough to be really bad. I wanted to hate it. Perhaps it’s my A.I. internet riddled brain rot, but I think the ~~novella~~ novelty of this type of food is to make it over the top so more people talk about it.

Say you ate cereal, lazily rinsed the bowl, and then plopped mac and cheese in said bowl. You’re left with a distant “Congressman ‘Corn” memory of something sweet and fruity.

This tastes like regular Kraft with what I will call “a sweet spiced aftertaste ghost.” There is an “air of apple.” If it’s A.I., it’s “Almost Indistinguishable.”

I feel like they should’ve gone for the virality of it all. Who’s buying this to be pleasantly surprised? I would have gone all out on some Jones Soda/Bertie Botts-type gimmick.

I’m aware that apple pie with cheddar cheese is a delicacy in some regions, but Google A.I. defines “delicacy” as “something nasty forced upon you at a young age that you’re afraid to say tastes bad because it’s cultural or something.” Actually, pretty spot on. Well, they defined that after defining “delicately” first, which is ironic, because that second definition is pretty harsh.

I’m mad that I’m not mad. I wanted to write an outrageous review. This should’ve tasted like rancid apples instead of what it tastes like, but I know I sound stupid saying that.

I guess I didn’t hate it. I ate a mug’s worth and stopped there. Just enough of a “wait, something is off here” fear crept in for my failing brain to tell me to stop eating.

I bought the box on Walmart.com because I coulda sworn it was a web exclusive, but now I’m getting mixed search results about that being true, because, ya know, A.I. bad, and whatnot. This may seem like a fun Thanksgiving side dish, but don’t even bother.

Purchased Price: $1.48 ($8.47 with S&H)
Size: 7.25 oz
Purchased at: Walmart.com
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 Cup prepared) 320 calories, 10 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 510 milligrams of sodium, 45 grams of total carbohydrates, 7 grams of sugar, 2 grams of dietary fiber, and 8 grams of protein.

Kraft Mac & Cheese

REVIEW: Chips Ahoy Chewy Cookie Butter Inspired Cookies

Vin / November 14, 2025 / Reviews / 1 Comment

What inspires you?

Your family? Money? The prospect of a long and fruitful life?

Boring! How cliché!

Chips Ahoy! has the right idea when it comes to inspiration because they’re only inspired by one thing this holiday season – Cookie Butter!

Some twenty years after the advent of pulverized Speculoos cookie spread, Chips Ahoy! is finally dipping its chips into the world of cookie butter with its new Chewy Chips Ahoy! Cookie Butter (Inspired.)

If you’re wondering what “Speculoos” means, it’s a portmanteau of the words “speculation” and “looky-loo.” Perhaps it’s best you stop being so nosy, you speculoos.

Actually, speculoos are thin spiced Belgian wafers and the centerpiece of cookie butter. I apologize for calling you nosy.

… but speaking of nosy – these Chips Ahoy! smell incredible!

I’ll be honest, Chips Ahoy! Cookies are a mixed bag for me, so I was a bit of a speculoo myself when I saw the folks at Mondelez tackling this flavor profile. The aroma instantly sold me. They smell like 25% gingerbread and 75% fresh pancakes. I’ve been huffing the sleeve for days. It’s getting weird.

Taste begins at your schnoz, right? Surely these scent-sations must taste amazing?

They taste pretty good, but dare I say uninspired?

It’s a nice random sweet cookie, but severely lacking cookie butter flavor.

I’m sure you’re all familiar with Biscoff cookies and know what they taste like. They have what I just call a “winter spice” flavor. It’s that concoction of every spice in your Lazy Susan – cinnamon, clove, cardamom, nutmeg, etc. Maybe not all, but you know what I’m saying. They’re delicious. I’m a big fan.

These Chips Ahoy! are tasty but… lack taste. They’re at most about 20% “cookie butter.” They don’t claim to use Biscoff or any cookie similar, but they don’t taste like ‘em anyway. They’re inspired by cookie butter in the same way this review I’m “writing” is technically inspired by the collective works of Bill Shakespeare.

The fatal flaw here is in the namesake – the ahoy… no, wait, the chips. Cookie Butter flavored cookies shouldn’t have chips, especially chips that are inexplicably white chocolate, I think? White chocolate inspired at least.

The white chips taste fine, but they’re unnecessary. There is a layer of inspiration in the middle of the cookie that has a little bit of a “gingerbready” flavor when isolated, but it’s no match for the overpowering chips. I guess you just can’t be Chips Ahoy! without chips, but then why do the white chips?

It’s weird — these don’t taste like they should, or like anything, really, and I still like them.

The best I can tell you is that the “holiday spice” flavor is there, but extremely muted. No one on Earth would ever guess “cookie butter” in a blind taste test. They’d probably say, “uhhh, cookie. Cookie flavor? It tastes like a cookie.” Did Chips Ahoy! just think cookie butter tasted like generic cookie?

There just wasn’t nearly enough inspiration with this flavor. The speculoos over at Chips Ahoy! should’ve probably just stuck to what they know. That said, it’s still a good cookie-tasting cookie.

Purchased Price: $4.97

Size: 9.9 oz

Purchased at: Walmart

Rating: 6 out of 10

Nutrition Facts: (2 Cookies) 140 calories, 7 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 115 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of total carbohydrates, 12 grams of sugar, 0 grams of dietary fiber, and 1 gram of protein.

Chips Ahoy Cookie Butter Cookies Nabisco

REVIEW: Goldfish Zesty Ranch Crackers

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REVIEW: Cheetos Simply NKD Puffs

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REVIEW: Smucker’s Up & Apple Uncrustables

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REVIEW: Limited Edition Kraft Apple Pie Mac & Cheese

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REVIEW: Chips Ahoy Chewy Cookie Butter Inspired Cookies

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