REVIEW: Limited Edition Dunkin’ Donuts Frosted Vanilla Latte Pop-Tarts

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Limited Edition Dunkin' Donuts Frosted Vanilla Latte Pop-Tarts

Ugh. Coffee. Know what I hate about coffee?

  1. The taste. Gross.
  2. Endless choruses of “I can’t function until I’ve had my kawfeee.”
  3. Griping of coworkers choking on the terrible brew they insisted I make as an intern, despite my warnings that I was bad at it.
  4. This:

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So why am I reviewing COFFEE Pop-Tarts? Because, as a woman of many contradictions, I love java-flavored foods. Jelly beans, ice cream, potato chips – I’ll eat ‘em. Kahlua? Yessir! When the short-term marriage of Pop-Tarts and Dunkin’ Donuts coffee was announced, I was ready. I particularly coveted the Frosted Vanilla Latte flavor – I imagined it would be like eating a non-alcoholic White Russian.

But for the sake of scientific review, I had to compare them to the genuine article. So I popped next door to the Dunkin’ where they give me extra Munchkins if I go in 10 minutes before closing, got a small Vanilla Latte and hunkered down with it and my Box O’ Joe Tarts.

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I took deep breaths of each. The same lovely coffee and vanilla aroma was present in both, but the Pop Tarts had an additional, nutty/wheaty scent, which I assumed was the pastry.

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The appearance wasn’t exactly exciting. They looked pale – not like the rich tones Pop-Tarts usually come in. The pastry, frosting and filling were all a washed-out monochromatic tan with a white squiggle blended in on top. It reminded me of squirting SPF50 on my embarrassingly colorless skin during a tropical vacation.

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On first bite, I loved the taste. As I suspected, this was a Pop-Tart White Russian. (I know there’s a Big Lebowski joke to be made here, but I’ve never seen it, so…) They were coffee-ish, milky and sweeeeeet – exactly what I hoped for.

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Next, I downed a mouthful of the DD Vanilla Latte, which confirmed my hatred of coffee. The Pop-Tarts don’t have the bitter punch of the latte. I appreciated that, but if you’re looking for that edge, it’s not there. That could be due to the lack of actual coffee product in the ingredients list. I guess “natural and artificial flavors” don’t impart quite the same zip.

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Overall, I really enjoyed these Pop-Tarts, but I’m cool with a less-than-authentic flavor. If you’re not, you might want to dunk them in the real McCoy.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 50 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Size: 14.1 oz. box/8 pastries
Purchased at: Food Lion
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: It’s a White Russian Pop-Tart! Spot-on coffee aroma. Delicious, sugary approximation of taste.
Cons: Won’t get you drunk like a real White Russian. Ghostly appearance. If you want authentic coffee flavor, look elsewhere.

REVIEW: Krispy Kreme Nutty Cocoa Ring

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Krispy Kreme Nutty Cocoa Ring

As a kid, whenever Krispy Kreme doughnuts were around, my mom would make up some probable lie about how a single doughnut had the fat content of seven strips of bacon, so I wouldn’t go too ham on the doughnuts. In practice I usually just used this piece of wisdom to justify eating way too much bacon. (Ten strips? That’s less than two doughnuts worth!)

While I’m sure the seven strip to one doughnut formula isn’t accurate, one things is for sure: Krispy Kreme doughnuts are always bombs of oil and sugar. Even someone like me, who may or may not have eaten two full Symphony bars the day I got them in my Christmas stocking, can only handle one or two of the plain glazed doughnuts before my stomach taps out.

Of course if you’ve ever had Krispy Kreme before, you know that essentially all of their doughnuts are glazed. The Nutty Cocoa Ring doughnut, Krispy Kreme’s latest offering, is no different. It features one of their classic glazed doughnuts as a base, topped with a generous helping of Nutella chocolate-hazelnut spread. Half of the doughnut is covered in chopped hazelnuts. I’m definitely a Nutella fan, and I think chocolate-hazelnut is S-tier as far as chocolate nut combinations go, so I didn’t think this item could possibly be a miss for me.

Krispy Kreme thought otherwise.

Before taking a bite into the doughnut, I sampled some of the Nutella spread with my finger and it is indeed delicious, standard Nutella. However the problem comes when combining the topping with its glazed doughnut base. Upon taking a bite, the Nutella was almost indistinguishable from the standard Krispy Kreme.

The taste of the Krispy Kreme itself was just far too strong to be a base for the more subtly flavored Nutella. I had to eat the doughnut upside-down, mashing the Nutella to my tongue to get even a whisper of its flavor.

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The half of the doughnut covered in chopped hazelnuts was slightly better just because the chopped nuts created an interesting texture variety that you don’t normally get in a doughnut. The hazelnuts were even densely packed enough that I could almost taste them if I closed my eyes and wished for it. The problem is that only half the doughnut has hazelnuts, and the other half is essentially a regular glazed doughnut with extra calories from the Nutella.

(Nutrition Facts – 270 calories, 150 calories from fat, 17 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $1.29
Size: N/A
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: The bacon/doughnut guilt formula. Crunchy hazelnuts. I got to taste some Nutella with my fingertip.
Cons: The bacon/doughnut guilt formula. Half of a good doughnut. I would have given this a 7 if the whole thing was covered in the chopped hazelnuts.?

REVIEW: Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate Commendation Bar

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Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Commendation Bar

I am convinced the LTO product mastermind(s) at Trader Joe’s is Willy Wonka. That’s the only way I can explain the Chocolate Commendation Bar. Like Trader Joe’s current name variations, like Trader Giotto’s, I’m going to call these masterminds Trader Insane-But-Fan-Effing-Tastic’s.

Okay, maybe Wonka Joe’s has a better ring to it.

While most food companies are focused on smaller portions, Wonka Joe’s decided to flip the script for the holidays and make their existing one-pound bar over 300 percent larger. Why not 100 percent or 200 percent? Because Wonka Joe’s knows that in ‘MURICA, you go big or you go home. After all, “a little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.”

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At a solid 4 pounds 6.4 ounces, the Commendation Bar sounds more like something on a birth certificate, than a shelf. Apparently Wonka Joe’s considered naming this chocolate baby Super Size Chocolate Bars, Wicked Lahge Chocolate Bahs, or You’ve Gotta Be Kidding Me With The Size of These Things Chocolate Bars, but ended up with Commendation Bar because it was worth celebrating. WTF? That’s like picking out names like Apple, Khaleesi, or Sparrow, but going with James.

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Name nuances aside, here are my creds for tackling this four-pound beast: the one-pound chocolate bars are a staple on my shopping list. One time when I was purchasing said chocolate bar, the cashier asked if I was going to eat it all by myself. I looked at him indignantly, said “yes, of course,” and proceeded to go home to eat it all in one sitting. So, you can only imagine what the cashier was thinking this time with a four-pound chocolate bar. And, you can probably imagine that I thought I could tackle this bar in one sitting. Boy, was I wrong.

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I picked the dark chocolate bar (61 percent cacao) over the milk chocolate (31 percent cacao) because I don’t like my chocolate too sweet. My typical one-pound bar of choice is the dark chocolate with almonds so I stayed in the dark chocolate family.

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Opening the bar was like Christmas morning. The bar had 32 perfect rectangles with 11 vertical lines going through each, all wrapped up in silver foil. Given the amount of one-pound bars I consume, I consider myself pretty good at breaking off rows of chocolate but it took me forever to break off a single row on this one. I even smacked the bar on the floor a couple of times and it only dented the surface. A single rectangle was the size of my palm – at least this Commendation Bar is a really good value!

As indicated by the difficulty of breaking the chocolate, it was really hard to eat. I had to angle it sideways and bite like an Olympian biting a gold medal with their molars. Taste-wise, it was just like the one-pound dark chocolate bar – smooth with a perfect balance of bitter and sweet.

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One rectangle down, 31 more rectangles to go. I began thinking that instead of a commendation, it was condemnation like the infamous chocolate fudge cake scene in the movie Maltida. I was Bruce Bogtrotter gnawing away at the chocolate bar with my molars. Trunchbull? My own gluttony.

Unlike Bruce, I couldn’t finish the entire bar. I shamefully only finished a single row or four rectangles. Yikes, at this rate, I’ll be eating this bar until next December. Overall, I am impressed that Wonka Joe’s nails quality and quantity.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 square – 330 calories, 200 calories from fat, 22 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 490 milligrams of Potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of dietary fiber, 22 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $14.99
Size: 70.5 oz. bar
Purchased at: Trader Joe’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Willy Wonka (aka Trader Joe’s LTO product mastermind(s)) had to have been behind this. Good value. Smooth with a perfect balance of bitter and sweet. Nails quality and quantity.
Cons: Really hard to break off – smacking the bar on the floor risks cracking your floors and not the bar itself. Secretly a condemnation bar if you try to eat the whole thing in one sitting.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Chocolate Strawberry Oreo Cookies

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Limited Edition Chocolate Strawberry Oreo Cookies

Two years ago, on a hazy New Year’s morning (my birthday), my girlfriend woke me up with a package of Birthday Cake Oreo in bed, and the secret junk food junkie in me silently screamed with joy.

Now, thanks to the cookie scientists at Nabisco, I can return the favor to my one true love on Valentine’s Day with the Limited Edition Chocolate Strawberry Oreo. Whether or not a crinkly package of factory cookies can successfully replace four-dollars-a-pop chocolate-covered strawberries remains to be seen, but whether or not these Oreo’s are a decent start to the pending onslaught of 2017’s limited offerings can be laid to rest right now.

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The Oreo cookies look no different than the always available chocolate flavor, with a dark creme sandwiched between two classic wafer cookies; but the aroma is distinctly different and heavy on the strawberry. Something about the chocolate strawberry smell is immediately nostalgic, channeling Neapolitan ice cream sandwiches, kiddy cereal, and strawberry Pocky sticks. While it is definitely an artificial fruit smell, it is not too perfumey or cloying in any way.

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Digging into the cookies, the strong strawberry smell is put on the back burner as chocolate takes the more dominant role in overall flavor, which makes sense as the chocolate outweighs the strawberry components 2-to-1. The textures of the chocolate and strawberry cremes are exactly the same, which mixes the two flavors together in a way that is cohesive but ultimately not too special.

There’s nothing off-putting about the fruit flavor like the strange Swedish Fish Oreo, but there’s also nothing particularly new or unique, like the slightly differing textures in the Filled Cupcake Oreo.

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A chocolate covered strawberry, as the design of the package directly implies, should have a more strawberry-forward flavor, and while these cookies do a good job of conveying both elements, the ratios and authenticity feel a bit off.

They’re a tasty crunchy cookie that will definitely be agreeable to most average palates but don’t provide any level of satisfaction that the original Oreo have delivered for over 100 years (literally). I’m not sure my Valentine’s chocolate thirst will be satiated with these come February 14, so I may have to go back to dropping $30 at Godiva to show how much I truly care.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein..)

Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: 10.7 oz. package
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Full choco-strawberry aroma. Not too artificial tasting. Hey, it’s an Oreo.
Cons: Not enough genuine strawberry flavor. Not enough contrast, too much chocolate. Will not replace expensive Valentine’s Day candy.

REVIEW: Hershey’s Cookie Layer Crunch Bars (Vanilla Crème and Mint)

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Hershey’s Cookie Layer Crunch Bars (Vanilla Cre?me and Mint)

Hershey’s is pretty much synonymous with chocolate bars, but outside of their fan favorite Cookies ‘n’ Crème variation, they really haven’t fiddled around in the cookie game that much.

With their new Cookie Layer Crunch bars, the candy bar juggernaut looks to break some fertile ground with not just one, but THREE special-edition cookie/chocolate bar hybrids. While we’ve already covered the caramel version, today, we’ll be taking a nice, long look at the other two Cookie Layer Crunch products – the vanilla crème and mint variations.

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The hook here is very straightforward. The miniature candies are about twice as thick of your normal Hershey’s bar, with each version containing a chunky cookie crust and a hearty helping of crème inside the mantle. While both products contain chocolate chunks, the exterior chocolate shell differs – the vanilla crème iteration is milk chocolate while the mint version is dark chocolate.

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The chocolate taste is very strong in both variations, with even the vanilla crème one tasting slightly more robust than your standard Hershey’s bar. And for those of you fearing wafer-thin contents, the cookie layer is actually quite thick and crunchy, with a surprising (albeit subtle and pleasant) salty aftertaste.

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Both varieties are good, but I’d give my nod to the mint version, which has a far more potent crème flavor than the vanilla offering, which – while tasty – doesn’t have quite the kick of its shelfmate.

The products are clearly designed as stuffing stocking material. At $4 a bag, they’re a bit pricier than your average grab bag of fun-size candy bars, and weirdly enough, you only get nine pieces per unit. However, there are 3.5-ounce XL Bars of all three flavors with five pieces, so don’t say you don’t have a wide array of consumer options on the table.

The Cookie Layer Crunch bars do very much feel like “event candies,” so to speak – they’re definitely rich, flavorful and filling, plus they are rather versatile snacks. These things go with a late night cup of cranberry cola just as well as they do your morning espresso, and talk about excellent adornments for your homemade cookies and brownies!

Which sort of begs the question: how come Hershey’s isn’t selling these things in a mix-and-match format? Eh, maybe that’s something to look forward to come Christmas 2017, I suppose.

(Nutrition Facts – Vanilla Crème – 2 pieces – 210 calories, 13 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 19 grams of sugar, and 3 grams of protein. Mint – 2 pieces – 200 calories, 14 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 19 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $3.99 each
Size: 6.3 oz. box/9 pieces
Purchased at: Ingles Markets
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Vanilla Crème)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Mint)
Pros: Very rich chocolaty flavors. Non-mushy interior cookie goodness. For the mint iteration, a very nice aftertaste.
Cons: The overall vanilla crème flavor is a bit underwhelming. No variety pack option. Anticipating a tenth candy bar in the bag and walking away with nothing but odd-numbered disappointment.

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