Category: Reviews

REVIEW: Nabisco Limited Edition Dill Pickle Wheat Thins

Adam 10 Comments

Nabisco Limited Edition Dill Pickle Wheat Thins

Consistency is a glorious, necessary trait for humanity. Not just being consistently good at something, mind you—like the SEC’s year in and year out domination of college football—but in being predictable in any sort of behavior or result.

It’s the kind of attribute which keeps order in the universe. Which allows us, at the end of the day, to know Jack Bauer will save the world from a catastrophic nuclear incident, or regardless of whatever the new Star Wars movies feature, the Stormtroopers are still going to suck at shooting.

You know what’s not consistent? Wheat Thins’ Limited Edition Dill Pickle crisps. They’re so woefully inconsistent. They remind me of what would happen if an NFL team ever alternated Tom Brady and Tony Romo for every other snap (note to Madden players, this is not advisable on All-Madden mode.) Rarely have I encountered a snack I’ve wanted to love so much and wanted to hate so passionately; seldom have I partaken in a game of flavor roulette like the one I experienced when dunking my hands into the neon-green pickle graced box.

I guess I should go back to the start of this love-hate relationship. I had high hopes for these given that I’m a card carrying dill pickle fiend. Okay, not so much that I would name my second-born son after the combination of herbs and vinegar, but enough that I get chided by friends for adding dill pickles to every sandwich imaginable. BLT? Better make that a BLTP. Peanut Butter and Jelly? Hey it’s not as crazy as it sounds! And don’t ask me to exercise restraint in the presence of Route 11’s Dill Pickle potato chips, which have just the right amount of zing and zang to perk up an otherwise refreshing and floral herb flavor.

Nabisco Limited Edition Dill Pickle Wheat Thins Closeup

The aroma of the crackers is intense, with a sort of unnatural and heavy smell that’s more reminiscent of a straight-up jar of Mt. Olive pickles than your standard dill pickle potato chips. The seasoning seems twofold in nature, with specks of both green dried dill weed and an odd powdery white substance adorning the crackers in varying levels of coverage. It’s this inconsistent coverage which I soon found to be the crackers’ undoing.

Those which aired on the lighter side of seasoning, with less of the powdery white substance and more of the dried dill, had a restrained vinegar flavor that perked my taste buds to the ensuing malty, wheaty sweetness of the cracker. Just the right amount of salt rounded out the sweetness, which reaches its apex upon the trademark crunch and glutinous chew.

That was cracker number one. Cracker number two proved less enjoyable. A lot less enjoyable. The chief culprit seems to be the powdery white substance. Heavy like the seasoning for sour cream, it’s got a buttermilk funk and an overbearing vinegar flavor that tastes way too much like pure dill pickle brine. Not the pickle, mind you, but the freaking brine. It’s just too strong and lacking any of the floral qualities of dill to render it as a true dill pickle flavor. In fact, it’s so overwhelming I would have thought I was eating white vinegar-flavored Wheat Thins. The worst part of the experience? The flavor overwhelms the backend malty sweetness, and damages the otherwise worthy Wheat Thins base.

That was cracker two. Cracker three was somewhere in between these two extremes, while cracker four was even better than cracker one, having little of the white residue to torment me with its excessive fermented funk. It was at that point that the Limited Edition Dill Pickle Wheat Thins and I decided to take a break from each other. Rather, it was at this point that I decided I needed a snack I could count on.

Nabisco Limited Edition Dill Pickle Wheat Thins Dill

The Limited Edition Dill Pickle Wheat Thins are the worst kind of snack imaginable because they manage to be both maddeningly heavy and repulsive but also herbaceously crunchtastic at the same time. Depending on the level of seasoning you encounter you’re either facing third and eleven with Tony Romo bound to screw it up, or Tom Brady ready to deliver a comeback touchdown toss. That kind of inconsistency is fine if you’re trying to test the limits of Madden NFL 2015, but it’s definitely not something I want in my snacks.

(Nutrition Facts – 14 crackers – 140 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 180 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of sugar, 4 grams of fiber, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Nabisco Limited Edition Dill Pickle Wheat Thins
Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: 9 oz box
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Wonderful dill pickle flavor can be balanced, giving just the right combination of vinegar tang and herbaceous relief. Wheat Thins base is excellent as always. Background malt flavor meshes well with the dill. Crunchier than regular pickles and not as slimy. Knowing Stormtroopers will still suck at shooting in Episode VII.
Cons: Depending on the amount of seasoning, can be overbearing and excessively briny. Like drinking pickle juice on a hot summer and then taking a three mile run. Unrealistic hypothetical NFL personnel decisions only possible in Madden

REVIEW: International Delight Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Cream Iced Coffee

Marvo 4 Comments

International Delight Hershey's Cookies 'n' Cream Iced Coffee

If you were to hack into the databases that contain my Safeway and Target purchases, you’d know I buy a lot of International Delight Iced Coffee…and Pepto Bismol. However, because I buy IDIC regularly (yes, I’m too lazy to type its name out, but not lazy enough to type an aside that says I’m too lazy to type its name out), I’ve gotten a little tired of the flavors they have — original, mocha, vanilla, and caramel macchiato.

The overcaffienated folks at International Delight (ID) have a long history of teaming up with other brands to make a variety of coffee creamers that’ll make any burnt office coffee (Except yours, Brad!) taste so much better, like Almond Joy, Cinnabon, Heath, York Peppermint Patty, Cold Stone Creamery, and Hershey’s. And now the jittery employees at ID have done the same with their iced coffee, creating International Delight Cold Stone Creamery Sweet Cream Iced Coffee and Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Creme Iced Coffee.

The latter combines iced coffee with the flavor of Hershey’s I-Want-To-Say-They’re-Popular-But-I’ve-Never-Seen-Anyone-Buy-Them Cookies ’n’ Creme candy bar. If you’re one of those people who has never purchased a Hershey’s Cookies ’n’ Creme bar, it’s made with white chocolate and tiny chocolate cookie balls. Although I’ve never seen anyone else buy it, I do purchase it on occasion and prefer it over a regular milk chocolate Hershey’s bar because of its flavor and it’s like a bizarro Nestle Crunch bar.

In previous IDIC reviews, I mentioned how the coffee flavor is heavily masked by the cream, sugar, and flavoring, but it’s somewhat noticeable. Well, with International Delight’s Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Creme Iced Coffee it’s almost nonexistent, getting lost within the chocolate cookie balls flavoring. This causes the creamy beverage to taste more like a cookies ’n’ creme-flavored milk. This will be a problem for those who enjoy the flavor of coffee, but it appears it hasn’t been an issue for me because I’ve purchased three cartons so far. Actually, I don’t know if it’s because I’m tired of the other flavors, but this flavor is now my favorite.

What I like most about International Delight’s Hershey’s Cookies ’n’ Creme Iced Coffee is how they nailed the flavor of the chocolate cookie balls from the candy bar. It’s as if they went the cereal milk route and dumped a bunch of chocolate cookie balls into an iced coffee with a lot of milk and then strained the liquid. The creme doesn’t taste like white chocolate, which is a good thing because I don’t think white chocolate milk would be pleasing.

International Delight’s Hershey’s Cookies ’n’ Creme Iced Coffee is creamy and thick (Thanks cream and carrageenan!) and has a unique flavor that makes it taste like a fancy chocolate milk. A caffeinated fancy chocolate milk, I might add (76 milligrams of caffeine per cup). I’ll definitely be purchasing more with my Pepto Bismol.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 150 calories, 25 calories from fat, 2.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 23 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, and 15% calcium..)

Item: International Delight Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Cream Iced Coffee
Purchased Price: $4.99 (on sale)
Size: Half gallon
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: My favorite International Delight Iced Coffee flavor. International Delight nailed the chocolatey cookie flavor and it’s the most dominant flavor. Thick and creamy (Thanks cream and carrageenan). If it’s like their other flavors, it has 76 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine. Getting to type “chocolate cookie balls” several times in a review.
Cons: Drink something else or add more coffee to this if you love the flavor of coffee, because it’s like drinking Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Creme milk. Still no caffeine content listed on carton.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco

Trevor 4 Comments

Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco

When Taco Bell introduced the Doritos Locos Taco (DLT), it revolutionized not only midnight-munchies runs, but also the whole fast food world. I used to be an occasional T-Bell visitor, but once I had a DLT I quickly became a junkie. I haven’t eaten a normal hard shell taco since, and I don’t think I could. They’re just so primitive and outdated now.

Eating a normal taco shell would be like hitting a piñata filled with candy; you know what you’re going to get out of it. But eating a DLT, now that’d be like hitting a piñata filled with candy AND $100 bills.

New shell flavors came out over time in Fiery, Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch, but there was still room to improve. T-Bell thought adding a spicy chicken and sauce into the mix could do this, so the Cool Ranch Spicy Chicken DLT was made.

They apparently got the idea after people constantly defied the menu and substituted chicken for beef. Maybe some people are just too good to eat 88 percent beef?

Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco Innards

The chicken is the same as it is in other T-Bell poultry-based items except it’s been marinated in some kind of hot sauce. Or tossed in the sauce. Or the sauce was poured on it. I don’t know I didn’t make it. Use your imagination! Regardless of how it was made, the chicken was exceptional.

In addition to the kicked-up chicken there’s a “Fiery” hot sauce on the taco as well. I was kind of skeptical about this because I worried there would be too many flavors. You have the cool ranch on the outside, the spicy chicken and the hot sauce on the inside. That’s three different tastes right there. Take into account the sour cream that will be in the supreme one, and that’s four flavors.

I did indeed get one of my two tacos supreme style, and that’s where we’ll start.

Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco Goo

The supreme version was a supreme mess. There’s not tons of room in these shells to begin with, and when you add two sauces things get crowded real quick. The hot sauce was oozing from the side of the taco the whole time and kept getting all over my hands. I’m a bit of a picky Pete about messy eating, and this really bugged me.

As for the taste, it was okay but there was just too much inside and the flavors kind of counteract each other. You’ve got the cooling ranch from the shell, two different hot sauces on the inside, and another cooling agent in sour cream. No one flavor stands out and it’s kind of disappointing. I could barely taste the shell on the supreme style, probably because of all that was going on inside the taco.

The regular taco was much better and is, in my opinion at least, the better route to go. It was not nearly as messy, and, more importantly, you could taste everything you’re supposed to taste. It is called a Spicy Chicken Cool Ranch DLT, and in the supreme I didn’t taste cool ranch at all and barely got the spicy chicken flavor.

Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco Shell

In the regular taco the shell’s flavor was very noticeable, and it combined nicely with the spicy chicken and hot sauce. The hot sauce isn’t over-the-top, but it’s still got some nice zing to it and you’ll want some sort of cool beverage on hand when you eat it.

Getting back to the sour cream, I can’t stress how much of an unnecessary component it is in the taco’s equation. It’s like when you see a really nice sports car driving down the street, but when it gets closer you notice the owner put some cheesy-ass decals on the side of it, such as flames or fake bullet holes. Weak sauce.

I’ll still get the supreme version of the other DLTs because I find them better that way, but this one has enough going for it already, and sour cream just ruins it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go search for one of those magical piñatas that was mentioned earlier…

(Nutrition Facts – Supreme – 200 calories, 100 calories from fat, 11 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 30 milligrams of sodium, 410 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of sugar, 2 grams of fiber, and 11 grams of protein.)

Item: Taco Bell Spicy Chicken Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco
Purchased Price: $1.59 (Regular)
Purchased Price: $1.89 (Supreme)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Regular)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Supreme)
Pros: Spicy chicken was delicious. Cool ranch goes well with spicy flavors. Midnight-munchies runs. Magic piñatas.
Cons: Supreme style was pretty sloppy. Sour cream covered up too much flavor. Not knowing where to start looking for magic piñatas.

REVIEW: Sonic Jalapeño Chocolate Shake

Kelley 44 Comments

Sonic Jalapen?o Chocolate Shake Cup

Waaay back on April 1st, Sonic Drive-In announced their newest shake – the Kale Cream Pie Shake.

Sound horrifyingly disgusting? That’s because it was an April Fool’s joke. It was a promotional gag for their Summer of Shakes, which includes Oreo Peanut Butter, Salted Caramel, and Chocolate Covered Jalapeño.

Does that last one sound horrifyingly disgusting? That’s because it was an Apri- oh, shit. It wasn’t a joke. The Sonic Chocolate Covered Jalapeño Shake is real.

When I got my shake, I was disappointed it came in a pedestrian Styrofoam cup. The promo pictures had a clear cup that showed little pepper pieces in the shake, as well as jalapeño pieces on the whipped cream. Presumably, this is why it was initially called the Chocolate Covered Jalapeño Shake, but is now called the Jalapeño Chocolate Shake.

It looked so innocent at first. Just a chocolate shake. I dipped a spoon into the cup, expecting to come up with some little pieces, but instead I found…

Sonic Jalapen?o Chocolate Shake Jalapen?o Slice

Yeah. Whole sliced jalapeños, right in the shake. What the fuck.

Sonic Jalapen?o Chocolate Shake Glass

Wanting a better look, I unceremoniously dumped the shake into a glass, and the results gave me no encouragement.

Using a straw with my shake, as God intended, it initially tasted like a chocolate shake that was somehow…off. If I didn’t know there were peppers in it, I would have tasted it and thought, huh, they did something weird to this. There wasn’t any real spiciness to it, just an offness, like maybe the chocolate syrup had gone bad. I’ve never had the experience of tasting that, but that’s the closest I could come to a comparison.

And then I sucked in my first piece of jalapeño.

You know how sometimes you’ll get a chunky shake and accidentally suck a piece straight to the back of your throat? That’s exactly what happened to me. But, instead of a delicious piece of Oreo cookie, it was a motherfucking jalapeño.

And not just some pedestrian pickled jalapeño, either. A fresh jalapeño.

I did that thing where you use your tongue to move the piece back to the front of your mouth and started chewing it, but the damage had already been done. Jalapeño juice burned the back of my throat, causing me to choke and gag a little.

After getting over that, I chewed the jalapeño piece. My poor mouth was so confused. “I love jalapenos!” Some of my taste buds said. “I love chocolate shake!” others joined in enthusiastically. But then the two clashed, and both sides screamed.

“AAAAHHHHHHH THIS IS SO WRONG WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US!”

“WE LOVE JALAPENOS WHY IS THERE CHOCOLATE SHAKE IN HERE!”

“WE LOVE CHOCOLATE SHAKE WHY ARE THERE JALAPENOS IN HERE!”

At this point, I was chatting with a friend, who kindly informed me, “I heard you don’t get the full effect unless you muddle it first.”

I hated this idea with a passion. But I had to admit he was probably right.

So I smashed my straw down into the glass, hearing the sickening squish of peppers releasing their capsaicin like a hundred villagers being reduced to a slick yet chunky mash of viscera under the foot of a vengeful giant.

Did I mention that I hate this friend?

What was once an off-tasting chocolate shake with the occasional nasty jalapeño surprise turned into a creamy drink of unending horror. The peppers had now blended efficiently with the chocolate shake, resulting in a taste that, and I’m not over-exaggerating for effect here, made me think I might vomit.

All that pepper taste that had been released and was now free to mix with the chocolate and ice cream, and it’s hard to even describe the outcome. It wasn’t just spicy chocolate. It was jalapeño peppers a la mode with some chocolate. It was bitter and sickly sweet and spicy and sad and I honestly made that face you’d make if a hippo flung poo into your open mouth.

After a few sips, I could take no more. What the hell was I going to do with this thing? I was afraid if I tossed it down the kitchen sink, I might actually toss my cookies along with it.

So I did the only thing I could – I chucked it into the dumpster outside. I should have covered it with cow excrement to make a more pleasant smell or burned that dumpster down and buried the ashes. But that’s probably a felony, so I just threw it in there and hoped no dumpster divers had the misfortune of finding it before it went to the landfill.

I’ve eaten a lot of terrible things in my journey as a food reviewer, but there are a few that really stand out. The #1 on my list has always been Jones Bacon Flavored Soda, and I was reminded of it often as I tried to down the Sonic Jalapeño Chocolate Shake.

With both I experienced a grey, mushy feeling of wrongness deep inside my soul; a knowledge that this is an experience that will stay with me forever; nausea; and the idea that a company had taken a flavor I loved and ruined it forever. Two flavors, in this case.

I really thought I would hate the Sonic Jalapeño Chocolate Shake before I tried it, but thought it wouldn’t be as bad as I’d anticipated. I was wrong. It is so, so much worse.

(Nutrition Facts – Small size — 670 calories, 280 calories from fat, 31 grams of total fat, 23 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 100 milligrams of cholesterol, 480 milligrams of sodium, 89 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 56 grams of sugar, 8 grams of protein, 20% vitamin A, 1% vitamin C, 26% calcium, and 5% iron..)

Item: Sonic Jalapeño Chocolate Shake
Purchased Price: $3.49
Size: Small
Purchased at: Sonic
Rating: 0 out of 10
Pros: The chocolate shake only tasted “off” before I muddled it. I guess using fresh jalapeño peppers deserves a mention? The cherry on top hadn’t touched the shake, so it was okay.
Cons: Muddling the jalapeños was the worst idea in the world. Um, everything about this shake is a terrible idea. Sonic had the audacity to charge me an extra $0.60 for the jalapeños, for some reason. Burning public dumpsters is probably illegal. Fuck you for scarring my soul, Sonic.

QUICK REVIEW: Panda Express Shiitake Kale Chicken Breast

Marvo 10 Comments

Panda Express Shiitake Kale Chicken Breast

Purchased Price: $7.89 (2-entree plate)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Panda Express
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Panda Express’ healthiest chicken entree (lowest in fat, saturated fat, sodium), so if I feel guilty about getting Orange Chicken, I’ll feel less so if I order this as my second entree. Tender chicken. So much broccoli that they should’ve called it Broccoli Lovers Shiitake Kale Chicken Breast. If you drink too many smoothies and salads with kale, here’s a different way you can consume kale.
Cons: The gingery sauce didn’t really excite my taste buds. It has less sodium than most Panda Express entrees, but the sauce also has a really salty flavor, which made my taste buds a bit irritated. Shiitake mushrooms don’t bring anything to the flavor table. A slightly embarrassing amount of kale; I can get more kale for $1 at a farmer’s market when it’s closing.

Nutrition Facts: 170 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 570 milligrams of sodium, 11 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of sugar, 3 grams of fiber, and 14 grams of protein.