The Impulsive Buy

Category: Reviews

REVIEW: Hostess Limited Edition Red Velvet CupCakes

Now that both Christmas and New Year’s Eve have passed, it’s time to start planning for the next holiday: Valentine’s Day. This February 14, I got me a hot date with a box of Hostess Red Velvet CupCakes and back-to-back viewings of Road House. Perks of the single life.

Nah, I’m just kidding. I have a girlfriend, and she ain’t too crazy about Swayze. She’ll probably force me to watch The Notebook. At least I’ll have these red velvet cupcakes to keep me company while I suffer through lumberjack Ryan Gosling sucking Rachel McAdams’ face in the rain.

The limited edition Red Velvet CupCakes are a spin on Hostess’ signature chocolate cupcakes — those ubiquitous, cream-filled treats decorated with a white swirl. The cakes are made of a red velvet base, topped with frosting, and filled with a cream center, all in an appropriate Valentine’s Day color scheme.

It only took a single bite for the disappointment to set in.

With regard to flavor, these red velvet cupcakes feel like a weak imitation of their chocolate counterparts. The sugary cream filling tastes identical, but the red velvet base and frosting offer only the slightest hint of chocolate. As a whole, the red velvet cupcake seems to highlight the flavor of the cream filling. Whereas the chocolate in the original cupcake masked many of the Hostess cake’s imperfections, the lighter red velvet cupcake emphasizes these flaws. The result is one unfulfilling snack: a dense, greasy cupcake with a one-dimensional sweetness.

These cupcakes are boring and uninspired, and I honestly expected more from such a prominent brand. I’m well aware that red velvet cake is simply chocolate cake dyed red, but Hostess had the potential to be a bit more creative. Why not try a cream cheese frosting? Instead, we’ve been given a generic sugar frosting.

Hostess’ Red Velvet CupCakes bring nothing to the table aside from restrained flavors and a color swap — both pointless modifications to the staple chocolate cupcake. (Not literal staples. It’s never a good idea to mix office supplies and desserts. I discovered this the hard way, after my infamous Paperclip Tiramisu sent five people to the hospital for stomach surgery.)

They’re not unbearable. I just see no reason to buy these in favor of Hostess’ chocolate cupcakes, which are clearly the superior snack cakes.

This Valentine’s Day, I encourage you to forego these cupcakes and spend your money elsewhere. May I recommend a DVD copy of Road House?

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cake – 170 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of total fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 130 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 22 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Hostess Limited Edition Red Velvet CupCakes
Purchased Price: $2.98
Size: 8 cakes/box
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Taste like imitation Hostess chocolate cupcakes.
Cons: Lighter flavor highlights the flaws of Hostess’ cakes. Uninspired color change. Generic frosting, not cream cheese flavored. Paperclip Tiramisu.

January 6, 2015
REVIEW: Reese’s Spreads

The challenge is issued, the gloves are dropped, the physicians wait at the sidelines, ready to dress the wounds of the wounded. Who will stand above: the candy or the spread? The Modernist or the Traditionalist? Call the bluff. Claim your honor. The pistols are loaded.

With cat-like reflexes, the Traditionalist makes the first move. The Reese’s candy ever remains a classic, the very foundation upon which all peanut butter candies attempt to stand. It sharpens its brass knuckles on its well-grounded history: the gritty, crumbly peanut butter insides, the hyper-sweet, milk chocolatey outsides, all nestled away in its charming paper cup. I can’t even keep it around long enough to consider if it’s less than perfect.

But then…

Stronger than a 3-horsed chariot driven by Ron Swanson, the spread busts out with a perfume of peanut butter and chocolate. Smooth, shiny, a smidge gritty from itty candy chunkies, this Righteous Goodness combines all the textural traits of a nut butter with the classic chocolate-and-honeyed-peanut-butter taste of its candy contender.

With a flavor that combines peanut butter, Nutella, and sweetened condensed milk, it’s easy to eat from the jar or spread on those 48 leftover Christmas cookies from the office party. It goes on toast. It goes on waffles. It goes on ice cream. It would make an easy job for marketers conspiring to brainwash humankind with a catchy jingle that would subconsciously influence us [i.e.: me] to buy more of it. I already blame my subconscious for the excessive number of jars I will be purchasing in the future.

So the shots have been fired, the dust has cleared, the cowboy audience got bored and returned to the Tavern to nurse their beer bellies. But which product emerged victorious?

When you’re in a duel, you are acutely interested in NOT dying, so why kill your fellow compatriot? If you shoot, s/he may very well fire in return, rupturing your aorta and, well…sayonara to that vacation to Puerto Rico. Both versions of Reese’s realize this and offer their respective qualities. One, a munchable, melty candy. The other, a smooth, chocolatey peanut spread that integrates well with anything you consider suited for peanut butter. Me? I prefer something that I can carry around in my pocket, but, dang if this spread isn’t delicious.

Perhaps more importantly, the spread proves an important point: that, despite its long history, peanut butter and chocolate live in the gullet of the confectionary world with justifiable cause. The salty-sweet combination, combined with a gritty, sugared goodness, fills a special pocket of the stomach without overwhelming. It punches you and embraces you at the same time. Like a good man hug. And what better way to start the year than with a good man hug?

(Nutrition Facts – 2 Tbsp – 190 calories, 100 calories from fat, 12 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 19 grams of sugar, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Reese’s Spreads
Purchased Price: $3.29
Size: 13 oz. jar
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Sugary. Chocolatey. Peanut-buttery. Nubbins of candy/chunky peanut butter stirred in. Tastes just like spreadable Reese’s. 3-horsed chariots driven by Ron Swanson. Beer-bellied cowboys. Man hugs.
Cons: May induce sugar rush. May induce buying too many jars. May induce lack of pantry space after buying too many jars. Not quite as awesome as the candy, but still very awesome. Reminder that those leftover Christmas cookies are very, very stale. Catchy jingles that get stuck in your head. Vacations in Puerto Rico that don’t exist.

January 5, 2015
REVIEW: Arby’s Jalapeño Hushpuppies

Deep inside an underground bunker somewhere near Pocatello, Idaho, the nation’s preeminent potato growers and their army of lobbyists recently gathered. The following is an unconfirmed transcript of the meeting that followed. Names have been modified to protect the innocent.

Derek J. Russet, Chairman of the Confederacy of Potato Advocates: Ladies and gentlemen. We gather today amidst news that threatens the very existence of our industry. Reports indicate one of our longtime allies in the fast food world has threatened to disown the humble spud as a side item.

Silence

Russet: Yes, it’s true, and I’m afraid it’s not the usual challenge from the Onion Ring Hegemony again. Thankfully Burger King continues to showcase the alliance of alliums in an objectionable light, but this new threat is much greater.

Timothy L. Fingerling, CFO: Sir, surely our market share can withstand a minor blip. Our research has long indicated customers sometimes go for so-called ‘healthier options,’ but once the New Year’s Resolution high subsides, they’ll return to their french fries and chips with renewed vigor.

Russet: I do not know, Fingerling. Reports are still vague, but apparently Arby’s has introduced Jalapeño Hushpuppies as part of their limited time only, pre-Lent menu. Hushpuppies…with fish! The nerve of these people. What would our English brethren and their fish and chips say? In any event, knowing how trendy Southern food is and how customers are always begging for something to set their mouth on fire, this is a threat we cannot overlook. Dare I say it, if these are successful, we could see multiple fast food companies ditching fries for balls of fried cornmeal in no time.

Gasps!

Amanda W. Yukon, Director of Nefarious Tuber Operations: Not so fast, sir. I have firsthand reports on the quality of these hushpuppies, straight from one of my freelance field operatives. In my hands is an intelligence estimate courtesy of Lawrence Sweet, who has just eaten at Arby’s.

Fingerling: By all means, Ms. Yukon. Major Sweet is one of most trusted and objective operatives. If it weren’t for his work on those Arby’s Cheddar Pretzel Nuggets during the spring, we would have never been able to sabotage them with laxative inducing cheese sauce. Please, read the report.

Yukon: He begins as follows: “I entered Arby’s with an open mind. My love of potatoes aside, I’ve traveled to the Gulf Coast in the past and have frequently eaten, and enjoyed, hushpuppies. There’s just something so perfect about them, so distinctly Southern in their crispy outside texture, moist interior, and tangy sweetness. Given how well Arby’s has done some other regional specialties like brisket, I expected these to be a worthy rendition.”

Silence permeates the room, broken only by a few nervous clicks of someone’s pen.

Yukon: He continues: “I was pleased to find the hushpuppies crisp and non-too greasy, but an almost blackened color was cause for concern. A cornbread batter can be unforgiving for a fry cook, and the blistered craters, while perhaps making a fine 1:100,000,000 scale model for an asteroid, revealed they might’ve spent too much time in the fryer. Not surprisingly a burnt flavor was impossible to overcome on first bite, although a mild and moist cornbread filling did dissipate the burnt exterior somewhat.

Still, there was something off about the flavor. The jalapeños were immediately noticeable, but instead of a spicy bite, the small chunks carried a bitter and vegetal flavor. They tasted old and canned, while the chunks of corn also had a dulled, diluted flavor which wouldn’t win a taste test with Del Monte.”

Russet: Interesting. So they’ve not only botched the execution, but used sub-par ingredients. But everyone knows even a limp French fry can be resuscitated with Heinz or Fry Sauce. I’m still unconvinced these aren’t a threat.

Yukon:/b> I think we’re safe on that front too, sir. Sweet reports there’s no natural pairing for hushpuppies. They should have enough balance in the buttermilk tang, the corn sweetness, and the heat of the seasoning to be eaten on their own. Even ketchup can’t save them, and Sweet thinks ketchup is good on everything. Besides, he claims they’re too small to leave customers happy. And obviously, they lack the appeal of a curly fry.

Fingerling: Dare I say we’ve dodged a bullet! Once again, fast food has outthought itself.

Russet: Indeed. Send our thanks to Sweet, Yukon. Arby’s Jalapeño Hushpuppies won’t satisfy those longing for a homemade taste of the Gulf Coast, and pose little long-term threat to the supremacy of the spud.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 hushpuppies – 290 calories, 110 calories from fat, 12 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 790 milligrams of sodium, 42 grams of carbohydrates, 2 gram of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Arby’s Jalapeno Hushpuppies
Purchased Price: $1.79
Size: 5 pieces
Purchased at: Arby’s
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Mainstream fast food embracing a taste of the south. Crunchy exterior and moist cornbread-like interior. Real whole kernel corn and jalapeños in batter. Moderate and building back-heat. The survival of the potato industry.
Cons: Tiny and hard as a rock. Burnt flavor overpowers the cornmeal. Bitter, vegetal-like quality to the jalapeños. Corn kernels taste dull and canned. Lacks obvious condiment pairing. Freelance work for world potato cabals.

January 2, 2015
REVIEW: Taco Bell Crunchwrap Sliders (Beefy Cheddar, Spicy Chicken, and BLT)

Update: We also reviewed the Sriracha Chicken and Spicy Beefy Nacho Crunchwrap Sliders.

The Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme is the greatest Taco Bell menu item ever and I hope the people who developed it have their portraits or busts displayed throughout the halls of Taco Bell headquarters. If you disagree and try to tell me why it isn’t, I will use a yapping chihuahua to drown you out.

Despite it being awesome and on the menu for almost a decade, the Crunchwrap hasn’t seen much variety. There’s been a spicy chicken version here and breakfast versions there, but it hasn’t gotten the same treatment from Taco Bell’s tacologists that their burritos and tacos have over the years. So it’s nice to see Taco Bell’s new Crunchwrap Sliders make their way onto menu boards, although for a limited time.

The Crunchwrap Sliders come in three varieties: Beefy Cheddar, Spicy Chicken, and BLT. They’re only a dollar at most locations, five inches wide, hexagon-shaped, contain Fritos corn chips, and if I was a taco ninja they would be my throwing stars. According to the sleeve each one comes in, besides the preset varieties, it’s possible to create custom orders, so let this mini taco frisbee be your canvas.

The Beefy Cheddar Crunchwrap Slider comes with seasoned ground beef, nacho cheese sauce, cheddar cheese, and Fritos corn chips in a grilled flour tortilla. Taco Bell’s nacho cheese sauce is made using cheddar cheese so I’m not sure why more cheddar is included and I don’t know how anyone other than supertasters could point out the cheddar in the Crunchwrap.

Seasoned ground beef and nacho cheese sauce has been a winning combination for Taco Bell. I could list all the Taco Bell products that have them, but this review would be even more unnecssarily longer than usual. It’s a combo that makes my taste buds happy, but it’s beginning to get a little old. It’s also a combo that does a great job at making Fritos soggy. Granted, it had to sit though a five-minute car ride and three-minute photoshoot before they were consumed, but so did the other two varieties and the Fritos in them were mostly straight-from-the-bag crunchy.

The Spicy Chicken Crunchwrap Slider is stuffed with shredded, marinated all-white meat chicken, creamy chipotle sauce, and Fritos chips. If I gave an award to the saddest looking Crunchwrap Slider I received, I would pin a sad face on the Spicy Chicken. The chicken was dry and, compared with the other two, it didn’t look like there was much filling. If it weren’t for the Fritos, it would’ve looked even sadder. Of course, your results will vary. But, thanks to the smoky chipotle sauce, it had some decent flavor, and the chips were still crunchy. For those of you who are excited to see the word “spicy” in its name, I’m going to pop your pepper and tell you it’s not.

The BLT Crunchwrap Slider was the one I was least looking forward to because I’m not a fan of the bacon bits they use, which I’ve experienced with Taco Bell’s Waffle Tacos. Along with the bacon, it comes with shredded lettuce, diced tomatoes, avocado ranch sauce, and Fritos in a flour tortilla.

Surprisingly, this Crunchwrap Slider was my favorite of the bunch, although it was also the messiest of the bunch thanks to the bacon bits, tomatoes, and shredded lettuce not being able to fight gravity. The bacon bits were front and center in terms of flavor because there were a lot of them. It’s as if someone went a little too vertical with the bacon bits bottle. The slightly tangy avocado ranch sauce works well with the other ingredients and it does help with cutting the saltiness of the bacon. Besides messiness, the lettuce adds a little bit of crunch. As a whole, it tastes like I’m eating a sandwich with chips on top.

Overall, l enjoyed all the Crunchwrap Sliders. They aren’t filling, but anything you can pay for with loose change shouldn’t be. They’re available for a limited time, but I believe they should be a regular menu item.

(Nutrition Facts – Beefy Chedar – 410 calories, 170 calories from fat, 19 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 960 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 14 grams of protein. Spicy Chicken – 400 calories, 180 calories from fat, 20 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 900 milligrams of sodium, 42 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 15 grams of protein. BLT – 430 calories, 210 calories from fat, 23 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 900 milligrams of sodium, 43 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 12 grams of protein.)

Item: Taco Bell Crunchwrap Sliders (Beefy Cheddar, Spicy Chicken, and BLT)
Purchased Price: $1.69*
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Beefy Cheddar)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Spicy Chicken)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (BLT)
Pros: $1 at most locations. Fritos were able to maintain crunchiness in the Spicy Chicken and BLT varieties. Despite my previous negative experience with Taco Bell’s bacon, I enjoyed the BLT the most. Crunchwrap Supreme is the greatest Taco Bell menu item.
Cons: Fritos got soggy in the Beefy Cheddar. BLT version is messy. Beefy Cheddar has a too familiar flavor profile. Spicy Chicken wasn’t spicy. Limited time only.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay just a dollar for each.

December 31, 2014
REVIEW: Boulder Canyon Thanksgiving Feast Kettle Cooked Potato Chips

Sometimes I like to be weird on Thanksgiving by not eating turkey. This year was one of those years, but I did have a Thanksgiving feast thanks to the fine flavorologists at potato chip maker Boulder Canyon.

Boulder Canyon’s Thanksgiving Feast consists of four traditional Thanksgiving, but not traditional potato chip flavors. There’s Turkey & Gravy, Stuffing, Cranberry, and Pumpkin Pie. Each flavor comes in a 2.5-ounce bag, which has enough chips to share with the people around the Thanksgiving dinner table, even your weird uncle who doesn’t say anything throughout the night as if he’s holding back years of repressed family feelings.

By the way, Boulder Canyon is medium-sized potato chip company. They’re not available everywhere and, if your store does carry them, you will probably miss their bags of chips nestled somewhere between Frito-Lay’s chips if you blink.

The Turkey & Gravy chips have a faint herb aroma with an equally light gravy smell. I don’t think they taste exactly like the Thanksgiving dinner staple. Instead they taste more like forkful of turkey, gravy, and stuffing, but heavy on the gravy side with a bit of onion flavor. I liked the savoriness of these chips and I want to stick them in a turkey sandwich.

The Stuffing flavor has a pungent aroma that that I would like to call, “Freshly Mowed Herb Garden” or “Motorboating An Herb Garden.” Because its flavor is also herby and oniony, it tastes similar to the Turkey & Gravy chips, but slightly stronger. Although, when I first ate them, I wondered if I received two bags of the same flavor.

Boulder Canyon nailed this flavor with a silver nail and a gold hammer and it was my favorite out of the bunch. I wonder if anyone made actual stuffing using these potato chips.

Cranberry is an odd flavor. They smell like fortune cookies, but don’t taste like them. They’re slightly tart and have an equal balance of sweet and salty. I know. Tart and sweet on a potato chip sounds weird, but I did enjoy them. Also, in the back of mind, I kept thinking they tasted like something else. Then, about halfway through the bag, I realized they kind of taste like Froot Loops cereal! Odd indeed!

I was surprised to read the Pumpkin Pie flavor has pumpkin as an ingredient, because most pumpkin pie/pumpkin spice-flavored products don’t contain any. Along with the pumpkin, there’s cinnamon, paprika, cinnamon, molasses, and the vague ingredient, “spice.” All those ingredients make the chips smell like pumpkin pie, but taste like sweet potato. Although, there were times when I thought I tasted pie crust. Because I enjoy sweet potato chips, I liked chomping on these, but wished they tasted more like pumpkin pie.

All the chips are kettle cooked so they have a nice crunch, but they don’t seem to be as jaw-rattling crunchy as other brands of kettle cooked chips, like Kettle Brand and Lay’s.

To be honest, I thought these Thanksgiving Feast chips would be as disturbing as Jones Soda’s Holiday Pack, but they weren’t. Actually, I’d say they’re the opposite of disturbing. And it amazes me how Boulder Canyon was able to do a pretty good job of capturing Thanksgiving flavors and putting them on potato chips, except cranberry. I believe being able to accomplish that is what folks would call a Thanksgiving Miracle.

What? Those don’t exist?

Well, tell that to the turkey that gets pardoned by the president every year.

I’d like to thank TIB reader Wendy for sending me the Boulder Canyon Thanksgiving Feast chips. The Target stores here didn’t seem to carry them, so I greatly appreciate Wendy for taking the time to mail me some.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 oz – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 60-150 milligrams of sodium (varies by flavor), 17 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Boulder Canyon Thanksgiving Feast Kettle Cooked Potato Chips
Purchased Price: $5.00
Size: 4 2.5 oz. bags
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Not gross. Surprisingly tasty. Captures Thanksgiving smells and flavors well. Nice crunch. The pardoned turkey.
Cons: Target exclusive. Pumpkin pie chips don’t taste like pumpkin pie. Not as jaw-rattling crunchy as other kettle cooked chips. Posting a review about Thanksgiving flavored chips after Christmas. Although, Thanksgiving foods are also served for Christmas dinner.

December 29, 2014