REVIEW: Ranch Lovers Pepperoni Hot Pockets

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Holy Hot Pockets! When did Hot Pockets get rid of the microwaveable crisping sleeve?

What’s going to protect my fingers from burning on the crust? What will help contain the oozing molten filling that might burn my fingers? What will I use to scrape up the filling that oozed onto the plate I used to microwave the Hot Pocket? Will I never experience susceptors again? Can I buy sleeves in bulk on Amazon from a Chinese brand name missing vowels and all in caps, like HPCKTSLVS?

It turns out Nestle removed the sleeves in June 2024, but Nestle didn’t formally announce it until September 2024. As you can guess, I haven’t had a Hot Pocket in so long that I didn’t even notice Crisping Sleeve-gate. But you know what? These Ranch Lovers Pepperoni Hot Pockets with reduced fat mozzarella cheese, Hidden Valley Ranch sauce, and a Hidden Valley Ranch seasoned crust are tasty enough that I forgive Nestle for the removal of the crisping sleeve/finger protector/filling shovel.

However, I’m not sure the sauce and the seasoned crust remind me of Hidden Valley Ranch. I’ve gone through Costco-sized bottles of the creamy dressing, so I think my taste buds have a pretty good idea of what it’s supposed to taste like, but that’s not what comes to mind when chomping on these. Perhaps the cheese and pepperoni skew the ranch’s taste into something less brand-name. But that seasoning on the crust does make it the best smelling Hot Pocket I’ve ever experienced, and the creamy sauce inside does taste like ranch, but, again, not specifically Hidden Valley Ranch. While its flavor wasn’t what I expected, Holy Hot Pockets, it’s still a tasty, savory pocket of meat, cheese, and sauce.

After eating three of the four “sandwiches” in the box, I didn’t miss the crisping sleeve. Also, none of them had their filling ooze out while being zapped with microwaves. Now that I think about it, did the sleeve really “crisp” the crust? Instead, did it heat the Hot Pocket so much that there was a 99 percent chance the filling would ooze out?

If that’s the case, HPCKTSLVS won’t get any of my money.

Purchased Price: $7.49*
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 sandwich) 320 calories, 14 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 640 milligrams of sodium, 38 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 5 grams of sugar (including 2 grams of added sugar), and 9 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

REVIEW: Bang Any Means Orange Energy Drink

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Bang Any Means Orange is my first experience with a Bang Energy Drink, and ever since I’ve consumed it, my heart has been racing. However, I don’t know if that’s because I’ve fallen in love with this energy drink flavor or because of the 300 milligrams of caffeine the beverage has.

Any Means Orange is probably the most random-sounding energy drink flavor name ever, but I assure you that there is meaning behind it. The flavor is a collaboration between Bang and Any Means Possible, or AMP for short. They’re a collective of online streamers.

I know some of you wordsmiths are thinking, “If their group is called Any Means Possible, why wasn’t this Any Means Pomegranate?” Well, I’m going to be honest, probably because pomegranate is so (insert whatever the kids say instead of “uncool” here), and there’s something Weird Al Yankovic-ish about that name.

However, I am extremely thankful that it ended up being orange-flavored because my fondness for how Any Means Orange tastes is as high as this energy drink’s caffeine content.

First off, this isn’t just straight-up orange. While the brand says it’s “Refreshing orange with a zesty kick,” I swear it’s orange creamsicle-flavored. So it really should’ve been, “Refreshing orange with a creamy kick.” That is as clear as the beverage when poured into a Pyrex cup. It hits the citrus and cream flavors so well that I’m surprised this isn’t liquid from an ice cream truck with broken freezers that’s sitting in the middle of the desert. It’s so delicious.

Much like I’ve experienced with Monster Energy’s Ultra line, this zero sugar energy drink doesn’t taste like there’s no sugar in it. (Oh, for those who don’t follow energy drink companies like sports teams, Bang’s parent company, Vital Pharmaceuticals, was purchased by Monster in 2023.)

If you’re a fan of orange creamsicle-flavored energy drinks and want 300 milligrams of caffeine, pick this up by any means necessary.

DISCLOSURE: I received complimentary product samples from Bang. Doing so did not influence my review.

Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 16 fl oz can
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 can) 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, and 300 milligrams of caffeine.

REVIEW: Little Caesars Stuffed Pretzel Crust Pizza

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I was slightly confused when I heard all the hubbub about Little Caesars introducing a new limited edition Stuffed Pretzel Crust. “I could have sworn I’ve had that before…” I thought, but it turns out I remembered merely customizing a pretzel crust pizza to add stuffed crust to it. This is the first time that “Stuffed Pretzel Crust” itself has officially appeared on the menu, and as a marketing aficionado, I’m happy to accept that as a unique new product worthy of its own celebration.

In the promotional images, the pretzel crust is a rich brown, solid, and stout, shimmering with butter and salt, reminiscent of the iconic Bavarian pretzel. What was inside my pizza box looked so different that I was initially afraid I’d gotten the wrong order. My crust seemed perhaps a tad darker than usual, but it didn’t have the deep shade or sheen I expected.

When I bit in, though, I realized it was perfectly pretzel-y; it was just more like a different type of pretzel: Auntie Anne’s. While it didn’t have a Bavarian pretzel’s telltale hue, firm snap leading to a chewy bite, or malty taste, it did boast a buttery, subtle sweetness, so perfectly complemented by its tender, fluffy texture that it practically melted in my mouth. Though it wasn’t what I expected, it paired with the stuffed crust beautifully. While the doughy pretzel crust didn’t have an overwhelming flavor, it had a noticeable aftertaste. That was well-balanced by the simple, mild cheese inside, which was soft enough that it paired perfectly with the pillowy crust yet never became gooey.

There are a few options on the website for how to order your Pretzel Stuffed Crust; taking the first option as a subtle endorsement, I went with Cheese Sauce & Pepperoni. I must confess I imagined the cheese sauce would be a small cup for dipping the crust into, like how many restaurants offer soft pretzel sticks with cheese dip as an appetizer. It wasn’t until I was partway through a surprisingly mild-tasting slice that it hit me: the cheese sauce wasn’t on the side, it was replacing the tomato sauce on the pizza!

This may sound counterintuitive, but I think the fact that it took me so long to realize this shows how well it worked. The cheese sauce blended perfectly with the cheese topping, bringing a unique creaminess. While tomato sauce usually adds some savory depth, the pretzel crust means that this pizza is covered in a generous, tongue-tingling smattering of salt that already provides plenty of complex flavor, so I appreciated that the sauce was more mellow in comparison. Its color reminded me of Velveeta cheese, but the taste wasn’t so tangy, more like a bland nacho cheese. This plainness also allowed the pepperoni to particularly pop.

First, I was surprised by how my Stuffed Pretzel Crust looked, but by the end of my meal, I was only surprised by how much I enjoyed it. It would be nice if the promotional images were a bit more accurate, but the decadent feeling of combining stuffed crust pizza with my favorite airport treat was way worth the slightly mismatched expectations.

Purchased Price: $9.99
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (Whole pizza) 2660 calories. No other nutritional information is available on the Little Caesars website.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Pink Pineapple Express Shake

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Jack in the Box’s Pineapple Express Shake was one of my favorite products of 2022, and it’s come back annually since then. This year, instead of just bringing it back for the umpteenth time, the fast food chain decided also to offer a slight variation with some alliteration in its name. The Pink Pineapple Express Shake combines a thick and creamy vanilla shake base with pink pineapple flavoring that’s finished with whipped topping and a cherry.

Pomologists might be intrigued by the idea of a pink pineapple-flavored shake, but this doesn’t taste like THAT pink pineapple. What I’m talking about is the pink pineapple developed by Del Monte that uses lycopene and beta carotene to give it its Barbie-like hue. But it’s just a sweeter, less sour pineapple. However, the Pink Pineapple Express Shake does not taste like a sweeter, less tart version of the original Pineapple Express Shake.

I’ll give you one guess as to what flavor the pink represents. Go ahead, take a guess.

Don’t just peek ahead!

If you said “strawberry” without peeking, congratulations, my honest friend!

The dessert has an intense strawberry flavor that pretty much makes me forget that there’s also supposed to be pineapple. While sipping it through a straw, all I could think of was how it was giving me kids strawberry yogurt vibes. Am I sucking up a strawberry-flavored shake or strawberry Go-Gurt?

Sadly, that delightful citrusy flavor from the original Pineapple Express Shake is absent. Well, it hasn’t completely disappeared; if I focus more than anyone should on the creamy shake rolling over my tongue and savor it like a fine wine or a Diet Coke from McDonald’s, I can detect a hint of pineapple. But when I consume this, like a normal person, with reckless sucking abandon, all I detect is a tart strawberry flavor.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with Jack in the Box’s Pink Pineapple Express Shake tasting like a So Strawberry Express Shake. It’s a tasty, sweet treat that is a pleasant departure from Jack’s usual shake lineup. However, I don’t find it as delightful as the Pineapple Express Shake.

Purchased Price: $6.29*
Size: Regular
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 660 calories. No other nutritional information is available on the Jack in the Box website.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

REVIEW: Girl Scouts Thin Mints and Coconut Caramel Pop-Tarts

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If you can’t get enough of Girl Scout cookies or perhaps are looking to find new ways to incorporate them into your diet, Kellanova is here to bring a pair of those iconic cookie flavors to your breakfast table. Here for a limited time, much like their cookie counterparts, are Frosted Thin Mints and Frosted Coconut Caramel Pop-Tarts. The Thin Mints variety features a chocolate crust, sweet mint chocolate filling, and a chocolate frosted top. The Coconut Caramel flavor mimics Samoas/Caramel DeLites with a standard crust, toasted coconut and caramel filling, and a caramel frosting with chocolate accents. Let’s find out if we should put ourselves down for twenty boxes of each.

Straight from the package, both flavors are enjoyable (provided you don’t dislike mint or coconut). They both imitate their respective cookies admirably, with Thin Mints doing the best job of this because it’s not a super difficult task to combine mint and chocolate. The Coconut Caramel variety has plenty of coconut flavor in the way that a sweet coconut candy bar would, but it lacks the coconut texture that’s present in the cookies, and the chocolate is also less pronounced in the Pop-Tart version. I found that both flavors could be snacked on untoasted without really sacrificing anything. Some Pop-Tarts need heat to sing, and these don’t have that issue.

Once toasted, the Thin Mints variety gives off a pleasant cocoa brownie-like scent from its crust. I’m always cautious of mint invading my chocolate; it’ll never be my first pick for a sweet treat. That being said, Thin Mints are incredibly popular, and I can’t argue that they strike a near perfect balance of refreshing mint and chocolate. Thankfully, the Pop-Tart succeeds here as well with the filling being just minty enough to know you’re in Thin Mint territory and not making you think you’re tasting toothpaste while eating your breakfast. The Pop-Tarts box always claims you can enjoy them frozen, and this is one of the rare times that actually makes sense because freezing Thin Mints is definitely a thing people do. I gave this a try, and there’s nothing wrong with the frozen tarts, but I don’t think they give the same satisfaction one gets from the cold cookie. For me, these were best at room temperature or toasted.

Coconut Caramel also fares well with a heat treatment. This is a perfectly tasty and (thanks to the coconut) unique Pop-Tart. My only problem with this one is that I really enjoy Samoas cookies, and while the toaster pastry is nice, it just can’t capture the varied textures and tastes that make the cookie so good. If given the choice, I would much rather just eat a handful of the cookies.

I’d award both of these merit badges for their effort in bringing classic cookie flavors to a different format. I wouldn’t be compelled to choose either over my own personal favorite Pop-Tart varieties for regular eating, but they’re a fun tie-in for scout season. Can we do Tagalongs next year?

Purchased Price: $4.79
Size: 8 count box
Purchased at: Jewel-Osco
Rating: 8 out of 10 (both)
Nutrition Facts: (2 pastries) Thin Mints – 370 calories, 9 grams of total fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 410 milligrams of sodium, 69 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 28 grams of total sugars, and 5 grams of protein. Coconut Caramel – 380 calories, 11 grams of total fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 350 milligrams of sodium, 67 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 31 grams of total sugars, and 4 grams of protein.

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